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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared of my DH what now?

72 replies

AllChanged · 13/07/2015 10:28

DH has gone from being my rock to scaring me. I am finally free of my depression and anxiety and thought this would be a happy time for us both. Only he's snapping at me, clingy and had a panic attack after my first ever night out alone since we got together, because he thinks I'm cheating with a friend of oursSad. While at the same time saying he knows I wouldn't do that, it's just him being insecure.

He's arranged childcare for nights out, something he never does. Only its so he can come on nights I have arranged. I feel I cant move without him being there. We have had issue with him being controlling before and counselling helped a lot. Only now I'm worrying I have been blind and just accepted things, even when others have questioned his actions.

He said I shouldn't change how I behave as that's not fair on me but I already feel like I have to so I don't make him feel worse. I want to ignore it, so it will go away but its notSad. I want to tell someone in RL but I don't want people to think bad of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllChanged · 13/07/2015 12:40

Thing is he wasn't mad, it just made his behavior much worse. He said that he was OK with me staying, I made right choice he knows I would never hurt him and I love him, which I do.

I also said all that out loud to reassure him and he said it helped. I've always been vocal with my emotions about how much I love him and how great / gorgeous I think he is. He was always quiet and would say thanks, not much else besides saying he loves me, often. Now he's using same sentences I have always said to him and it feels fake iyswim.

He knows how I feel about affairs, totally against them and the hurt they cause. He ironically thinks they are understandable if one partner is neglected for a long period.Confused

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 13/07/2015 12:48

...He ironically thinks they are understandable if one partner is neglected for a long period...

Setting himself up for a hall pass is he?

Tetleys · 13/07/2015 12:48

You only have two choices. Continue to endure the misery. Or end it.

You talk about your insecurities. imagine being secure enough not to look for validation from your partner? that would be better right? Please read Anne Dickson's "a woman in your own right". It's a very good book about assertiveness and self-esteem

wallaby73 · 13/07/2015 12:57

The main theme of your posts is you,blaming yourself / looking for, faults in your own behaviour to justify his controlling behaviour and excuse him. He's done a real number on you as it seems you really believe you are to blame. His behaviour is NOT NORMAL, far far from normal. Ask yourself this - could you delete that app, like, now? My iPhone is forever saying "memory almost full...." So i regularly cull apps (usually games downloaded by the kids!). If just the thought of doing this is impossible (oh god no, what would he say......I'll have to explain...consequences too upsetting) then you can see surely you have a real problem on your hands here, and it's NOT YOU xxxx

cozietoesie · 13/07/2015 13:00

Oh he's done a number on her all right.

I'm sorry, AllChanged but I think you need to be thinking about splitting up now. He's not a good person for you. As to the effect he'll be having on your DCs...........?

Original poster
AllChanged · 13/07/2015 13:08

wallaby I have thought about it after reading the responses here but you are spot on. I have never have had anything to hide so was OK with him seeing my whereabouts. I feel like if I do that now I will make him worse and look guilty. Even my own thoughts know the response is "guilty of what, having my own space and life?!". I can see his (most of the time) I only use it sometimes to see if he's close enough on commute home for me to start dinner.

I feel like I can't just blame him and say I'm perfect, which I'm not. In order to get fair advice I thought I'd be totally honest on here.

I'm meeting a friend soon and will tell her what's going onSad.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 13/07/2015 13:22

It's not a zero sum game, All - you don't have to be perfect in order to see that a person is not right for you.

You know him, you have DCs with him - and yet you're frightened of him? How old are the DCs by the way? (Excuse me if you've already said but I couldn't see it above.)

Good luck with this afteroon.

wallaby73 · 13/07/2015 13:37

I do feel for you - the line of "well i don't feel i need to keep tabs on where you are cos i trust you; can you not say the same?" Simply will not wash. Which tells you all you need to know. You can't "live " like this, it sounds like a miserable existence. No one is perfect, but any "less" than perfect does not therefore warrant such abusive behaviour

Original poster
AllChanged · 13/07/2015 13:41

DC1 is 5 and DC2 is 3.

I have messaged a different friend as think they can help with advice. I'm now sat crying eyes out after saying it in RL. This is not where I saw things going.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 13/07/2015 13:45

They're well old enough, now, for him to start on them then - if he hasn't already in subtle ways. Just remember that when you're thinking about things.

Don't worry about crying after talking about things in RL. You sounds as if you have a lot of tears all stored up there.

tribpot · 13/07/2015 14:26

I can see his (most of the time)

Does that mean he turns it off sometimes? Why don't you turn yours off until you need it? Having location services on kills the battery of your phone for one thing.

Psycobabble · 13/07/2015 14:40

And yes do tell your friend how you are feeling just so someone in real life also knows what's going on. It can be hard when everyone thinks everything is fine because you get no support

My ex p was an absolute arsehole to me at times and while I never made out I had a great relationship I certaibly never opened up about how miserable I was , so when I ally ended it people were surprised to the point some people thought I was been fickle and leaving a relationship very quickly and splitting up my family when in actual fact I'd been miserable and trying to make it work for years Angry

SolidGoldBrass · 13/07/2015 15:30

Get rid of this cock and your mental health will improve tremendously. He is abusive and potentially dangerous.
You are not his property and you do not owe him anything. Sure he was 'nice' when you were ill, vulnerable and obedient, but that's because he doesn't consider you a human being. You're more like a domestic pet, that needs the odd smack for its own good.

Original poster
AllChanged · 13/07/2015 16:07

Well I have spoken to two friends, one mine and one mutual. God its a hard topic to start! My friend was supportive and said she had seen that DH almost seems to be hard work when I feel better.

The mutual friend couldn't shed any light or help really. He said DH is normal when with friends but I think I knew that was going to be the answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllChanged · 13/07/2015 16:31

It won't happen straight away, holding out hope I don't have to do this to my little familySad. If I have to ask DH to leave what do I do? We're in a rented house, can they make me leave if he doesn't live here?

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 13/07/2015 16:45

whose name is the tenancy in? Can you speak to your landlord now and ask if they are happy for you to be there alone? I am sure they will be.

And you haven't done anything to your family - he has.

Original poster
AllChanged · 13/07/2015 17:09

We're both on the tenancy. I would need to ask the agent but can't rely on them to not call DH instead of me with the answer.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 13/07/2015 17:40

Forgive me if somebody has already advised this AllChanged, but I think speaking to Women's Aid would be helpful to you.

I got the shivers when I read he'd installed a tracking app on your phone.

SugarOnTop · 13/07/2015 18:14

He said its occurred now because we haven't been getting on great recently and his first wife changed like I have just before she threw him out. Hmmm...so he thinks he's being clever by trying to make you feel responsible for anything 'bad' that happens to your marriage!

Firstly - you were ill and have now recovered back to your normal self - you haven't 'changed' or morphed into a different person. That's what you say to him. Ask him straight if he wants a wife he can control or a wife who is his equal - he only has those two options to choose from. if he doesn't choose the second option then tell him i have never been a woman who likes to be controlled by a man, that's why we had to go for counselling so you would stop that abusive behavior because it was harming our relationship. If that's the kind of woman you want then you'll have to find someone else.

Secondly - you say things have been better over the last 18 months post counselling but he has a different view (it's bullshit but still his view). Keep it very simple for him - get him to list what exactly he isn't happy about and tell him what you're not happy with.

Then, point out to him where his actions are being controlling - the phone app/not letting you go out without him etc. Keep it simple and factual and tell him THAT is controlling and abusive behaviour and it's THAT which is the cause behind the unhappiness.

He's trying in a very underhand and manipulative way to make you believe that all of this is your fault and your responsibility to 'make better' - don't let him. Make it clear that it's HIS behaviour and attitude that's causing the problems - and he either gets help or the marriage is over. take the app off your phone, tell him he can no longer accompany you on every night out - tell him that if he doesn't trust you after all this time then there really is no marriage to work on.

start putting away money in an account he has no access to and make your plans to leave, as he may well refuse to move out.

don't confide in 'his' friends anymore, you can't trust them to keep this kind of confidence.

Start detaching emotionally - anytime you 'feel bad' about how others see him/think of him etc REMIND yourself that HE is CHOOSING to act like that so it's only natural that people will view him negatively. HE is not a reflection on YOU.

DoreenLethal · 13/07/2015 18:19

He probably wasn't was he?

No. He wasn't.

Original poster
AllChanged · 13/07/2015 19:27

Thank you for all the responses, it is helping me. I nearly got caught reading this earlier, I had logged out so just looked like I was reading someone else's thread, if he saw the screen.

I will stay put for now as I need to get things together including funds if I need to get out. I am such an open book he knows where all my passwords can be found etc. I will sort hiding that as he is out now.

He acted normal when he got home, lots of hugs and I tried to be normal. Guess he still knew something was up as kept asking if I was OK? I have had dodgy stomach so blamed that, not a lie but not whole truth. I noticed a few times him asking asking questions looking for info and glancing at my phone in my hand. I will remove the location thing too.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/07/2015 20:03

expects lots of accusations about you being "just like his ex"

I expect she slowly woke up to this controlling and inadequate man too. I expect a conversation with her would be very enlightening. Has he made every effort to keep you apart by any chance ?

Pinkcloud6 · 13/07/2015 20:30

My husband activated the tracker on my phone without my knowledge. I disabled it and changed passwords. It's fucking odd, controlling and a big worry.He claimed I must have something to hide if I won't allow him 24 hour access to my whereabouts.

He's controlling, I don't like it.

I have no advice, if you deactivate it now, he will be suspicious.

SugarOnTop · 13/07/2015 20:43

yes, he will be suspicious - which will be the perfect moment for op to point out to him that this is one of his controlling behaviors that needs to stop. he has no reason not to trust her so if he feels that way about it he can either get professional help or just suck it up. If he gets violent in any way or scares you OP then don't hesitate to call the police on him.

DollyTwat · 13/07/2015 21:01

Op if you have an iPhone and he had logged into your account to see where you are with findmyphone then he is also able to read your messages.
Good idea to change your iTunes password so he can't see your messages