How to help DH in the middle of a mid-life crisis

[Littleloony]

Things have been a bit tough recently, DH started a new job 3 months ago where he is away half the week. It's very senior and he's stressed.

The last few weekends things have come to a head when he's been short tempered, shouting at the children, esp my DD1 who is 12 and a bit hormonal at the mo.

After a weekend of him in a foul mood I asked him last night what the problem was, and what I could do to try & cheer him up. He said he was bored with family life, working all week and then mowing the lawn and ferrying the children here and there at the weekend.

What do I do - I felt really upset that he doesn't enjoy being part of the family anymore - this Is real life, isn't it, when you have two children, a home to maintain and you both work. For the record, we have a good life, comfortably off and we go out regularly for a meal as acouple or to the theatre etc - it seems it isn't enough. Feel very hurt by it all. Any suggestions to make it better?

The short answer to your headline question is with sex, sex and more sex ...

I think Juneau on first page and Strongsummer are very close to the nerve here. Your Dh is experiencing new feedoms and might be contemplating his unrealised potential and opportunities... Make him see that all that potential is realiseable with you and the kids. Cultivate his emotional connection to you and the DC, so he wouldn't evolve to the state of mind that Stronsummer describes. Easier said than done though.

My dh went through this a while ago, he was stressed with work and feeling as if life was just all work. He doesn't like staying away in hotels as never relaxes properly.What helped him was regular exercise.Cycling worked as he felt energised and benefitted from time alone outside.

I think your dh needs to own his happiness however he may need you to help him prioritise.Stress is a real issue and affects physical and mental health so needs positive steps.Sometimes when we are low/stressed/depressed the solutions aren't obvious but a partner can help to find solutions.

I think he is well on his way to setting you and the children up for a fall - but that is just me.

Yep, sorry, affair

One of the problematic things about MN is that so many posters seem to think the WOHM spouse is having a whale of a time when the opposite is the case. I may have missed it but OP do you work? Being the breadwinner brings in a bunch of responsibilities and pressures .

Obviously the ideal is to find that balance with your partner but I'm not sure a kneejerk 'he's halfway out the door' response from sone posters is helpful. Kids and family life can be hard work. It sounds line he is opening up channels - and as you have already done , use some money to get round that problem.

I agree with Sheena:

"So he is away during the week, having a nice time swimming & going out after work, while you are working, holding the family together and finding it hard work. Then when he is back at weekends he is moody, doesn't ask how you are or do anything to support you while he is away. And you are thinking about how to help him?"

I think you should tell him how you feel too, OP. It should be two way, with both of you supporting each other. I'm sure you can find solutions to improve life for both of you but you need to do this as a team. Him moaning and not asking about your week is just not fair.

His job doesn't sound ideal if it's stressful and means he has to be away. Why did he take it? Would he consider looking for something else, or does he want to stick at it?

I think your options are:

1. for one or both of you to work less, so there is more free time for exercise and fun as well as chores
2. both continue working FT but outsource as many chores as possible, and cut down lifts for the kids

But ultimately you need to find the solution together and prioritise the wellbeing of both of you (not just him).

Good luck!

I think that it is important indeed to follow your own instinct as you have the best insight into the situation. You started your post with the notion of mid life crisis. What do you understand it to mean in relation to your DH? You need to uncover what is driving him now and focus on that. Talk to him.

I've been through a similar patch and wish I would have googgled the term - the basic search comes with much more food for thought then I imagined. The urge to make changes to reach self fulfilment and grasp unrealised dreams might really be the core motivation.

Your DH has a new senior job, it's challenging but he feels reinvigorated, there is glamour to it, he may feel to be a new him and he might like it, although he may need support. In that case working less to make time for family routine might be the opposite of what he aspires for.

He changed and you need to find a new balance in your relationship, perhaps a new you. A place where your needs are met too, but where he is free and supported to be his "new" him.

I hope it makes sense.

To me the thing that stands out in the OP post is that he shouts at the children..I can remember my son saying "why is Dad so angry all the time? " and this was when he was having an affair...It is all lovely and utterly gorgeous and fun when the kiddies are little and new and exciting and cute BUT when they are older that is when difficulties start to crop up - yes life is a bit boring and routine and then you add to that someone working away- they get used to themself, doing what they want to do, looking at their PC, no commitments to family, they are the boss at work that everyone kowtows to - yes they are earning but they start to resent this. OP you can try to attempt to correct this now but it is a 2 way thing and effort has to be made by both of you. I would actually say he is a cheeky bastard to even say that he was "bored" with family life but at least you addressed it. The only downside is that YOU can do all the trying in the world but if he is not up for it then it will be all in vain. Sorry if that sounds bleak. More sex isn't going to cure this - a lot of this is in his head already but at least you are forwarded and can try to improve things for all of you.

Can you have atleast one day a month where there are no chores ?

Go out somewhere as a family enjoy a day out ?

Working all week & the prospect of coming home to "chores & ferrying children round" doesnt sound that appealing

Do you both get some "me time" without the children ?

Do you have any holidays planned ?

Does he have any suggestions about what he wants to do ?

It's so unfair of so many people to be saying that OP's DH is probably having and affair and just needs to stop whinging and get on with boring real life! Of course he does, but if you're feeling a bit shit about some of your life, surely that's what your partner is for, to talk to about it? Maybe if he didn't talk to her about it he might find a solution by himself and maybe that could end up being an affair?

The shouting at the kids thing - my DH used to do that a bit too. It's just because he would come home and be completely off our wavelength - he didn't know the background to all the little household issues and how we usually do things and I'm sure he couldn't cope with the fact that we didn't all do things just how he wanted which is how life was at work!

I really think you have to work towards a job situation where he doesn't need to be away so much, I hope you work it out OP.