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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to help DH in the middle of a mid-life crisis

60 replies

Littleloony · 13/07/2015 09:30

Things have been a bit tough recently, DH started a new job 3 months ago where he is away half the week. It's very senior and he's stressed.

The last few weekends things have come to a head when he's been short tempered, shouting at the children, esp my DD1 who is 12 and a bit hormonal at the mo.

After a weekend of him in a foul mood I asked him last night what the problem was, and what I could do to try & cheer him up. He said he was bored with family life, working all week and then mowing the lawn and ferrying the children here and there at the weekend.

What do I do - I felt really upset that he doesn't enjoy being part of the family anymore - this Is real life, isn't it, when you have two children, a home to maintain and you both work. For the record, we have a good life, comfortably off and we go out regularly for a meal as acouple or to the theatre etc - it seems it isn't enough. Feel very hurt by it all. Any suggestions to make it better?

OP posts:

Mumblechum1 · 13/07/2015 11:09

We used to be like this and chucked money at the problem. DH worked away Mon morning till Thurs night.

While he was away (and I was working as well as looking after the kids), I had a cleaner, ironing lady and two gardeners. The weekends were then free to do nice stuff like going for picnics or away to nice hotels.

When ds was older and wanted to go to rowing etc at 8am on a Saturday he'd get a taxi. No way was I getting up that early at the weekend

Original poster

Littleloony · 13/07/2015 11:13

Right - plan of attack, fun stuff this weekend, sod the jobs (we have a cleaner and the grass can just grow....) things will have to slide a bit.

Lovely hols planned in 4 weeks, so be good to see how things are away from all responsibility.

Thanks all, Mumsnet is fab x

OP posts:

SheenaWasAPunkRocker · 13/07/2015 11:24

So he is away during the week, having a nice time swimming & going out after work, while you are working, holding the family together and finding it hard work. Then when he is back at weekends he is moody, doesn't ask how you are or do anything to support you while he is away. And you are thinking about how to help him?

I would think again

tootsietoo · 13/07/2015 11:38

One thing I would say is that I don't know how we could have gone on if DH had continued to work away 3 nights/4 days a week. I was pretty fed up at having to hold the fort, do all the chores (and work) and not being able to go out and do anything at all unless I got a babysitter. Then he would get home and not really be able to cope with the noise and chatter and if I ever pointed out that I had it all week he would say that he didn't want to be away and that it's really shit staying in hotels etc etc. Obviously you get on with life and get by, but when he set up his own business in January and started working more locally, life transformed, for both of us. I didn't realise quite how bad it was before. Well, not terrible, we were comfortable, no problems, but it wasn't family life. I think it probably will take a real, proper team effort to make sure you understand each other's positions and make the best of the time you do have together.

mumblechum1 · 13/07/2015 11:44

Sheena to be fair her dh is obviously in a very stressful job and would probably rather be home in comfort than in a faceless hotel alone.

It should be perfectly possible to get all the house admin out of the way during the week so the OP and her DH can have some fun at the weekend.

butterflygirl15 · 13/07/2015 11:57

I agree with Sheena - what about you OP? Is he bending over backwards to people please you also?

tumbletumble · 13/07/2015 12:06

I think tootsietoo has hit the nail on the head. The problem is that the current set-up is harder for both of you than it used to be. It's not fun staying in hotels frequently, however much it may seem like it (swimming, no children etc) - most people would rather be at home. But it's harder for you too, bearing the full responsibility for the household while he's away. You need to sit down and think of ways of making it better for both of you.

Hannahouse · 13/07/2015 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strongsummer · 13/07/2015 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWordFactory · 13/07/2015 13:04

I think a lot of people feel like this sometimes. They ask themselves is this it?

I wouldn't be offended by someone saying it. But I would want them to think about how to fix things.

strongsummer · 13/07/2015 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Littleloony · 13/07/2015 13:13

Strongsummer, feel free to join in the thread - I think half the reason I posted (and I'm mostly a lurker here) is to reassure myself that other people have the same issues.

OP posts:

CainInThePunting · 13/07/2015 13:15

Buy him some Lycra.

Everythinghaschanged · 13/07/2015 13:17

I think he's got a damn cheek, working away all week, enjoying the free evenings, swimming etc, and then complaining about normal family life at the weekend.

Yes family life is about doing the lawn and sorting the kids out and everything else needed to run a home.

I'm sorry I too think this dissatisfaction at family life is because he is socialising with colleagues and may well have had his head turned.

I have had a very stressful job with long hours and couldn't wait for weekends when I could do normal family stuff. If he doesnt want to do the lawn, he can pay someone to do it (bet he would rather just moan about it.) and the kids can get public transport if he is so put out by giving them a lift.

Opting out of family life is the rocky road (been there I'm afraid.)

Beware I say.

strongsummer · 13/07/2015 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spell99 · 13/07/2015 14:57

I don't buy the away in hotels being fun bit. Its fine for two weeks or so but after that its lonely and all you do is think about and do work. You eat all wrong, drink too much and it doesn't help your state of mind. Even if you go out you talk about work, there is no wind down ever and it seems like you are in an ever lasting loop.

Everythinghaschanged · 13/07/2015 15:34

spell op says her dh enjoys being away. It's the weekends with the family he's got a problem with.

tumbletumble · 13/07/2015 16:17

Not quite - she said she thinks he enjoys being away. Did he actually say that himself OP?

Original poster

Littleloony · 13/07/2015 17:09

No - he didn't actually say that he enjoyed being away, It's me that thinks he does, just because life is hectic here, esp at the moment with end of term etc. He can be away and focus properly on his new job.

I expect he hates being away, I know he feels very 'out of the loop' as we had parents evenings and all sorts last week.

I do appreciate all the comments - it helps me to focus on what the actual problem is, and I think it's because he's away most of the time. Can't change his work, but maybe try to change our weekends a bit.

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/07/2015 17:35

I wouldn't be that sympathetic actually.

Dh works in a stressful job involving lots of travel - so he is rather/very fed up with his job.

I dunno why this dh is suddenly fed up with family life - surely his workload is the obvious problem?

Tryharder · 13/07/2015 17:36

I feel so sorry for the OP's DH that he is expected at weekends to ferry kids about and do the odd domestic chore.

Life is sooooo hard isn't it?

I am actually shocked that posters have come on here and said that it sounds 'shit'.

No. There are many domestic situations described by posters on MN that I might think 'yeah, that sounds a bit hard' but the OP appears to be living very comfortably in probably quite an enviable set up.

If the Op and her DH want to enliven their weekends a bit, they need to discuss between them how that could be achieved.

But let's not feel sorry for this DH.

Drew64 · 13/07/2015 17:39

Some of you see to think it's a whole load of fun being in a hotel for most of the week. The truth of the matter is that when you are away working and staying in a hotel it's a very lonely existence. Your living out of a suitcase from day to day, eat dinner on your own, watch TV on your own, go to be on your own and as some of you have mentioned go swimming on your own. I promise you it's not all fun an laughter, more like boring, demoralising, lonely, sad!

That said Littleloony I'm afraid this is simply life and we all get pissed off with it at times. with the weekend being the only time to catch up on essential tasks then I'm afraid that is what it is going to be like.
Personally I don't mind. I'd rather be at home doing the housework than be at work so the weekends kinda work for me.
We do try to make things to look forward too though. We are just back from a hotel 'adult' night away. We manage it three or four times a year and it makes the world of difference. It's even worth all of the grief of sorting out babysitters and letting essential tasks slip for a week.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/07/2015 17:42

Well I agree drew- but that's why I'm surprised this dh has now decided he's fed up with family life. I would have thought it's work that he'd be fed up with.

Sickoffrozen · 13/07/2015 18:11

You say he can't change his work, but he surely chose a job that he knew would involve time away. I think many people just get in the must keep progressing at work and earning more money mindset that they lose sight of everything else. Sometimes to make your life better and more enjoyable you need to step off this treadmill, work out why you really want and make it happen. There is more to life than big houses and money.

itwillgetbettersoon · 13/07/2015 18:48

The problem is that the grass is always greener. Family life is dull but so can single life. Being a single parent working full time is incredibly dull too. It is all relative. He is being selfish. If life is dull do something about it. He could arrange family events or get a hobby. It isn't the OPs responsibility to liven her H's life up.

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