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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

In need of help...

74 replies

HurtingBadly · 12/07/2015 17:59

Thank you for opening my post, I changed my name because I am embarrassed and feeling humiliated as if I am an animal.
Merried now 14 yrs and living together 16yrs. 3 children (2girls 11 and 12) and a baby(7months).
I am not from here neither is he but many many years both of us living and working in Uk ( him more than 30 and me almost 20).
Through out our life there were here and there incidents where he would beat me , can't handle argument and than just lashes at me. First incident was after giving birth to my first one, even neighbour called police that's how he was beating me up but couldn't say anything because my immigration situation . Than he stopped for some time, after my second dd came he started again. Still was just taking in and living like a prisoner. All that time I was working very physical job( only stayed 1 week at home with both my DD's).
He calmed down for few years but today I think he just made up for all that time he was quiet. I am not working ATM and neither he is( made redundant). He ripped all my dnociments( I have residency), banged me on the wall, kicked the s... out of me and name calling can't even state what he said to me. I am fed up, if baby is not here I would long time killed my self, I am shadow of myself, living just to survive.
I don't have money to move and I am scared, I can't recognise the woman in the mirror- who is that pale faced ugly , tired of life person? Is she really living, the one who was full of life, faith in people , life and he made sure I don't talk to anyone.. Thank you for reading ,,,

OP posts:

cardiandcrocs · 13/07/2015 10:46

How are you today?

tipsytrifle · 13/07/2015 12:55

You really need to reach out to the police and get injuries assessed and noted. It might be that police will remove this abuser from the home. He might not stay removed, of course, so it might be necessary or better for police to accompany you and DC to a place of safety.

Every hour that those bruises fade away is another hour of your life wasted on fear and pain. You really should escape. Now.

Nolim · 13/07/2015 13:14

Op please reach out to the poloce or a gp? Get your injuries checked!

Jux · 13/07/2015 21:15

Is he out of the house at any time? Does he go anywhere regularly, like work, when you can count on him not being there, so you can arrange to see a doctor or go to A&E? Can you actually leave the house, or does he make it difficult for you?

Original poster

HurtingBadly · 13/07/2015 21:38

Thank you so much for your replies! I was just so busy with everything ( including girls and a baby)!
I asked my mum to come ( 2 h flight) so she will be coming in two weeks time. Once she is here she can help me with my angels and I have to just gather important items and I will go . I thought a lot and you were all right, I have to do something, I can't , don't want and I don't deserve to live like this!
I didn't tell her over the phone what is going on because she will just worry more but she is my rock and she is fierce! My mum is someone I always looked up to and I don't know what happened to me ? Who or what did I become?
Thank you soooo much for wise words, encouragement and just hearing me in the time of weakness and pain.
I will get through this I know I will, I have to if not for myself but for my three beautiful children, they are my world my biggest love and I want them to be the best version of themselves that they can be when they grow up.

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 13/07/2015 21:43

Please take photos of your injuries and save them online if you won't phone the police today.

Wideopenspace · 13/07/2015 21:51

If you are determined to wait, keep your head down and look on the WomensAid website. They have lots of suggestions about keeping yourself safe plus a list of things to gather together for when you go.

Best of luck

lagirafe · 13/07/2015 21:53

I am glad you have arranged for your mum to come that's a really positive step!
In the meantime please, please call Womens Aid and start getting things in motion for when you leave. They will give you strength and help plan what to take when you leave etc.
A support worker can meet you for coffee in a cafe somewhere so it need not look suspicious.

Lweji · 13/07/2015 22:33

Sounds like a plan. :)

Do keep your head down and gather as much info and support as you can.

Good luck.

In any case, remember that your safety, and of your children, means more than anything at the house. Just take off if you ever need to.

sensiblesometimes · 14/07/2015 06:17

If you are under threat or experiencing violence. It is a crime....remember this ...

penguinsaresmall · 14/07/2015 10:51

Really glad for you that you have a plan OP

Please just be very careful. I agree that if you can get your injuries documented, you should. Do you have a GP you feel comfortable enough with to talk to about this? If you believe you can 'keep your head down' safely for the next two weeks obviously that's your decision - but just remember that possessions and paperwork can always be replaced - if you are in danger at any point, the only thing that matters is to get yourself and your DC to a safe place

MNHQ

BeccaMumsnet · 14/07/2015 12:33

Hi there OP. We hope everything is okay.

Please do take a look at our webguide where you can find a list of links to connect you to some really helpful organisations.

Wishing you all the best from MNHQ

Jux · 14/07/2015 23:38

Really glad your mum is coming. Yes, the key here is to keep your cards very very close to your chest so that he has no idea that you are planning anything at all. Slowly, slowly catchee monkey, as they say.

Good luck. I shall be thinking of you. Please come here when you can and let us know how you're getting on.

Original poster

HurtingBadly · 15/07/2015 00:03

Thank you so much for your support. I am just drained but everything is ok. He is calm and almost the person he used to be . He ordered new documents and through his behaviour I know he knows he went overboard but it's too little too late. He is putting incredible effort to make things right but it's really really late cause deep down he will never change and he actually never said "sorry"! It would not change my plans but it would restore bit of my dignity!
I remember- we were so much in love and we shared same views on future but ... That was then and this is now!
I feel sorry for my angels but they will be better of with two divorced parents who are happy than family with constant arguments.

Thank you so much. I am going to rest cause I have early birdy to wake me up, my little baby boy ...

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/07/2015 00:51

His calmness now is part of the cycle of abuse. It usually gives hope to the victim, that they realise they were wrong (but they don't apologise) and that they can be better. Maybe even that it was the victim's fault and that they can be better.
But it's soon followed by tension and aggression again. :(

You sound like you are ready to go, as you're not falling for this. Don't doubt yourself.

springydaffs · 15/07/2015 01:15

Why are you still there? People are serious when the post 'call 999' and 'get out NOW'

The law is MUCH more powerful than him. He's convinced you he is all-powerful - but he isn't! He's a very little man to do what he has done to you.

You don't have to work this out, let the police do it for you. It doesn't have to take any time at all - if you went to the police station with your smashed up face and your children, you would be protected immediately, taken to a safe place. It would happen straight away.

lordStrange · 15/07/2015 01:33

He bashed you up and banged your head against the wall.

Think about your children. What if you had suffered a terrible head or brain injury? How would you care for them.

Call 999. Get the Police.

Really, you are living with a dangerous man. He's a fucking animal. Please get you and your children to safety.

Jux · 15/07/2015 09:25

You do need this to be properly documented. When you leave him you will need to show that he is abusive in order to get safe contact organised for your children. What you want is supervised contact so he can't hurt them or drip poison into the ears, and to get supervised contact officially you need this beating documented by the police or a doctor.

TheQueenOfSheba · 15/07/2015 09:29

He could kill you next time OP. Please, please call the Police - they have trained female officers who can help you.

sensiblesometimes · 15/07/2015 17:31

Yes! get this recent beating documented by doctor or police ....

Loobyloo15 · 15/07/2015 18:46

OP is there a religious background in this situation? Only ask because I can't possibly see why anyone would put up with this abuse for so long
Please don't be offended I'm trying to understand your situation :)

YellowTulips · 15/07/2015 18:54

I think you should tell your mum what's happening before she arrives.

If you are sure she will be supportive it will give her the chance to plan and help you having got over the shock of what is happening to her daughter.

LIZS · 15/07/2015 19:26

At very least can you be checked by a doctor ? Make an excuse to take the baby if needs be. That would document your injuries and you can speak in confidence. Your DC need their mum not someone fearful of the next cross word or fist or worse Would you expect your dd to put up with such behaviour as that is the precedent you are setting, how would you advise her?

Wideopenspace · 19/07/2015 16:31

OP - how are things?

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