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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In need of help...

74 replies

HurtingBadly · 12/07/2015 17:59

Thank you for opening my post, I changed my name because I am embarrassed and feeling humiliated as if I am an animal.
Merried now 14 yrs and living together 16yrs. 3 children (2girls 11 and 12) and a baby(7months).
I am not from here neither is he but many many years both of us living and working in Uk ( him more than 30 and me almost 20).
Through out our life there were here and there incidents where he would beat me , can't handle argument and than just lashes at me. First incident was after giving birth to my first one, even neighbour called police that's how he was beating me up but couldn't say anything because my immigration situation . Than he stopped for some time, after my second dd came he started again. Still was just taking in and living like a prisoner. All that time I was working very physical job( only stayed 1 week at home with both my DD's).
He calmed down for few years but today I think he just made up for all that time he was quiet. I am not working ATM and neither he is( made redundant). He ripped all my dnociments( I have residency), banged me on the wall, kicked the s... out of me and name calling can't even state what he said to me. I am fed up, if baby is not here I would long time killed my self, I am shadow of myself, living just to survive.
I don't have money to move and I am scared, I can't recognise the woman in the mirror- who is that pale faced ugly , tired of life person? Is she really living, the one who was full of life, faith in people , life and he made sure I don't talk to anyone.. Thank you for reading ,,,

OP posts:
sensiblesometimes · 12/07/2015 18:48

Let us know how you are .
.lots and lots of people will care about you and your children and they will.be able to help you ...

maria543 · 12/07/2015 18:49

This is the number for Women's Aid:

0808 2000 247

It is a freephone number, but I don't know if that means free from your mobile. But please phone them anyway. A few pence doesn't matter, but you do.

They will be able to help you. Even if you can't phone now because you are too frightened, then phone as soon as you can.

Everyone here is on your side.

NerrSnerr · 12/07/2015 18:49

You need to call 999 and get the girls out of there. What if he does it to them (or the baby) next?

Lweji · 12/07/2015 18:53

Do you have any family in the UK?

Women's Aid can find you a secret place for you to stay.

And the police can remove him for long enough for you to leave.

I have been as scared of him as you are, and the reality of leaving was not as bad as that of staying.

You can do it. You must do it to protect yourself and your children from this.

Namechanger2015 · 12/07/2015 19:11

On a practical note PLEASE take photos of your bruises/injuries every time he does this and save them somewhere preferably with a date - maybe hold up a newspaper or something. You will need them.

Also every time you have an injury go to your GP even if you don't need/want treatment, and just get it documented. They can't make you report him if you don't want to, but if you do decide to go, now or 20 years from now, the medical records will help you.

If you deal with police at all also insist they take photographs.

Good luck. I have been there and am only just escaping. These are my top tips. You can do this.

Namechanger2015 · 12/07/2015 19:13

Also please keep a detailed diary. Even if this is just you emailing yourself quickly every day. Just record anything and everything you can think of and more.

Original poster
HurtingBadly · 12/07/2015 19:35

Thank you so much! I really needed support and words of support.
One thing for sure I know that he would never ever harm the children , he never ever did and I hope I am not wrong ! When I say he is not good dad I mean he would never ever treat mother of their children like that!
I will gather my thoughts and I will have to make a move from here no matter how hard it is!
I salute all the brave women who moved on , it's hard very hard but I don't want to end up being one of the statistics!
He could have broken my skul, that's how strong he is and how he banged my head!
He didn't , thanks to G.d but I can't do it anymore, I can't.
Thank you soo much for your support it means a world to me for someone to actually hear me and let alone to advice me .
I enrolled my self to do a course and he is so against that, that's Another thing which is bothering him. I will be starting in October, I want to better myself for me and my three angels.
I want my girls grow up strong and independent and my boy to know how to treat girls. Not to use the fist every time someone disagree with him!
How did I end up like this? How?

OP posts:
Wideopenspace · 12/07/2015 19:38

He IS harming your children. If your daughters are in their rooms having seen all that, they ARE damaged by him.

They are learning that this is what men do, this is what women do.

Have you managed to call the police?

Lweji · 12/07/2015 19:43

You are right that he is not a good dad.
But he is actually hurting them by exposing them to how he treats you. They are rightly afraid to confront him, and afraid for you. This is no way to grow up. They know they could be next too.

At some point they are likely to turn on you, so that they get on his good side. It is also very likely that they will blame you for not leaving.

I look at my DS who was once slapped (lightly, but slapped) for trying to grab exH's attention while he was doing "whatever" on the computer. He is now a relaxed child who can confidently talk to me and has my attention as much as I can.

You do not have to suffer this, and you don't have to be at risk of being murdered in front of your children. Because it could easily have happened.

I do urge you to leave as soon as possible. But also remind you to be very careful, as it's the most dangerous time.

If at all possible get a safe place to leave some belongings. Women's Aid might be able to help you make a plan.

Yarp · 12/07/2015 19:48

Please do as the others have suggested. You poor love.

Another organisation that may be able to help you is:

www.southallblacksisters.org.uk. They help black and asian minority ethnic woman experiencing domestic violence

Yarp · 12/07/2015 19:50

The website above urges you to call 999 if you are under threat or experiencing violence. It is a crime

WireCat · 12/07/2015 19:51

999 NOW. Please.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 12/07/2015 19:52

My dad beat my mom, regularary, I hate him, she left when we were 5/6 and he never paid a penny towards us.. would only see us if mom dropped is off and she waited outside. He remarried and beat my step mom and SB .., really bad. Hes not a man. We were damaged children , no trust in men, we are feircly independant (hubby finds this hard) one sister has never married. We all hate him. We lived on eggshells, all the time, he ofyen screamed and shouted, i have no good memories of him. But I do remember tje day we left with one carrier bag each. Freedom was worth it. Run do not look back.

Jo4040 · 12/07/2015 19:57

OP. Are you there, what are you doing?

sensiblesometimes · 12/07/2015 20:07

Keep in touch ...Tell us how you are ...We care about you

Jo4040 · 12/07/2015 20:08

It's weird how she's gone quiet. Really hoping she's ok

Nolim · 12/07/2015 20:08

I enrolled my self to do a course and he is so against that, that's Another thing which is bothering him. I will be starting in October, I want to better myself for me and my three angels.

It bothers him because improvinng yourself and gaining skills threatens his control over you. He has isolated you and will keep doing it. Get out, get help, you need medical attention.

Original poster
HurtingBadly · 12/07/2015 20:12

I am ok, girls had dinner, bath and they have settled. I put baby to sleep ,so it's only me in the kitchen and him in the living room.
He was trying to be a smart one with girls but they know, they know who he is and what he is made of.
As I mentioned , I will gather my thoughts and I will have to organise myself little bit.
Thank you for advices, I will save all the information that you gave me.
And outside is raining - London as usual:(

OP posts:
penguinsaresmall · 12/07/2015 20:15

Please call 999 OP Flowers

Lweji · 12/07/2015 20:15

Don't feel like you have to update us at regular times, HB.
You should be using your time to plan and contact help.

But we are here when and if you need to.

sensiblesometimes · 12/07/2015 20:23

You have no choice you have to take steps to change this situation ...you are so very brave ..you cannot stay in this house with this man you have to get help for you and your children

sensiblesometimes · 12/07/2015 20:31

Can you leave the house now ..and go call the police, they will remove you and your children tonight to a safe place

lagirafe · 12/07/2015 20:32

OP - please please call Womens Aid when you can - I know how scared you are and you don't want to make things worse - I've been there myself but they WILL be able to help you and will find you a safe place to stay.
It will be ok in the end and you will rebuild your life.
Please do it as soon as you safely can.

horseygeorgie · 12/07/2015 20:40

OP please get some help. You don't have to live in this fear. Womens aid are really lovely people, my Mum helps for them and they will be wonderful if you ring. Don't let your children grow up thinking this is how a man should treat women.
If you can't face ringing anyone is their anyone to can go too? My Dad is a Vicar and I know from experience that is one place you can go. A few times when I was growing up I was turfed out of my bed to make way for someone in a bad situation! He would give them a good meal and him and Mum would go with them to womens aid the next day as well. I'm not religious in the slightest but you don't have to be to go for help. Just a thought if you have no one else.

sensiblesometimes · 13/07/2015 07:54

Good morning op ..thinking of you and your children . Wishing and hoping you are taking the steps to be safe and away from this man.