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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Obsessed with OW

41 replies

LoveLetters · 12/07/2015 12:53

Dp had emotional affair with work colleague 4 years ago. They kissed and didn't get much further than groping but their messages to eacother were so explicit. He continued to lie after I found out about having contact with her and I found out they would go out to lunch as friends. Started talking inappropriately again 2 yrs ago when I caught it before it went further. I've become a really angry person and I've just released today I'm angry at myself for putting up with it and staying. I'm not even angry with him anymore, just me. I know her instagram page and I can't stop checking it. She has a boyfriend now and they look so happy and all I can think of is how can I mess it up for her. She knows I existed and she did it anyway. I can't stop looking at her page, it's easy to say just stop looking at it but I cant. She has no idea how much hurt she has caused and I'm contemplation leaving as we speak but I'm pregnant with
Our third (Pls I don't need people saying why did you get pregnant again, it wasn't an easy decision to come too) I feel like I'm going a bit mental and when I bring it up to DP he says for God sake that was years ago like I should have just gotten over it, but I can't get over it. Will I ever get over it?

OP posts:

Cynara · 12/07/2015 12:59

This sounds absolutely awful for you, and I'm not surprised you're angry. My first thought though is that you're directing your anger at everyone but the one who most deserves it, your DP. After the way he has behaved, twice showing himself to be untrustworthy and disrespectful of you, he has absolutely no right at all to expect you to just get over it. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, if it's still a problem for you then it's a problem that he's created and frankly he should be bending over backwards to reassure, support and help you.

Has he given you much reason to believe he's truly sorry and truly committed to earning back your trust?

gildedcage · 12/07/2015 13:01

I understand where you're coming from when you say that you are angry with yourself. It feels like you have let yourself down doesn't it.

I have nothing really constructive to say other than the only way to feel better about yourself is to make a choice about your relationship that suits you. At the risk of sounding like a broken record some counselling just for you would provide you with a safe space to talk about your feelings and whether you want to stay in the relationship at all.

Original poster

LoveLetters · 12/07/2015 13:02

He thinks buying house and having kids shows he is committed but he did it two weeks after I had my first daughter, and just after I had my son also. I guess me being pregnant again is bringing up old anxieties, worrying he is going to start acting idiotic again when I have this baby. He's frustrated I can't move on, I'm frustrated I can't move on. I feel like she has just gotten away with
It scot free and is now living a great life with her new man.

OP posts:

gildedcage · 12/07/2015 13:04

Just to add I think now is the time to concentrate on your feelings rather than what your dh says or even what OW is upto. This is the path to madness.

gildedcage · 12/07/2015 13:05

You can't just move on though. You have to work through your feelings. Was this slightly brushed under the carpet previously?

Original poster

LoveLetters · 12/07/2015 13:07

Yes he apologised but just wanted to move on and forget it has happened. I'd just had a baby and I was looking after her I didn't give us time to get over it or work it through like I should have. I was in a really confused state.

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 12/07/2015 13:09

you might feel like she's got away scot free, but so has your DH, twice. Direct your anger to where it should be.

rumred · 12/07/2015 13:09

If he cheated after the last 2 births/pregnancies why wouldn't he cheat again? That'll be why you're so anxious, he's got form. And he's got away with it. the anger and bitterness are hurting you not him. Have you tried counselling? His behaviour is not that of a good father or husband. I hope you feel better soon

BathtimeFunkster · 12/07/2015 13:10

You'll get over it if you stop being married to a shit man who cheats on you whenever you have a baby and isn't even sorry.

Fuck her getting off Scott free - he did this to you twice and is still having his lovely life with you at home having more babies and probably working up to his next dalliance.

Although he might need to find a new OW if she is happy elsewhere.

Oh, but he's "frustrated" that you have the temerity to still be upset about his infidelities, is he? Poor lamb.

Cynara · 12/07/2015 13:10

What you're saying sounds completely reasonable. What he's saying, on the other hand, sounds like "You should trust me because I say so, even though I've shown you time and time again that I can't be trusted. You're at a very vulnerable time (pregnant) but I can't be bothered to help you deal with the insecurities that I've created, so FFS get over it."

This man sounds very selfish and immature. If the boot was on the other foot I'm sure he wouldn't be so blasé about repeated lying/cheating.

What do you want out of this situation? If he's not prepared to listen, take on board your concerns and act on them in such a way as to show you he's serious about prioritising you and your wellbeing, are you willing to stay?

BloodontheTracks · 12/07/2015 13:16

It makes total sense you would feel this way and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Of course you were vulnerable and you'd just had a baby and wanted things to get back to something more positive.

One thing I've found is that when cheating is brushed under the carpet at the time (usually by the cheater who doesn't want to look at it) it means that something doesn't get truthfully explored in favour of a mutually agreed lie, or just a blank space. But in our hearts and souls we know that something hasn't been talked about, and often hasn't even been admitted (the continued contact you mention above etc) and it sticks like a splinter in the body and over time becomes more and more infected.

It is easy to become obsessively jealous and it's bad for you. The difference is how has and does your partner deal with this. Your focus on her is a redirection of what your real fear and focus is, that you are with someone who has mistreated you and who you should have left and all that negativity is being funnelled towards looking at her online rather than dealing face to face with the real antagonist in the same house as you.

You'll find if you actually say to him you need to talk about this, in counselling maybe and address it properly, you may not need to project onto her anymore. If you want to leave your husband, that is what you need to look at. And you need to work out whether this is because you doubt his story and still feel his deceit from the affair, or whether you are fixating on his wrongs because you just don't want to be with him anymore, and are having trouble with the size of it. But she is nothing to do with it. And be kinder to yourself. You deserve your own support, not anger.

nrv0us · 12/07/2015 13:16

If he got drunk and wrapped your car around a tree, how angry would you be at the tree?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 12/07/2015 13:26

I really feel for you right now. His cheating is linked to your pregnancies / births and now you're pregnant again it's no wonder you're feeling extra-anxious. It's a time you most need love and support but you're sat there wondering how you've got yourself into this vulnerable position again, wide open for hurt.

I really, really hope your husband has changed. If he does the right thing this time, it could be a fresh new start and a chance to put the past behind you.

butterflygirl15 · 12/07/2015 13:28

He doesn't sound sorry and he doesn't seem to have reassured you that he won't do it again either. You have to decide whether you can live like this going forward. It isn't your fault and it isn't up to you to fix. That lies firmly at his feet.

Original poster

LoveLetters · 12/07/2015 13:31

If I want to leave I have no where to go. I'd have to live here until I built up a little next egg. Which could take a few months. It is workable but even now I can hear him downstairs moaning about something I've done. I just want to be a happy person again and he isn't making me happy.

OP posts:

BloodontheTracks · 12/07/2015 13:34

It sounds like you are in quite a dark place, love. I'm not sure the infidelities are the only problem here, from what you're saying. And frankly, they're enough, if you wanted them to be.

No one can 'make' you happy. But if he is making you unhappy you need to know that it is okay if you want to leave. Once you accept that you can make a much freer choice to stay or go, invested in your choice, rather than licing trapped and resentful.

I think your marriage is the problem right now, and I think you are turning that on internet ghosts and yourself.

It makes sense you would feel anxious and emotional right now. What is your DH's attitude to you and the marriage and the pregnancy? Have you had any sort of counselling?

butterflygirl15 · 12/07/2015 13:42

Why should you be the one to leave?

Cynara · 12/07/2015 13:50

Obviously now might not be the time, depending how fat along your pregnancy you are and how you're feeling, but maybe you could start doing some research and making some plans for a future without him. Things like how much child maintenance he'll have to pay, if you'd be entitled to tax credits/housing benefit etc. You might not want to do anything with that information just yet, but by gathering it you might feel like you're taking back some power and being proactive and positive rather than passive.

Cynara · 12/07/2015 13:51

Far along, not fat along! Sorry!

Original poster

LoveLetters · 12/07/2015 13:52

Just tried to talk to him and he gets really frustrated "why are you doing this to yourself... It was years ago... I didn't do anything with her" which was like a red rag to a bull. I have it documented what thy did from the text messages I've kept. Apparently he is still saying I should just get over it. Actually feel like I despise him right now. Going to start saving and getting the hell out of here

OP posts:

rumred · 12/07/2015 14:01

I'm not surprised you're livid because you're being fobbed off. Starting planning is a brave move, can you speak to anyone who'll support you?

BloodontheTracks · 12/07/2015 14:03

I think from his point of view he lied to you at the time, but also ended the affair. So he will be reacting with anger to it being brought up again, the shame it makes him feel, but also the pointlessness in his mind of going back in time.

I think this is why affairs need to be excavated at the time, despite the pain, because this sort of cancer gets worse over time for the betrayed.

But I also suspect that a greater general unhappiness with the marriage is now causing you to look back at the treatment you have endured and ask serious questions about your life. Since you knew he had cheated on you and was lying about it at the time, you decided at the time to stay despite that, because it was too frightening and damaging to leave. you were terribly vulnerable. But presumably you also hoped for better days, which have not emerged? How is your marriage otherwise, outside the wound of his infidelities? You will be very emotionally vulnerable right now being pregnant.

It sounds to me like you have already made a decision to leave in the back of your head and are looking for some support.

Joysmum · 12/07/2015 14:22

You're obsessed with her because you don't feel able to allow yourself to express all the feeling you have at him for this. He's the one at fault and should accept that you have every right to express your hunt and anger and can't begin to get over his betrayal until you can do this and he can take ownership of his own actions and not minimize it so you feel you can trust him with your feelings.

He's not doing any of that and you'll never be able to get past it until he does.

BloodontheTracks · 12/07/2015 14:37

Joysmum is absolutely right. You are obsessively going over her life in some attempt to emotionally solve something that you have not been given opportunity to understand or make sense of, because he refuses to give you the truth or take responsibility. Without this, you have no hope of moving on.

tribpot · 12/07/2015 14:44

he did it two weeks after I had my first daughter, and just after I had my son also ... He's frustrated I can't move on

Poor him. What a pain for him that you can't instantly forget his atrocious behaviour (you call it idiotic, I think this diminishes your hurt and the betrayal of trust and sounds like a word he uses to describe it himself).

Of course you can't move on. He's basically done nothing to make amends (he thinks having children is evidence of commitment but has cheated on you straight after you had both children, errr ... what the fuck now?). You know full well it would have progressed had you not caught him out, and even when you did he attempted to lie to cover it up.

He's never acknowledged that you have the absolute right to your feelings and that he is the one who needs to put the legwork into winning your trust back again. It sounds like he doesn't care whether you trust him or not, and there is every reason to suppose that he intends to cheat again because the evidence of history is right there.

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