Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Obsessed with OW

41 replies

LoveLetters · 12/07/2015 12:53

Dp had emotional affair with work colleague 4 years ago. They kissed and didn't get much further than groping but their messages to eacother were so explicit. He continued to lie after I found out about having contact with her and I found out they would go out to lunch as friends. Started talking inappropriately again 2 yrs ago when I caught it before it went further. I've become a really angry person and I've just released today I'm angry at myself for putting up with it and staying. I'm not even angry with him anymore, just me. I know her instagram page and I can't stop checking it. She has a boyfriend now and they look so happy and all I can think of is how can I mess it up for her. She knows I existed and she did it anyway. I can't stop looking at her page, it's easy to say just stop looking at it but I cant. She has no idea how much hurt she has caused and I'm contemplation leaving as we speak but I'm pregnant with
Our third (Pls I don't need people saying why did you get pregnant again, it wasn't an easy decision to come too) I feel like I'm going a bit mental and when I bring it up to DP he says for God sake that was years ago like I should have just gotten over it, but I can't get over it. Will I ever get over it?

OP posts:

worserevived · 12/07/2015 14:57

You poor thing. I completely understand where you are coming from. It is normal to go through a phase of obsession with OW. It's human nature. The whys, and the hows, and the whats of her v what he had at home.

The thing is let it be a phase. Hate her for a while, but don't do anything more than give it a small amount of head space to get it out of your system, then redirect everything back on him. He's the one at fault here. She's not a very nice person with dubious morals, but that's all. Not worth investing your time in.

Staying with someone who has cheated once is an almost impossible task. If they've done it twice it must be even harder. Ask yourself what he brings to your life now, as if it is a whole pile of negatives you'd be better of without him.

((((Hugs)))))

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/07/2015 15:31

Oh OP. Stop being angry with yourself. If you weren't pregnant, I'd suggest being angry with him. He started it AGAIN. Why do that if his relationship with you was important.

I'm not surprised that you're angry but it's not good for you. What might be good is if you can delete links to the instagram and either decide to make a go of your relationship (permanently or just 'for now') - or whether to get your thoughts towards preparing to split. Even if you don't ultimately split, there's a lot to be gained from knowing all the ins and outs of what you would be entitled to so that, should the worst happen, you already know what you need to know.

Your husband sounds very weak and very dismissive of you. He doesn't have the right to treat you that way.

oabiti · 12/07/2015 21:49

I went through similar, op, and we had a child. It took me so long to realise:

He will never change.
He will always find a way to talk to her.

And sorry to sound harsh but groping isn't an emotional affair, it's an affair. It is a nightmare situation for you. I really feel for you :-(

It's not easy.

springydaffs · 12/07/2015 22:10

You poor, poor woman.

He is a shit. He not only cheated on you - repeatedly - but now sneers at you for being mashed up about it. Revolting, revolting man. No wonder you feel you're losing the plot (hug)

Get to the Freedom Programme, look on line to 'find a course' near you.

Call Women's Aid (at night if poss; or email with details of good times to call you) for info and support inc advice on housing. [Shelter are good on this too re advice on where you stand legally]. As a pp said, you don't necessarily have to be the one to leave the house.

Your self-esteem and confidence must be on the floor. I'm so sorry he,'s put you through this torture. He is not a good man.

Blackandwhitecat3 · 13/07/2015 09:01

Springy's advice about the Freedom programme and WomensAid is solid. They are amazing and will help you with the kind of emotional and practical support that you seem to need right now and that you keep looking for on these boards. They can also give you advice on what financial help you are eligible for to help you move out. Whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave, they will help you through your choices in a non-judgemental way. Please call them.

sensiblesometimes · 13/07/2015 10:25

He's adopting strategies to put you down/ and avoid the issue . making it very difficult for you to talk about the very big issue of his adultery. Don't give in to this your marriage will not survive ..and how can you trust him if he won't take your feelings seriously. You're focused on the other women because he is making it so hard to challenge him . Get support and help online and in rl .Your feelings matter

Jan45 · 13/07/2015 10:32

No you wont ever get over it because you know deep down you can't trust him at all now.

I would rather be on my own than live with the thought of it more than likely happening again.

I wouldn't believe his story either, of course they had sex, that's why he did it.

Sorry, that doesn't help but honestly, he sounds like a serial cheat, he will just cover his tracks better in the future, is this really the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with, I am sure there's better out there.

Do as advised above, check out advice re starting again without him.

Cabrinha · 13/07/2015 15:20

I relate completely to being angry with yourself.

I had no chance to be angry with my XH because he denied everything.

The anger with myself for putting up with his shit, and his obvious lies, were far more damaging than the actual cheating would have been if he'd confessed and been genuinely sorry.

My experience - my XH broke us so badly we couldn't be fixed.

His fault.

I left.

I'm happy now.

Original poster

LoveLetters · 20/07/2015 21:06

Update. Told him that after the baby is born I will be leaving.
Today while driving along I witnessed a man abusing a child violently in the street. Smacking him around the head with a bag. It was awful. I stopped the car and shouted at him to stop. I then drove off and I reported it to the school. (Friend knew the boys name)
Tonight I told DP what happened and his response was "why did you put our kids in danger. Why didn't you mind your own business" our kids were not in danger, man was no where near our car and I drove off immediately after telling him to stop. Then he accused me of doing it for my own ego???? What????
It's just been the end for me. I can't even talk to this man without him finding a problem in everything. Once I've had the baby and by then some money behind me I'll be leaving to my own place. I can no longer live with a man who I can't talk with, won't discuss our problems and doesn't really show love anymore.
Pls tell me I'm Doing the right thing

OP posts:

MrBeansMother · 20/07/2015 21:13

Limited time to type but I want to say one thing:

You are making the right decision. You are a strong, amazing, intelligent person and you and your baby deserve the best. You should never settle for anything less. This is a new chapter now and there will be ups and downs ahead, but ultimately it is your right to be lived and respected, to be treated decently and to be in a relationship with mutual appreciation and understanding. Thank God for mothers like you who find the strength to take that unborn child out of the situation and move onwards with their life.

Utmost respect to you and a handhold here

You are doing the right thing. You can do it. You deserve it.

WinterBabyof89 · 20/07/2015 21:20

Absolutely the right thing - must have taken some courage to make that decision.

When's DC3 due? Hopefully inbetween now & then you can get a solid plan together and begin to look forward to a brighter future :)

andthenagain · 20/07/2015 21:20

you are doing the right thing OP. But please be careful he won't believe that you will actually do it.
That was a very brave thing to do today.

Original poster

LoveLetters · 20/07/2015 21:28

No he can't discuss anything. He is downstairs now huffing and puffing. What person wouldn't try and stop a 6 yr old being abused in the street?
Baby due end of Jan so will just have to cohabit until then. What the hell am I going to do with 2'kids and a newborn. I'm so scared, and so angry with my self I've let this situation happen.

OP posts:

Cynara · 20/07/2015 21:48

He's done you a huge favour today. This was what you needed to give you the push to finish it. You did the right thing today for that little boy, and you're doing the right thing for you and your children. I know you're scared, but be proud of yourself. This is the first step.

butterflygirl15 · 20/07/2015 22:01

Well done for that decision - and a big well done for defending that poor lad in the street. You did an amazing thing today for that little boy x

Blackandwhitecat3 · 20/07/2015 23:07

Well done today - both for stepping in to help that little boy, and for your decision to leave. You are totally doing the right thing.

You didn't "let this happen", he did.

I do wonder though, if there is help available to you to help you financially to move out earlier than 6 months time. You may be surprised. Womensaid will definitely know, and can help you get your thoughts together, talk things over and make a plan. I know I've said it before, but if you contact them you won't regret it (I appreciate that actually ringing someone up and telling them what you've decided is a huge step).

Good luck, and do stay on the boards for moral support. You sound like a very strong and capable woman, but don't be afraid to ask for help.

Flip

1 2