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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are dittany, expatinscotland and SolidGoldBrass still around?

44 replies

MollFlounders · 09/07/2015 16:49

That's it really.

It's nearly the sixth anniversary of the re-claiming of my life and for some reason I've just re-read my old "leaving thread" from 2009. Hadn't looked at it for years - I couldn't; too traumatic.

Something made me look it up today. And coming at it cold, I was absolutely stopped in my tracks. Not by what a fuckwit my XH was and how utterly screwed up I was (although those things were both pretty bad). But what got me the most was seeing the staggeringly good quality of advice I got and the time, the unbelievable amounts of time, people invested in supporting me.

So many posters helped. Lots of them I still see on these boards every day (hello Jux Flowers). But I haven't seen lately dittany, expat and SGB - maybe it's because I've had a long break from MN and have missed name-changes.

But if they are out there, I want them to know my immense gratitude for the way in which they tirelessly returned to help me and bail me out every time I started falling apart again. I said thank you at the time but I was in such a total daze/life fog/battle for sanity that I could not stand back and see what an epic effort these posters put in.

I don't know if you're still out there, but you literally changed my life. Lots of other posters did, too, but I'm just noticing the absence of you three, who were freaking awesome to me, and I hope you're out there and well.

Way, way, way too late to be saying this. But I owe you everything.

Thank you. I hope you see this Flowers Flowers Flowers

OP posts:
Fatstacks · 09/07/2015 16:51

What a lovely message Moll glad things are better for you, very thoughtful of you to say thanks to those who helped Flowers yerself Smile

FenellaFellorick · 09/07/2015 16:53

dittany is gone, but expat and sgb are still here.

It's really wonderful that you have a happy life now Thanks

Lancelottie · 09/07/2015 17:07

Good grief Moll, I remember your threads and couldn't believe what you were going through. Hope life has treated you and DD well since then.

Original poster
MollFlounders · 09/07/2015 17:18

oh thanks for the replies! I'm sorry to hear dittany is gone. Is she ok, does anyone know?

All is very good now, thank you Fenella and Lancelottie. There have been some very dark times - XH clings by his fingernails to every shred of control he can find, which is sadly DD (who is now DD1, as there is also now a lovely DD2 Smile). But DD1 is enormously wise, thoughtful and emotionally intelligent and she's very resilient - as well as starting to develop some measure of her father, in a way that helps her deal with him.

OP posts:
LapsedPacifist · 09/07/2015 17:44

How lovely to hear from you again Moll! Smile I remember your threads very well (I posted as MrsFlittersnoop back then) and can honestly say your story was one of the most disturbing I've read on here. So glad your life is going well and congratulations on DD2!

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 18:29

hi moll, could you link to your thread ?

SolidGoldBrass · 09/07/2015 18:49

Hey Moll! Glad to hear you are doing so well. I have never forgotten your appalling XP either.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/07/2015 18:50

Gosh, I remember you Moll, has it really been six years!

Do you still have your old nose? Wink

Roomba · 09/07/2015 18:55

Moll is the poster whose DH cried as he wanted her to have a nose job, am I right?

So glad you are happy and free of this awful man. Congratulations on your DD2 as well!

Original poster
MollFlounders · 09/07/2015 21:45

SGB! It's so nice to see you! You gave me bloody good advice and I was too catatonic to properly thank you for it at the time. So now Flowers Flowers Flowers

MrsF as was: I remember you very well and you made some great posts back then, for which: thank you

Annie: I remember you posting, too. Thank you. Old nose still going strong Grin

Roomba - yes, that's me. And thank you!

AF - thread of my life unravelling in the best possible way is here

I am a basket case for most of it; it was painful reading today.

Everything I have now, I owe to MN. I could not have started this conversation in RL without you.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 22:23

am up to page 5

fucking hell

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 22:26

MollFlounders Mon 20-Jul-09 22:57:17

Expat - you sound like a fabulous mother.

Choked at that one.

OsloGin · 09/07/2015 23:01

Great to hear you moved on! I remember you but I've since changed names. Hope you are happy (alone or with a partner).

sheswallowedafly · 09/07/2015 23:55

I also remember your threads Moll! I have just scanned the one you linked to.... what an amazing courageous woman you were in the face of such awful persecution by your XH - and you're right....that was exceptional, patient and insightful advice from the posters supporting you, and definitely an example of how MN can be the most fantastic, safe place for people in need.

How are you and DD now? I hope in time she realises what a brave and loving mother she has Flowers. She is a really lucky girl to have you in her life.

sheswallowedafly · 09/07/2015 23:56

I also miss Dittany. She was a brilliant poster.

Kampeki · 10/07/2015 00:07

How lovely of you to come back and say thank you, OP. I'm so glad that you've got your life back.

I'm in awe of the people who post such wonderful advice on the relationships boards. Thankfully, I haven't needed to post there myself, but I'm sure it's a lifeline for many!

KatieScarlettreregged · 10/07/2015 00:12

That e-mail from your ex at the end of your 09 thread is everything. Confused
So glad you are happy now.

Ohfourfoxache · 10/07/2015 00:31

Moll! I remember lurking on your "hitting in your sleep" thread (can't remember if I posted or not) and being utterly appalled at what you were going through.

Just wanted to say bloody well done and I'm so, so pleased that you're so much happier x

mathanxiety · 10/07/2015 06:36

'Can relationships be better than/different to this? Are people out there in relationships where they feel heard, understood, cherished, supported and where their partner is kind and forgiving. Do people have partners that put their families first, ahead of what they want. Or are these pipedreams/fantasies of perfect relationships that aren't attained in RL. Am I making a huge mistake and throwing away a strong relationship and I just can't see it? '

This stayed with me.

I hope you now know the answer is yes.

Flowers
Original poster
MollFlounders · 10/07/2015 09:05

mathanxiety - hello! It's like catching up with old friends again. Yes, that paragraph really struck me when I read the thread yesterday. I just can't believe what a mess I was in and how I'd let XH beat me down that far. I remember being totally gobsmacked by the posters who wrote at the time describing their days, and their DP/DH making them a cup of tea in the morning, maybe driving them to work, maybe getting up for the DC in the night etc etc. It didn't seem real. I'm so glad to say that DP puts me and the DDs not just at the centre of his life but also first in all things. I still can't believe I could be so lucky.

Thank you also to sheswallowed, Kampeki, KatieS and Ohfour - reading the thread back, I can hardly believe it was my life. The nose stuff, the hitting threats. It's all complete insanity.

And XH's commentary which I reported at the time - it's unbelievable!! : "I'm not selfish, I've just got a very strong self and you can't handle me!" Plus: "you no longer have enough energy for me." Shock After the fucker had drained every ounce of emotional energy out of me.

I actually took this bullshit seriously! I can't believe so many posters were so patient with me.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 10/07/2015 09:20

Do you know why people were patient? Because most of us have either been there or seen someone close in the same situation, and we know it's not easy when you're in the middle of it. You weren't dumb, you were suckered in. There's a lot of it about.

MilkThistle187 · 10/07/2015 09:24

Moll, I was just thinking about you recently and wondering how you are! So pleased that you have the happy life you deserve now. You were incredibly brave to get out, I'm so happy that you have a new dp and dd.

I'm a serial name changer and not on MN as much these days, it feels very fateful that I clicked on active convo's while waiting for ds to get ready and saw this!

KatieScarlettreregged · 10/07/2015 09:27

But you were brilliant! Even though he had manipulated you for years, you were able to be so strong, leave and not get sucked back in.
So happy you have wonderful DP and new DD. They are lucky to have such a fabulous partner/mum.

projectgreen · 10/07/2015 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MollFlounders · 10/07/2015 09:48

Thanks Annie, MilkThistle, KatieS and project green

Re what happened next, leaving was just the first step. The six years since then have been a bloody hard slog of trying to get him out of my life as much as possible while trying to create stability for DD1 and to enable her right to have a relationship with her father, even though I loathe him with every fibre of my being

After I left him, XH had fairly sporadic contact with DD1. But then about 16 months later a switch flipped and he started proceedings for residence of DD1. That was the start of three separate hearings on residence. I knew it would go that way. When I saw a solicitor even before I left XH she said to me only something like 1% of cases go to a full hearing. I knew we would be in that 1%, so played everything by the book and kept copious records of everything. In the last hearing, XH was given contact of every other weekend and a midweek overnight - which is sort of ok. But he does treat it like a free option - i.e. he does his own thing and fairly regularly misses weekends etc because he's got other plans. DD1 is completely fine with this.

After the residence process, XH then tried to get a financial support order against me. I've kept those papers as they are very special. A beautiful story about how XH was the supportive husband and kept the home fires burning in order to allow me to go out and forge a career; how he'd sacrificed everything to allow me to pursue my dreams and now his prospects had withered on the vine after I cruelly abandoned him.... Fortunately I had a great barrister and a sensible judge and so that went nowhere.

And then there was last summer, where XH had DD1's passport as he'd taken her on an agreed holiday abroad. But then he wouldn't give it back as he was trying to prevent me from taking her on a summer holiday with my parents. When he realised that I could use DD1's other passport (she has dual nationality) he reported me and DP to the relevant high commission and alleged that we must have fraudulently obtained that other passport because he couldn't recall signing the consent forms! So that went to court too. The judge roundly criticised XH as malicious and a bully and ordered him to pay the costs of the hearing. £15k!

I know it will go on forever and ever. There have been moments when that sense has really dragged me down.

But six years on and past the age of 40, I now think: fuck this! I'm too old to have this stuff in the centre of my life. He can do whatever he wants but he can never, ever beat me because he is fuelled by anger and hate and my life is full of love. Corny but true.

The one legacy I do want to get rid of is that I've been on ADs pretty much full time for the last six years. Getting off them is a project for the autumn and I feel like I will then have fully processed this whole experience and moved on to the next phase of my life....

OP posts:
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