Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to confront

52 replies

Deirdresmum · 09/07/2015 10:46

Long time member but NC for this as don't want to out myself.
If you know something is wrong, but the method by which you know it is wrong is also wrong then what to do?

If you have snooped on your boyfriend or girlfriend and found evidence of something you don't like - something inappropriate - how do you confront them without admitting what you did?

I know it's wrong and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been suspicious.

Turns out I was right though.

I want to have it out but don't want to admit what I did. I am a coward.

Is there a way to confront in these circumstances without losing face?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/07/2015 13:49

No, of course not they can't!

What he has done far, far outweighs what you've done.

I wouldn't even call it snooping - it's a horrible term. I'd think of it as suspecting someone was lying to you and checking whether they were or not. You'd have to be daft not to, really.

If you couldn't find something out like that, it just means that as long as the other person holds onto their phone tightly enough, they can do whatever the hell they like - that's obviously not right.

Does he ever go on your phone?

Original poster
Deirdresmum · 09/07/2015 13:53

No and I don't go on his phone. He doesn't leave it lying around.
I logged onto his email from my computer but he didn't tell me the password. Just a lucky guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deirdresmum · 09/07/2015 13:54

What's the word for this?
Hacking?
That can be a police matter, can't it?

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 09/07/2015 13:54

but you haven't done anything wrong. What do you think the police would do? What evidence is there that you did anyway and since when has snooping been illegal?

An unfaithful man is in the wrong here - why on earth are you blaming yourself for snooping? It is ridiculous to be worrying over that don't you think? And to be ashamed - well surely the unfaithful person should be feeling that. I don't understand what this self flagellation is all about. Do you suffer from anxiety in other areas of your life or has your partner been treating you so badly that your self esteem is literally on the floor?

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2015 14:00

So you guessed his password? I would just say that you opened the laptop and opened Yahoo or whatever and his email was still open. Believe me, when he's confronted with what you know, he will accept how you know it.

I'm the only person who uses my laptop so I don't log off. I click on Yahoo and then I can automatically go onto my email.

Do you use the same email provider as him?

WizardOfToss · 09/07/2015 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2015 14:14

Yes, technically you did hack into his account. Technically this is a crime - Computer Misuse Act. I'm sure you'll get some people on here who will be aghast at what you've done.

However, I think there's no way he can prove you hacked into his emails - although that doesn't make it right, it does mean it would be very difficult for anyone to put a case against you.

I'm sure he will rant and rave and say it's your fault because you shouldn't have snooped - given what's going on I would just say he left it open and you saw it and that's it.

Fearless91 · 09/07/2015 14:16

OP he wouldn't be able to get the police involved. Even if he could all you would have to say is he asked you that morning to look for an email.

You've snooped and found something. He might not have had sex with this girl but the fact he's even talking about sex with her is worse than you snooping.

I think the fact you're worrying about his reaction tells me you would stay with him and that you're worried he will leave you for snooping. Am I correct?

If you would stay with him that's fine it's you're decision.
But honestly, you snooping isn't the issue when he's been doing something far worse.

Original poster
Deirdresmum · 09/07/2015 14:31

We don't live together so I can't use the line about him leaving his email open :-(
I don't want him to leave me for snooping.
I want to be in the right. Even though I'm in the wrong, iykwim.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/07/2015 14:33

I think of snooping as you going to a friend's house, seeing her payslip on the table and turning it over to see how much she gets paid, not checking to see whether your partner is being unfaithful, possibly passing on STDs, possibly having another child, possibly planning to leave you in the lurch with no money.

There's a hell of a difference!

Joysmum · 09/07/2015 14:45

Why is your wish to appear whiter than white more important to you than ending a faithful relationship? Theres a huge disparity between what he did and what you did (and will continue to do as you don't trust him unless you get out).

BinToHellAndBack · 09/07/2015 15:08

Once you've found some evidence of foul play how you got that information becomes irrelevant.

I think you're focusing on not wanting to look like you've done anything wrong when it really doesn't matter any more. If you found nothing then I'd understand guilt, but you have proved your suspicions to be justified.

Personally, I wouldn't want a relationship with him after finding what you've found. But if he then decides that looking at his emails is a reason to dump you, he's even less worthy of you! Honestly, don't lose any sleep about guessing his password - he's the one that has screwed you over.

Cut yourself some slack (and him a lot less!) Flowers

butterflygirl15 · 09/07/2015 15:14

sounds like you are looking for an excuse not to confront him.

You don't need to tell him what you saw, just tell him that you know. Then you dump his sorry arse. Or are you hoping he will tell you a pack of lies which you will gratefully lap up so you can cling onto an unfaithful man who has no respect for you?

Fearless91 · 09/07/2015 15:47

OP just tell him what you know but don't tell him how you know.

For all he knows this woman may have messaged you.

I understand you don't want to admit to snooping but what he's done is worse and so the fact you snooped is irrelevant.

If he leaves you because you look on his phone despite what he's done then he isn't the person for you.

Janette123 · 09/07/2015 15:58

deirderesmum,
If you really, really,really can't confront him about this then you're going to have to play a waiting game.
Do nothing overtly, act normal but keep eyes & ears open as you go into Sherlock mode.
Check the mileage on the car, check the 'phone bill, go through the car, under the seats, check his pockets when he's in the bath for receipts. etc
If there's anything dodgy going on then he'll eventually get careless, trip himself him and you can challenge him.

Original poster
Deirdresmum · 09/07/2015 16:13

Thankyou all for your advice.
I am listening.
I badly want to confront.
I deserve better. Just scared of the consequences.
It's not easy, particularly with children involved.
I want real remorse and sincere apologies and then we will see.
I just wish there was a way to throw it out there without incriminating myself.

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 09/07/2015 16:38

you don't want to be single - but being in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful is not the better option.

mistymeanour · 09/07/2015 16:41

It seems you are worried that if you confront that he will take the moral high ground and that you will end up apologising. You need to steel yourself not to do this. I think you are also worried that he won't show real remorse and then you will not be able to continue. I know it's painful but it is better to know the truth then you can deal with it properly - it makes for less prolonged heartache for everyone in the long run

BinToHellAndBack · 09/07/2015 17:16

I disagree that you would be 'incriminating' yourself, but fair enough if you don't want to go down that route.

Perhaps it'll be easier to find a solution if you come at it backwards and decide what you want to the outcome to be. Do you want the relationship to continue at any cost? Is it just about what's best for the children (are they just yours or is he their dad?)?

In my mind, the trouble with wanting to withhold that you know his secret, is that if there's any chance of saving the relationship you both need to be open and honest. Obviously it's already looking bleak as he's betrayed you so horribly and covered it up. But it's that not automatically a deal breaker for you then I think you need to consider if any good can come from him not knowing that you've read his emails.

That's a bit garbled so I apologise, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that not telling him is fine if you've decided to end it all now. If you think there's an outside chance that something might be salvageable, anything other than honesty from this point forward is just another nail in the coffin.

I do understand you wanting the remorse and apologies, but you need to accept that he hid this from you for ages and probably thinks he got away with it. He isn't going to just confess and beg for forgiveness, you have to let him know he's caught somehow or it's never-ending stalemate!

I suppose you could do the watch and wait game until he incriminates himself further, but I kind of think if you're going down that route you might as well end it now... it's not exactly a foundation for a healthy future together.

It sounds horrible and stressful for you though, so I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You're right that you deserve better.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 09/07/2015 21:14

When you accused him before he lied to your face and showed no guilt or remorse.

If you confront and he shows remorse that only shows he's sorry he got caught.

It is too late for remorse IMO.

How is it complicated with children but you don't live together?

Original poster
Deirdresmum · 10/07/2015 10:28

I've got two children. One is mine from a previous relationship and the others is ours.
Both love him very much.
I'm still umming and ahhhing about confronting.
Scared stiff of splitting up because I love him and it would affect all of us but I know I can't go on with this unresolved.
I wonder if he suspects something as he has been extra nice these last couple of days.

OP posts:
Melonfool · 10/07/2015 15:42

Do you really think you could ever trust him again though?

If not, then no need to confront and worry about 'snooping' (my own view is, if you share a bed you share everything and hide nothing, so it's not snooping. Dp and I have access to each other's phones, though never really use it. We don't with email but don't feel the need to, neither of us shut them down when we leave the room though and dp could access my PC if he wanted to, he knows the password, emails are on my phone too though).

Just tell him the relationship is over.

You shouldn't be this scared to speak to your partner.

Smorgasboard · 10/07/2015 16:02

Your issue is more that you are hoping he will say all the right things so the relationship can continue because you don't want to split up. So in your mind, what he has done, is already not a dealbreaker. Thing is, at the same time he's already done wrong by denying, and you fear he will accuse you of snooping, perhaps take the moral ground and dump you even for that. That's fear of loss and looking bad too.
You need to decide if you want him at any cost and how much you are willing to appease to stay his GF. TBH what do you get out of this, you have a child together yet don't live together so he is leading the single life isn't he? It already sounds like you are willing to accept a lot less out of a 'relationship' than most would without any infidelity.
It comes down to fear of end of the 'relationship' and fear of being dumped. It looks like you have given him all the power. You could take back the power and dump him. You don't even need to mention the snooping, just say you are not happy with things anymore, or you didn't believe him when you asked. It would be totally reasonable to dump him for his lack of commitment to you and his child - not living together, really you are only half way in a relationship anyway, I wouldn't give it partnership status,as you are just dating.

butterflygirl15 · 10/07/2015 16:08

when you confront him he is unlikely to admit it. Can you swallow his lies and live the rest of your life waiting to catch him out again?

BitOutOfPractice · 10/07/2015 16:48

Just say "I know for certain about you and xx. I know everything. What have you got to say for yourself?"

Don't say how you know. He will be panicking and trying to think, frantically, how you might know

Don't even for a second feel bad or ashamed of yourself.