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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband doesn't believe I was raped in a previous relationship

39 replies

CindyEcstacy · 09/07/2015 02:29

I don't want to drop feed or omit important information so sorry in advance.

In 2006 my ex-p came to my just on the pretence of visiting my DC1 (born 99) who he had been close to for nearly 5 years. We had been split for several months. He came to my home and raped me while my child slept in his bedroom.

I've tried to not let this bother me or impact our lives in any way. I am a very positive person (I think!) I got married and had a 2nd son in 2010.

Recently my marriage has been going to pot for various reasons including financial, medical and emotional. And substance abuse (really trying to be honest)

Today in a heated row with DH he told me that I was mental and always has been. He 'knew' what had gone on on with ex and he had seen my medical records that there was an 'accusation' of rape.

I went fucking batshit because a) he wouldn't tell me how he had had access to my medical records and b) when he kept saying it was accusations was screaming at him well do you believe me? Do you? Do you? He wouldn't answer

This is just the tip of the iceberg re our marriage (ha!) at the mo. But I feel so hurt and angry and betrayed that he seemed to be doubting my account of my life before him

Sorry for the waffle xxx my head is a mess please help me

OP posts:

Original poster

CindyEcstacy · 09/07/2015 02:30

And typos are atrocious - sorry

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 09/07/2015 02:31

How on earth has he got hold of your medical records?!

Original poster

CindyEcstacy · 09/07/2015 02:33

I have no idea? I know he was given a report by social services but I wouldn't have thought it included that kind of stuff

OP posts:

Saymwa · 09/07/2015 02:40

That's awful. You poor Love.
I do suggest you look for a councelor to get the the help you need and deserve. They can help you to deal with some of these issues. I don't see why you feel you should keep muddling through on your own.
Sending big hugs and kisses too.

Original poster

CindyEcstacy · 09/07/2015 02:42

Thanks Potttering for the reply but I'm a bit of a fraud really. I know the marriage is doomed. The problems are huge. I'm almost trying to pardon myself and/or him in a weird way.

Just a broked heart I guess - now on with the practicalities.

OP posts:

Original poster

CindyEcstacy · 09/07/2015 02:44

And thank you Saymwa too x

OP posts:

textfan · 09/07/2015 02:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FolkGirl · 09/07/2015 05:08

He hasn't seen your medical records.
He's just saying it to be nasty and to cause you distress because he's a shit.

SavoyCabbage · 09/07/2015 05:29

Bloody hell that is horrendous. What a bastard to say that to you.

He should be the person in your life who is there for you the most. Who you can trust. Instead he has garnered information about you behind your back and now is using it to wrong foot you.

Flowerpower41 · 09/07/2015 05:43

Sorry to say it but I would seriously plan to get out of this nasty dysfunctional relationship he isn't supportive or sympathetic to you at all.

You deserve someone who can accept and value you as you are.

I do wish you well.

Aussiemum78 · 09/07/2015 05:53

He's trying to make you feel crazy.

Ltb.

textfan · 09/07/2015 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonZoo · 09/07/2015 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 09/07/2015 07:14

It sounds like you are in another cycle of abuse. What an utter bastard.

kittybiscuits · 09/07/2015 07:20

Please find your way out of this hideous relationship OP. By the way it is standard to write that there is an accusation or allegation of rape in medical records. It does not mean that the medical professional did not believe you. Why has he seen a social services report? He sounds awful.

Joysmum · 09/07/2015 07:25

I can't begin to understand what you are going through.

I'm currently getting help for my previous rape and my DH has been nothing but supportive and it hurst him to think I e been hurt. There's no way he wouldn't have believed me.

To be raped by a partner or ex may not be physically violent and so not seen as such a big deal, but I really struggled with the betrayal of my trust and being able to trust my own judgement. You've now found out you've trusted again and tat person has let you down in the most disgusting way.

I'm afraid I have no advice as I'm not yet their with my own thoughts and feelings regarding my past, let alone able to offer you any practical words of wisdom now.

Your marriage is over though. You can't trust him to have your back and know he doesn't respect you. It's time to plan an exit

Twinklestein · 09/07/2015 07:38

He hasn't seen them, it's bullshit.

He's just an arsehole trying to hurt you.

Get out as soon as you can.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 09/07/2015 07:44

What a horrible man :( I'm so sorry that he has said such nasty, vile things. Is there any way that his job could mean he had access to your records? If so I would report him to his work. There will be evidence.

Either way, he has shown how low he will stoop. To take such a painful time and try to hurt you with it, is beyond reprehensible.

Leave him as soon as you can. You deserve better.

Rape crisis can be amazing if you need some extra support

MrsKCastle · 09/07/2015 07:44

It sounds like you know the marriage is over. He sounds vile- to take something like that and use it against you. It shows he doesn't love you, care for you or respect you.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/07/2015 10:42

You have been betrayed in the most awful way, by your Dh and those who allowed access to your records.
How the hell did he get his hands on your medical records.
Who gave them to him. Should their heads not roll! That is well last time I checked serious breach of confidentiality.
So I'd be finding that out without delay.
Legally rape victims can not be named. Unless they wave their right to anonymity and by allowing him access to your record (which someone must have) is in effect naming you.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 09/07/2015 10:48

This is terrible. He shouldn't have seen your medical records.

Despite this, what kind of marriage is it where you have to prove what you say is true?! I have had to tell my husband difficult stuff from the past, he hugged me for a couple of hours, he didn't ask for proof!

This is all kinds of wrong and as you already know, you need to be making concrete plans to leave. Good luck with it all.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/07/2015 10:52

Unless you have a copy of your medical records lying around the house then he will be bullshitting. Not sure about social services, wouldn't you have seen a copy of what they sent him?

Not that it's relevant, probably, but is the substance abuse his or yours?

Hassled · 09/07/2015 10:55

So had you never told him about the rape yourself - is it that the only way he could know would be if he had seen the records? Or could he have heard from someone else and be bullshitting about the records?
Either way, he sounds like a complete bastard and you'll be well rid. Hope you're OK.

rubyroux · 09/07/2015 10:57

The one person that should have your back and he doubts you, what a shit

Original poster

CindyEcstacy · 09/07/2015 11:00

Oh I wrote a huge response and it disappeared. Grr.

In so tired and worn down.

I never told him about the rape. I was assigned a social worker as I recently served an 8 months sentence for drink driving. Please don't judge me i know what I did was appalling and I got off very lightly. The substance abuse has been both of us. I am 17 months clean now.

Surely the social worker would not have shown him med records?

OP posts:

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