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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not coping with partner leaving me....

61 replies

Tanyalouise30 · 08/07/2015 17:59

Hi, any advice support please.
My partner left me a week ago. Long story short we were at a family bbq on the Sunday he got out of control drunk and on the way home on the train he started flipping out on me accusing me of being a cheat . For the record I have never cheated and never even thought about it, it's not something that I would do. Anyway, he was very aggressive on the train and was threatening me saying he will "find him" and torture him and a death will be on my hands, then used his head to push mine against a window and spat in my face... All in front of my daughter and his sister.

Went to work the next day and instead of coming home to an apology which I expected I came home to him packing his bags and sticking with this accusation of cheating, I defended myself and asked who he thought id cheated with and he said he will never name names as no one would believe him and he doesn't want to be called a liar and will take it to his grave ...he's even gone as far to say my dad knows about it and has done all the time ...insane.
Obviously as u can imagine I'm devastated I knew we have had it rough the last year or so but I just never saw this coming, and I hate the way it's making me feel I'm broken and lost he won't respond to me. He's just gone out my life and grilling me about when he can see our dd and how much money I want and when he will get his stuff...

Will I feel like this forever I feel like I can't breathe with all this anxiety :(

OP posts:
laurierf · 08/07/2015 21:16

No, you will not feel this anxiety forever.

As said above, get straight on the phone to an SHL. Protect yourself and your DD. This is manufacture to justify him leaving. Do not give up or agree to anything until you have spoken to SHL.

Melonfool · 08/07/2015 21:22

He sounds really nasty, deranged and actually quite dangerous.

I'd keep away from him as much as you can. No need to contact him for a while.

Tarn2011 · 08/07/2015 21:44

He's never been that aggressive without drink...I don't feel that he's dangerous just more abusive with words... Ow I don't know maybe I'm just still trying to see the light. I don't want to portray myself as innocent I mean it takes two to make a relationship work ... But I don't deserve wat happened or to be accused of something I haven't done.
I'm just so confused by it all and it's taking its toll

OooMatron · 08/07/2015 22:23

Lucky escape

missqwerty · 08/07/2015 22:32

He's either git an ow and deflecting or has some sort of delusional disorder. Seriously Google delusional disorder. The fact he's adamant your Dad is in on it does make me wonder

Tarn2011 · 08/07/2015 23:16

He said that my dad's been drinking with him and he knows who it is,
I think I just can't accept that he's left me over a made up belief I know he knows me better and I feel so let down by that

Morganly · 08/07/2015 23:37

He is a bad bad person and/or mentally warped and you need to stop thinking that you are in any way at fault and put in place all the protection you need to keep him away from you and child.

Of course you are confused. Such extremely bizarre behaviour is not what most of ever come across so we have no idea how to deal with it and for a normal ordinary person who isn't perfect but is pretty normal and sane it is easy to get bamboozled into thinking we must be equally at fault. You're not.

Do you need to be having any conversations with him at all at the moment? I don't think you need to be listening to any of this crap about what he thinks, said to your dad etc etc do you? Can you just block his number on your phone?

WorkingBling · 09/07/2015 03:46

The fact that he only physically abuses you while drunk is not a positive. Ditto, expecting any kind of sec during an mc. Imagine your dd comes to you one day and tells you her partner hits her... But only when drunk. Would you really be ok with that?

You need this man gone. He has managed to convince you that certain things are ok and normal. But they aren't. RUN. Do not try to win him back.

Tarn2011 · 09/07/2015 08:17

That's the thing he's ignoring me totally , like he's dismissed me out of his for something I haven't done, I agree that he is abusive and I would hate my daughter to be as unhappy as we were most of the time in our relationship . But I'm just so scared of the future, him meeting some etc that ow around my daughter. Just cant get it in My head, that I'm now a single parent who will share our dd :(

ladymariner · 09/07/2015 08:25

He's guilty as fuck, and is projecting it on to you. A lie detector???? You are in pain and hurting, but trust me, it will not last forever and you will look back and be grateful you finally got this sorry, pathetic, violent excuse of a man out of your life.
I've never said this before but definitely LTB!!!

Nolim · 09/07/2015 09:48

Ltb. Now. Please.

molyholy · 09/07/2015 09:55

I agree with all the PP's saying he has cheated and projecting. He sounds like a horrible bully. The fact that your family are relieved he has left speaks volumes. Let him go..

Sweetsecret · 09/07/2015 09:56

I totally get the whole sharing the children thing being upsetting, I am going through a similar thing I am three months in, and it's bloody hard.
I have found my relationship with my DC'S has become closer, as it gave me a sort of wake up call that they are all I have now and I have been making sure our time is quality time if that makes sense?
It does get easier, it can be lonely at times just reach out to your friends and family as much as you can.
I am sorry this has happened to you, you don't deserve to have been treated this way at all. We all play our parts in relationships succeeding and failing but being accused and treated like this isn't fair and you shouldn't blame yourself for that.Thanks

Tarn2011 · 09/07/2015 11:37

Thank you everyone for your support honestly helped me a lot...
He wants to see dd tomorrow he hasn't specified how long or if over night but I just don't want her to go but I know she needs to see her dad.
Hope I get used to this ... ????

Morganly · 09/07/2015 11:49

Does she need to see him tomorrow? I'm not sure I'd want him to take her away from you at the moment. He sounds so deranged I'd be worried about him not bringing her back in order to make you panic. You can make proper arrangements once things have settled down a bit.

ST1212 · 09/07/2015 11:54

Well through all his faults he loves our dd and she loves him, I don't want to give him ammunition to use against me if I start saying I don't want her to go, he's going to Ibiza in two weeks (figures the split happened before his lads get away) so he's not gunna wanna see her then , he has his Australian friends coming over as well so that's probably two weeks where he's gunna be busy being a single lad... I just can't believe this is the life he wants after 7 years..
Feel like such a mug

ST1212 · 09/07/2015 19:18

He just called to arrange taking dd swimming tomorrow and I came off the phone a wreck, he speaks to me so matter of factly, how can he just forget and move on and make arrangements as if I'm a stranger he never knew.
I seriously cannot cope with this , I thought in was feeling stronger but he's shown me that I meant nothing

circleskirt · 09/07/2015 19:37

It becomes clearer with every post. Sad

ST1212 · 09/07/2015 20:15

Sorry what becomes clearer? I know I'm going on I'm sorry I'm just hurting so much

Nolim · 09/07/2015 20:22

It becomes clearer that he is an arse, it is over and you are better off without him.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 20:24

op, why do you keep name changing on your thread ?

ST1212 · 09/07/2015 20:27

Because I'm worried of being recognised that's all, thanks for your comments. Appreciate the advice.

DocHollywood · 09/07/2015 20:31

Just keep thinking about loving someone who could aggressively spit in your face. Surely that's impossible? Move on, think about a rosy future without this horrible man.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 21:07

recognised by whom ?

kittybiscuits · 09/07/2015 21:14

He knows he has massively fucked up and he's just gaslighting you by sticking to his ridiculous story because he knows he is a cunt with no redeeming features. His behaviour is designed to make you panic, doubt yourself and feel bewildered and confused. He's an expert abuser.

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