They're making him choose!!

[tornandhurt]

Ok so its been almost a year since I posted on here...I caught my husband cheating. A lot has happened since then, we worked hard and piecing our lives back together.

My relationship with my inlaws is non existent, to them I don't exist (for reasons that I wont go into and bore you with) - but I've accepted that I'm not part of their lives and have spent the last year, being civil, not interfering, allowing regular access to the children etc etc.....I've just sat in the background.

At the beginning of February I was hit out the blue with divorce papers, on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. My husband stood and lied to my face telling me he didn't instruct a divorce he simply went along for some advice, as we'd hit a rocky patch........this has gone back and forth for months, to the point that he was to return a revised petition a couple of weeks ago. In all of this I'd point out that he's continued to tell me he loves me, that this isn't what he wants and that he knows he needs to sort himself out.

So a couple of weeks ago we decided to work on things properly. We've been doing really well. I told him that I couldn't face the prospect of papers just arriving on my doorstep and that if he really wanted to proceed that was fine, but we needed to be adult about it and deal with things properly for the sake of the children. I also asked him not to play games as I was stressing that he was only being nice because it was our DS birthday at the weekend. He promised that wasn't the case.

So............still keeping up!........you can imagine the heartbreak all over again when last night when I asked what he was doing about the papers, as I had asked him to put things on hold, he informed me he returned them to his solicitor all signed and sealed.........the reason........I've finally got to the bottom of it...........his parents are making him choose between them and me. They're paying for the divorce and they're leading it!! - Aside from the obvious conversation that then happened (with me telling him how ridiculous that was at his age) I fail to understand how grown adults think thats the way to deal with things.

I'd point out this couple have 5 grandchildren, two of which are DDs of mine (technically not theirs) and they only now speak to my youngest DS.......They've cut my DDs out of their lives, and have cut their other two grandsons out........whats wrong with these people, and why is it so hard for DH to stand up and say "you know what, I'm not choosing, I love you both, I want to work on my marriage and still have a relationship with you as my parents separately" - am I asking too much?

As I understand it, he petitioned for divorce on the grounds of your unreasonable behaviour and agreed to revise his petition after it was sent to you by the Court.

Has your solicitor seen the unrevised document and has the Court been notified that you accept service of the original petition?

It seems to me that if you don't force the issue of him leaving the marital home, you may find yourself in the ludicrous position of being divorced yet still living together as man and wife.

No matter how "stupidly in love with him" you are, it is long overdue for you to prioritise your practical needs and those of your ds over your feelings for a lying cheat who doesn't return them.

Yes my Solicitor has both copies. The first one should literally have been turned on its head, every single reason he gave was actually the other way round, but after discussion with solicitor we agreed that in reality it made no real difference and I could always return the acknowledgement of service with the statement "I consent to the divorce but do not agree with the statements."

However, the revised petition that was actually submitted to the court had several additions, all of which were wholly untrue and 2 of which were so nasty I refused to sign to such horrid lies. The court was informed and as far as they are concerned it is on hold pending another revised petition from his solicitor.

Apparently he returned the papers to his solicitor Monday. She will provide me with a copy prior to reissue to the court.....I suppose we'll see if between them they've made any further "additions."

I think I just need to accept that he's deceitful and nasty beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Ugh, let him go. Why would you want such a manchild? Let him move back in with Mummy and Daddy, he's clearly desperate to.

yes, he can't tell you to your face so he is hiding behind other people

nothing pisses me off more than men who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and he is a prime candidate.

like you say, after dcs and marriage, you would hope he had the balls to tell you that he wanted it over and sit down and discuss it in an adult way. He's made it clear that he won't be doing this by his behaviour. YES it is HUGELY hurtful for you but it is also not your fault. Yes, you deserve better.

Treat the divorce now as a financial transaction as he has moved on to this stage and you need to catch up and get to that point too.

also, sadly, you can see how you are so used to him behaving this way that you were totally swept along by him being able to make it his parent's fault and not his own. Men who don't take responsibility for themselves are absolute past masters at getting those around them to fall into the same trap and letting them get away with blue murder! I shudder to think what he has been saying to them about you!

Oh I'm under no illusion it was probably something equally as horrible, which has just added to their dislike of me. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they were led to belief the affair was the other way round. I've thought about talking to them about it, but to be honest I'd rather keep what little dignity I have intact, afterall does it really matter what they think?!

yes keep your dignity

it is so tempting to go out and try and right the wrongs that have been said about you but you'll never know fully what they are and in the end, it just makes you look desperate. It's hard though, I know.

they must know what he is like (given he's their son). For all you know he could have been moaning about it for ages and they've said to him, well then fgs leave and divorce her etc.

poor you - what I can say, is that down the line I can imagine you will be so much happier without him/them, especially with their treatment of your dcs which is despicable no matter what has gone on

I think a conversation with his parents might be very enlightening...

But not to put wrongs right.

tornandhurt,
I am very sorry you are going through this.
However, I call BS on this stuff about "his parents making him do it" - how old is he ffs?
I suspect that there is more to this than meets the eye and I wouldn't be surprised if he's still seeing his AP, and she's pushing him to get a divorce.

Please take legal advice

Stop sleeping with him, doing his laundry and cooking him meals and tell him to get out.
Do not believe all this ILY crap, he's messing with your head.

So see a solicitor and do it soon, before you become pyschologically screwed into the ground.

You need this man like you need a broken leg.

Janette123 - thank you. I agree I think the "they're making me choose and I don't want to lose my parents" line either confirms he's weak and pathetic, or a lie, but its certainly not that he's seeing the person he had the affair with. I know her and her family and thats def not the case.

Whether there's someone else again, I'm pretty confident there isn't but I could be wrong I suppose.

Either way I know I need to crack on with it.

I think I just need to accept that he's deceitful and nasty beyond anything I could have ever imagined

What more does he have to do before you accept it?

With regard to your laissez-faire attitude to your inlaws, when it comes to them funding his divorce from you it does "really matter what they think" as his lies are further prejudicing them against you to the extent that your dc may be adversely affected.

As it seems that you've allowed your ils free access, I wouldn't be at all surprised if they haven't already been sworn to secrecy over certain things they may have heard or overheard while in their company and it may be revealing if you have the 'good secrets/bad secrets' talk with your dc in the very near future.

Although you appear to be unconcerned about any reputational damage your inlaws may be causing you, I suggest you get hopping mad at the thought that they've swallowed their ds's lies hook, line and sinker and appraise them in no uncertain terms of the fact that you could have divorced him for adultery when you discovered he was cheating on you and that ALL of the unreasonable behaviour which he has cited in his petition to divorce is that which he himself is guilty of.

I also suggest you point out to them - and to him - that, regardless of the fact that it will add a considerable sum to the costs of divorce, you can and will contest his untruths should it become apparent that they are being repeated to all and sundry and, further, that you send him back to his dps tonight with this message ringing in his ears,

C'mon honey... the time is long overdue for you to put on your big girl's pants and tell him that you've had it up to your eyeballs with his lies and he can take them and himself back to his mummy & daddy as of NOW.

Jeez, after what he's done I don't know how or why you're not only still listening to him, you're also still sharing a bed with him giving him house room. As his balls are yet to descend, he needs a mahoosive shock applied to the end of his adulterous dick but, given the extortionate cost of electricity, an immense kick up his duplicitous arse should prove to be just as effective.