And so it continues.....

[Lolliew]

I'm looking for some hand holding here guys, please be gentle.....

DH and I have had 'the talk' and he says that he feels numb and doesn't feel anything, he doesn't know if he wants to stay or go, he is worried about the effect on the kids, on me and on him. He claims that there is no one else.

He has said that I don't deserve the pain he is putting me through, that I deserve someone who will love me for who I am not the person I am trying to be in order to keep him happy (I've started running again after a few months away from it - no other changes).

He said last night that he would like another week to make the decision about if he stays or goes 'if I am ok with that'. I agreed (one of the kids away, another's birthday today, one due back from uni Friday ) makes sense to not rush the decision as it will effect us for the rest of our lives.

So why do I need my hand holding?
Well if I told him that I forgive his 'emotional affair' and that I am prepared to fix our marriage, move on and attempt to rebuild it into something better, why does he feel numb?
Has he already decided that he wants out and is trying to do it gently?
Am I missing something?

Man tears

You have made a good first step to reclaiming control of the situation. Hope you are not pandering to his needs and whims by doing his laundry, cooking and shopping etc. Remember he is the one who should be fighting to win you back.

Start making this all about you and your life - see friends, treat yourself to nice things and so on.

What a difference a day makes ..........

This afternoon he has asked if it is possible for him to stay, that he does love me, that he can't think what he possibly would gain from leaving as I mean the world to him. I have said he can stay in the spare bed for a few more nights while I think it over.

I have said that IF I decide he can stay that there cannot be any more of this ego trip stuff, yes it is amazing the weight loss and fitness levels and marathons etc, but none of it is bigger than him/us and it is time to move on with his life, fitter, healthier, more energetic and with a desire to do more with his life - just like I had asked him to when I suggested he came to a parkrun with me 18 months ago.

I don't feel relieved but it does feel as if I can breathe again.

I suspect this is because he senses something has shifted a little bit. It's impossible to tell whether this is a genuine realisation on his part or something known as hoovering. Time will tell. Either way I would not be too quick to decide and I would keep him in the spare room.

Sorry Op , my last post possibly sounded a little too direct which wasn't my intention. I'm concerned about his miraculous turnaround which occurred within a few hours. Do consider that he is simply testing. Previously you have been too quick to forgive and there hasn't been any real consequences. He has not valued your forgiveness and has used it to his advantage. I'd really want to see some remorse and some understanding of what he's done.

Fingers crossed he does it because he feels this about your relationship, rather than to buy himself more time until he's ready to decide properly.

Wishing you all the best

He probably will always need you to kick him up the arse and take control. Some men function best like that.

www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/

Standing up for yourself can take many forms and for starters booting him out of the marital bed might have made him pause for thought. So far he's been dictating the pace. With one DC back from uni today perhaps he wondered how it might look.

Small DCs are very demanding - not much time for your own wants and needs, it's a temporary thing but I feel some pathetic men feel they don't get enough attention. Act like another child to be pandered to.

He possibly saw a future largely responsibility free. You rearing the DCs, him doing the Disney dad every other week. This would also leave him free to form other love interests.

It should be made clear that if you separated he has an equal share of DC time.

How interesting that since you're not falling at his feet he suddenly thinks he does love you. What a selfish bastard.

He's taken the afternoon to spend with me, we have walked, talked and whilst not made any firm plans we have spoken a little of rebuilding our relationship and how we plan to do that.

He has made a list of all the little DIY jobs he wants to sort out, the little things he needs to do for himself, for me and the kids. This is a huge step forward to sorting them out as before he would pass then off and say he will sort them in xx amount of days/weeks when he has time.

Our children aren't small (13,15 and 20) but do have some very special needs that require careful planning and organisation and preparation, which to be fair he does do his fair share of, even if I have to remind him that he needs to do it sometimes ( I forget too so that's not an issue).

I have spoken to him to remind him that he is not one of my children but my partner and he needs to suck up and behave like one, I know his behaviour isn't normal for him it's the ego and the me me me attitude that has grown, I know I am partially to blame for the ego as I encouraged it a little - he however failed with the affair and that's not acceptable. I have explained all this to him and he accepts this.

I'm sorry Op I think he's really messing with you. Just a few hours ago he didn't think there was enough love and thought he wanted to leave. After just one night in the spare room he's fully back in your marriage and you mean the world to him. This doesn't sit well with me. Do you have evidence he had a counselling appointment ?

There's far more important things to address than a bit of diy. I would be worried he is wanting to get the house up to scratch for a sale .

The talk about rebuilding your marriage seems very positive , but I'm concerned that in his eyes , all he's had to do is cry and say sorry and all is forgiven again. What are his reasons for the sudden change of mind ?

Yes I have evidence of a councilling session, I know it seems a quick turn around (even in my eyes).

He knows I wouldn't sell the house regardless of him in my life (I own two thirds of it anyway - long back story).

I think he is genuinely depressed and has hit rock bottom this week and my little stand of defiance (best word I can think to fit but it's not right iykwim) has shocked him into seeing what will happen (thank you everyone for your supportive messages regarding this I would not have done it with out you).

I truly think that he is remorseful as his behaviour is very out of the ordinary for him, I just hope he is not playing with my feelings.

I have all my papers in order just in case I am wrong, he has no idea how to even pay a bill let alone access online accounts so I am not worried that he will empty them. This isn't his way of shirking responsibility but when he went self employed back in the mists of time, I took over the financial side of our business in order to allow him to continue to work without worrying over bills etc as he panics if we even came close to the red and doesn't sleep.

I think you are minimising - sorry. I get why, but he really is playing you. Don't be surprised if he changes his mind again. Which will prob coincide with the OW being free/available.