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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

And so it continues.....

64 replies

Lolliew · 08/07/2015 08:26

I'm looking for some hand holding here guys, please be gentle.....

DH and I have had 'the talk' and he says that he feels numb and doesn't feel anything, he doesn't know if he wants to stay or go, he is worried about the effect on the kids, on me and on him. He claims that there is no one else.

He has said that I don't deserve the pain he is putting me through, that I deserve someone who will love me for who I am not the person I am trying to be in order to keep him happy (I've started running again after a few months away from it - no other changes).

He said last night that he would like another week to make the decision about if he stays or goes 'if I am ok with that'. I agreed (one of the kids away, another's birthday today, one due back from uni Friday ) makes sense to not rush the decision as it will effect us for the rest of our lives.

So why do I need my hand holding?
Well if I told him that I forgive his 'emotional affair' and that I am prepared to fix our marriage, move on and attempt to rebuild it into something better, why does he feel numb?
Has he already decided that he wants out and is trying to do it gently?
Am I missing something?

OP posts:

DorisDazzler · 09/07/2015 01:52

I'd at least get him out of your bed and as painful as it is , I'd start preparing yourself for a separation.

kickassangel · 09/07/2015 02:17

He wants to see you do the pick me dance, to massage his ego. Then he'll start to think about staying, just to make sure you are really insecure and won't get angry that he's messed you around. Try telling him to go, I bet he'll suddenly find a reason why it's all your fault and be angry at you, even try to blame you for breaking up the family.

Original poster

Lolliew · 09/07/2015 07:34

After another sleepless/maybe an hour night, I'm up and feeling totally crap, he swore blind again that there is not another woman and at he is quite literally 'if he goes' leaving me for nothing. He says that he doesn't know if there is enough love to carry on.

I must admit that made me feel pretty bad, leaving me for nothing, as if I am not worth staying for, even if it is just to cook his meals and clean house and the occasionally sex.

I do think that he is a little depressed but he refused AD's from the gp as he has been on them in the past and he didn't like how they made him feel. He has a meeting with the mental health team on Friday to assess if he needs councilling/mental health support.

OP posts:

Weebirdie · 09/07/2015 07:47

Lollie, are you reading any of the replies?

Only1scoop · 09/07/2015 07:51

Stop empowering him by letting him continue with his 'decision making'

Help him out here and take that decision away from him.

The idiot won't know what's hit him.

Original poster

Lolliew · 09/07/2015 08:00

Of course I am reading the replies, I can read that I've been advised to chuck him out and move on and that he is playing for time etc.

It's not that easy and whilst this is as heartbreaking as it is, showing him the door is going to be even worse, I know that sounds pathetic and I am normally strong minded and make decisions far harder than this all the time.

OP posts:

textfan · 09/07/2015 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 09/07/2015 08:14

Wow, he really ticks the arsehole boxes.
Numb, refusing ADs, counselling at some point in the future, "it's not you it's me", delaying tactics etc.

Put him out in the road for a week right now.

NeitherHereOrThere · 09/07/2015 08:39

Your only chance of making this work is to make him feel LOSS. This is why telling him to pack his bags is your best option.

Doing the pick me dance is only feeding his ego, destroying your self esteem and increasing his contempt for you.

NickiFury · 09/07/2015 09:28

Your ONLY chance is to tell him to leave as bad as that sounds. Every day that you allow him to stay he is slowly disengaging from you. By letting him stay he is getting to do at his leisure so he his slowly but surely adapting to the idea of not being with his family. He will be filling his own head with justifications, watching you try to please him but always falling short because he doesn't really want you to. All that is happening now is that he is ending the relationship but nicely and gently at his own pace so that he feels just fine when the day comes to actually leave. Personally I could not allow that. I'm so sorry this has happened but I promise that what everyone is saying about taking control is the only way.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2015 09:34

Having posted yesterday I have now looked up your previous threads. I thought his respect and consideration for you was severely diminished now I see it's a pile of rubble. Please stand up to him. This is a crying shame.

circleskirt · 09/07/2015 09:42

I think that he knows exactly what he wants, but because he isn't a monster, guilt is holding him back.

NeitherHereOrThere · 09/07/2015 10:12

Its not guilt that's holding him back. His ego is far too inflated for that and his head will be full of self denials and justifications for his cheating.

I think its more likely to be him not wanting to look like the bad guy or that its a matter of timing - he's waiting until everything has been set up (i.e new place/money) before he can leave to be with OW (or even shag around).

TwoDrifters · 09/07/2015 10:38

I never understand on threads like these why it is so commonly advised for the husband to be told to leave. Surely then, he just goes & stays in a hotel & enjoys peace, quiet, doing his own thing, whilst the poor wife continues looking after the kids, cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry & school runs…

Why doesn't the wife ever get to check into a hotel for some peace, quiet & relaxation whilst the unfaithful partner picks up all the work around the home?

NickiFury · 09/07/2015 11:06

Personally I wouldn't want to leave my home and children because my husband was being a complete twat. Why should I? Not only that how many can afford extensive stays in a hotel? A few nights at best for me.

butterflygirl15 · 09/07/2015 11:16

By leaving they are being shown what they are missing. If they are going to the OW telling them to leave or them leaving of their own accord is really no odds is it - same outcome.

Original poster

Lolliew · 09/07/2015 11:34

I've been for a lovely walk with a RL friend and spoken to her about it this morning, I've not cried on her and she has offered her support regardless of what happens.
She has also said that I need to take control of the situation but understands about the youngests autism and how damaging it will be to him (birthday party this weekend and my DH is going paint balling with him and his mates and older brother). I know it just looks as if I'm wimping out by not showing him the door but it is because I am protecting my youngest that I haven't shown him the door. I would have no qualms if it wasn't for the party (i don't think - although I could be using that as an excuse to justify him staying, but I am all confused as to what I want).

I'm tired, weepy and just want it all to go away. I know that I don't have a very good support network in RL (I'm an only child (brother died aged 19) mum passed away, dad an arse and not a huge circle of friends) I'm just trying to make sense of it all and your replies are helpful, pointing me in directions that I haven't thought of, giving advise that I need even if I don't want it right now, voicing the things I'm not seeing in his behaviour as I'm just accepting it. Please continue to hold my hand as I make some very difficult decisions

OP posts:

circleskirt · 09/07/2015 11:45

Really feel for you Lollie you've had a tough time.

Weebirdie · 09/07/2015 12:02

Lollie, my youngest of 24 is severely autistic so I do understand your thinking but whilst you are dealing with your husbands nonsense it means you are not being the best mum to your son that you can be. Its a very sad fact and I know it is because it happened to me.

Also what you've said about being so alone in life. Its probably a very big part of why you are reluctant to do what really does have to be done. You'd rather hang on to the familiar as bad as it is.

I met my husband when I was 16 and Im now 57 - we've been apart now for 2 and a half years. I know how hard it is but I can honestly say me and my children are all far happier now and I can be the mum to my son that he deserves.

DorisDazzler · 09/07/2015 12:17

Nobody leaves a spouse for nothing. Symptoms of depression are common during or after an affair. So is saying they don't love you. Whatever it is that's going on he's not being truthful with you. The advice given in these circumstances is correct but it's the absolute opposite of what a spouse wants to do, and they feel they will get the results they don't want.

I don't think you've got anything to lose at this point. He currently has no where to go and little in the way of support. Cheaters only understand harsh consequences and it often takes harsh consequences to snap them out of their selfish fog. I know you don't want to do this but unfortunately that leaves you with no other options but to wait it out.

If this is what you want to do that's understandable , but at least take steps to prepare yourself emotionally and financially. You cannot afford to be left in the shitter . I suspect in the end , once he has finished navel gazing it will be you that doesn't want him. Listening to the things he says to you must be heartbreaking.

FredaMayor · 09/07/2015 12:29

OP, you are getting good advice here. I would just like to add that in my own experience fear of pain is worse that the pain itself when it finally comes. Trust your own ability to find the emotional resources you will need, and if I may say so, come round from the feeling that you should preserve your relationship for the sake of DC. IME with a SN child it was not so.

Original poster

Lolliew · 10/07/2015 08:11

Thank you all for the advice it is appreciated, last night I made him the spare room up, told him if he leaves that he can't come back at all, that I am tired of him making me feel like shite about his affair.

He's cried, keeps saying he is sorry and that he doesn't know what he wants but feels as if this is all too much for him to deal with, he has councilling this morning (first session).

It's a step in the right direction - not the thrown out and bugger off that I've been advised but this is right for me.

Please keep posting advice it is welcomed

OP posts:

kickassangel · 10/07/2015 12:54

Lollie, can I recommend that you start living your life how you want to live it. You don't need to throw him out but when planning what to do for the day, don't take him into consideration. Just suit what works for you and your kids,let him make the effort to fit in with any plans if he wants to. It can be amazingly liberating for you, show you what life is like when not caught up in his drama, and it can be interesting to see how he responds.

At weekends just make plans for whatever suits you. You don't have to be rude or hostile, but think how life would be if he wasn't around and act like that. Your marriage will only work if he respects you as an individual, so start acting like that. Hopefully you'll feel less dragged down by his drama and he'll stop seeing you just as some kind of hired help there as his emotional crutch.

Weebirdie · 10/07/2015 13:10

I really do believe putting him in the spare room temporarily is the most Lollie is going to do/can do.

DorisDazzler · 10/07/2015 13:41

Well done lollie. That's a really positive step. I agree with kickass about living your life how you want to. I think it's really important to try to disengage from him. He's chosen to engage himself in this teenage drama and the longer you indulge him the longer it will continue. I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt. If he wanted to move out he would. Instead he's wandering around moaning and being dramatic. Note his actions and ignore his words.

Lots of cheaters behave like this. There's nearly always a period of self indulged drama. Really the cheater should be bending over backwards to fix things but they often don't. Instead they sit around claiming they don't know how they feel and insinuating they might leave. I suspect that this stupid behaviour is an attempt at reassuring themselves they are still loved and they're still a prize to be won. I think it's also an attempt to keep the focus on him , because as it stands you haven't really had time to really think about what's happened. And he doesn't want you to.

I would try and refrain from bringing the subject up, or asking him if he's going to leave. . Every time you do he takes the opportunity to talk about himself and create more drama. It's all about him. The reality is that he can't afford to run two homes , he's got nowhere to go , and unless I'm mistaken absolutely no support. I don't think he's going anywhere.

How did you feel about him crying ?

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