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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn't normal, is it?

51 replies

blondie1976 · 06/07/2015 13:31

My H has been in a huff with me all weekend for reasons I wasn't sure off.

I didn't bother asking as his moods are very up and down so this can be regular, at least once a week, he goes in a mood then snaps out and expects everything to go back to normal.

Anyway last night he said to me he finds me to be very distant and not so lovey dovey etc with him. I tried to explain that the constant moods and silences really get me down to the point where once I would have gone out my way to appease him, now I just don't bother.

His mood turns out to be over me announcing a quiz night with work colleagues, then a friends surprise birthday party from work, he said I just put these 2 things on him?? He also brought up the fact I wouldn't lend him £1500 last year and felt this belittled him??

He is a everynight drinker (beer) and smokes hash every day/night, I reckon a lot of his swings come from the fact he can not cope with life without chemicals or alcohol! He categorically told me last night this is something he will not stop.

Im not sure how we can get around this? It is like he is blaming me for what I think he is the one causing the problems. Maybe I have become a bit distant he makes it quite hard to love him at times as he treats me like crap.

I have actually noticed a pattern of others posters on here having the same problem through drink and drugs and like most he can be a good H and father but this is usually when things are going his way and after hash.

OP posts:

Original poster

blondie1976 · 06/07/2015 15:28

I don't know why I have chosen this path and why I seem to believe it is acceptable.

I had a good upbringing with a lovely mum and dad. But over the years my self esteem an confidence have taken a battering, maybe that is something to do with the decision to stay this long.

OP posts:

sliceofsoup · 06/07/2015 15:36

I ask myself that too. My mum and dad have a beautiful marriage. My dad is a fantastic man, in fact sometimes I do wonder how he manages to put up with everything he does so im not sure what makes me think this is ok.

Can I ask, what is it that your dad has to put up with?

Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Skiptonlass · 06/07/2015 15:37

", or scared that I could end up with a lot worse."

Well it can always be worse, I hear Charlie manson's still single...

But seriously, yes there's always worse out there, but a bloke whod rather get high every night and can't go without for a holiday? Who sulks? Who drinks every night and gets stoned every night? Who expects you to loan him cash? Who is sort of ok sometimes? That's a pretty low bar. Could be a lot better. An awful lot better.

Get this sulky man child out of your life. Be single for a while. Concentrate on you and your dc. If you don't, your self esteem will go further down the loo and in a few years, it'll be your dc having zero ambition and having a few joints every night with daddy dearest.

You and dc are worth more than that.

Original poster

blondie1976 · 06/07/2015 15:46

Sliceofsoup ~

Can I ask, what is it that your dad has to put up with?

Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Nothing bad just the everyday struggles of living in an all female house lol!

I do have a good relationship with my parents, my mum has said to me I have so much more life to live and I should get out of this marriage and start again with a new life for me and DC.

OP posts:

Spog · 06/07/2015 15:49

divorce him.
he's a waste of space and skin and will pull you and your kids down with him.
this is a no brainer.
divorce is the only option here.

butterflygirl15 · 06/07/2015 16:06

so why is your self esteem so low and what can you do to increase it?

Original poster

blondie1976 · 06/07/2015 16:09

I think my self esteem is low perhaps through him. My whole adult life has been based around him, and him controlling things for me. I have forgotten maybe what I am capable of. I am existing not living.

I would love to know what to do, apart from the obvious one of getting out of the marriage.

OP posts:

butterflygirl15 · 06/07/2015 16:13

what do you mean by controlling? Do you need Women's Aid, the Freedom Programme? I guess he has ground you down over a long period of time.

Take your Mum's advice - sounds like she knows exactly what you need to do and will support you throughout. It will be the best decision you ever make - not just for you, but for your DC too.

sliceofsoup · 06/07/2015 18:16

I am glad you have your mums support OP.

I would love to know what to do, apart from the obvious one of getting out of the marriage.

If you mean what else you can do about the relationship except leave, well you could stay, and live as a shell of yourself for the rest of your life. When I was faced with that choice I found that a far scarier prospect than leaving.

If you mean what can you do with your life, well free from him the world is your oyster.

He has made it very clear that drugs and alcohol are more important to him than you. Listen to that. You deserve better.

Original poster

blondie1976 · 06/07/2015 21:40

By controlling I mean he likes to be in charge, he tells me he feel out with me for me planning these 2 nights out, I ask why? If he doesn't want me to go I wont, he then says he would never stop me doing something I want to do?? Doesn't make sense does it.

He was hacked of I wouldn't lend him money? He wasn't working at the time and I had already lent/given him a few thousand pounds.

Say he doesn't know how much longer he can live like this in out marriage but then bleats he cant live without us.

This time he has pushed me to far.

The last weekend of silence was a few weeks back as I was at a different night out, not to a pub just to a friends.

Am I socialising too much? Its that or sit with him stoned.

OP posts:

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 06/07/2015 23:34

No, you are not socialising too much. If anything you are socialising too little. You ARE going to do your 2 nights out aren't you? Or will his sulk stop you?

popalot · 07/07/2015 10:07

He's moody because he's a drug addict. The pot rules his world. You are now the 4th person this week I have read about who has a dopehead for a partner. It's bringing back all sorts of horrible memories.

Basically, you are living with a drug addict who has a cycle of needing it, getting it, rolling it, smoking it, knocking himself out, waking up, needing it......If you are anywhere near him when he isn't rolling up/smoking/sleeping you are going to be treated like shit. He might not always say it. You might not always see it or hear it. But basically he only wants the next joint. Where you fit in is somewhere far far below this need. You are probably the enabler, financially assisting his habit and giving him the image of a normal home life for everyone else to see that all is ok with him.

Up to you what you do about it. Choices are: ask him to stop. he probably won't and call you a prude/nag/stress head because you don't recognise that people who smoke it are chilled (that's the biggest joke going). Or leave. Or carry on as it is and put up with being second in line to his drug and his own life choice.

Joysmum · 07/07/2015 10:12

Yes it does make sense. He does not have to ask you not to go because he controls you so effectively he doesn't have to because his implied and very unreasonable and controlling behaviour means he doesn't have to.

What really shows how much damage he's done to you is that you even have to ask if going out only twice a month is too much. I hope you can see that

Original poster

blondie1976 · 07/07/2015 13:06

Sat here feeling very guilty about the going out thing. Im not going out night clubbing or anything. He is even having a moan that I go into work earlier than my start time to have a coffee and chat with my work colleagues!

Im sat here thinking maybe I have caused this in him.

OP posts:

DeladionInch · 07/07/2015 13:13

Would you be prepared to talk to someone like al-anon (is there an equivalent for narcotics?) About living with an addict?

You haven't caused this. He is a grown adult who has made his choices, and is inflicting them on you.

Original poster

blondie1976 · 11/07/2015 21:45

Its just hard to see him as an addict, but I know he is, he can not go even half a day without, he has admitted that himself. When people speak of addicts I imagine the usual description, which is completely wrong.

I tried to talk to him tonight. I am so unhappy and miserable when he is sulking and moody. He only seems to be loving and nice when on cannabis, so im actually in love with the high person, not him the way he actually is.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 11/07/2015 21:50

Please, re read my post 07/0715 10:12.

He's done such a number on you you can't see how wrong all this is

Original poster

blondie1976 · 11/07/2015 22:02

That's the thing that also worries me. Its like im lost, a small section of my head knows this is so wrong for the kids and me, then that person is out done by the screams of the other side that buries their head in the sand by thinking it could be a lot worse. Does that make sense.

I think my oldest (8) is suffering. She loves and dotes on him, but I think she is becoming anxious, sore bellies, feeling dizzy, are these excuses? They are quickly forgotten about, im not sure if it the situation. I have had her at docs and there is nothing they can find.

OP posts:

BrowersBlues · 11/07/2015 22:27

You really need help and you really need to get him out of your life. Children of addicts know full well what is going on. Your mum is dead right you have the chance of a nice life and you are sabotaging it for yourself by staying with him.

Please ring Al Anon and get advice about living with an addict. You should also ring Women's Aid to get advice on how to leave him. Perhaps you telling him to leave might wake him up and make him realise what he stands to lose.

You are in denial about your situation. Anyone reading your thread can see how badly things are going for you. I am not criticising you but if you can't see that going out twice in one month is completely normal then you need to get help. If you can't understand that living with an addict is going to impact on your and your DC you really are in a state of denial. Denial is very real and you need to do something to address it.

You do know it is wrong and just keep repeating that over and over until you start to believe it. Stop burying your head in the sand. It is bad and it is not good enough for you and your children.

thewinterqueen · 11/07/2015 22:33

You deserve a thousand times better!

maras2 · 11/07/2015 23:34

Get your kids away from this junkie.Your 8 year old is already suffering.

RubbishMantra · 12/07/2015 01:16

A physical symptom of anxiety is stomach pain. Your little girl is learning she must tiptoe on eggshells around her dad. We have a tendency to seek out relationships that are familiar to those we experienced as a child. Imagine what kind of relationships she'll form as an adult.

I'm not sure if anyone has recommended counselling (for yourself), that would be very useful for you to get things into perspective. You could have a look on the UKCP or BACP websites for a local counsellor.

Joysmum · 12/07/2015 01:24

Please go and speak to your doctor about your DD's symptoms and what's been happening. You could always take it written down as you'll find it hard to express yourself.

I'm not saying this for you to get pills or anything like that, just to be able to get some perspective in real life.

You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain from this, as has your DD.

Please, take action.

aeon456 · 12/07/2015 04:48

I fail to see how he can be a 'good father' if he takes drugs and drinks so regularly. He can't possibly be alert enough. You are putting your children at risk.

petalsandstars · 12/07/2015 06:10

Get your DD out of this situation ASAP. He has dragged you down - don't let him do the same for her future. Make a better one. Your parents will no doubt support you 100%

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