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Original poster

So, today I have taken my engagement ring off

52 replies

Azquilith · 06/07/2015 06:32

Because quite frankly, he doesn't deserve me. To his credit, he took it when I told him this, and I also told him he wasn't much of a father either.
He is a good man, kind, supportive, fun, hardworking and my best friend, but I cried and cried last night when I realised that if anything happened to me, he would be completely incapable of looking after our children.
He doesn't fight to see the two he's already got from previous relationships, he is catastrophic with money, and has asked me for a thousand pounds over the last week to bail out family members we've said no more to, or over spending on a night out when I took DS away to give him a break. He can't manage life admin, I do everything - bills, rent, estate agents, solicitors for the house we're trying to buy, childcare, birthdays, car, holidays. Whilst working 60 hours a week, travelling on average 500 miles a week. And I'm pregnant.
And on Saturday he picked DS and I up from the station when we came back with the car running on fumes because he only had £4 out of £250 from his night out left. He couldn't even get DS a drink, because he'd spent it all.
He is now distraught. Has asked me to take all his wages and give him pocket money each week so I can control what he spends, and told me to tell him what I need from him and whatever, he will do it.
But I want a partner, and not another child. I just can't be arsed.

OP posts:
gateauxauxfruits · 06/07/2015 10:29

Have you thought about checking your own eye for beams, rather than his for motes? You sound slightly self-important and rather controlling. You can't say people "don't deserve you" after letting them father your children and you can't be much good at managing those projects if you think texting is a good medium for telling him to move out.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/07/2015 10:43

I manage multimillion pound projects at work across three continents, managing him would not be difficult.

Yes but, he's not a project, is he? Bringing up a family, should be a project two adults manage together. The thing with children is that you are gradually teaching them life skills so that they will one day become independent. It's part of the joy as well as the duties of parenthood (I don't say motherhood; fathers should be just as involved in the process and the good ones are). But this one is grown up already and it seems is just not prepared to learn. He's more like an expensive pet than a life partner. Keep or rehome?

LovesPeace · 06/07/2015 10:46

Get rid, he won't change.
My ex was like this - feckless, lazy, liked all the fun things that came with a relationship, but didn't want to pull his weight.
Said all the right things but did fuck all.

I'm with a new man, now - he pulls his weight, and treats me respectfully. You could be too.

butterflygirl15 · 06/07/2015 10:47

he needed a blow out? Poor bloke huh? He really does see you as a mother figure.

Whose name is the house in?

Anniegetyourgun · 06/07/2015 10:49

Ach, stray commas there due to clumsy editing. You catch my drift anyway, I hope.

As for You can't say people "don't deserve you" after letting them father your children er yes, you bloody well can if they prove they don't deserve you. Also, although the timing is unfortunate, expecting a baby is quite a common time to take stock and work out that the future is going to be quite tricky with a small child, a baby and an unsupportive spendthrift. Hindsight's great and all that but "you knew what he was like" is no reason to spend the rest of your life with someone who is never going to be the sort of partner you want/need.

WhoNickedMyName · 06/07/2015 10:52

I got to the bit where you said he can't be arsed with the two kids he's got from previous relationships - two kids already with two different mums and he doesn't bother with them?

Get rid - and prepare yourself for life as a single mother with absolutely no help or involvement (financially or otherwise) from him.

Sounds like you do it all anyway, I can't see what he brings to the party - but nice try with the good, kind, supportive, fun, blah, blah, blah. I can understand why you'd want to convince yourself of this.

SylvaniansAtEase · 06/07/2015 11:18

Wow. 'He needed a blow out'? Why, because he has so much responsibility ands it's so stressful knowing the buck stops with him? Err...

That comment shows just how much you are sucked into this awful dynamic - even though you know the score and are totally switched on. You NEED to get out. Nothing will ever, ever change here, and the ultimate losers will be your children.

This man isn't kind, or nice. Useless, helpless people often give that impression as they seem so harmless, but - think about it. You have children. How would you feel about walking away and never seeing them? It would kill you, right? It's the worst thing you could imagine. And yet that's exactly what your 'kind, nice' partner has done. He has babies he never, ever sees and he's fine with that. That tells you everything, really. At the core, he's a rotter.

And he will be the same with yours. Why would he not? Does he have a different personality now? No. People don't change. And here he is, that same selfish, unkind person, ignoring your request, ignoring the needs of his young children, and spending all you have on HIM, his FUN, without a second thought for your DS. He can just damn well go thirsty, because in daddy world daddy is the only one who's important.

Your man is a piece of shit. You're clearly a better mother than to let him visit that on your children, so get shot. And don't even bother to look at the crocodile tears.

gateauxauxfruits · 06/07/2015 11:25

So decide whether they "deserve" you (if you have this bizarre view of yourself as a big fat prize with a cherry on top) before the child-fathering thing, perhaps?

butterflygirl15 · 06/07/2015 11:38

Gateaux - what an awful judgemental post. I am sure you know that many men don't show their true colours until after a child is conceived/born. I am sure the OP didn't choose to have a family with a man she thought was inadequate?

Nolim · 06/07/2015 12:18

Gateaux so a person cannot change her mind about a relationship and their own self worth after reproducing? And what is wrong on believing they deserve something better? Is self steem a crime now?

Anniegetyourgun · 06/07/2015 12:28

That's kind of a strange view, sperm as currency: pay it in the slot (as it were) and you get yourself a free wife for life. Confused

tipsytrifle · 06/07/2015 12:31

So now he's going to play nasty, hey? He's refused to move out. Whose name is the home in? It could be that since you have turned down his offer of you managing his entire life plus finances it begins to look like he might be a tad more attached to the materiality of this relationship than the heart and soul of it? Or am I being overly harsh. My apologies if so; you say you still love him and would like his continued family involvement. Not sure if that's going to work out at any level if he's going to stay put despite being asked to move out. Do you have a Plan B?

Original poster
Azquilith · 06/07/2015 12:37

gateaux, appreciate all points of view otherwise I wouldn't have posted. Unfortunately relationships do change over time. Being childless and renting and having fun doesn't require the same kind of responsibilities and he just doesn't seem to be able to cope with the pressure of having a family.
Absolutely everything valuable is in my name, house, car, sizeable wedge of savings from equity from a house sale he contributed to the mortgage for. He has always said that he didn't want to have access to the money because he couldn't be trusted. I have tried, over the years, to work as equal partners around this, got him a credit card, which he spent hundreds on over a weekend. Access to my account with similar outcome and so I had to remove both cards. Last weekend he took my card without me knowing and took money out to lend out - knowing full well I'd find out, and held his hands up when I did, but I just can't live like this any more.
It's like he has an actual problem with managing money, but I can't understand why an intelligent grown up can't look at what he's got and think 'you know, I need to feed my child out of that'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Azquilith · 06/07/2015 12:41

He is however, militant at supporting his other child. He pays over and above the CSA requirement, which is paltry in my opinion and supports additionally. He just avoids confrontation with the mother and so does not always fight for contact. When we met he had a lot of contact so this wasn't a red flag but the relationship deteriorated with the ex when he had a child with me.

OP posts:
spad · 06/07/2015 12:46

You are one day closer to being happy.

Do not take him back. Ever.

tipsytrifle · 06/07/2015 12:56

He actually stole from you when he had the chance! This goes way beyond being financially immature or irresponsible into something much deeper. It strays into financially dangerous/addictive mode and it could well be that as much as it's time for him to be shown the door on whatever terms you insist, it is also time for you to appreciate that he absolutely cannot be allowed anywhere near your money, a/c, online banking, other cards ... anything he can rip off.

So, if he continues to refuse to leave then it means that you're going to have to go down the legal force route. Change the locks behind him when he goes out next for a start?

I'm really thinking this is actually the cosmos speaking loud and clear to you about this man's nature. He is untrustworthy, brazen, entitled and an opportunistic thief of the highest order. He wouldn't hesitate to clean out your bank if he needed it on a whim.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 06/07/2015 13:17

Butterfly to be fair the OP didn't choose to have a family with him at all in the first instance because DS was 'an accident' (albeit a happy one)

Given that OP knew he already has two children by two other relationships, doesn't have contact with either of them and doesn't 'fight for' any either, I'd say it's fair to make judgements about that side of his character at least.

Lweji · 07/07/2015 07:10

If the house is in your name and you are not married, you should just have to give him enough warning to move out. A text is perfect because it's on record.
Check out the law on living couples. The last I checked as little as a week could be deemed enough. I suppose it depends on how easy it is for him to find somewhere to stay, but I wouldn't give more than a month.

Figster · 07/07/2015 07:15

How old is he op? Not that it should matter he's never going to become an equal partner for you he seems untrustworthy

Did he move out?

Only1scoop · 07/07/2015 07:18

I'd have been put off with how he treats his previous dc. Could be yours next.

He sounds pathetic and a liability I couldn't respect him.

Only1scoop · 07/07/2015 07:21

And let's face it it's not an engagement ring is it? No wedding planned and he can't even afford a bottle of water for his ds.

Only1scoop · 07/07/2015 07:25

Just also read that he took your cards Confused

Why are you still bailing out life's takers and Co?

What a turn off.

Original poster
Azquilith · 07/07/2015 20:33

He has gone. Let's see how it goes. As he said, he's starting from zero.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 07/07/2015 20:54

Have you checked that your cards are still in place and have you ensured he can't gain access to your bank account(s)?

Let's see if he can get up to 10 without any assistance whatsoeverfrom you. but I suspect he won't be gone for long and you'll return from work to find him on the sofa if you fail to change the locks to your house.

pocketsaviour · 07/07/2015 21:13

If he knows your PIN I strongly suggest you report to the bank that it's been compromised. (Obviously make sure you've got enough readies until the new one arrives.)

Well done on telling him to go. Please beware him coming back and showing "proof" he's changed. If he really wants to change, it'll be a long process. I wouldn't give him any quarter until he'd been living on his own for a year, budgeting for himself adequately and keeping his accommodation in a decent state.