DH smokes cannabis in front of our kids

[cosIsaidso]

My DH is a chronic cannabis user who will never quit. He has been 'skinning up' in front of our children all their lives, he openly smokes in front of them, he takes them to his dealer's house when he scores and he doesn't really have any friends who don't share his habit. Although I try to be liberal minded, I can't help but worry about the effect his behaviour is having on the kids. When we met I just thought it wouldn't be a problem because tbh I shared his habit, then when the kids came along I sort of ignored the issue cos it was easier. If I make an issue out of it, it will cause loads of arguments etc, but I know he won't stop. Any pearls of wisdom from any of you that might help?

It's illegal though! And you buy it from habitual criminals!!! Totally different to alcohol and cigarettes.

Why don't people think before having kids???

My children's father smokes cannabis and tobacco indoors, and also drinks excessively. It's the norm where we lived.

When our eldest was born I had quit smoking, no longer went out drinking on weekends, held down a decent job. I, maybe naively, expected him to do the same. He didn't. Unfortunately we can only control our own actions.

I feel for you op. I can imagine what your life is like, being slave to whether or not he has weed, hoping he has some left when he gets up in the morning so you don't have to tiptoe round him, giving up money for essentials so that he can buy some more just to avoid the black cloud around him when he has some. I remember it well.

The fact you are posting here is a first step. You are acknowledging that this situation is bad for your children. Please find the courage to leave. Life can be so much better, happier, more simple on your own. I wish you strength.

Fucking hell OP. Your OH takes his children to a fucking drug dealer? And yes, I am liberal, and I have smoked weed blah blah blah.

Jesus. He's not fit to be a parent. And neither are you if you continue to let it happen.

I don't want to cool down with the responses. It angers me that there are so many people who would make such fine parents who can't have them, or who have to jump through hoops in the adoption process for years and years, and woe betide them if there is a sniff of anything in their past, and yet someone lamely says "I know he won't stop" and "he smokes openly in front of them" and she ignores it because it's easier. For God's sake!

No smoking cannabis does not make you scum. Doing it in front of your own children and taking them to your dealer's house does though.

Bloody hell, I am pretty liberal, never touched cannabis myself by my oh did before I met him as did a lot of people I know but taking kids to a dealer's house makes a pretty shit parent.

Not a chance in hell would I let my kids live like that. He should not be smoking around them and certainly not taking his kids to a dealers.

I'm another who has smoked weed before and think the odd spliff away from children is ok, but skinning up in front of them and taking them to a drug dealers house is not acceptable. What if the dealer's house was raided while they were there?

If a social worker came to visit tomorrow would you be happy to tell them there are illegal drugs in the house and you know he takes them to the dealer?

he takes them to his dealer's house when he scores Why aren't you stopping him from taking them there? You do know, that most dealers don't just deal cannabis, right? I dread to think who else they're seeing when they're there...

No smoking cannabis does not make you scum. Doing it in front of your own children and taking them to your dealer's house does

Totally, 100% agree with you hester.

IFlyAway

Op cited that one of the reasons she cannot see herself leaving her drug addicted husband is that he would get unsupervised contact with the kids. The way to solve that is to make sure he only gets supervised contact. There is always an answer, if you look hard enough.

Op isn't looking very hard if she is still using the stash he gets from his dealer with the kids in tow.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Cannabis is so dangerous. It's not the mild drug it used to be. It causes schizophrenia and mental illness and it could trigger these in your DC if they inhale the smoke. I'm sorry if that sounds alarmist, but that stuff scares the life out of me.

he clearly doesn't value his children or have any shred of adult responsibility for them if he takes them to his dealer. I hate LTB threads but in this case I'd have one conversation only, explaining its them or weed and giving him 24 hours to choose. After that I'd pack his bags and drop them at his dealers.

Are you friggin kidding me. Ffs you need to wise up and get out. If you let this continue your kids deserve better than both of their parents.
How long is it before your kids mention daddy going to a man's house to buy his funny smelling cigarettes to their teacher or something similar.

One of the reasons I have not left him is that he would continue to use cannabis, the kids would spend time at his home and i wouldn't be around as a moderating influence.

Well this is a real concern in my experience. OP, do you have something to the equivalent of Family Court Counsellors in the UK - someone who you could speak with about the process of getting a custody/access order? Where I live it is possible to get drug testing on such orders. Can you afford a lawyer? I would get legal advice on how to proceed - what evidence you should be collecting now etc. Of course without a court order in place you do not have to allow visits at all....is he the type to take the kids from you or would he let you have them without a fight?

OP that is no way a good enough reason to stay with the man. You could bring them for visits and stay around while they're there. You could sort out legal supervised contact. he might even see sense and clean up. There are lots of options but truly it doesn't sound as if the best one is to raise your children with him in this state all the time. It is a terrible influence on them.

Just to clarify - I agree it is not a good enough reason to stay with him. I am just acknowledging that access is something to be considered and worked on as a priority beyond separating.

You should separate too - you know that already though don't you OP?

I've heard this story before, just wondering if you've posted about this previously OP? Same story slightly different wording, around a month ago...? But anyway, whether you have or not - your DH smokes in front of your DCs so they're inhaling all that PLUS takes them to his dealer's house?! Thats a shit example for a parent to set, he loves weed more than he loves you all. Im not "over-moral" about weed...Ive tried it before, a good few times but then left it alone, didnt feel it added anything to my life

I agree with others that when they start school they will stink of weed and if the teachers don't notice it (but they will...!) then other parents will notice it, and talk. & if he's smoking skunk weed you've had it, because in time to come he'll be off his head and talking crap anyway, and of no use to you all. Who is funding his habit? & will you mind if your DCs start smoking weed say in their early teens? Because lets face it, you won't have a leg to stand on re. warning them off it will you?

I left my exh due to his weed obsession...he was a bloody bore about it, as most weed smokers are. All about how it calmed him down, made him feel mellow, was soooo brilliant for his appetite as it gave him the munchies. & if he couldn't get a spliff he'd be climbing the walls...or go out at night to see his dealer. It felt as if our lives were ruled by weed. I bailed out..I just lost respect for him and that was that.

Asking posters for pearls of wisdom = asking for suggestions on how to approach him and make him stop when you know thats nigh on impossible. & I don't know if maybe you're looking for a justification for staying with him. Good luck if you do stay with him - you'll certainly need it

This is the 3rd time in a week I've heard about a dope-smoking partner and the problems they cause.

I am going to repeat: dope-smokers are not chilled out people. They are a total nightmare when they haven't got any weed, will go to any lengths to get it (taking children with them to the dealer when any sane person knows that is totally out of order) and often become small time dealers themselves, selling to friends to make a bit more cash to buy more weed.

The house stinks, their clothes stink, the cupboard where they keep it stinks, they skin up on the side in the kitchen and leave bits of skunk around that one day your kids might try.

They try and convince all and sundry that they are a chilled out person, that all pot smokers are, and that if you are not then you are a nag/stress head. They are only chilled when they are rolling/smoking a joint. The rest of the time they are either asleep or getting shitty because they want a joint.

All your time and resources will be used up looking after him and his habit. As you already know, your children come second and you come third. Why oh why oh why put him and his drug use above and beyond the children and yourself? Him and his dope smoking cronies might want to convince the world that they are chilled out deep people, but actually they are just addicts and whilst he's on it you and your children pay the financial and emotional price of living with him.

I'm being straight up with you because you need to hear the reality, rather than the dross your partner probably comes up with to excuse it. I totally understand being sucked into that world - been there done it. I wish someone had confirmed what I was thinking a the time, instead of listening to all the fuckwits without children telling me to 'chill out'. They weren't there when he kicked off.

Insightful post Pop.

My parents smoke a lot of weed and they are both outwardly very naice, middle class people who worked as senior lecturers at a RG university.

I do not think it did me any harm. My sister smoked with them when we were older but it was never my thing. I don't think weed is a particularly harmful drug.

My parents smoke a lot of weed and they are both outwardly very naice, middle class people who worked as senior lecturers at a RG university.

Not sure what the point is about being middle class and naice? There are middle class naice child abusers, middle class naice alcoholics, middle class naice drug addicts etc. Dysfunctional behaviour is not the preserve of the lower classes.

I do not think it did me any harm. My sister smoked with them when we were older but it was never my thing. I don't think weed is a particularly harmful drug.

I think this is the kind of thing people meant when they said growing up with it normalises it. My sister had the attitude that weed was a harmless bit of fun, far less damaging than alcohol and should be legal until she qualified and began work as a psychiatrist. She's now quite terrified of it. The problem being that really where alcohol is concerned a little bit of what you fancy can actually do you good, it's moderate-excessive consumption (commonplace) which damages you physically. With weed severe and debilitating mental illness can be triggered with just a very small amount and you can't tell in advance whether that will be you.

I smoked it once and ended up trying to kill myself by sitting in the middle of the road. I have never tried it again. She thought that was dramatic until she worked in psychiatry.

We have to accept that some folk do smoke weed, and they are all classes, not just your typical junkie in the street - I don't see a problem with smoking it, I think the law around it is stupid and yes alcohol causes far more problems and violence.

To smoke it in front of kids and take them to your dealer is a whole other ball game, are you actually expecting anyone to say they think that's all OK, you surely know it is not.

Oh and to answer above, there are very few people I have come across that drink moderately.

yeah, because alcohol is legal but regulated and licensing law is poorly enforced. It's against licensing law to serve someone who is visibly drunk for example but how often does that happen?

You can't realistically compare the two because weed is still illegal. Places where weed laws are being relaxed such as in the US where it is mostly permitted for medical consumption warn that anxiety and depression, psychosis and schizophrenia are known side effects but that effects are not fully known.

and just like with alcohol there are warnings that weed should not be used by people with mental ill health. However many of the people posting threads like this are posting specifically about their partners using it to 'cope' with 'stresses'. What makes that any different to people drinking to get through the day - apart from drinking to get through the day not being illegal?

Seems to work in places like Amsterdam and Portugal.

Drinking alcohol also has an effect on people who suffer from mental anxiety, I still think booze causes far more problems than weed.

My sister drinks like a fish and see nothing wrong with it, I am sure she bases that purely on it being legal and well, everyone does it right?

As for weed, she would go ballistic if she saw me with a spliff - it just makes me feel annoyed that folk are so ignorant, and no, I am not a regular smoker or drinker,I have self control.

My Dad was a junkie/dealer and I had an extremely unhappy childhood because of it. Fast forward 30 years and I found out that I was pregnant 6 months into a relationship with a man that smokes from sun up to sundown.

Thankfully it has all worked out for the best, he still smokes but the rules are:

Never in front of the baby, only outside the house/car etc
Weed can only be bought if we have extra money after food/bills/clothes
If you don't have weed and feel stressed, go stay at a friends house until you calm down, we are not here to suffer for your lifestyle choice
All dope smoking friends must respect these rules or get the hell out

There were a few tantrums and fights in the early days but now we are very happy and he smokes MUCH less than before and is happier for it. Some people can change, I also had issues with drugs/alcohol in my teens that I eventually grew out of. Set some ground rules and stick to them. Good luck op