Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DH smokes cannabis in front of our kids

78 replies

cosIsaidso · 06/07/2015 01:14

My DH is a chronic cannabis user who will never quit. He has been 'skinning up' in front of our children all their lives, he openly smokes in front of them, he takes them to his dealer's house when he scores and he doesn't really have any friends who don't share his habit. Although I try to be liberal minded, I can't help but worry about the effect his behaviour is having on the kids. When we met I just thought it wouldn't be a problem because tbh I shared his habit, then when the kids came along I sort of ignored the issue cos it was easier. If I make an issue out of it, it will cause loads of arguments etc, but I know he won't stop. Any pearls of wisdom from any of you that might help?

OP posts:

horseygeorgie · 06/07/2015 09:55

I'm hoping this is a wind up.

dinoswore · 06/07/2015 10:23

Cool down the responses please - the OP has posted asking for help. She doesn't need pushing away with posters judging her past decisions. This situation may seem abhorrent to an outsider but it is not uncommon and I can see how someone can be so accustomed to being around cannabis use that it just becomes normal. I have been in similar situations (before DC) and I have known other families where cannabis use around the DC was normal too.

To the OP - you say you know he won't ever stop. Presumably, you have stopped using cannabis now? (or do you do it when the DC are in bed? Do you still enjoy it or is it just habitual now? Do you feel guilty about it knowing that your DC are still relying on you to take care of them if they wake up? Sorry if I'm off the mark here.) It seems that you have grown up - moved onto the next stage of life and he is still stuck in a druggy version of teenagerdom. Plus, you and your partner have a fundamental difference in your parenting ethos. It also seems that you walk on eggshells around him as you daren't bring the issue up for discussion, and it's very likely he has little respect for your opinion anyway. None of these factors bode well for a healthy relationship.

How has his cannabis use affected other areas of his / your lives? Does he work? Do you go out and socialise together? Do you have to hide his drug use from your family? Do you find yourself turning down invitations because you know he will be stoned? After he has paid for his drugs, is there enough money left to live comfortably and take the DC on days out and occasional holidays? How does being stoned affect his mood, personality and motivation levels? Your sex life? My guess is that his drug use is affecting at least some if not all of these areas.

He is choosing his relationship with drugs (does he drink too by any chance?) over his relationship with you and over his responsibilities to his DC.

Your DC (and their mother) deserve far better than this.

littlejessie · 06/07/2015 10:29

My DD's birth father was also a chronic cannabis user. He chose drugs over her and I could not justify staying with him when I saw what kind of life she would have. Although I agonised over this and did my level best to make it easy for him to still be her dad, he hasn't seen her for well over a year now, and contact has always been sporadic at best.

I'm not sure why pp are disbelieving of the OP... There are loads of these arseholes out there.

lagirafe · 06/07/2015 10:30

Completely unacceptable IMO.
You need to do some very serious thinking.

Original poster

cosIsaidso · 06/07/2015 15:14

Dinoswore thanks for you considered response. DH is a 'functional' user; he can operate fairly normally. Yes he does work, but on his days off he will smoke from breakfast time, always outside, I am not exposing my children to smoke in their home. And, no he doesn't drink, which is the reason he gives for thinking he will never stop. The money side of things does bother me, he spends more on it than I do on alcohol, I drink within acceptable limits and can go for week or so without drink without it being a big deal. I stopped using as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first (accidental) and have only used very occasionally since, always when the kids are in bed. If it wasn't in the house I wouldn't bother. If he doesn't get cannabis he is moody, unreasonable etc etc. One of the reasons I have not left him is that he would continue to use cannabis, the kids would spend time at his home and i wouldn't be around as a moderating influence. So I feel very stuck.

OP posts:

butterflygirl15 · 06/07/2015 15:20

so leave him and ensure he only sees the DC at a contact centre. You are not stuck at all - you can easily resolve this. You just choose not to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2015 15:24

"One of the reasons I have not left him is that he would continue to use cannabis, the kids would spend time at his home and i wouldn't be around as a moderating influence".

The above is still no reason to stay with him and these children should not be used as glue to bind you and he together.

Do you honestly think he would be at all bothered about seeing his children upon you separating?. Would he even pay maintenance?. He is still a deadbeat dad and an appalling example of a role model to his children. He likely won't stay in contact with them long term and I would think he would only see them in a contact centre in any event. Do you really think he would fight to see his children; I argue that he would not (well only to state that he would do so to get back at you as punishment for leaving him) in the long run.

The smoke stays on his clothes and skin, they are being exposed to this and they can smell this on him.

pocketsaviour · 06/07/2015 15:26

One of the reasons I have not left him is that he would continue to use cannabis, the kids would spend time at his home and i wouldn't be around as a moderating influence. So I feel very stuck.

OP I don't mean to sound harsh, but if he's skinning up in front of the kids, smoking in front of them and taking them to the dealer with him - exactly how are you being a moderating influence?

I strongly suggest you contact a solicitor and CAB because if he's putting your DC at risk of harm (which he is) then you could ask for supervised access only, e.g. in a contact centre, or contact must take place at someone else's house, e.g. a grandparent (who I hope are not also chronic smokers...)

You cannot - cannot - continue to expose your kids to this lifestyle. Please. Get some help and get this useless fucker out of all of your lives.

morethanpotatoprints · 06/07/2015 15:30

Both me and dh have a smoke and no way would we do it in front of our children.
I'm sorry but you are just as much to blame as he is, poor children. No he wouldn't be seeing them without your moderation because surely you'd report this to ss and he would only have accompanied access.
I'm sorry to be harsh but you have no excuses for allowing your children to be apart of this as much as he has.
why do you let him take them to dealers houses, why haven't you reported him?

MadameJosephine · 06/07/2015 15:32

So he smokes in front of the kids but they are not exposed to the smoke? How does that work? I'm sorry but I think you know this is a problem and I think you know already how to solve it. You may not want to hear it but you need to remove your children from the situation until he can put their welfare first. You managed to give up so why can't he?

cestlavielife · 06/07/2015 15:43

if you leave the dc would live in one house some of the week where you can be a good role model and tell them what is right.

if you stay they live in one house all the time where they only get one type of role model - that cannabis is ok all the time. however moderating you are you telling them it's ok and right and you should put up with it. further that it's ok to use illegal drugs to stop being moody. when actually he could get help with that and help to come off his addiction.

Fairy13 · 06/07/2015 15:52

My dad has always smoked a lot. When they were younger my mum didn't care but now they are older she absolutely hates it. When I was 6 our house was raided as my dad was growing it.

I'm trying to give you a considered response because I actually don't have a huge issue with recreational use of cannabis but that it only if does not affect day to day life. My dad was, is an amazing father and grandfather and he looks after DS. That said, I would never allow it around my children, I would never, ever allow them to be taken to a dealers house and he shouldn't be looking after them if he's been smoking it.

I feel resentful of my dad that he couldn't limit his use so that it didn't have an effect on me. I don't care that he smokes it on his time.

What your DH is doing us total unacceptable and I don't think I'd be trusting him with my children.

blondie1976 · 06/07/2015 15:57

Fairy13 ~ Do you mind me asking from a childs point of view when did you realise it was drugs he was smoking and what was it like for you?

If you are not keen to answer that's ok, I understand.

saltnpepa · 06/07/2015 16:31

In what way are you currently protecting your children? There is your answer, you are as bad as him. Poor kids.

Fairy13 · 06/07/2015 17:05

I can't really remember. I remember realising that it was something 'bad' at maybe 11? i remember the house being raided but never knew why until I was an adult, my mum couldn't believe I remembered it.

He limits it to evenings, functions reasonably well during the day and like I say, looks after DS alone from time to time but he wouldn't have him overnight without my mum there as I know he thinks I'm a bit OTT and I'm not entirely convinced that he wouldn't have a cheeky joint (outside) once DS was in bed.
But then I wouldn't let someone look after DS that had had a drink either.

Howsithanging · 06/07/2015 17:07

Your children think this is normal life. I don't know how old they are but when they are in school they will become aware that other families do not live like this. They will learn about drugs and their effects and the law.

I am sure you know what it is like in a dealer's home. Judging by the clientele that visit my neighbour's house every 10 minutes, I wouldn't let my children anywhere near.

I think you have lost perspective on this too.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 17:15

well, op would do well to report her H to SS as a drug user and then push for any contact forthwith to be at a contact centre where drugs are strictly banned

but since she is a user herself, albeit less often than him but I assume using the same stash he scores from his dealer with the kids in tow, I am not sure if that one has legs

so, you are in a bit of a pickle, op

Iflyaway · 06/07/2015 17:57

Report her H to SS because he smokes cannabis?! Who in their right mind would do this....

I'm sure SS have more serious cases on their books anyway, what a load of hysteria. Especially as more and more countries and US states are decriminalising it....

I would storm up a riot about him exposing his kids to a dealer's house where a drug bust could take place while there. Apart from the fact it is highly inappropriate for a kids' outing.
In that way he is extremely selfish, putting his needs first while out with the kids.

As for smoking in the house with kids, ah, know loads of people who do this, (NOT where they are playing or somesuch!).

Most teens experiment with it whether their parents smoke it or not, it hasn't stopped the kids I know turning out just wonderfully! (DS early 20's). All well on track in life, studying, working, "work hard, party hard" , travelling, becoming famous creatives

Fairy13 · 06/07/2015 18:03

Smoking in the house with the children there - unacceptable, exposing them to second hand smoke, a parent under the influence of a mind altering substance. Total, absolute no no, never.

Taking them to dealers houses, shows poor judgement, inability to understand about how to keep children safe, puts them in the way of all manner of risks.

Recreational occasional smoking when not children not in care, (op or h) - totally fine as far as I'm concerned.

If OPs h cannot show that restraint and judgement, I don't think he should be having unrestricted access to the children until he can understand why those things present a risk.

Timetoask · 06/07/2015 18:09

Clearly your DH truly believes this is completely normal otherwise he wouldn't be exposing his kids, he'll probably offer them their first smoke at 11/12???
Not something I would want for my kids. Do they have friends over? Because I wouldn't allow my kids to house that openly used drugs like that.
Why don't people think before having kids???

Offred · 06/07/2015 18:14

How is it relevant what other countries are doing? In the U.S. Limited medical use through registered suppliers is not illegal. People are still getting in trouble for illegal use.

Here it is an illegal drug. I do not think that is an ok thing to do when you are a parent, when the kids are in bed or not and it's totally unacceptable to take kids to a drug dealer's house.

RebootYourEngine · 06/07/2015 18:24

I would report your H to SS. I have seen the affects of cannabis and it is just as dangerous as cocaine or speed or any other illegal drug. I cant believe that anyone thinks that it is fine to smoke it when kids are present. It doesnt matter if the kids are in bed. All illegal drug users are scum in my book.

RebootYourEngine · 06/07/2015 18:29

I would also say that the people who take those legal highs are scum too.

Fairy13 · 06/07/2015 18:30

If OP reports H to SS they will tell her that it is her reposinsibility to protect them, by leaving or insisting he stops or is supervised at all times. If she does neither of those things they may well investigate them as a family.
Obviously this is right, and I'm not condoning H's behaviour, he absolutely needs to stop or not be left unattended with the child.
But SS are not going to wade in an independently assess H when they are living with both mother and father and mother is not protecting by putting in the above safeguards.

Fairy13 · 06/07/2015 18:33

Smoking cannabis does not make you scum.
I'm assuming you feel that way about people who drink a glass of wine at weekends too? Smoke a cigarette?

Those things are just as (arguably more) dangerous.

People who smoke in front of their children, take them to dealers houses and are unable to understand the implications of exposing them to that lifestyle, maybe.

A person who recreationally smokes a joint when they have no responsibility for the children and it will impact on nobody else? Come on.

Flip

1 2 3 4