AIBU? And if I am...is it ok to occassionaly be?

[definitelymaybee]

I sort of know IAMU before I ask, but for some reason I feel really angry and wanted to get some opinions.

I was with my BF from May 2014 to December 2014. It was a bit of an unconventional relationship because when he met me, I was pretty broken up after my fiance was caught cheating and didn't want to go out with anyone. He was very persistent and said he just wnated to be friends, maybe take a walk sometimes and he became a really good friend to me. He was always there for me and after a few months we did become a couple.

I'll openly admit that while we got on great and were very close that I was just not ready for a relationship and he kids / to be together and make a life.

I made a decision in December to relocate because it was best for me to move back closer to my family as my wedding was now off and this meant leaving the new BF behind. He wanted to discuss coming with me but I didn't want him to give up his whole life for me.

So I moved in December and the first 3 months or so we carried on seeing each other, talking regularly, I visited, he visited and he remained my best friend. We were openly dating other people as we knew the distance meant it could not work long term. He did keep saying he wnated to marry me, and suggested again moving down and I told him it was best to wait a year to be 100% sure before he made such a big decision.

Anyway, very suddenly he met someone else, started dating her and witin 8 weeks if proposing to me, he's now in lovd with this other girl. He now never texts me, never calls, when I went back there last time he didn't even make an effort to see me or ask how I was and I just feel like I was meaningless to him which re-enforced how my fiance made me feel. It's like I was just forgotten suddenly.

I KNOW he said he wnated to marry me and move with me, but what I wnated was for him to be consistent and prove himself over time and he ended up forgetting me like I never existed.

I am not in love with him, I don't think I ever was TRULY in love with him but did care about him enormously and probably felt like he was my best friend in the world. All of a sudden he doesn't want to know me really at all, and when I questioned it he told me I got "more than most friends" and admits he thinsk this woman might be "the one" and finds nothing odd about the fact that he said the same to me a few weeks ago.

Pics today on FB of him with the new woman, walking on the beach with a love heart drawn in the sand with their initials. EIGHT weeks after he proposed to me?

AIMU to be really hurt and pissed off? It's not that I want him, I don't, or that I want him to want me...I'm not that childish...it's just that he's made me feel like everything between us was never real or true and that I was as easily replaced as a pair of socks.

I made a choice in December to relocate

Agree with that TheStoic and very good way to look at it.

Also by turn then probably totally fine for me to be upset / angry and cut off FB friendship as he's made his choice based on what's best for him / her little need for me to have it shoved in my face and best to move on and forget him?

I hope I haven't been too harsh op. I really don't want to be because I can tell you're hurting

Just trying to see the wood for the trees and explaining from the other side of the coin how he might feel.

Fwiw I told my ex I was happy being friends after we split up because I was so so desperate to have whatever little tiny crumb he threw my way. It took me far too long and far too many painful months to realise that we weren't really friends because I was wanting more. It was really hard to walk away. I gave it everything I had to try to make him want me again (apparently that was abusive and disrespectful according to some PP) but I couldn't make him love me again but I sure as hell tried.

Anyway, enough about me (I've made myself cry for myself at that time) I hope you can start moving forwards and maybe address the real issues ie your relationship with your ex-fiancé

Op he didn't "shove it in your face". He put it on fb. I'm sure it wasn't about you. He is swept up in his new relationship and probably (I'm afraid to say) never even gave you a thought when he pressed "post"

Also by turn then probably totally fine for me to be upset / angry and cut off FB friendship as he's made his choice based on what's best for him / her little need for me to have it shoved in my face and best to move on and forget him?

Absolutely. You do whatever you need to do. I wouldn't want to be watching it all play out on FB either. No need to hate him for it, but he has made his decision. Let him get on with it without you.

Tbah his wearing you down when you were so vulnerable precisely located the sort of person he is.

I really don't think he has much depth and probably put on a good show of exactly what you wanted - in order to get exactly what he wanted. Now he's gunning for this girl bcs what he wants is marriage and kids - and, tbf, anyone will do.

In sorry you've been so hurt

Bitoutofpractice...don't apologise...I appreciate being given the other side of the coin and I know I caused him a lot of pain on an ongoing basis and that he would have married me if I'd said yes. I know it has probably been incredibly hard for him and if she takes that away and makes him happy then I should be happy for him.

I suppose what I really want is my best friend back, and for him to not be in love with me anymore but for me to still have that, and I suppose it's unrealistic and possibly also selfish.

I realise he did not intentionally hurt me and probably the lesson learned is to not form dependencies and deep friendships with people if I know they want more because it'll end badly.

I enjoyed being a priority in his life...and I am not anymore and for him that's what he's decided was best. That is ok, but also....I've no intention of being polite about it or faking a friendship that;s obviously not there anymore.

Maybe it just hurt to have someone care about you to much and then stop, and maybe I am naive to have ever thought (as I did) that the bond and closeness was life long.

Still angry though. I do get his side (and hers) but I still feel shit!

Yes, that's the thing - i know, it still feels shit and I'm sorry you feel so sad and angry Wouldn't wish that on anyone

Lick your wounds and then concentrate on moving forward.

I suppose what I really want is my best friend back, and for him to not be in love with me anymore but for me to still have that, and I suppose it's unrealistic and possibly also selfish.

I'm afraid that is unrealistic. He never was your best friend. He was a man who was in love with you and who hoped that one day you would love him back and was prepared to settle for the label of "best friend" because he thought it gave him the best chance that one day you actually would love him back.

And yes, if you really thought you could have a lifelong best friend who spoke to you everyday and prioritised you above everyone else, who also wanted to marry you and have children with you, then that was indeed naive. And to be honest it's not really a best friend either. Most best friend's don't speak to each other daily or prioritise each other above anyone else - that's what partners do! You may have labelled this as "best friends" but in fact he was treating you like a partner - just withour reciprocation.

Thanks Bitout you gave very deep look into things.

personally? i think YABU

"pics today on FB of him with the new woman, walking on the beach with a love heart drawn in the sand with their initials. EIGHT weeks after he proposed to me?"

So you dont want him, and you dont want anyone else to have him? A love heart on the sand is not a marriage, saying she might be the one, well, yeah he thought you might be, but you werent...

He might be saying shes the one to you, to see your reaction

You dont want him as a partner, and maybe his new lady friend doesnt want him seeing you with his unresolved feelings

maybe its too hard for him to be friends

You have been split up for over 6 months, how long do you want him to sit shiva for? Let him go love....