AIBU? And if I am...is it ok to occassionaly be?

[definitelymaybee]

I sort of know IAMU before I ask, but for some reason I feel really angry and wanted to get some opinions.

I was with my BF from May 2014 to December 2014. It was a bit of an unconventional relationship because when he met me, I was pretty broken up after my fiance was caught cheating and didn't want to go out with anyone. He was very persistent and said he just wnated to be friends, maybe take a walk sometimes and he became a really good friend to me. He was always there for me and after a few months we did become a couple.

I'll openly admit that while we got on great and were very close that I was just not ready for a relationship and he kids / to be together and make a life.

I made a decision in December to relocate because it was best for me to move back closer to my family as my wedding was now off and this meant leaving the new BF behind. He wanted to discuss coming with me but I didn't want him to give up his whole life for me.

So I moved in December and the first 3 months or so we carried on seeing each other, talking regularly, I visited, he visited and he remained my best friend. We were openly dating other people as we knew the distance meant it could not work long term. He did keep saying he wnated to marry me, and suggested again moving down and I told him it was best to wait a year to be 100% sure before he made such a big decision.

Anyway, very suddenly he met someone else, started dating her and witin 8 weeks if proposing to me, he's now in lovd with this other girl. He now never texts me, never calls, when I went back there last time he didn't even make an effort to see me or ask how I was and I just feel like I was meaningless to him which re-enforced how my fiance made me feel. It's like I was just forgotten suddenly.

I KNOW he said he wnated to marry me and move with me, but what I wnated was for him to be consistent and prove himself over time and he ended up forgetting me like I never existed.

I am not in love with him, I don't think I ever was TRULY in love with him but did care about him enormously and probably felt like he was my best friend in the world. All of a sudden he doesn't want to know me really at all, and when I questioned it he told me I got "more than most friends" and admits he thinsk this woman might be "the one" and finds nothing odd about the fact that he said the same to me a few weeks ago.

Pics today on FB of him with the new woman, walking on the beach with a love heart drawn in the sand with their initials. EIGHT weeks after he proposed to me?

AIMU to be really hurt and pissed off? It's not that I want him, I don't, or that I want him to want me...I'm not that childish...it's just that he's made me feel like everything between us was never real or true and that I was as easily replaced as a pair of socks.

I made a choice in December to relocate

I wonder if he would have been as interested in you if you weren't vulnerable because of the breakdown of your relationship with your fiancée.

You were on the rebound, yes ?

It's hard for you as you ended up feeling bad at the end of your relationship as you did when things ended with your fiancé. However, as However remarked, you dodged a bullet there.

Part of the healing process is to see what a narrow or lucky escape you've had. No doubt you will have a wry smile in the future if you hear or see anything to do with his life.

Proposed to someone else 8 weeks after proposing to you ? Rather smacks of 'anyone of you women will do'. Why the rush to get married anyway ? I understand it happens but in this situation with him, as others have observed, frankly, it's a red flag.

And I suppose I just want to tell him to fuck off.

I don't want to be his facebook friend and act like it's fine. It's not fine. You can't propose to me on 25th April and ask to move to live with me, then by 6th July be so deeply in love with someone else you're posting it all over the internet.

It's just so...arseholish. It made me feel inter-changeable. He doesn't return my calls or texts, he didn't want to see me when I visited, he doesn't make an effort to see how I am and I just don't think it's how people should treat other people.

All made worse by the fact that this weekend I was up to visit would have been my wedding day had my wedding not been called off, and he knew that and did not even call or text to see if I was okay. And he's instead posting those photos, which is just so insensitive.

I am not sure if i weote it or someone misread but he hasn't proposed to the other woman. He has just posted photos of them with their initials and a love heart and it's all very public and he told me he thought sh might be "the one".

He didn't propose to me until a year after we were dating.

Just how cold is he ? To dump you like that. Almost as a punishment for not taking his bait ?

I wonder how much sweet talking etc his fiancée has had. I wonder if they will actually get married. Or with that be have to be done real quick before his mask slips.

I find his attitude of never mind what's bothering you, I want you to change the record and give your attention to me intriguing to say the least.

Ah ok, so he made a last ditch proposal effort to you and then moved on quickly and dumped you like a hot potato.

Meh, you only ever wanted his friendship and he never wanted to give that to you. Stop calling and texting him.

If he really had meant the proposal he'd not be drawing hearts in sand with someone else 8 weeks later. He's still a dick.

Sorry that he's made things worse, not better. You've got two things to grieve for now. Him and your ex-fiancé.

Men are good at compartmentalising things. Sorry to say this but he has moved on.

You've got a whole load of 'thanks for nothing' to do now.

The grief was for the loss of your future with your fiancé. Now that's been concentrated/compounded by his actions. Sorry.

Sorry not to validate you op. Clearly I'm in the minority. But I suspect that if he'd posted we might have different views

You've changed your story a bit now. You never mentioned crying for days before but hey ho

He tried to woo you, pulled out all the stops, you broke up with him but didn't give him a clean break but kept him hanging on a string because you thought "deep down " that there might be the glimmer of a chance in the future. Even though you've stated categorically that you could never love him Sorry but that's really unfair.

He's moved on. You need to do the same.

My guess is you're not over your fiancé (I'm sorry to hear you broke up.) and you're projecting your anger and hurt into this guy. But I'm sure he didn't pick this weekend to go public just to hurt you. I'm sorry to say it but it sounds like you didn't even enter his head (like I said I don't think he has acted well either)

I know it's hurt you but I think you need to chalk it up to experience and concentrate on truly getting over your fiancé. Because being heartbroken doesn't give you carte Blanche to treat the rebound guy badly

I mean all this kindly and hope you're ok

I would like to also add that maybe this new girl friend has told him that he has to be invested in her as she is not a fall back. If he can't commit to that, then she's not interested in pursuing the relationship. Maybe as she's willing to invest in him, he's spending more time and energy investing her. Its still a new relationship and they are in the honeymoon stage. Let him be.

I don't think he sounds very nice
I think the 'friendship' was fakery with the goal of wearing you down until you gave in to a relationship and when he found someone else to fill that role he had no further use for your 'friendship'
I think you need to work on your personal boundaries and not allow people to force intimacy on you that you are not comfortable with

I think that's really unfair on him Eric. It sounds like he never made any secret about what he wanted. He was open in saying that he wanted a relationship with the op and was trying to make her feel the same. It was her who was bring rather disingenuous about it.

You can't propose to me on 25th April and ask to move to live with me, then by 6th July be so deeply in love with someone else you're posting it all over the internet.

Well - yes you can actually. If the first person doesn't reciprocate and you meet someone else in between. Or one was just a crush. Or an infatuation.

There is a chance that this is him trying to show you that he has still got it, and trying to make you jealous - it could be real. Nobody knows.

Another one here who lived the same through and who is agree with Offred.

I tell myself this (when I end up being emotional): "if not you someone else will do." That's exactly what his actions all about.

You just have to accept what has happened.

And it's good you moved out.

Take care of yourself.

I don't know if "unreasonable" is the right word but on the whole I think the issues lie more with you than with him

You knew he wanted a future with you - wanted to relocate to be with you, wanted to marry you, etc. You strung him along even though you say you knew you didn't want a future with him. You say you hoped something might grow, but that is a really unfair position to put him. You also say you wanted him to grieve for you - that's just manipulative. You say you didn't string him along but if you continued to date him knowing that he wanted more than you, then yes you did string him along.

Yes he moved on quick. And yes that might indicate that his new relationship won't work out. But then again it might be that he met the love of his life and (after several months of being strung along by you) just knew this was different. Either way if it turns out that the new relationship doesn't work that's his problem to deal with.

You didn't want him - certainly not as anything more than a possible future safety net, but you want him to be devastated by this and grieve for you, and instead you are annoyed to find that he has (finally) accepted that you aren't going to give him the relationship he wants and has moved on. He's no longer making an effort to stay in contact with you or to see you though he hasn't actually been nasty or blocked you either - good for him! Sounds like a mature and reasonable response. You might not like seeing his facebook photos but given that you were seeing other people while you were still with him and while he was saying he wanted to marry you, it's fairly unreasonable to object to him posting photos with a new girlfriend. It's not "insensitive"; it;s just not about you.

If I proposed to someone who knocked me back I wouldn't stay friends with them. That doesn't make me a selfish knob, it makes me human. Who stays friends with someone they're in love with but doesn't love them back?

But inexperienced that's percisely what the OP did with this guy - she went out with him when he would "do" but never saw him as a long term relationship prospect.

Bitout I agree with you.

My situation was different (I felt the same as OP) after everything has happened.
I have asked a man 3 times to marry me (due to religion) and I told on the second date that I have to get married in case I would like to get physical.

When after third time he said he will never marry, I was completely worn out. It shouldn't be that tough. And I never in my life asked someone to marry.

After Ramadan (after his "never" statement) I offered him dates so I can rebuilt the softness I had towards him.
His question was strait are you going to have intimacy with me...
The answer was "no", not because I didn't want him. I was drawn to him like to no one else.
It was the hurt and his words blocked me emotionally.

Forget religion if he would be nice to me I would commit and deal with my family afterwords, he just was rude and I couldn't just take it anymore.

He only offered me relationship that what his offer was.

After my answer he found someone else and married her. And it happened within 4 - 6 weeks time...

When I found out, I thought my world was over...
No, I'm alive and better and stronger...

I did ask him why did he lie, his reply was "decide what do you want from relationship"

I dont feel pain anymore. And I invested myself a lot.

I only support OP in terms of a question: Why would you do/say that?

Thanks all.

I'd say just because I didn't feel he was "the one" (can you feel that just a few months after a broken engagement?) it didn't mean I didn't love and care for him because I did. I just felt it was far too quick for him to relocate after dating for seven months and deep down in my gut I felt that he wanted to change me. He seemed to not fully get who I was in a subtle way I can't really explain.

A lot of you are right. I do know the situation hurt him, but it did hurt me also. It was hard to want him around, to miss him but at the same time to say "no" to him moving to be with me. It felt like the wrong choice to make unless I was certain but it doesn't mean I didn't cry a lot and really wish he was around.

I know that in his mind he had to move on and it's right that he did, but the speed and method are what annoy me.

I think bitout was right that I am projecting, that's definitely true because this is re-enforcing another person who said they loved me and forgot it very quickly. I agree it's a lot about me.

I never asked him to come along, to be my friend, to date me or to do any of those things...he forced his way into my life and from day one was told he couldn't have what he wanted. I just wish he'd not come into it at all if he didn't intend to stay as a friend.

I'm sorry OP, but I think YABU.

By your own admission, you knew it wasn't going anywhere, and sounds like you kept him hanging on by a little thread of hope that you'd change your mind in the future.
It sounds like he was ready for love and you weren't, and when 7 months later, you still hadn't changed your mind about him, or reciprocated the feelings he had, he gave up on the idea and chose to move on.
How long was he meant to wait, to spare your feelings?

You didn't want him, and now somebody else does, you're annoyed because he's not 'there for you'

Perhaps hearing daily on the phone that he loved you and wanted to marry you, made you feel good massaged your ego and now you're upset that he's showing love to someone else, and your phone isn't ringing anymore?

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it doesn't sound nice. But it was a short-term rship, no DCs, you live miles apart, and have been apart for 7months. How long was he meant to wait?

Also, if as you say, he forced himself into my life then maybe try to see his new rship as a lucky escape

I didn't want him on the phone telling me he loved me. Just not to completely drop me.

We've both dated people in the last seven months and generally chatted it through, been open about it.

Maybe it's that simple that he has someone else and that makes me value-less and that's just how the world works

The fact that he has somebody else doesn't make you "value-less" at all.

I really think you have a skewed view of this "relationship" OP. You seem to hve no concept of how your actions might have affected him. He clearly thought you were "the one" for him. It must've been very painful and difficult for him to be your best friend and confidente after you broke up (I speak from bitter experience here!) if he had feelings for you.

Perhaps he's had to force himself to get out there again and make a break form you. I know that 5 months of trying to persuade my ex that I was the one, after he finished with me nearly killed me. It left my self esteem and ego in tatters. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. Like you, my ex kept saying "I'll always love you but I don't feel I should be with you again" and "maybe in the future I will feel different". I dated other people but it absolutley killed me. That bit of hope that he kept offering me nearly broke me in half and left me dangling on for far longer than was healthy. In the end I had to go NC because I knew I would never ever move on if I kept him in my life "as a friend". 4 months later I met a lovely lovely man who makes me very happy and safe. Maybe my ex thinks that that makes me shallow and fickle and heartless - not that I care what he thinks - and perhaps thats what it looks like from the outside.

But some people do remain friends with exes. It depends on, well, on a lot of things.

I tell you what's unreasonable: it's unreasonable to feel someone owes you a relationship because you've been nice to them even when they didn't ask you to! In ye olde romantic movies Our Hero wears the girl down with dogged pursuit until eventually she falls into his arms and it's all Happily Ever After etc etc. In IRL though it's not respectful to keep pushing yourself on someone who has made it very clear they are not ready for a relationship, and if there is no respect there should be no relationship. Frankly it's stalkerish and a bit creepy and IMO does not deserve to succeed.

It is kind of unreasonable in a way, but not at all unnatural, to feel pained when someone who has pursued you fanatically for a year despite your lukewarm response suddenly loses interest completely, when you might have thought they valued you as a person but it turns out only valued you as a "prospect". I think, OP, you had kind of an inkling that's how it was but were blindsided by the niceness. Your comment I felt that he wanted to change me suggests he was looking at you as Essence of Wifeness rather than as definitelymaybee the whole live woman. You would have had to fit into his template. Maybe we're both doing him a disservice but I can't help feeling there could have been control issues further down the line.

Bitoutofpractice, thanks for giving me what might be his perspective. you could well be right and I'll try and take that on board.

Annie, you've spoken a lot of truth there too. I suppose I feel like he didn't value me and for whatever reason that makes me angry and hurt.

I'm not expecting us to be friends for any other reason than this is what he said he wanted. When we split and I moved he said a lot of things. Like that we would always be there for each other, always be friends and that if he was with someone else I would still be an important part of his life. I didn't invent the idea in my head, it was what he told me to expect and while bitoutofpractice might have described things from his perspective I suppose I had come to need his friendship and perhaps that was selfish of me.

I don't actually regret deleting him on Facebook...if he doesn't want to talk to me what's the point of nosying his other life. Better to leave him to get on with it with someone who can obviously give him what he wants.

She looks nice. I do want him to be happy.

I can absolutely understand why you feel so hurt and upset.

However, in cutting off his relationship with you, he is doing the right thing by his new partner/girlfriend. In all honesty - if you were her, would you feel comfortable with him maintaining a relationship with you? Someone he wanted, mere months ago, to be his wife?

He is doing the right thing...just not for you. :-(