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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ive told him its over & said we should separate.

26 replies

headoverthere · 05/07/2015 23:13

So after much soul searching I told him its over & that I want time out of our marriage.
He has responded by ignoring me or short sharp answers to anything I say.
I asked if he had somewhere to go & suggested his parents to which he replied he wants a place of his own & can't wait to get it as soon as he has some money saved. He's also promply removed his wedding ring.
Part of me thinks I should really stick to my guns & go through with it this time. The other part of me is in panic thinking "what have I done"
I know things are shit & we can't seem to get things better but do I really want to separate? I'm so confused now ????

OP posts:
Offred · 05/07/2015 23:15

I think you do. Push through with it. Ask him to save while staying with his parents. Don't let him stay with you punishing you like this.

Lweji · 05/07/2015 23:17

Is this because you expected him to fight for you?

pocketsaviour · 05/07/2015 23:18

Part of me thinks I should really stick to my guns & go through with it this time.

So have you said this before and then not gone through with it?

What has changed in your marriage as a result of your previous conversations/ultimatums?

Original poster
headoverthere · 05/07/2015 23:24

Nothing has changed. We say we'll make more of an effort & never do. Its been like this for about a year now. Arguments always ending in the threat of seperation. I a asked him to leave before, he did one but came back after 5 days as our elderly dog became poorly.
It's not that I expect him to fight for me, but Perhaps to be a bit more open to a trial seperation rather than talk of csa, divorce papers & wedding ring removal straight away after we've been together 18 years.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/07/2015 23:30

It sounds like he is further ahead in the process than you are.
But taking off his ring could be an immediate reaction.

Have you ever considered couple counselling? Or maybe by yourself to work out where you are going?

What you think would happen if you had a trial separation? Would it change anything? Or would it simply not sound so final?

Offred · 05/07/2015 23:32

A year is a long time to live in a shit relationship with nothing getting better. It was enough to make me suicidal. I think you push on with the split. Nothing is changing, it doesn't matter how long you have been married, it's more important how long the marriage has been crap.

Original poster
headoverthere · 05/07/2015 23:38

He is a bit of a spoilt child & I think his reaction is to try & create a reaction from me. Which is why I think I should stick to it.
I thought a trial Sep may help us both to realise if we want to be together & start making an effort, rather than just living beside each other sharing a house & a child.
Tbh things have gone downhill steadily since DD was born.
There's no intimacy, kisses or cuddles, or even conversations, sometimes there's not even a hello when he gets in. We don't ever do anything just the 2 of us. If my DD is ever away for a few hours he spends that time on his computer.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 05/07/2015 23:43

No one here is the bad guy or someone further down the road than the other. It was a natural conclusion to a not so great relationship. You took the final step of ending it and he saw the writing on the wall.

Its just sadness all around.

Lweji · 05/07/2015 23:49

It might be possible for a couple to recover a good relationship, but both should really be on board and work to do it.
He doesn't particularly seem interested in doing that, so, yes, I think you should stick to it. Maybe possibly offering the possibility of actively trying to mend the relationship together, but don't accept him going back for anything but for you. Certainly not a dog.

Original poster
headoverthere · 06/07/2015 00:08

I just feel a bit like I'm being selfish as DD loves her daddy & I hate the thought of her having a split family.
But I hate more the impact our relationship has on her. She's 4 & told my parents one day Daddy shouts at Mammy all the time.
I think I knew then what I have to do. For whatever reason DH & I just can't seem to get our mariage back on track. Neither of us makes any effort & family days out are usually dampened by his unwillingness to attend/join in/have fun. Again my DD said to me the other day "we should be just came on our own"
He's said he was going to leave in front of her twice now & she got upset, first time very upset. However today when I spoke to her to say daddy might be "working away" & need to get a house of his own she just said "that's ok"
It's just a very sad end.

OP posts:
Alice1983 · 06/07/2015 00:20

You are loving him on the condition that he is a different person/behaves differently. That's weird. If you love your partner; this is unconditional; and do be independent. You and your daughter should have gone out on your own; she was right; but so what; let him stay at home. I don't see the big deal? What does he do on the computer? Why not try doing something with him that he likes doing?

Lweji · 06/07/2015 00:28

You are in the middle of it, and we can only possibly know what you tell us.
If you are unhappy, you certainly have every right to say so, and to leave to.
Perhaps both of you, and your DD, will have a better chance if you separate.
What are your parents' impression of your marriage?

Original poster
headoverthere · 06/07/2015 00:32

Sorry Alice1983 but I find your answer to be "weird" As a family you are supposed to do family things together, and the fact that he doesn't want to is the "big deal"
Whilst on his computer he spends his time on social media. That's what he enjoys doing. Or playing on his Xbox. Not exactly something we can do together or as a family.
To put it into context the last thing we done together that my DD said we should've done alone was go out for dinner. Not exactly something most people would find difficult/boring/annoying to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
headoverthere · 06/07/2015 00:34

Lweji my parents know things aren't great & I think they feel that eventually we will split up. His parents don't speak to me due to a long standing dispute over my DD & DH first child. They've never liked me, and the feelings mutual tbh.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/07/2015 06:57

How are you feeling today? I hope stronger. :)

hidingbehindsmile · 07/07/2015 07:58

Taking that initial step to end a relationship is so hard, I had to do this last week and had some of the same anxities. My focus when I have been feeling some of the panic is to think about the future and how much happier I will be in the long run. I have some great memories with my ex and will remember the better times however the relationship had run its course probably two years previously. I think you have already delayed your happiness long enough, stay strong.

Original poster
headoverthere · 07/07/2015 11:34

I feel like shit.
He's now saying he can't wait to get his own place & get away from me & that I've brougjtvthis all on myself. I feel gutted.
He's going to look at a flat tonight.
I'm close to asking him not to leave but I think I know if I do nothing will change & we'll just carry on as we are. I just really don't know if I want to split up or if I should just persevere because I'm not desperately unhappy, but not bursting with happiness the way things are either.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/07/2015 12:15

He is telling you he'd rather leave than do his best for the relationship.
Listen to him.

Don't ask him to stay, because he doesn't really want to. My guess is that he expects you to beg him to stay after all, though. Let's hope he does find a place to stay.

thegreysheep · 07/07/2015 12:22

He's putting on a "couldn't-care-less" front in the hope you'll cave in and beg him back - so then it'll all be on his terms. Instead of having an honest chat with you about how he feels. It seems ot have been on the cards for a long time, so stay strong and push on though it'll be hard at first. As hidingbehind out it "I think you have already delayed your happiness long enough, stay strong".

Sickoffrozen · 07/07/2015 12:41

Ask him not to leave and expect more of the same!

You know what you have to do, it's just having the guts to go through with it.

jennyperru · 07/07/2015 13:00

I agree with greysheep, he's playing games with you. It's all 'Who does she think she is? I'll show her' with the wedding ring and looking at flats (if he is, I'd be willing to bet the flat doesn't exist).

You're obviously very unhappy and with your daughter talking to her grandparents about how he treats you, I think you're doing the right thing.

Jan45 · 07/07/2015 14:11

Just keep remembering what your four year old said, that is enough to make you stick with it, put her first, don't be scared, she will thank you for it in the long run, that's awful her saying that.

Original poster
headoverthere · 07/07/2015 16:19

I'm just starting to think I'm going to regret it.
I doubt I'll meet anyone else as I never go anywhere to meet anyone & financially I am really going to struggle.
But him struting about saying he can't wait to leave makes me feel so defeated. Sad

OP posts:
Jan45 · 07/07/2015 16:27

Forget what he says, concentrate on that little, girl, you will manage, just like thousands of over parents.

You don't have to talk divorce, just get him to move out and have that space between you, you will be amazed at how clear your thinking then becomes.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2015 16:33

why don't you both stop playing games and think about what is best for your daughter ?

do either of you have any emotional energy left for her after you have been playing your respective parts in the game no one can win ?