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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is depressed, my parents don't believe in depression!!!

61 replies

lincolnshirelassy · 04/07/2015 15:10

Hi hoping for a bit of help dealing with this. DH has been suffering with depression/anxiety for quite some time and had CBT and therapy ending a few months ago. He seemed to be so much better. Last night though we were at a family wedding and he seems to have suffered a big relapse, he walked out of the wedding right at the end and did not come back to my parents house where we were staying. Obviously huge worry and us searching, calling, after a while he texted me to let me know he was fine and had walked home to our house ten miles away as he needed space. He has done this before, walking off and getting headspace is his way of coping. Obviously with him having gone backwards he is straight back to docs Monday and getting whatever help is needed. We have explained it to the children who are ok and I know he will get help and we'll get through it in time. The problem is my parents. They are angry with him as they don't 'believe' in depression, are firmly in the 'pull yourself together' camp and can't understand what DH is going through. So my mother has decided he must be having an affair instead. She sent DH a text saying they 'we think you were picked up from the wedding, but we have not told our suspicions about what is going on'. I am gobsmacked. For a start they didn't see him leave, I did. The wedding was on a farm in the middle of nowhere. And my husband simply isn't having an affair!!! I know my husband and know what he is going through. They are not trying to understand, are outraged at his behaviour and have invented an alternative scenario instead. How on earth do I attempt to handle this????

OP posts:

Jackw · 04/07/2015 23:20

I don't think anyone has behaved badly. Your H is ill. Your parents are concerned for you and that's a good thing. They don't understand but that doesn't make them the bad guys. I think the way to deal with this is to give them some easy to understand information about depression: some printouts from the internet or leaflets from the GP's.

My sympathies to you, stuck dealing with all this, supporting your H and the children and educating your parents. You might need to lean on them sometimes so don't fall out with them.

brokenhearted55a · 04/07/2015 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 04/07/2015 23:31

Even if your parents don't believe in depression they have no right to be accusing your DH of having affairs. Ridiculous! I'd just make sure they don't meet with your DH and just don't give them a chance to air their views. I don't see the point in talking about it with them. But really walking out of a wedding like this is never really acceptable. So if he couldn't cope with it he shouldn't have gone in the first place.

NameChange30 · 04/07/2015 23:32

OP I think your parents are dysfunctional and quite possibly abusive themselves. This is based on the fact that they TRIED TO FORCE YOU TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH AN ABUSIVE EX. (did everyone else miss that, or what?!) and based on this:
"They do tend to get rather over involved pocket. I tend not to talk to them about quite a few issues because they can be quite judgemental and overbearing and it makes things worse."

It sounds as if your husband is doing a good job of getting the support he needs and you're doing a good job of supporting him. Now you need to protect him (and yourself) from your toxic parents at all costs!

Read the book 'Toxic Parents'. Set some boundaries.

NameChange30 · 04/07/2015 23:35

I completely disagree with this Vivienne:
"But really walking out of a wedding like this is never really acceptable. So if he couldn't cope with it he shouldn't have gone in the first place."
No one can completely predict how they will feel and whether something will go wrong. I think it's perfectly reasonable to make the effort to go and then feel it's too much later on. He was wrong to leave without telling his partner, but presumably he's apologised for that. Her partners are completely out of order for getting so involved and being so unsupportive towards them both.

NameChange30 · 04/07/2015 23:36

Her parents (not "partners") argh!

NameChange30 · 04/07/2015 23:50

BTW. These people who "don't believe" in depression. It's not fucking Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy.

UncertainSmile · 05/07/2015 00:14

I understand all too well the selfishness of depression, but that never makes it ok.

ODFOD. How dare people be ill!

moreorlessss · 05/07/2015 00:20

I know what it feels like to be depressed :( I would highly recommend everybody learn how to meditate because ever since I have started I have never been happier. I have improved my life drastically. I have an overall sense of peace with myself and the world. My stress levels have gone to an all time low and It even helps me with my anxiety and panic attacks.

If you want to learn how to meditate I suggest you read this story.

anxiousreview.com/learnmeditation/

Meerka · 05/07/2015 07:22

I think that you need to tell them outright to stop with the affair nonsense outright.

That kind of thing is pretty damaging.

As for handling the depression with them, ancientbuchanan's approach is brilliant. But if it won't work with them, if they are too blinkered or steamroller, then I think that you have to keep repeating that it was depression, that it's something you've handled together as a family even though you hven't talked about it to them since they are unable to see that it's an illness. That this is annoying but not unfamiliar and you are getting through it.

Then draw the conversation to a complete close and refuse to engage any more. If you absolutely have to, simply go out of the house or leave. It's strong action, but them suggesting that he's having an affair needs nipping in the bud right now before it becomes unbearable.

seamistbythesea · 05/07/2015 07:38

I didn't beleive in depression, until I had it. Not read other replies but send them some medical journal articles!!

MrsSheldonCooper2311 · 05/07/2015 08:13

Wow, I have not RTFT but I think your parents need to realise MH issues are an actual illness. You could ask them if cancer sufferers can just 'pull themselves thogether' and cure themselves, because (it is a sad reality) too many times cancer and depression have exactly the same outcome.

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2015 08:21

They're upset? Really... They have no reason to be upset unless they are worried for your dh, which they are not.

You block your parents numbers on our dh's phone. ASAP! Listening to their crap isn't going to help him at all.

If they can't be supportive, they have to stay away, for now at least!

How badly behaved has DH been in the past that the DC aren't much bothered by him disappearing off all night into the wilderness without a word? I suspect he would be as worried as his mother allowed him to be..You can talk to your children & reassure them so they don't panic, even though inside you may be falling apart.

I panicked when dh didn't check in after travelling, I kept calm for the dcs until we heard from him. The dc weren't distraught, because I didn't share my worry with them.

It's quite possible that the op did this, and doesn't automatically point to the op's dh being 'badly behaved' at all.

firesidechat · 05/07/2015 08:52

UncertainSmile I can only assume that you missed my post on the previous page where I said that I had been depressed and understood a little of how it feels. You are selfish when you are depressed. It's not your "fault", but you do end up going around in circles thinking about nothing but your own self.

I was quite happy for a passing plane to fall on my house and put me out of my misery with no thought at all for my children and husband who would also die.

Now I know why they tell people to rtft.

Floundering · 05/07/2015 08:56

How are you all doing OP ? ( waves from south Lincs) :)

firesidechat · 05/07/2015 08:56

I would also have done what the husband did in this case. Being with lots of people when you are ill is unbearable, but it would have been better by far if he had just given the op a heads up before or immediately after he did so.

I don't suppose it would have stopped the ridiculous behaviour by the parents, but it would have been one less thing to deal with. It must all have been hell for the op.

Original poster

lincolnshirelassy · 05/07/2015 09:58

Hi all, have read all your posts, thanks. A few things stand out. I have called him out on his selfish behaviour very very strongly. He knows he behaved like a selfish twat and knows it cannot happen again. As others have said though, depression stops you thinking in a rational way. I would completely expect my parents to be angry at the behaviour that caused upset and disruption to the family- the walking off- but what has driven me so mad is rather than saying his behaviour is unacceptable but attempting to understand it they have found it more comfortable to invent an alternative scenario instead their heads which is both bizarre and inaccurate.

They are VERY into appearances. My mother is very 'not in our family' in a way that drives me to distraction. When the police were called on my abusive ex she actually went out of her way to tell the officers that ' we are not that sort of family.'!!!!! I suspect having a depressed son in law just doesn't fit into the respectable family picture she likes to uphold.

I haven't spoken to her since yesterday. She sent me a quick text asking if we were ok. I replied in general terms. She did not ask how DH was, and I was too mad to address her text to him.

As for the impact on DC'S, it's true that the children did not worry too much because I did not allow them to, I offered an explanation to the youngest that dad had gone to walk home as he was a little sad and couldn't call us as his phone had run down. My DD's are teenagers and understand a lot more. DH has spoken to them all, apologised unreservedly and explained. Oldest Dd, 14, who has had counselling herself and is very switched on told me I should talk to him and call him out on his behaviour but not be angry as depression makes people behave in uncharacteristically selfish ways. 14 yo far more switched on about mental health than my parents!!!

DH is quiet but ok today. Dr tomorrow to restart treatment.

OP posts:

ancientbuchanan · 05/07/2015 10:36

Lincoln, brilliant with the DCs. I have done exactly that with equivalents in our family. Age appropriate responses, keep calm etc.

On the not-in-our-family, which is what I get the whole time from ILs over a range of issues, that's why I suggested Churchill. If it can happen to him, it can happen to others. The CEO of Lloyds is another, Antonio something-double-barrelled.

I'm afraid non aggressive assertive repetition is what's necessary. Water on a stone.

" I'm afraid he is depressed. It's a chemical imbalance we are sorting out. Nothing more, nothing less."

If necessary, the other assertiveness technique,

" I can see your standpoint. But ( repeat as above). "

It's v difficult to argue with.

But you do need to follow through with famous depressives whom they will find sympathetic.

bruffin · 05/07/2015 10:45

Fireside.They are not in a state of mind to give someone a heads up, that is part of depression.

Op
My sympathies, have been in the same situation with dh, however thankfully our families were more understanding.

firesidechat · 05/07/2015 11:07

Well the op thought he should have told her, thought he was being selfish and called him on it, so I don't think I was totally unreasonable to say what I did.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for both the op and her husband. It is a terrible illness and I hope he gets the help he needs when he sees the doctor.

UncertainSmile · 05/07/2015 11:09

UncertainSmile I can only assume that you missed my post on the previous page where I said that I had been depressed and understood a little of how it feels. You are selfish when you are depressed. It's not your "fault", but you do end up going around in circles thinking about nothing but your own self.

I suppose then that diabetics are selfish when they are hypoglycaemic? That people with Dementia are selfish? That the elderly with confusion due to an UTI are selfish too? These all involve a mind imbalance too. I did RTFT; having had depression yourself does not give you a free pass to describe others who are unwell inaccurately as 'selfish'. Even in my darkest hours I only wanted something to happen to me, not anyone else.

firesidechat · 05/07/2015 11:18

I think you are taking what I said totally out of context and running with it Uncertain.

Depression can make you "selfish". I put it in inverted commas because it's not the usual kind of selfishness. It has a cause which is beyond your control and is due to an illness, not a character flaw. Many people who have suffered from it would say that it makes them "selfish" too.

My mother has diabetes, so no I don't think she is selfish. That's a very odd thing to say.

firesidechat · 05/07/2015 11:20

Oh and I don't think every depressed person acts "selfishly", just that some do, some of the time.

firesidechat · 05/07/2015 11:23

Others have also made far harsher comments on this thread and I don't get why you are directing all your anger at me.

UncertainSmile · 05/07/2015 11:23

Also from what you have posted RinkRash is may have been a very real possibility that something bad could have happened. I understand all too well the selfishness of depression, but that never makes it ok.

No inverted commas there.
Using the word 'selfish' causes great problems for those already feeling guilty and stigmatised by a horrible illness.

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