My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry

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I posted on here a while back asking the question "Would you cut your mother out of your life" because of a really hurtful thing she did to me which she refuses to apologise for. I think my position has always been that it would be the last resort - I think my question should really have read "would you risk your mother cutting you out of HER life?". Well I risked it and she has...

Sorry to go over old ground but she told me over a year ago that my SIL found it hard to be around my son who has special needs. I didn't confront my brother and SIL until recently because they are really unapproachable and part of me felt that I had to just live with it. It came out a few months ago in a bit of heated discussion with my brother about something else. I immediately apologised to my mum for the way I had delivered it to my brother but said I felt it did need to be addressed (I have to protect my son, he will pick up on people's feelings about him). My mum denied having said anything of the sort and she, my SIL and brother all called me a liar (SIL said some really nasty things) and said I had invented the whole conversation, and my mum got the rest of the family to gang up on me.

My mum has said very little to my face but has badmouthed me and manipulated behind the scenes including trying to get the one (older)brother who has stood by me against me against me, accusing me of splitting up the family, etc.

Me and my older brother sent her an email telling her that we don't like the way the family operates, the scapegoating, backstabbing, and manipulating that goes on. We also told her that we wanted her to acknolwedge how bad our childhood was (my stepdad was physically and emotionally abusive to us both for several years, my mum left us home alone when we were really small, etc). We told my mum that this has really affected our lives (Neither me or b have much inner confidence and I still have nightmares about the past. I am having counselling now).

My mum said nothing to me and b but showed my younger brother and sister the letter (even though we asked her not to and to talk to us about it instead)and my sister had a go at me, said my mum was really upset and had told her what had "really happened" and that we had made it all up, it wasn't that bad. I sent an email asking to be treated with more respect or be left alone. I heard nothing from any of them till now.

My mum recently started texting and contacting my older b, we are both certain she was doing her usual "divide and rule" bit, trying to get him on side so I am the one left out. He emailed her back a few days ago and said she must apologise to me for calling me a liar and take on board our concerns if she wants a relationship with either of us. I have to say, I never wanted to issue ultimatums, but could not live with the alternatives which would be to just not be myself or true to myself.

My mum has emailed him back and said it is too late, we have both hurt her to much and it is beyond redemption and that we need to sort our own lives out and leave her to get on with hers. She called me false because I had a close relationship with her and never said anything like this before. I accept that I did used to just say "the past is the past" and because I have always been too petrified of losing her to ever cross her, so have accepted blame, guilt, comments behind my back about me and DH, and have carried on being loving and compliant towards her till now. We did have a "close" relationship but on the basis that I agreed with everything she said.

I feel okay, actually. I suppose I have been slowly accepting this may be the outcome for months. But I can't quite believe that rather than discuss things, debate things, get things out into the open and (what is hardest for her - apologise)so we can move on to a new and better level in our dealings with her she is willing instead to lose two of her children. Just feel sad about that really...

Ok I have changed my name for this....

I've had to cut my alocoholic Mother out of my life- my childhood was appalling. Really bad and she has continued to do her utmost to make the rest of my life a misery. Physical and emotional abuse aside she once turned up at my workplace shouting abuse, and even tracked me down to the restaurant I was having lunch at with friends and announced to everyone there that 'I should have aborted her while I had the chance'

She has been a heavy drinker ever since I can remember-my Dad left her when I was 4 years old and although we saw him from time to time she made that as difficult as she possible could.

My Grandmother was my saving grace and the only reason I am still here today. Sadly she died 9 years ago and my Dad three weeks after her. I honestly feel as though I have been running on empty ever since.

I have struggled to maintain proper relationships my whole life-despite counselling which has been amazing, and finding a church which was great.

Perhaps the most devastating legacy from my childhood -besides the awful memories- is the fact I have never been able to move on to commit to a relationship meaning I am still completely on my own and at this point I'm sure many of you are asking why I am posting on a parenting board- well I found Mumsnet whilst doing some work research ( I work in Childcare) but am completely hooked on this site even though I feel like somewhat of a gatecrasher and rarely post for this reason.

I only wish I could have been as brave as all of you were a lot sooner-my life may well have turned out a lot differently but hey ho- I am still here I suppose!!

Just wanted to acknolwedge what Snowflake and Fox wrote (sorry you have had such a hard time) and ask how you are all doing since Christmas?

I have been feeling a bit low again, mainly I think because I didn't hear from some of my other relatives over Christmas so looks like my mum got to them. Have to keep reminding myself that this was my mum's choice as I have always been willing to talk about things but only if everyone faces the truth about what our family is really like, which they won't of course.

As for my mum's rejection of me it has only just occurred to me that this is part of her ongoing emotional blackmail - rather than talk to my brother and me about what has happened she has flounced off saying "It's over, YOU have hurt ME too much." As Meerkats said somewhere along the line, a typical toxic parent response to being faced with the truth is to turn it back on her and make herself the victim. Also the cold silent treatment is what she has done to me all my life when I have done something she doesn't like, which is another form of emotional blackmail which is not as direct and aggressive as some of your mums (Fox, Greensleevs, Snowflakes and Ally for instance) but a powerful form nonetheless (do what I want or I will abandon you is pretty scary whatever age you are when your mother says it).

I honestly don't miss her and am so glad my dc are not going to be exposed to the family games I grew up with. But I guess I'm just looking for a virtual hug and to be told it gets better.

Hugs Pages! It does get better! I spent nearly a whole day this holiday without thinking of my family once!!! Well I think it was actually up to lunchtime but its still progress. Broke contact entirely with family in August. So there you go. So long as there is NO contact...my dad acted as a conduit for my mother until I cut him out of my life as well. Each visit full of stress and anxiety. As soon as I broke that contact things slowly but surely have improved.

Snowflake, your not gatecrashing on this thread! Sorry to hear counselling has not helped relationships. Must be so hard to have had a mother like that. What a thing to say to you, let alone in a restaurant. Thing that struck me when I had a baby, your the same person after as you were before. Maybe more parental but unfortunately being a mum doesn't turn you into a angel overnight. Hmm sound like i'm being patronising to you, but mean it to all on thread...we cannot help the way our mothers are. We didn't make them bad, our behaviour was never bad enough as children to make them alcholic or abusive, they were that way before. An example, my SIL was having full blown, throwing herself on ground and hitting it tantrums when she was 18, at 19 she was pregnant. Her daughter is not a happy bunny. Its awful watching but nothing I can do but try and be around for her. Maybe that's something everyone is saying 'duh!' about but its only hit me this holiday... Anyway, glad your here Snowflake, and I guess its no surprise your working where you are now..

Fox...you poor bugger! Change phone number? Guess you thought of that one...worked for me.

Hugs to you all

xxxx

Thanks Ally, that helps.

I think it was just having a bit of a confrontation with my bf just over a week ago (mentioned on another thread) that made me feel a bit insecure. I started wondering why I am having so many trials in my relationships with people close to me. I guess it dragged up all the "am I just a horrible person?" feelings that I had as a child when I got bullied at school, then went home and got more from my stepdad and the cold shoulder from my mum. I think many of you on this thread can relate to the feeling of having no sanctuary and no-one on your side so turning it in on yourself. I have never self harmed but have been reduced at various points in my life to feeling very bad about myself.

Hope that doesn't sound too self pitying, I'm not really like that, I was just wondering if anyone else had found that when at your lowest you have gotten popped at from other directions?

Yeah, everyone closes in on you (like sharks it seems) and you feel there is no one in the world to be there for you. On my dads last visit i'd had a couple of incidents with dh and i don't know what i was more upset at. And I wouldn't of had a problem with dh IF I'd been given the correct social skills as a child. Instead of saying straight out what I thought I said nothing and turned on myself just thinking i was pathetic and would never be any good. Very traumatic time. Cried alot etc, that was back in july...

And you don't sound self pitying to me, just trying to find answers.

xxx

Thanks Ally, you describe what I have been feeling so well. It's good to know I am not alone. xxx

Although sorry to hear you had such a traumatic time last year. xx

Although sorry to hear you had such a traumatic time last year. xx

Although sorry to hear you had such a traumatic time last year. xx

Damn! Must stop doing that!

stop doing what?

stop doing what?

stop doing what?

;)))

Your not a horrible person, well you might be but your not on here ;) We all have bad sides but no more than anyone else in this world (apart from psychopaths possibly). I know I can be a bully. Did it once at school with a gang of mates for under a week, v ashamed. And at work we had a very annoying collegue who just would not do as he was told, let him do things his own way and he still fecked up. So in the end we just excluded him as management would not actually deal with issue instead kept telling me to train him, again. A chimp could have picked up what I was teaching and I refused to continue. He's not the first I've trained but definately the most stubbon. (sp). See I can be horrible. But can be very kind, caring friend, I have a number of friends who confide stuff like suicide attempts and breakups before the tell anyone else so there must be a good side too me to trust me like that. You don't show someone your vunrable (sp) side unless you trust them absolutely. Gee I feel good about myself now They always say there's someone in the world who loves you even if you don't know it (and its the dork in the next office with a bad case of acne). Or so it says on those sickly emails I get sent. Usually send an abusive message back to the mate who sent it...

xxx

Thanks Ally. You seem to have a good perspective on this, and ok so you have been a bully in the past but tell yourself "It's not you I don't like it's your behaviour" (!!)

And no I am not perfect but neither am I a psychopath! It is funny actually as I really do get on well with people, and I don't think I am all the negative things I feel when down - my mother and siblings are the only ones who have ever painted me in that light. The "bad" feelings are definitely resdiual ones from my childhood.

I think also it is when you are feeling disconnected from people that the dark thoughts creep up on you, so it goes to show how important it is for us all to be able to connect on here. Even finding one person who feels the same as you/has had the same experiences puts you back in touch with the outside world instead of internalising things like you seem to have done and I definitely did as a kid.

Well Happy New Year to you all .
Yes I know its abit late in the month for doing it, but I've not written since before Xmas, although I have lurked very quickly & read a few posts.

I just want to say PAGES how very very grateful I am to you for intruducing that book to me. I have read 5 chapters up to now & by gosh its very interested, eye opening reading. Its very addictive too, I just cant put it down.
It has made me realise so much about myself & explained alot as to why I am like I am.
I would advise anyone on here to buy this book & read it, its amazing!

I'm still feeling very positive at the moment too, & this has lasted some few weeks now, I am such a stronger person at the moment.
We are having financial problems at the moment, as DH is self employed & was off over Xmas so theerefore we havnt had a wage for over 3 wks. But I'm being the positive one & determined to not let it get me down to a level that I usually do, so therefore I'm keeping Dh positive too. Usually he is the strong one, but with him being that way made me rely on him so much & I depended on him to be strong which actually kept me weak IYSWIM.

Another good thing is I've packed up smoking-well we both have. It's only been a week, but I've got my head around it psycologically (sp) so I'm not finding half as difficult as I did last time (2 yrs ago).

I'm just really seeing light at the end of the tunnel for a change instead of being so negative about everything, I'm amazed at myself & feel really proud.

Pages I think this thread is very important about people connecting on here, I feel it has helped me no end, & I would like to thank everyone else who have contributed too.

I am still talking to alot of people at the moment who have suffered very similar circumstances to us all & still feel shocked at how common it is. I just keep telling these people about the "Toxic Parents" Book & how amazing it is. We can all relate to it & I feel at the moment that its the best therapy I have had. It helps so much if you cant talk about your own situations as you can read about other people who have been through the same or similar.

Unlike you foxinsocks I have been able to talk openly about my life to old & new friends, which as helped me in a way, but I still needed help in how to deal with it & there is a difference really.

snowflake Im glad you found this site & this thread. You are not gatecrashing at all, at the end of the day, this thread is perfect for you & if it helps then all the better. So sorry to here about your awful childhood, my heart goes out to you. So sorry you feel you cannot move on from it too. Keep posting on here, it really helps to talk to people who can relate to what you have been through. Good Luck

Hi, Musiclover, just wanted to say how happy I am to hear how positive you are feeling and what great changes you are making in your life. When I gave up smoking 10 years ago it was because I got to a point where I thought, how can I do something so destructive to myself and have respect for myself at the same time? - it was hard at first but I have never looked back. No wonder you are feeling so good about yourself and proud of yourself! You deserve to.

I am also really glad the "Toxic Parents book is helping". I too found it really resonated with me, on virtually every page. It made so much sense of my life and validated my feelings in a way no-one ever had before.

I guess I was hopng to hear some positive messages and am so pleased you are feeling good. That has cheered me up no end actually!

Ahh Pages, Im so glad my positivity has cheered you up, it made me when I read your post.

Hope things are going ok for you!

I actually have never ever been able to stay positive like this before, so I cant really put my finger on how I have done it.
Usually the slightest thing can bring me down & when I go down I really go down, & like you mentioned in one of your earlier posts that when you are low all other negative parts of your life flood back. Thats how I have always been. It made me feel more for my DH & how much he has had to cope with, with me. Sometimes I think he used to dread coming home from work, wondering what kind of mood I'd be in, merely because I'd had a bad day with the kids for example. We have always had a strong, loving relationship, but I never thought we could get any stronger-but we have.

I have a great husband & feel very lucky to have him. The book tells you how we fall into patterns with relationships by how our childhood has been, & that was me before I met him, so I still pinch myself sometimes & can't believe it, but keep telling myself I deserve it after all I've been through.
The book has also made me understand how I fell into depression & why. I think I have always been looking for answers & finally I'm finding them.

Last thursday I felt rather low, the bank had charged us £70 in 6 days for going overdrawn in our overdraft, then DH was rained off work, then to top it all he found out he had no work for this week.(He is self employed & doesn't get paid for being off). I felt overewelmed with anger & rang the bank raging etc & just burst into tears! Dh kept his distance from me which made me worse really. The following day I woke up feeling low & irritable & thought to myself "well so much for my positivity" I felt I was going to stay down & go down further, but that night me & DH had a really good talk about the situation (heated at times) & in the end we just held each other so tight & said we would get through it & how strong we are. The following day I woke up with my possitive feelings again & felt so good about myself that I was able to pick myself up, & it feels great.

I'm just so happy with the new me!
I'm not telling you all this to gloat though, I just want you all to know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for listening.

Musiclover, really pleased for you that you are managing to come back up from the downs in a way you never have before. It is great to hear - interesting why you might think it is "gloating"? Hmmm... a message from your family to you perhaps, whenever you had the audacity to try and be happy?

I really think it helps to have your feelings validated and once you start understanding why you are the way you are it is the first step to changing things for the better, so this is obviously what is happening to you.

I too am feeling a lot better for similar reasons, my counselling is ongoing and really helps. Also, just finished reading "emotional blackmail" by the same author and it has really helped me understand the way my mum operates and more importantly why I have always responded the way I have. I would throughly recommend it to Greensleeves and Sakura as it is even more relevant to their mothers' style of relating but I think we are all on this thread experiencing the lack of self-definition that stems from having had a parent who has used fear, obligation or guilt to control us.

Conversely, unlike some of you, I have always been a fairly positive person - maybe a bit too much of a Polyanna, trying to smooth things over and pretend it wasn't as bad as all that. I am now having to face up to the uncomfortable feelings of not being the one to "put everything right" and make everyone happy again, including my mother. Now my anger has died down the urge to do it creeps up from time to time but I know it is not for the right reasons, so I am having to look carefully at my motives. I know my mother hasn't and is unlikely to change so I would be throwing myself to the lions!

Keep positive, Musiclover, and all of you! I am going off to get a broom pole or whatever was recommended by Ally to stick up my jumper and keep the old backbone upright!

Pages, had to laugh at 'message from the family'. I never even thought of it like that. I just didnt want people to think I was rubbing salt in the wounds i.e if they were feeling down & there's me feeling so positive. But it did remind me of a comment my mum made a few years ago when myself & DH were struggling financialy again! She said "It does you good to struggle" !!!
Stupid Cow! I was brought up in a single parent household, my mum did nothing else but struggle! I had crap wages from leaving school & she took the majority of my money anyway, it wasn't until I met DH that I began to feel better off & although we struggle at times now I'm better off than I've ever been. So basically the majority of my life was a sruggle, so how will it do me good?

Glad you are feeling better too Pages, & your counselling is continuing to work for you. Its good to hear.

Got to admit whilst continuing to read the book the other night, I got to the chapter on 'The Ultimate Betrayal', It made me sob! Glad I was in bed on my own at that time. It really hit a nerve. I usually never put it down until the chapter is finished, but I had to. ALthough my sexual abuse was not incest, reading some of the stories was very distressing. I think thats how I coped with my abuse as a child, by thinking that there were far more worse cases out there, & by far there are horrendous cases arnt there? SICK infact!
When DH came to bed I told him I'd cried & he just gave me a big hug which I so needed. Bless! He said reading it before going to bed was probably not the right time to read it, but like I said Its the only time I get to read it, as I don't want the kids seeing the book really & wouldn't read it while they are around & couldn't anyway as you need uninterupted time to read it also.

When do you read Pages? Is there any other books you can recommend? Apart from the one you mentioned before that is. I've got another one to read when I have finsihed this one. My friend lent it to me, she read it in 2 days. It is a true story actually called 'Street Kid' JUDY WESTWATER. It was bought from Tesco. I read the 1st couple of pages from it & had tears in my eyes. But the lady who the story is about was born in Cheshire where I am from, so cant wait to start it.

So sorry for your upset but hope that particular chapter helps you, Musiclover, when you are able to carry on. There is an exercise at the end where you create your own fairy tale based on your experience - it looked like a good idea to me, even though I didn't suffer sexual abuse that chapter still resonated with me.

I read in bed too, before DH comes up! It has always been my "alone" place since I was a kid. Another good book I just read is "They f@@@ you up" by Oliver James.

Your DH sounds so utterly sweet and lovely, Musiclover. You have been blessed. (Mine is kind and totally on my side, but I don't talk too much about all this stuff because he gets angry on my behalf and I don't really need it).

Keep smiling. You have overcome the most horrendous odds and shown your spirit can't and won't be crushed. You should be so proud of yourself!!

Hi everyone

Thanks for the lovely messages.

Christmas and New year was hard-I mean, lets face it that's when everyone is with their families, so it kind of 'rubs it in' somewhat that i can't be with mine

I've been ill with a terrible cold and throat infection ( proper proper poorly, not being a wip-promise )the past few weeks so have been a bitfed up.

It' good to be back to work and be busy anyway....and I hope that everybody else is okay.

wimp not wip lol

Hi Snowflake, sorry to hear you have been unwell. I hope Christmas wasn't too lonely for you. You have been through such a dreadful time but we are all here to listen if you want to talk more. x

PS This is a thread about our mothers not our children, and you have one (albeit a toxic one) so you are just as much a part of this thread as the rest of us.

(Not that anyone would mind you commenting, had you been an immaculate conception!)