My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry

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I posted on here a while back asking the question "Would you cut your mother out of your life" because of a really hurtful thing she did to me which she refuses to apologise for. I think my position has always been that it would be the last resort - I think my question should really have read "would you risk your mother cutting you out of HER life?". Well I risked it and she has...

Sorry to go over old ground but she told me over a year ago that my SIL found it hard to be around my son who has special needs. I didn't confront my brother and SIL until recently because they are really unapproachable and part of me felt that I had to just live with it. It came out a few months ago in a bit of heated discussion with my brother about something else. I immediately apologised to my mum for the way I had delivered it to my brother but said I felt it did need to be addressed (I have to protect my son, he will pick up on people's feelings about him). My mum denied having said anything of the sort and she, my SIL and brother all called me a liar (SIL said some really nasty things) and said I had invented the whole conversation, and my mum got the rest of the family to gang up on me.

My mum has said very little to my face but has badmouthed me and manipulated behind the scenes including trying to get the one (older)brother who has stood by me against me against me, accusing me of splitting up the family, etc.

Me and my older brother sent her an email telling her that we don't like the way the family operates, the scapegoating, backstabbing, and manipulating that goes on. We also told her that we wanted her to acknolwedge how bad our childhood was (my stepdad was physically and emotionally abusive to us both for several years, my mum left us home alone when we were really small, etc). We told my mum that this has really affected our lives (Neither me or b have much inner confidence and I still have nightmares about the past. I am having counselling now).

My mum said nothing to me and b but showed my younger brother and sister the letter (even though we asked her not to and to talk to us about it instead)and my sister had a go at me, said my mum was really upset and had told her what had "really happened" and that we had made it all up, it wasn't that bad. I sent an email asking to be treated with more respect or be left alone. I heard nothing from any of them till now.

My mum recently started texting and contacting my older b, we are both certain she was doing her usual "divide and rule" bit, trying to get him on side so I am the one left out. He emailed her back a few days ago and said she must apologise to me for calling me a liar and take on board our concerns if she wants a relationship with either of us. I have to say, I never wanted to issue ultimatums, but could not live with the alternatives which would be to just not be myself or true to myself.

My mum has emailed him back and said it is too late, we have both hurt her to much and it is beyond redemption and that we need to sort our own lives out and leave her to get on with hers. She called me false because I had a close relationship with her and never said anything like this before. I accept that I did used to just say "the past is the past" and because I have always been too petrified of losing her to ever cross her, so have accepted blame, guilt, comments behind my back about me and DH, and have carried on being loving and compliant towards her till now. We did have a "close" relationship but on the basis that I agreed with everything she said.

I feel okay, actually. I suppose I have been slowly accepting this may be the outcome for months. But I can't quite believe that rather than discuss things, debate things, get things out into the open and (what is hardest for her - apologise)so we can move on to a new and better level in our dealings with her she is willing instead to lose two of her children. Just feel sad about that really...

This is a really good website for all of us on here they actually celebrate...yes I repeat! Celebrate breaking all contact from abusive families! Its american, naturally...takes a bit of getting used to, but really helpful to post on and to read. The website itself also has a lot of good stuff to read. And before you say 'my parents are not Borderline personality disorder'...they don't care! They accept anyone who has issues with family, siblings, partners, spouse, friends.

Hi Ally,
just reading through the letter you hope to send. My instincts are that you seem to be revealing such a lot of yourself through it. So in sense giving them more fuel for the fire.
Try not to mention personal things like the cat. You are just revealing more about you and your soul. For example, your mother might think "Aha! the cat"- another tool in the game to hurt Ally." (There was a family cat that I fed, and looked after and she died last year and it upset me because I couldnt see her because of them ) I also wouldnT write this: "I understand that your feeling XYZ" because to me this sounds like youre still kind of hoping for their approval or that you donT want them to get too angry at you.
If you could perhaps cut it down and make it a lot shorter, then that would be okay, I think.
xx

Thanks ally for the link to that website. I`m just reading through it now. Its really good.

True bout cat and the therapist bumf is that... in cold light of day, dh and I have discussed it all again and we are not willing to carry out our threat of legal action. Sooooo no writing to them...or it would be 'stop doing this or else we'll get really upset!!' Hmmm...don't think it would have an impact. Legal action is v scary and long process and not something I want to subject us too. So it just means accepting the goods and flogging them on (which is good as I need the money this month, wonder when the next delivery is )

How are things for you at mo?

Hi Ally,

Re your comment:-
"Legal action is v scary and long process and not something I want to subject us to".

Whilst I understand this sentiment you don't know what this would involve until you actually sat down with a Solicitor to discuss it. You don't have to go ahead with legal action even after that. You would not accept this behaviour from a friend so why are your parents any different in that regard?. They are not.

Your parents are never going to listen because they are both dysfunctional in the extreme; if they were in any way capable of rational thought and understanding they would have listened by now.

I certainly can't see your parents taking any notice of any letter written by yourselves; they would twist it to use it as ammo against you both. I would thus agree with Sakura's comments in their entireity.

I watched a programme yesterday whereby a girl in a toxic family saw her SIL (she married into this family) get abused and murdered by this girl's family. This lady also had feelings of shame (she was a part of this toxic family although she no longer regards herself as a family member) and guilt (she felt she could have done more to save SIL but she was controlled completely by her parents) but she was advised that those feelings were misplaced.

I would say your feelings of shame and guilt are also misplaced.

Sorry Ally, I didn't explain the rewind technique very well. The theory is that the actual "rewind" process moves the memory of the trauma that's being "rewound" from the primitive part of the brain where it's been stuck into the thinking part of the brain where it can be discussed/thought about without the person reliving the trauma every time they think about it. Apparently the technique was developed after it was discovered that Vietnam vets were still reliving their experiences in Vietnam twenty years after returning home and this technique and another similar one helped them "process" the memories of trauma and move on.

I think Sakura is right about not revealing too much of yourself in whatever you write. If your mother is anything like mine she will ?feed? on any information she can get about you and your DH and DD. After a childhood of not being allowed to have any privacy from my mother I?ve had to work hard at not divulging any personal information at all in my few communications with my mother in the last year as I know she latches onto any scrap of information and the more she knows about my life the more she wants to know and I don?t want to encourage her back across the boundaries I?ve now managed to set. You don?t need to give them any further explanations as it sounds like you?ve done all you can. This is your life and you have a right just to tell them plainly that you don?t want them in it. How they feel is their problem and you mustn?t make it yours.

I tend to agree with Attila about the legal side of things. IME people who are obsessive don?t let go unless really pushed into doing so by drastic action. The woman with whom my father had an affair has threatened him with blackmail, has sent regular letters to my mother for the past 18 months, and for a time after the affair was revealed last year we spotted her several times driving very slowly past the house in which I was living with DH and DS, presumably trying to see if my father was there. My point is the woman is obsessed with my father and anyone who knows him and it seems that nothing is going to get her to give up (we have moved {not because of her} and are ex-directory and have suppressed our electoral register record, so now feel safe from her). Early on it was suggested to my parents that they should get their solicitor to send her a letter along the lines of ?leave us alone or we will get a restraining order. Any future letters will be forwarded to our solicitor unopened? etc. but they won?t do it because they don?t want their friends to find out about the affair (this is a crazy reason as I know that the ex-mistress has told everyone so most of their friends know anyway). So it looks like they?re stuck with her forever. I would feel sorry for them if they weren?t such horrible people themselves. But the point is you are lovely, you have a lovely DS and DD and you should be able to concentrate on them and not have to deal with all this crap from people who have spent their lives failing and betraying you. Sorry, I'm sounding a bit strident about this and I know that when you're in the situation it's a big step to take, but I'm just so on your behalf.

Thank you for asking ally . things are not too bad at the moment for me. That American website brought back a lot though.
In many ways I`m trying to avoid a lot of emotional work by not reading anymore books. But I know its not going to go away.

I keep feeling very grateful that I live so far away that my mum canT mess things up for me here. If I lived in the UK, I <span class="italic">know</span> she would have been to my place by now and banged on the door until I answered or something, letting <span class="italic">all</span> the neighbours know what a selfish daughter I am or something. Or shed have called my in-laws to let them know what I was really like. Thoughts like these send chills down my spine.

I worry about my daughter a lot because I wonder how much of me has been damaged by the abuse. And I also feel that its a shame that the "good" and normal parts of me were squashed out by her (I look at my baby and feel certain that were born happy), and she caused me so much pain that a lot of bitterness, anger and resentment is whats left over as part of my personality. I know I wasnT born this way so I feel sad about the me that was lost along the way.

Hi Attila, I know I would not accept this from a friend...your posing challenging questions I need to think about. But thank you again for your post, always value your postings! Your very articulate and to the point.

Hi Bearsmom, it sounds complicated...! But interesting...if you don't mind let us know what its like...if it worked, how it felt...obviously in as little or much detail as you want.

Oh you had little privacy too? Me too, that's why I don't want her having a pic of my dd or details of my life at all from relatives. So I'm on lock down still.

Thank you for your anger...may I borrow it? Just feeling sad about it all now. They need to move on but they don't seem to be even attempting it...unless that nice memorial of me was it

Hi Sakura

Sounds like how I feel. How old is your dd now? Mine is 19 mths coming up. I feel very little, wonder how many of my fears, obcessions and quirks I will unknowingly pass onto my dd. Only thing I can do is constant vigilance. Continually evolving the way I parent and see what works for my dd. Going thro a rough patch at the moment but I'm working on it...I will get there in the end! Your mother sounds as if she is BPD...sorry to have stirred things up for you again

xxxxxxxxx

OMG, things have moved on again! I am really tired and need an early night so haven't read through properly or checked out the website Ally mentioned but as Arnie says (and apparently so do Ally's parents )"I'll be back".

Just wanted to say Ally, that I agree with Sakura, and think in your situation saying anything more than "please stop contacting me or I will be forced to go to the police" is going to be giving your mother what she wants. She is after a reaction, any reaction, from you (even though you are apparently supposed to be Resting in Peace[hmmm]). I think personally that you need to just firmly (as with a child having a tantrum - and I know all about that atm with ds2!) not respond, and just make sure that she knows that her behaviour is not acceptable. (Or "asseptable" - as DH says, imitating Supernanny )

Is the sledge anything to do with you? Can you be reasonably sure it came from her? I can tell you Ally (with good authority) that your mother's behaviour is starting to amount to harrassment - a criminal offence(if it is causing you harrassment, alarm or distress), and that all that's needed is for you to report it to the police for her to be given a warning. It wouldn't be a long drawn out process at all, and hopefully wouldn't go any further than a warning. Just keep a record/diary of events as you would need to make a statement.

I like the whole "seeing past traumas through adult lenses" idea, bearsmom, that's about where I am at atm too. Let me know if you get "Walking on Eggshells" Ally and what it's like. I totally understsand the need to switch off all of the self-help stuff though Sakura, have decided to read a novel tonight...

Yeah...sorry about that. I'll have a word with my mum

I'm choosing the not responding bit at the moment...dh and I just know that we don't want to go the high road and see coppers...its all a bit much effort tbh. I HATE confrontation and I know this is what they are trying to get. I just have real fears over it all because my dad got involved with police when he was beaten up a number of years ago and it all went a bit pear shaped...I don't want to bring back those bad memories. After all who wants police in their house? (Not that policepeople are not nice...just bad news!) imagine being sat with dd on knee and explaining about mother and father too them...it would be horrid. I'd rather put up with the toys arriving...at least I can flog them on.

I know I should be more strident and I'm letting them walk all over me. But I don't want to respond. I feel sad about it all and in a sick way I want their contact...

Oh god I'm still protecting them...there does need to be consequences to their actions or how will they learn what is and is not acceptable? Sod it, I'm off to bed. I'll speak to dh in morning but quite frankly I feel knots and butterflies in my stomach at thoughts of sending letter/contacting solicitor/police...know what I mean(harry)?

I suppose I feel responsible for their actions and I have provoked them as they would be perfectly normal if I remained in contact

Oh why can't they just bugger off!

bugger bugger bugger

bed now. with towels.

And I hope your well Pages just realised post a tad bit arsy!...at myself...!

Hi Ally

Re your comments I will answer each of them in turn as I see it:-

"I'm choosing the not responding bit at the moment...dh and I just know that we don't want to go the high road and see coppers...its all a bit much effort tbh.

So's having to put up with all the crap your parents are throwing at you frankly.

"I HATE confrontation and I know this is what they are trying to get.

No, they want a reaction from you directly.

"I just have real fears over it all because my dad got involved with police when he was beaten up a number of years ago and it all went a bit pear shaped...I don't want to bring back those bad memories. After all who wants police in their house? (Not that policepeople are not nice...just bad news!) imagine being sat with dd on knee and explaining about mother and father too them...it would be horrid. I'd rather put up with the toys arriving...at least I can flog them on".

The situation with your Dad is entirely different to what's happening now. I do know what you mean about the police visiting - I once had a Police Land Rover (big harlequin type one with its number on the roof) parked outside my house and I had to give a statement. I felt very self conscious but I'd done nothing wrong. The officer was visiting me because I had witnessed a road traffic accident and he was there to take a statement from me. I did feel very nervous about all this but he was at great pains to put me at ease.

The police would not necessarily come to your house. You could see a Solicitor and seek legal advice, police involvement could come later on.

How many more deliveries are you going to have, you can't control stuff arriving. What if your parents decide to start sending takeaway pizzas over?. They are harrassing you.

"I know I should be more strident"

YEP

"and I'm letting them walk all over me. But I don't want to respond. I feel sad about it all and in a sick way I want their contact... hmm"

You like many victims of toxic parents still seek their approval; a not unusual reaction at all. Don't respond personally to them, any contact from you they will avidly seize on and use against you. These people cannot and will not be reasoned with.

"Oh god I'm still protecting them...there does need to be consequences to their actions or how will they learn what is and is not acceptable?"

There's no guarantees here, they may never learn. But the one course of action you have not yet tried is the legal route.

"Sod it, I'm off to bed. I'll speak to dh in morning but quite frankly I feel knots and butterflies in my stomach at thoughts of sending letter/contacting solicitor/police...know what I mean(harry)?"

yes (see above)

"I suppose I feel responsible for their actions and I have provoked them as they would be perfectly normal if I remained in contact"

ALLY (to paraphrase Allo Allo here I will write this only once) - You are NOT (repeat times 1 million NOT) responsible for their actions. They are!!!!!. You are only responsible for your OWN actions.

Your very last paragraph you write is very sad as these thoughts are often spoken by victims of abuse. You have not provoked them, they did these things of their own volition.

They would be perfectly normal if I remained in contact - Not in a month of Sundays my friend. Their behaviour to date is a firm indicator.

your friend with hot towels

Attila

Thank you Attila for your extra long post and the hot towels of course x

Am now ruminating.

thanks again x

I personally think atm that simply not responding is okay. In doing this you are not giving them any reaction at all, and that may be the best approach for now, especially as you can't be certain the sledge was from them - only say this as I am not sure of the significance of the sledge - was it yours as a child?

But I would definitely keep a diary of events so that you can show that this does amount to harrassment if and when you get to the point of wanting to report them.

I understand the almost perverse wish to have them show they care by keeping on contacting you. Only you can decide if the delivery of "gifts" is causing you real distress and whether you really want it to stop. But you are absolutely not responsible for their behaviour, as Attila says. You know why you broke off contact and your reasons were sound.

Humour is also a great tonic, and if you can write it off as a bit of a joke (Oh, look what Santa's brought now, etc) they may get fed up of not getting a reaction, who knows -I may be wrong, but it seems if you can choose not to get upset and see it as a joke instead then that's not a bad approach IMO. But if it upsets you you need to do something about it. Only you know how you really feel about the contact.

I wasn't talking about the length of your post Ally, I really did have a novel that I wanted to read last night!!!

Good Evening All!

Gosh this thread really flies. Talking about novels have to say I did print some of this thread to digest it better (not literally) to read at my leisure. It's full of good advice, am trying to take some in. But be warned if you want to print I had to nip out for more paper, and the ink seems to be on it's way out too! 175 pages very sorry trees and earth.

Ally I totally understand where you're coming from, I too get recollections of convos and doings, and think too much of how stupid that sounded, or bugger why did I do that.

Constantly thinking what other people might think, most of the time though I know a lot of my worrying sometimes may have not have even registered with soandso.

Ally if it was me, I wouldn't respond to anything either, agree with ATM and Pages, good idea also about keeping a note of happenings, could be a useful thing to read back on entries, realising even more how ridiculous their doings are.

I too think if they could be like other GP's, or how I imagine parents could be. It's not going to happen for me, as I told them they don't exist. I know if contact was made (sounds like a star trek statement) nothing would have changed, all events and doings are always stored in their brains as ammunition for future use, I am not going to be their target practice anymore. Quoting Arnie 'Asta la vista!'(sp?)

A thought came to me today, will I still be in this torrent of turmoil when I'm 68 (hoping I at least get this far )I've had 34yrs of it now, can I imagine sitting with my GC (you never know) still feeling rubbish about my parents? The turmoil has to end sometime, doesn't it?

"have spent the last 10 years having conversations with her where she says "I know you think I am a bad mother" and me responding with "no you are a good mum, the past is the past" and coming up with examples of how she is a good mother to make her feel better. "

Freaky...it sounds like you're talking about my mother!

Hi Doone, can you tell us more?

Dotty, in my experience the turmoil really does start to go away but it has taken more than eight months of therapy for me and a lot of self-analysis over the years to feel the way I do now. I was just looking back and realised that this thread has been going nearly a year and I am in SUCH a different place emotionally. I no longer feel any guilt about my mother nor do I feel responsible for the way she feels, but I think it really did take some time for it to sink in exactly how mad and glued to her victim role she really is and how much she had conditioned ME to feel bad for the entire family when anything went wrong, and then to try and break free from that.

I also wanted to respond to the feelings of "abnormality" that several people have mentioned feeling, ie feeling shame about things you have said or done, feeling as if you are different from everyone else, that everyone else is "normal" and that you have a dirty family secret and that you are damaged goods in some way. I have felt this all my life, despite being pretty sociable and having made friends fairly easily (especially in my adult life).

Well, I read in "Trapped in the Mirror" that many many people feel this way and the people you think are "normal" are not necessarily (what is "normal" anyway?) and if you think about it, the fact that so many people have felt affinity with the subject of this thread is testament to the fact that we are not alone (and therefore not "abnormal") in having had the kind of background we have had. There are many many millions of people in the world who have had similar experiences to us. Maybe we are even the "normal" ones and the ones who have had fantastic, unremarkable upbringings are the ones who are "abnormal". How about that for a thought?

There is a book I am going to get called "Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a painful Childhood" (Muller)

Instead of focusing on our "brokenness" we should try and focus instead on how bloody amazing, resilient and, yes, special, we are to have overcome the trauma of our past to ANY degree at all. We have all evolved out of the legacy of our pasts precisely because we ask questions, and because we care about our children.

One thing that has struck me about many of you on this thread is what a good sense of humour you have and how humble and yet determined and full of character people come across. I have absolutely no doubt that you are truly lovely mums to your DDs, Sakura and Ally - they will have such rounded personalities and will learn so much from you.

PS Didn't think your post arsy at all Ally. It's interesting how often on this thread we have worried (unnecessarily) in case we have upset each other. One of the "symptoms" of being a child with a parent with BPD, being hypervigilant about others' feelings.

Funny thing is, I have now realised how many relationships I have had in my life that have echoed mine with my mother, ie where I have been made to feel bad about something I said or did fairly frequently. One of the "friends" who failed to understand when this whole thing kicked off a year ago (she more or less told me my mum had had a hard life and I should have more sympathy for her, she didn't mean to call me a liar, just got it wrong etc) was in fact one of my earliest friends in primary school. I joined a new school after my mum met my stepdad and we moved to a new area and this girl made a beeline for me (she didn't appear to have any friends in our class) and we became inseparable. Only thing is, she wouldn't let me play with anyone else, and wrote me "love" notes - very strange now I think of it, she would fall out with me (cold silence - familiar?) if I talked to another child and struck up a friendship with anyone else, and that actually went on all through primary and both secondary school, with her either abandoning me and punishing me for having other friends or smothering me with love and affection and not letting me near another person.

Because my home life was equally as weird I never questioned it till now. And when other friends went on to treat me abusively I thought it was me, something I was, intrinsically faulty and unlikeable, and then went home to some more of the same from my stepdad.

I DO think we should celebrate how much we have overcome but I also totally understand the overriding pain and hurt at being robbed of what should have been a normal functioning childhood. We won't ever get that back.

Ally, I think what you said about constantly analyzing ourselves is part of the answer in how to raise our kids. Theres no easy ending, but if were constantly questioning ourselves, at least then if we <span class="italic">do</span> end up hurting our children badly, then at least were open to the idea that we could have been wrong, and would be willing to apologize. I`d love to wake up one morning, say in 10 years and find that behaving "normal" comes naturally.

Pages, I think Tolstoys first line in WAr and Peace is something along the lines of: All happy families are the the same, but unhappy families are the ones that are interesting enough to write about.

I think his main point was that you rarely come accross a happy family, and even if you do, are they really that happy if theyve never had to overcome a problem, to grow and learn? That would make a person limited in many ways too (think of all the do-gooders who think we should forgive and forget-. Many of them do not realise how incredibly hurtful their comments can be. At least we know well never hurt somebody flippantly like someone from a "happy" family can, because we know only too well the incredible pain involved.)

I just want to add this link to a specific page on the website that ally recomnended
how to move on

I think the Americans are much more clued up about mental health problems than us. I can`t stop reading it because its like a thousand light bulbs turning on in my head as I go through the threads.

Just wanted to say I had registered and read through the posts on the link you gave us Sakura. There's a lot of talk about forgiveness, and I think for me the two things that have specifically helped me (but I do think how to move on must be a very personal thing)are the realisation that it's entirely okay and acceptable NOT to forgive. That realisation was a real turning point for me. And secondly, for me, writing letters that I DID send! That really worked for me. I think for me as a child, not having a voice was the really hard bit so it feels really good to have expressed how I feel even though I know that my mother won't or can't validate what I have said. But I know that won't work for everyone. (My mother's way has always been stony cold silence rather than raging fury).

Yes thats true- about NOT forgiving and sending the letter.
I think its also true that forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation so Im starting to forgive my mother in the sense that I know that she is mad. She should be a patient, really. I also wonder what went on in her childhood- I havenT ruled out the possibility that she could have been sexually abused - something she has never hinted at, but I just dont know. Then again, it was more likely that she was the golden child- she had posessions (a horse for example) that her siblings could only ever dream of. She was also the only one in the family to qualify for grammar school. SO I know her family created her narcissism to a certain extent. But then I wonder again about sexual abuse because <span class="italic">why</span> was she given so much? AS a reward? Just because? Also, I can feel the woman she wanted to be. SheS very creative, but my dad was abusive towards her and couldnt appreciate her good points. But none of this means that Ill be resuming contact with her because the pain she causes me is still the same, and the terrible effect she has on my life and mental health is not worth is.
But its true that some people think that forgiving means letting her back into your life, but it doesn`t have to be like that.

Maybe we have to decide for ourselves whether our mothers are mad or bad, then go from there. (obv they`re a bit of both because they seem to know their behaviour is wrong otherwise why do they save it for some people)

Hello,
I just wanted to thank you all for this thread. You have helped me tremendously. My situation is not parallel with yours, and was not physically or as intensively negative. And I admit I have not read the entire thread - a bunch at beginning, some in middle and then following along for the last month or two.
Currently, my interest is in relation to my Middle Sister (our parents are deceased, I am the youngest of 3 girls) who imagines herself matriarch over me and my family (ds 15, dd 13 , dd2 due Feb)(She is a single professional, no children). The NPD link helped so much to put into better words why I was feeling frustrated and uncomfortable with the way she has been treating us. I'm not quite at the point of never speaking to her yet, but I am where I don't really care what she thinks anymore, and have to actively manage our time together-she announces that she will attend-period. I'm just not going to be her door mat anymore, or a puppet in the "All About Her Show".
Other points not necessarily related to Middle Sister but in my general history:
(historic or not so historic) event replays: check (tape just won't wear out but I do know how to change the channel now)
I'm a misfit: check (I didn't know it for twenty years -thought I was just independent, how will I fool myself for the next twenty -perhaps my calling to solitude? lol)
over analyzing: check (don't want to offend anyone/did I offend anyone/what she said was a hidden insult...)
forgiveness: I forgave myself for being me.
Realizing my parent's own struggles and forgiving them helped ease my understanding of my past by providing a wider perspective of context.

I don't post very often, so I am sorry if this is a jumble of disjointed thoughts.
Thanks again and again.

and I also agree: please do not respond to the provocations--wouldn't that be like throwing food into that box of mad snakes? Try to think of it as bait. Don't bite, just leave it; don't participate.
Take care, good luck and keep up the good work- brains and backbone are hard to defeat.

Hi toomany,
So sorry that your sister is behaving like this. Its very painful. Im not sure which is worse; a mother or a sibling with narcissistic traits (lets ask ally- she has both!) I think youre totally right that its up to us to stop making it all about them. We need to sort out what well put up with or not and draw our boundaries.