My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry

[Pages]

I posted on here a while back asking the question "Would you cut your mother out of your life" because of a really hurtful thing she did to me which she refuses to apologise for. I think my position has always been that it would be the last resort - I think my question should really have read "would you risk your mother cutting you out of HER life?". Well I risked it and she has...

Sorry to go over old ground but she told me over a year ago that my SIL found it hard to be around my son who has special needs. I didn't confront my brother and SIL until recently because they are really unapproachable and part of me felt that I had to just live with it. It came out a few months ago in a bit of heated discussion with my brother about something else. I immediately apologised to my mum for the way I had delivered it to my brother but said I felt it did need to be addressed (I have to protect my son, he will pick up on people's feelings about him). My mum denied having said anything of the sort and she, my SIL and brother all called me a liar (SIL said some really nasty things) and said I had invented the whole conversation, and my mum got the rest of the family to gang up on me.

My mum has said very little to my face but has badmouthed me and manipulated behind the scenes including trying to get the one (older)brother who has stood by me against me against me, accusing me of splitting up the family, etc.

Me and my older brother sent her an email telling her that we don't like the way the family operates, the scapegoating, backstabbing, and manipulating that goes on. We also told her that we wanted her to acknolwedge how bad our childhood was (my stepdad was physically and emotionally abusive to us both for several years, my mum left us home alone when we were really small, etc). We told my mum that this has really affected our lives (Neither me or b have much inner confidence and I still have nightmares about the past. I am having counselling now).

My mum said nothing to me and b but showed my younger brother and sister the letter (even though we asked her not to and to talk to us about it instead)and my sister had a go at me, said my mum was really upset and had told her what had "really happened" and that we had made it all up, it wasn't that bad. I sent an email asking to be treated with more respect or be left alone. I heard nothing from any of them till now.

My mum recently started texting and contacting my older b, we are both certain she was doing her usual "divide and rule" bit, trying to get him on side so I am the one left out. He emailed her back a few days ago and said she must apologise to me for calling me a liar and take on board our concerns if she wants a relationship with either of us. I have to say, I never wanted to issue ultimatums, but could not live with the alternatives which would be to just not be myself or true to myself.

My mum has emailed him back and said it is too late, we have both hurt her to much and it is beyond redemption and that we need to sort our own lives out and leave her to get on with hers. She called me false because I had a close relationship with her and never said anything like this before. I accept that I did used to just say "the past is the past" and because I have always been too petrified of losing her to ever cross her, so have accepted blame, guilt, comments behind my back about me and DH, and have carried on being loving and compliant towards her till now. We did have a "close" relationship but on the basis that I agreed with everything she said.

I feel okay, actually. I suppose I have been slowly accepting this may be the outcome for months. But I can't quite believe that rather than discuss things, debate things, get things out into the open and (what is hardest for her - apologise)so we can move on to a new and better level in our dealings with her she is willing instead to lose two of her children. Just feel sad about that really...

Oops correction...I knew the light switches etc were an OCD...just was not that aware the horrible thoughts of jumping off cliffs etc were!

THanks ally.
Yes, thats a good strategy really- to go back to how you imagine yourself as a child and to give that child a hug, and stroke her head. I did that long before I saw it written in some therapy book somewhere, and found that it worked in a way. I did feel quite soothed.

I find it hard to hug my inner child or thoughts of me as a child...just feel daft. Yet I hear your story and I automatically reach out.

And update on my family....just had all my property left (or there could be more coming) on the doorstep. Lots of shuffling outside (wondered what the neighbours were up to) then something stuffed thro letterbox, ring on door, knock on window and I peered thro peephole (automatic since sending first letter to mother) and saw their car gunning off.

I'm feeling very childlike now. Think it must be the effect of seeing my old toys again. I felt very happy at seeing some toys, but unhappy at others. Quite a few memories. Mainly joy to see them again. Afterall...they didn't hurt me, feeling more like attachment too them like I did to pets...is that possible?? There again toys carry your fantasy's and you can cuddle them...alot to attach to.

And as I said on my post when I saw my mother in town acting saintlike, she'll be aggressive next. And the note she posted was written in aggressive terms and the dump of my toys was done in a 'ungrateful child, how dare she be so rude' way...if I can read that much into it...I got the message loud and clear. So back to the old cycle again...next will be remorse and saintlike xmas card.

Keep thinking could I/should I try harder with her. But all I can think of if I had remained in contact is her acting up over my dd. And I get a cold shudder of fear down my spine just thinking what would have happened if my ex and I had had a child, there is no doubt in my mind I would have ended up abusing them because my mother would not have left me or the child alone and my ex would not have stood up to her. What I do think of is I gave her 30 years worth of chances, how many more does a person need to repent and change?

I suppose what I'm trying to deny I'm feeling is hope, I don't feel love for her, but I do still think 'perhaps'.

Oh ally, are you okay? Shes just not going to let you go lightly, is she! REturning your old toys and things as an excuse to break through the boundaries that you are trying to create around yourself. She shouldnt have been at your house and the only way she could think of getting to go there wa by doing that, and also the fact that your old toys are probably supposed to remind you that you are a child, and a "look at all we did for your" reminder.
I know it might be hard but could you consider throwing all the toys away? when I emigrated I just brought the bare essentials- it was like running away. Ive even re-bought classic books that I love, and it really has helped. Of course there are times when I wish I had some belongings or objects of the person I used to be, and in a strange way I mourn that frightend little girl. But the fact that Ihave very little to remind me of my childhood really helps me because it feels like a new chapter. And they say that if you dont get rid of old stuff, there will be no place for the new stuff in your life.

Oh Ally, I just wanted to post to say that I hope you're okay this morning (you may remember we chatted earlier in the thread. I have been reading but not posting for a number of months because I had an mc and it's left me a bit raw). I don't think there is any more you could do with your mother. As you say you've given her years of chances and it hasn't made any difference. Letting go of "perhaps" is very difficult but you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself and your dd. Doing something as unhinged as leaving all your old possessions on your doorstep proves, I think, that your mother is increasingly frustrated by you standing up to her. My mother is the same. I had an email from her the other day (the first contact for a few months), including phrases like "I'm not getting any younger", and referring to my ds as "the little boy I used to know". Am currently trying to work out how to/if I should respond to her. I'm starting counselling in a couple of weeks (my internalised anger has become barely manageable) and I'm hoping that it might help me to become strong enough to meet up with her, tell her how I feel and draw a line under all this, if that's truly ever possible.

There have been so many posts that have resonated with me recently and have really helped me. So often I think I'm mad and am overreacting to my parents' behaviour, and am just neurotic and stupid, but then I come here and realise I'm not stupid and I'm not alone, and all these assumptions about myself are just what my parents drummed into me throughout my childhood. All I have to do is stop my subconscious from continually throwing them back at me.

ally that your mum dumped your old toys,i think thats quite significant though, the old toys would start you thinking about being a child again and its very childish-her behaviour.

my visit to my parents went ok,there was a lot of polite chat and my dad was there and it went ok. There was a dig though(i knew she,d have to get one in) -ive lost weight,about a stone with stress, she hasnt mentioned it or acknowledge it but said to me "have you seen your sister,she,s looking very slim" and i just said yes she looks good.

Saturday morning an email pops into my account still entitled "FAMILY". it said would i like my mum to look after dd while i helped my dad do his friends legal stuff, at first i was confused cos i gave my dad the stuff on friday night but then i realised she must have meant thursday when dd was off nursery ill, strange that the email only got to me on saturday though.
i emailed her back and said that id only just received it.

Saturday night i went out with my sisters, we had a good time and we all talked about the past, i feel closer to my sisters, they were telling me to be strong and not let her try and control me and that i wasnt doing anything wrong, just trying to get on with my life.it felt good to be with them.

Hi Ally, Hope you're ok. I agree with Jenk about the toys being dumped on your doorstep.

Very childish of your Mum, almost like a 'that's not fair' attitude. Seems a bit like something my mum would do, hoping that you would contact her. And hoping you might feel some kind of guilt in some way for her dumping them. Classic mum mind games in my book.

Why did your mum dump them if she doesn't expect any come back, or does she, especially your old toys, as if she's appealing to her little girl. Not her adult daughter. Ooh parents make me steam!!

Don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm thinking whilst typing, could get messy.

I'm confused about my sister at the mo. My DH says my sis seems as though she is just the same as my parents. After initially telling me she's not getting involved there has been zilch contact. She used to send emails and txts this has stopped since I told my parents they didn't exist. Funny that.

Yet she knows how weird our parents are. But DH reminded me of an incident with my parents, sis acted all calm asked if it could be sorted, then immediately started to beat me. But then again thats another story, might post it one day.

God there are some days when I wish that all this would (v.rude word) off out of my head and life, it's wasting my time, so fed up of it all. It's like a wearing sodden pyjamas after doing a lifesaving swimming exam, I just want to get out of the bloody things and get dry.

Go to go really not making sense now.
Take care x

Hi all, thanks for the replies, really helped.

Sakura, I'm fine, but you know how these things go, sometimes it takes a few days/week or so to let things sink in and chance to sift thro the implications. You are so right with the 'look at what we did for you', and reminding me I'm just a child in their eyes. And what you said about getting rid of the toys, well it rung true with me. I think that is what I will do (just as soon as I get the garage door open again...think I may have been bit angry when I slammed it shut cause its come off its tracking! Oops!) And I think I may even get rid of the stuff my father brought round after dd was born, the stuff I told my mother months before not to buy...it still really angers me that its up in our loft...bad feng shui! I'm keeping the correspondence tho. As my dh says the presents are bought for the adults not the child. (And to be honest, most of it was her taste...vile!!)

Bearsmom, of course I remember you. So sorry to hear of your mc, can understand you staying quiet for a while. Glad too hear from you again x Those phrases sound like something my mother would say, pile on the emotional blackmail. She tried to get at me thro my dd by poetry...very sickly stuff. As to replying to her email, I would leave it till you speak to your councellor, I found that helped me as otherwise all my anger and agression came out in the letter/email. I wish you luck in meeting up with her, as Pages has found and I can imagine it is liberating to stand up to the bully who has kept you down for years. Something my mind turns to now and then then stuffs the idea away in a dark corner again! One day maybe I will have the courage to do it. And I understand your subconsious bringing you down, I get that too. I fight it more now tho, still hard but I have to work on questioning my mother/sisters voice/ego in my head for it to become a habit and maybe one day believe that what they say is not true.

Hi Jenk, there always is only one dig. How many dig's do you want in a lifetime from your own mother? What a ruddy heartless thing to say, ignoring your problems causing weightloss, deliberately, ignoring your weightloss whether you look good/ill with it, deliberatly, then praising your sisters looks/achievement, deliberately. There is a lot more below the surface of that dig and its got to have hurt at some level! Really glad you have your sisters sticking up for you, listen to them and don't take any more 'digs' like that from your mother. Try to think of blanket things to say 'why do you say that/why did you look like that/ why do you need to know' etc...Try to bat the ball back into her court, then she's the one who has to do the explaining of her own unempathetic behaviour. I'll take a breath come off my soapbox now. Thanks for the reply btw, my mothers behaviour was childish...just a reminder of why I don't what to be in contact with the bunch of nutters.

Hi Dottydog, my mother is a 6 year old in a 57 year old body. Disturbing that she roped my dad into this as well as she cannot drive. It is the guilt trip, leaving your child's toys on the pavement. I think the message is I'm worth nothing. I think she was hoping for an immediate response what with the noisy shoving note thro letterbox, doorbell, knock on window...but then driving off fast in the car...strange. But again I can see the 'your my little girl' approach and 'all these toys I kept for you, arent I a good mother and look at how you've treated me' etc. I would say they want a response, this is the most drastic thing they have tried so far, something myself and dh have been expecting since I sent the letter.

I often think while I type (can you tell today!!) parents make me mad too. Think its the patronising attitude that really winds me up.

As for your sister, listen to your dh. Did she literally beat you up? I'm thinking surely not...in a verbal sense, yes? Cutting off contact with you says to me she's with your parents on this one. My sister agreed my parents were x y and z, but now given the choice she's let me know who she sided with. I think the adult children left generally do side with the parents, its that protection thing, being the good little girl. Just don't hold your breath waiting on contact from her, I would say she's playing your parents game and can't/won't break away. The good news is you have broken free. And you have your own family now. And as for the pj's...never swum in any but I know what you mean...said along the same lines to my therapist quite often...it just buzzes round and round in circles! Not so bad now I'm not around family. Quietened down a lot since last year and its a while since I've said that...so there is hope and a towel at the end of this!

Now can I have a prize for the longest post EVER...

Please?

Maisemor hands Ally90 the shiniest Gold Star she could find as a prize for the longest post ever.

Steps back clapping and whispering "well done Ally90" .

Ta Da! And the world's longest poster award goes to Ally!(Applause and cheers)Speech! Speech!

Oh thank you Maisemor and Dotty...speech? Oh I couldn't...oh go on then!

Ally, re. sis beating me up, it was physical and resulted in having to get a new pair of specs. Mind you my new one's do suit me better. Was told to get the bruising documented by a GP. Which I did. I think this was advised just in case of any legal gubbins. Didn't take it any further than the GP's though.

The incident that happened was a scary one,sometimes can't believe it did happen. But unfortunately I didn't imagine been scared in my own home, or the police turning up, only to be told by my mother that I had gone out. Thankfully the police didn't leave as I was on my phone upstairs in my bedroom with another police officer, who was telling them where I was. Not really ready to write this all yet maybe another time. Still upsetting to remenber.

A friend once said jokingly my life was like a real-life soap-opera. A bit bizarre, some repeats, nail-biting (literally), and totally numbing.

Psst... Can I have a big fluffy towel,preferably by a sun-soaked pool.

And your mother said you were out

Understand you don't want to talk of it. Amazing how much abuse one person can take and still go back waiting for some acknowledgment of the wrong and a genuine apology and then some acceptance and love.

You can have the biggest fluffiest towel I can find and a floor (not the floor...a floor of rooms!) of the most opulent hotel in the world...is it in saudi arabia or las vegas? Ah well, lots of hugs anyway!

Ally, you forgot to thank your mother in your thank you speech. Don't forget she took you to stately homes... Yet another attempt at trying to get a reaction from your mother. In your case I would definitely say don't give it to her (I know you won't). Like mine, she runs the entire range of toxic parent reactions to confrontation. Maybe you aren't ready yet to give up on that "perhaps" but if you ever want to have a funeral for your hopes and expectations we are with you!!

So sorry for your mc bearsmom . I had 3, know how devastating it is.

Dotty, about your sister. My sister too sided with my mother in the end (though she tried to stay neutral for a while, my mother got to her eventually) but she never got physical with me. My DH too says my childhood is like something from Trisha or Jerry Springer.

Guys, been re-reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" which is a book about Borderline Personality Disorder. I think my mother is more NPD than BPD but she has traits of both (one of which is to forget she said/did things and look blankly at you when you challenge her, at other times to weep and say she did the best she could, and then at another time again to deny things altogether that she has previously acknowldeged to be true). Explains so much to me again about why it is impossible to ever ever get through to my mother.

But the reason I mention it is because I am certain some of you would benefit from reading it, people with violent or abusive family members in particular (Dotty - your sister, Sakura and Greensleeves' mothers spring to mind).

Sorry, read that back Ally, and what I meant was "Yet another attempt by your mother at trying to get a reaction from you".

Damn, again, meant "violent or verbally abusive" relatives, specifically, when talking about BPD. But of course all forms of abuse are relevant and damaging.

Hi Ally, I dread the thought of meeting up with my mother (especially as I don?t kow whether she?ll have her nice or her nasty persona on), but I know I?m going to have to see her at some point in order to stand up to her face to face rather than just never seeing her again, not because I want anything from her (I know I won?t get any sort of an acknowledgement that she ever did anything wrong) but because I need to prove to myself that I can do it (Pages' example v. inspiring). I know I?m not strong enough at the moment but from the evidence of those of you on here who have had counselling it really does seem to help. My sister tells me that my father is still the violent tempered, cruel person he ever was and that what my mother requires is for everyone to toe the line and pretend everything in the family is normal and to put up with whatever critical, controlling behaviour my parents care to mete out without complaint. And I?m sure that?s why she wants to see me. I?ve broken the rules and she?s determined I will get back into line and do what I?m told. After all, I guess it?s what she?s used to. (just had a mental image of me stamping my foot and shouting ?shan?t!?)

It?s interesting how just making and maintaining the break has allowed me to start changing. I have always felt like I have to apologise for existing because of how things were in my childhood (I?ve always known in my heart of hearts that my mother was disappointed in me because she wanted someone just like her and I?m not. My younger sister was and I had a strong feeling of not mattering at all once my sister came along and presented my mother with more of a mirror-image of herself). One example - I?ve always hated complaining about bad meals or shoddy goods, but, and I know it probably sounds like a really trivial thing, recently I've been able to do it confidently, politely, and without caring whether it will mean that the other person doesn?t like me any more. Good grief, I?ve wasted so much of life apologising for my very existence and trying not to cause any trouble. It?s a good feeling to be getting out of this habit.

Do any of you get flashbacks or recollections of upsetting childhood events when you?re just going about day-to-day life? (not asking for details, just wonder if others experience this). Perhaps because of having read so much that?s got me thinking on this thread, and perhaps because I?ve been ?liberated? from my mother for nearly a year now, I?m finding that it?s like my mind is releasing stuff it?s hidden away until now because it would cause trouble/make maintaining my previously apparently okay relationship with my parents impossible. The other day while driving ds to a friend's house I had a flashback about something my dad did when I was about ten and my physical reaction was so strong I really had to struggle to keep the car on the road. I thought I was going to pass out. It's never happened to such a great degree before and it was a combination of shock and relief (because there's stuff I've buried and have been trying to remember and haven't been able to).

Thanks Pages. It?s been five months now and my due date would have been in December, so it?s on my mind a lot at the moment. Have a lovely ds though, and am deeply grateful to have him.

Hello to everyone else . Hope everyone is doing okay.

of course that should be "know" not "kow"!

Yes, bearsmom, I definitely went through a period of about a year when I was getting flashbacks and serious nightmares around the time I confronted my mother. My brain brought up all kinds of stuff to the surface that had been buried deep down somewhere. Now I have them less and less, but sometimes, like if my daughter is crying or something and I comfort her, Ill get a deep stab of emotion and remember myself crying and sobbing at a much later age than DD (DD is 13 months), and my mother having the power to relieve my suffering but choosing not to and in fact causing the suffering or making it worse. So Im reminded constantly in daily life of how inept and inadequate as a parent she was.

Thanks Sakura. It's good to know that they lessen as time goes by. It was a real shock to have the memory come out of nowhere and provoke such a strong physical reaction.

Anybody out there? My mother has finally broken down my defences ;(

Looking thro toys that were left and found 8 a4 pages of childhood pictures printed carefully out on laminate/photo paper and most disturbing a picture of me (6ish years old) and at the top of page in mothers handwriting

In Loving Memory of My Dear Daughter Ally
Always Loved
Always Cared For
Never Forgotten
Sadly Missed

And a gold star sticker over top of head (like halo??)

Went to therapist, could not cry. He said a lot of trouble had gone into doing it all. Told him I felt as if he was siding with family but he said he was merely commenting...still felt like he was siding guess he was trying to get me to cry or something. Really broke down desparately on way home, bout 45 min drive and sobbed most of way back not like me, I don't do the crying/hurt thing. Feel taken back to when I was 16/17/18 and had feelings of huge hurt and pain at my mother and sisters behaviour, like when I fought back by screaming back at them whenever they opened their mouths and then going to my room and crying my heart out cause I had hurt my mum, but had no choice because she would only hurt me again if I allowed her to speak. Not felt emotion like this for so long. This is what I was struggling not to feel when I broke contact, the guilt at hurting my mother, the hurt for me of hurting my mother, the need to go back and make it all right and okay again and being the little girl in the picture. But going back will resolve nothing. I have to have an acknowledgement of my abuse. I have to have an apology. Or else I'm going back for more of the same. If they cannot say yes it happened and yes it was wrong and we know WHY it was wrong...they cannot learn from their mistakes and CHANGE. Keep thinking I hurt my mum I know this is what she wanted to get at me and she has for the first time. I keep blaming her reactions on my behaviour. I cut her off, I'm not allowing her to act normally, not that she is normally capable of that but I've set off extreme reactions in her and its my doing. I should have done more to steer her in the right direction. I should have learned to be more adult with my therapist and grown up. He pointed out by ignoring all the letters etc I'm still acting as a child which is why they are treating me as one. I can see that. I just cannot or should that be will not act as an adult. I'm too scared. Frightened I will end up going back to them because it would be the right thing to do, therapist did say I did not have too...but I feel if I'm to act as an adult, an adult would have to do things like send correspondance...then I have to wait the response which could devastate me, they still have the ability to hurt me. I don't see how as an 'adult' I could defend myself from them and not feel the hurt. I dread seeing them face to face, to see the sadness and hurt I've caused them. But damn it they did that too me! No matter how sad and hurt they are THEY HURT ME AS A CHILD! For goodness sake, ignoring a 3 yr old who doesn't want to play, to have her character assasinated, to be critised for not being like her mother and sister. To laugh and tease and call names, to show no sorrow or empathy when a deeply loved pet dies but to sneer instead. I just feel so guilty. I should have tried harder with my therapy, I should be an adult. I've failed so badly. What do I tell my dd? I'm letting her down too. Just so sad

Ally I'm so sorry. I have nothing really helpful to say but I didn't want this to go unanswered.

I don't know what you have already been through in terms of therapy. I kept up with this thread initially and wanted to add stuff about me and my mum but never got round to posting as I felt it would take about three years to write the post.

All I can say is to keep on posting because it can really help just to be heard and to formulate your thoughts in this way.

I joined Mumsnet because of this thread. It got mentioned on another message board and I followed it over because I stopped having any contact with my Mum apart from a once a week phone call to see if we are both alive. It's literally limited to each of us asking how the other is and that's it. I never got round to posting either but it's helped me a lot reading other people's stories.

Ally, that's a terrible thing for your mother to do. It's just so twisted and wrong. She has something wrong with her to do that, hold on to that thought although it can't stop it hurting that she's behaved in such a vindictive manner towards you.

I've got to disagree with your therapist - by ignoring the correspondence from her you are being an adult - you are protecting yourself from her abuse. I also don't really see what his point is that she put a lot of effort into what she did, putting a lot of effort into something abusive and manipulative doesn't make it any less abusive and manipulative. They treat you the way they do because they are abusive not because you act like a child.

The only way I've found of dealing with my mother is to follow my feelings, it sounds like you are doing the same thing but are being undermined somewhat by your therapist. Trust yourself, you know how you feel about the things she does to you. A mother who does what she just did is abusive.

Hi Ally, sorry to see you so sad and obviously distressed by your find. I always remember some advice given to me and it struck a big chord with me.

"You are not to blame for other peoples actions".

What your mother has done or did is not your fault. Could you use the TP book to help you send something to her, the part in it about writing a letter? Would writing to her help you?

Yes she may have put a lot of effort into it, obviously trying to take you back to your past. But the message she's wrote seems a bit freaky, is she acknowledging she's lost her little girl? Is she trying to appeal to the adult you? God I hope I'm not scaring you I don't mean to, me typing and thinking out aloud at the same time. Do lots of questioning and reasoning myself always. But what would an adult Ally do? Write a letter?

Sorry if I'm not v. good at doing advice, I don't have many RL friends and usually shy away from personal situations.

God this is great I have no confidence in giving advice, cautious of taking advice, feeling a little out of my depth, (shouts 'thanks Mum/Dad, thanks a bunch!')

Ally you haven't failed at anything, you are adult, you sought therapy, you give great support here on MN. You are not letting your DD down. Stick with what your doing already with the therapy please.

Sorry you sad Ally, thanks for the fluffy towel, Saudi Arabia would be great. Booking you in the hotel next door, with extra towelsxxx

Ally I?m so on your behalf. ?Always loved, Always cared for???? She has an odd definition of loved and cared for. She is just trying to make you feel guilty and see her as vulnerable when in fact she?s gone out of her way to make you unhappy, your whole life. Like dottydog, I also disagree with your therapist. Just because a lot of effort has gone into something doesn?t make it positive and I'm surprised he didn't try to explore her possible motivations for doing this with you. I think it means she?s very determined to control you and the more you refuse to let her do this the harder she tries. And of course she misses you. She?s still stuck in the pattern she established in your childhood and she?s always been happy with it and doesn?t want it to change. It?s exactly how my mother is. There?s a particular family dynamic and everyone has their role. You?ve bravely removed yourself from immediate involvement in the dynamic and you?re not playing the game any more. Good for you!

I know you say you don?t do the crying/hurt thing, but did crying make you feel any better? It?s just that I?m sure I read somewhere that crying does perform a physical function of some sort of purging (sorry, head is a bit woolly this morning, not explaining this well). I had a major crying session the other morning while ds was at school after writing down some stuff I?d remembered from my childhood and I did feel a huge sense of relief afterwards.

You are an adult. You are acting to protect yourself and protect your dd. People like our mothers don?t necessarily restrict their nastiness to us. One of the reasons I?m determined that ds should see very little, if anything, of mine is that when he was about two I heard her make a derogatory comment to him about an aspect of his personality. She wasn?t criticising bad behaviour but an aspect of who he is, and I saw the future opening up where she would do to him what she did to me. And it didn?t matter that she wouldn?t see him every day like she did me. Just the fact that she was prepared to start her subtle cruelty on someone else who she supposedly loved left me horrified. So you are not letting your dd down, totally the opposite.

You mustn?t feel guilt at any hurt your mother may be feeling. It isn?t your fault that you have had to distance yourself from her, it?s hers. You are deciding how to live your own life now and that?s how it should be. And don?t feel bad that you?ve let her get to you. They?re good at this, it?s what they do best and they?ve had years of practice.

We are always here for you. xx