ive been up all night.

[vicarinatutu]

ive just let the love of my life walk away. ive deleted the numbers and the messenger services. it was reciprocal. he wasnt going to commit and is in a relationship already.
i left mine when i realised i had feelings for him. i walked away from a relationship of 27 years. like a complete idiot

this is hard. my eyes are like piss holes in the snow. i wouldnt let him end it by text and said he had to call or visit, then deleted everything on the phone.
but now i know whats about to happen.

i feel very alone and have during the entire non relationship if im honest - he was never mine to miss.

so why do i miss him already?

my life is in tatters. im lonely. im alone. i have been for 6 months. i thought things would change but he is by his own admission a coward and nothing ever changed despite promises.
i realise now nothing ever will.
i have to walk away and move on.
i left my home. my dh. my grown up children. my pets.
for nothing. dh has moved on and has a gf. a real relationship while i was pissing about with cloak and dagger bloke who was never gonna commit. its fine - bed made....lying in it and all that.
but right now - id gladly lay down and die. i destroyed my lifes work of 27 years in 6 weeks. 6 months later im in the same boat. i have nothing but debt debt and more debt. i have no prospect of a relationship - ive had plenty of predatory men try it.....ive had at least 2 encounters that were sheer desperation and that i hated myself for.
my self respect is below sea level and my judgement is questionable.
im fucked.
im about to get dumped by someone who never deserved me in the first place....and who i just dont want to get dumped by. but its going to happen or im going to do it for them.
ive waited long enough.
im not gong to meet anyone else am i. im going to grow old and die alone and i cant even have a cat cos i rent now.

Vicar that sounds just terrible. I am so sorry. Please believe it will get better. Sounds like you did the right thing and the hardest thing.

OP I am in a similar position as you and regardless of how we got here it is shit and it hurts. Well done on taking the control and deleting contacts but yes I too want the face to face honest explanation and closure.

Hope you have managed to rest. If you need to cry go ahead and cry, scream, rage do whatever you need to do. I find anger very cathartic.

If you can re read your OP especially the line about him not deserving your love .... Make that you mantra.

Your H might have found happiness but it doesn't erase the pain of your actions and doesn't diminish your culpability.

You took a selfish risk and it didn't pay off. Your pain is self inflicted and once the self indulgent wallowing stops, maybe you can investigate why you did what you did and hopefully learn it.

Do you know what? Last time you posted you were with him but being given the runaround and you sounded totally dreadful - broken - a shell of a person who could barely type (and you're normally so articulate). Now he's gone you're clearly devastated but somehow you're alive again, you sound like a whole if extremely upset person. I'm really glad he's gone as being with him was hurting you a whole load more than not - even if you can't see it right now. He treated you like complete shit. I don't know if you saw a comment I put on your thread in the other place but I am fairly strongly of the opinion that it is because he treats you so badly that it feels so right, because of your childhood experiences. Your mother's legacy rumbles on.

Have to say I didn't realise the horrible creature was also in a relationship with someone else. I think this makes him officially beyond the pale. No doubt you had certain guilt issues etc making the whole thing even more toxic. (I bet he doesn't treat his OH very well either - I doubt he has the equipment.)

You're not alone vicar.

I understand why some people are having a bit of a go. On the one hand it is very black and white. On the other, if you aren't aware, vicar has been a prolific, sympathetic, and sensitive poster for a long time. That doesn't give anyone a free pass to expect a pat on the head, but I look at it in the round: this site is for human beings going about their lives. Making mistakes is a part of that. She knows, painfully, that it has all gone to shit for obvious reasons.

It's odd to feel that a place in the virtual world is a 'safe place', but that's how I feel about MN sometimes, and its inhabitants (mostly). I think everyone should be able to feel like that. Even when they have screwed up.

Hope you get some sleep vicar, it will bring you a bit of perspective. Chin up.

I know you're right, and I've had fantastic support here for years under one name or another, but it's so hard to swallow.

I mean, do some people only get pain when it's their own? Months of causing hurt to someone else and then 'oh poor me, it huuuuurts ' when it comes back to bite you on the arse.

A bit like shooting someone in the leg and then expecting sympathy when they shoot you back.

I've seen several friends dealing with affairs and OWs - in every case the OW would've been positively triumphant if she'd won her man, so I guess I'm projecting here a bit, but come on...ow gets dumped by man she was hoping would dump his wife, it's poetic justice.

The OP wouldn't be the first OW to fall for a pack of lies, though. That's why so many on here recommend that the betrayed spouse directs their fury mainly at the cheater, not for the person they cheated with. (Except when the OW behaves spectacularly badly, as for example in MrsC's case.) That's not to deny it's wrong to pursue, or allow yourself to be pursued by, someone you know isn't available. But people don't always make the right choices, especially when the balance of their mind is disturbed (speaking from experience - not that I chased anyone who wasn't single, I hasten to add, but when I was in a bad state I did several things I'm not proud of that I certainly wouldn't have done before or since).

Oh Vicar I'm so sorry to see you posting in this situation

Peppermint pretty much summed up everything I was going to say.

Chin up and baby steps. Start by cutting this one loose.

Hope you feel better soon vicar

No one goes through life without making mistakes. Some are bigger than others and some we are certainly not proud of. The ability to recognise your own mistakes and take responsibility for them, which includes bearing the consequences, is what defines people. And it often results in wiser, more compassionate people who understand how easy it can be to fall off the 'true path'.

I see vicar taking full personal responsibility for her part in what happened and being prepared to take the consequences. She's not trying to deny anything or minimise it. All she's doing is asking for some support to get through it. If we were all abandoned every time we did something wrong, the world would be a thoroughly miserable place. That's what our friends and family are there for, or in today's world even internet forums.

vicar - you've been through difficulties already and come back fighting. You'll come through this as well. Head down, one foot forward and you'll get there.

nequid

I imagine that many of us here have screwed up in some way in the past and although your head might know that things will generally work out in some way, getting to that point can be a desperate business indeed. I think we most of us feel for pain even if the person may have brought some or all of it on themselves. There's little we could say to vicar that I imagine she's not already saying to herself if you read the OP again.

Oh Vicar, I'm so sorry to hear you feel so low. I always look out for your posts and admire your articulate, straightforward style.

Look after yourself and let wise MNers and friends look after you. (((Hugs)))

Everyone makes mistakes but when they're self inflicted AND as a result of intentionally hurting someone else, you've got a brass neck asking for sympathy and shouldn't be at all surprised if you get a mixed response.

The only reason she's facing up to her actions and recognising her mistakes is because it's gone wrong.

If he'd left his wife so that they could both skip off into the sunset I doubt she'd be posting about making her bed or feeling remorse; it'd be the wife on here looking for support in that scenario.

It's obvious that OP is well regarded, and it looks like she'll get all the support she needs, but being a prolific and helpful poster shouldn't insure you against a dose of reality when you've behaved contemptibly.

nequidnimis and I suppose you have never done anything wrong in your entire life, oh no, of course not!

Never made a mistake eh?

Of course I have.

Have I ever intentionally got into a situation that I knew would cause a world of hurt for someone else? No.

And if I ever do, I won't be bleating on about how it all backfired and I'm terribly sad.

What a black and white world the place is to some. The thing is, the world is rarely black and white. If life was as simple as boy meets girl and neither ever hurt each other because everyone has the forethought to end a relationship rather than realising that a relationship is in difficulty because you've developed feelings for someone else then we wouldn't be living in a world where the majority of people have cheated on a partner at some stage.

No-one here is saying that it's ok to either cheat on your partner or to get involved with someone who is in a relationship with someone else - it isn't. But sometimes it takes making a wrong choice to help us realise what the right one is.

All this talk of whether the op was thinking of the om's wife when she was with him and why she feels she should deserve sympathy now that it's over, what is the point of that? Do you think that it will make the op sit up and realise the er of her ways and beat herself up just a bit more? Does it make you feel good about yourself to heap judgement on someone whose life you know nothing about? Do you think it makes you a better person for having pointed out to her that someone else will have been hurt in this process? No? then why not just admit that the need to kick the op when she is down is based more on the need for smug satisfaction that you would never be in the same position. But never say never. Don't forget that black and white is littered with grey.

Tbh though I do disagree with the sentiment that vicar deserves sympathy because she is a long time poster who has given good advice in the past. We are all human. Just because someone is known to us doesn't make them more deserving than someone who isn't. Why should we judge someone more harshly just because we can't look back over their history???

Op - you have done what so many are unable to do - you have walked away from a long-term relationship which wasn't working for you. If you went back now would you really be happy? don't kid yourself that you walked away from happiness into the arms of this man - you didn't. This man wasn't the love of your life - he was the catelist that made you see the changes you had to make. Of course it's hard when you leave one relationship thinking that better things await and then you realise that actually things aren't all as they seemed. but that doesn't make the walking away any less valid.

The thing you have now is freedom. The freedom to be who you want, to do what you want, to go where you want. what is it you want from life? in one, five ten years time, where do you want to be? Think about that and make today the first day of the start of that journey.

What is 'intentionally' though? I've learned over the years that people whom you might have regarded as the most supremely rational or compassionate beings can behave completely stupidly - and effectively be blind to the developing circumstances of their lives - when it comes to emotions. (And in many cases, those very same basic characteristics cause them to berate themselves much more than someone else might when things go wrong - as they usually do in some way.)

I didn't see the OP as 'bleating' - just a cry of pain. And that I would try to feel for in most people, I hope.

When I read the OP what I heard was someone hurting and for that they get my sympathy. The OP did not have to reveal the context of her hurt but she did. As a pp said nothing the OP reads on here will be any worse than what she is going through her own mind.

I was shocked to read this and realise it was vicar. I hadn't been aware of the things going on for her, nor do I know much about her, but I recognise the name as a very kind and sensitive poster who always has great advice for people on here.

While it is never a good idea to be in a relationship with someone who is already married, or otherwise committed, I cannot feel anything but sympathy for vicar. The OP of this thread is heartbreaking. My blame lies solely at the feet of the man who has cheated on his wife, and treated vicar so appallingly. When someone is telling us what we want to hear, it is very very easy to believe them, and to make huge decisions in our lives based on that.

Also, it is possible to have sympathy for someone even though you do not agree with their behaviour.

I hope you can get some sleep vicar, and maybe have some time off work to process everything.

When I read the OP what I heard was someone hurting and for that they get my sympathy. The OP did not have to reveal the context of her hurt but she did. As a pp said nothing the OP reads on here will be any worse than what she is going through her own mind.

Well I can't speak for anyone else but I posted as a balance to all the 'aww take care of yourself' posts, and can answer 'no' to all of your questions about motives for posting.

This is relationships, where every second post is from some poor woman suspecting or discovering an affair, so OP seemed self pitying and insensitive to me.

Less irritated by previous actions, more by the current expectation that the world should care that it's gone wrong I suppose (but then maybe that self centred outlook is what makes an affair seem ok in the first place).

Most people seem to think she deserves tlc so I accept I'm in the minority.

When someone is in pain they are entitled to feel that pain, regardless of who around them might find it insensitive, or what the causes are.

If someone was like that all the time, then yeah, that would be annoying. But ffs, are we now not even allowed to have a flipping crisis without worrying about who we might offend?

more by the current expectation that the world should care that it's gone wrong

If you don't care then that is fine. People write threads on here every day that I couldn't give a shit about, but I just close the thread and go on to the next one. There is no expectation at all, just a woman who is hurting getting her thoughts out.

Just replying to the post asking why I first posted, simmer down.

Are you usually so patronising and dismissive of other people?

There is an element of hypocrisy. Perhaps the next time another - unknown - OW posts on relationships, it would be good to quote wannabe's sympathetic post to them.