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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much is too much?

51 replies

Fairysprinkles · 02/07/2015 21:20

DP has got in a temper manhandled DD into her cot, gone downstairs and really lost it. He threw her toys around the room till some of them broke and broke a door too. It's not the first time he's lost his temper.

However it isn't always like this and I've kind of got used to intervening and sorting things out before he gets too cross. Things are lovely as long as I keep house, get up with DD in the night etc. she's only young and everyone says it's hard at the beginning. My question is should I stay because anything worth having is hard work or should I cut my losses and leave.

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 02/07/2015 23:08

Very much too much.

Small children only really get harder, if hecan't control himself during sleep training what hope does he have.

I'm saying that as a parent that hasn't always held it together but I've never broken things and made others feel submissive.

Lweji · 02/07/2015 23:16

He will hit her at some point, or you.

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. He cannot be left responsible for a child, nor near one.

Do you think you'll be able to stop him if he doesn't want to stop?

Your child safety is in your hands. What are you going to do about it?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/07/2015 04:33

Ehric wtf are you going on about emotional abuse for? Manhandling a child into a cot is physical abuse. I'm agog

Smashing her toys and throwing things around is also abuse. The emotional harm of witnessing DV is often the bit that parents don't acknowledge. Of course manhandling her is physically abusive but subjecting her to living in an environment where her father loses his temper and smashes her toys is emotionally abusive. I'm not sure why you are agog or why you think this situation only represents one kind of abusive behaviour?

Penfold007 · 03/07/2015 04:39

Fairysprinkles what are YOU going to do to protect your daughter?

Vivacia · 03/07/2015 07:34

I think that she plans to continue trying to prevent any triggers and when she fails, trying to limit the damage of his reaction.

Vivacia · 03/07/2015 07:35

She thinks you can't see his good side, and if you all could, you'd change your mind about telling her to leave him.

Skiptonlass · 03/07/2015 08:40

There's a very thin line between the level of force needed to manhandle a baby into a cot and the level needed to cause a bleed on the brain, or broken bones.

It doesn't matter if he's Prince Charming 99.99% of the time - ONE incident like this could kill your child. There is no threshold of 'number of broken doors it's ok to accept." Your child is in real and immediate danger from this man. One quick shake can kill a baby.

The majority of people have a few despairing moments with sleep deprivation and howling babies - the correct response is to put the baby down somewhere safe and go and have a cry in the kitchen, NOT be rough with the baby and start breaking things.

Take pictures of the damage, report this incident to 101 and find some real life support - women's aid, family, friends. You need to get out now. If you don't, he will continue to do this. you will end up walking on eggshells trying not to set him off and your child will be irreparably damaged.

Leave. Now.

Penfold007 · 03/07/2015 10:16

Vivacia you make some excellent points but I really do hope OP realises how serious this is.

pocketsaviour · 03/07/2015 12:47

OP, you said it's not the first time he's lost his temper.

How often does this happen? Has he ever acknowledged that he has a problem with his anger? Has he ever lost his temper at you?

GoldfishCrackers · 03/07/2015 13:02

Putting aside the real risk of physical assault, the way you're living, and the way you'll be expecting your DD to live, is not acceptable.
You're avoiding anything that would trigger him: not placing any demands on him, making sure life is pleasant for him so he doesn't get angry. Thats why he does it - he gets out of getting up in the night etc by scaring you. That's the essence of domestic abuse: control.
And will you expect your DD to do the same? Will she even be able to do the same? It's a child's job to place demands on her parents. How good will she be at tiptoeing round him when she's 3? Or 13? You'll never be able to leave them alone. And all the while she'll be learning that he's more important than you or her.

CocktailQueen · 03/07/2015 13:06

because anything worth having is hard work

Really, OP? No it isn't. It really isn't. Working hard on your relationship is one thing; your h being 'hard work' is something entirely separate.

His anger issues are out of control. I'd suggest he leaves until he can get help - anger management classes. Don't let him back otherwise. He could break your daughters arm next time. Seriously OTT and out of control.

Do you have RL support?

NoMontagues · 03/07/2015 13:36

When everyone says it's hard at the beginning OP - they don't mean this.

They mean it's tiring and an requires an adjustment to a new lifestyle, where your baby's needs come first .

Please, please take on board the previous comments on this thread. It's your job to protect your tiny baby.

Janette123 · 03/07/2015 15:24

Fairysprinkles,
Please get all your ducks in a row and leave, and do it now.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/07/2015 16:47

Don't leave, OP, GET HIM REMOVED. When you tell the police he was rough with your DD and smashed her toys, add that you are scared he will do it again and ask for their help in getting an occupation order ie he must move out of the house and not come back.
This shitbag is not 'worh having' at all. Get rid, get a structure in place for supervised contact only (and maintenance via the CSA) - he will probably fade out of your lives fairly quickly once you are not available as his punchbag. And then maybe look into the Freedom Programme and what gave you the idea in the first place that a shitty man is worth 'working on'.
Good luck.

Pagalee · 03/07/2015 16:51

Fairysprinkles, you have to leave or get him to leave.

There is never, ever any excuse for a grown man to 'manhandle' a baby. If he is at the stage of being rough with her, breaking her toys and breaking doors, he is DANGEROUS.

Please, please get your child away from him asap.

Whichseason · 03/07/2015 16:55

This is domestic violence. To make your child and yourself save you need to get this man to leave NOW.

hamsterescape · 03/07/2015 18:15

His inability to control himself and your inability stand up to this sort of behaviour means that it will never go away .
He needs know that this behaviour is completely and utterly unacceptable ...he needs to accept that he needs professional counselling to control it and if that doesn't work he needs to know that you will be showing him the door
...

Original poster
Fairysprinkles · 03/07/2015 20:47

Ok. Thank you for all your very honest responses. You all said what I needed to hear, I suppose I was hoping that someone would say this happened to them and it all worked out ok but they didn't. I know if I ask him to go he's just going to say no, even if I just say it's for a couple of days. But I know I have to do it and I will.

OP posts:
Nolim · 03/07/2015 20:54

Stay strong and protect your baby op. Good luck.

guyfawk · 03/07/2015 21:04

It happened to me Fairy. And it didn't work out ok. That side of him will always be there. My and my child's lives have been so much better since he left and I've been working to undo the damage.

Do the freedom programme, you can do it online if you can't face a course. You'll be surprised how much of a cliche your partner is - It's like they have a script.

Please make sure you do what you need to to be safe. Have a plan for all eventualities. Do you have someone you can trust in rl?

Lweji · 03/07/2015 21:04

Best wishes, Fairy.
We'll be around.
Get other people on the case or just go, if that is what it takes to make sure both of you are safe.

Pagalee · 03/07/2015 21:07

Good luck, Fairy.

Confide in a friend or relative who will support you.

Womens Aid is always there if you need advice, too.

silverglitterpisser · 03/07/2015 21:11

Good luck OP.

paxtecum · 03/07/2015 21:16

Can someone come round and be there with you when you ask him to leave?

In the future don't let him see your DD on his own.

LondonRocks · 03/07/2015 21:23

Just imagine, say, a babysitter doing that. You'd be livid, right?

Get angry, get annoyed on that baby's behalf and be the adult that you are.

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