AIBU? Don't want fiance to work away :(

[MissWeasley]

Hello,

Just after some advice really.

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. We live about an hour and half from each other, both live up north. His job is in IT Consultancy so he was away a lot in our first 2 years of dating. He was down London on weekdays so I only really saw him one day a week on Saturdays. I was ok with this but 6 months into our relationship, I started to fall for him and miss him.

I told him, that if this leads to a long term relationship e.g. marriage, I don’t want a part time husband or be effectively a single parent, living up here by myself whilst you are away Monday-Friday. So I rather us end it now, as that was not what I envisioned marriage to be like and not something I could cope with. I said however, I’d move closer to him up North so I’d be leaving my friends and family behind. He agreed and promised me he didn’t want the neither, followed by telling me he loved me for the first time and swore that he would never want that neither. So I carried on with the relationship, happy with the answer.

So 2 years after our relationship, he gets a job closer to home, and said he’ll be based here. He said that he did this for me and asked me to marry him a while after. I was so happy! I said yes. I started seeing him 2-3 times a week because I was still working and had a good career myself and we agreed we’d look for a place halfway, closer to our wedding day so we can move in and both still carry on with our careers.
In his new job, he gets paid quite well; he took a pay-cut but only a couple of thousand. I get paid quite well so it wouldn’t have mattered really. He has however been complaining to his manager over the lack of work he’s been getting. He is one of those, he likes to keep busy. I thought, you are getting paid a lot to do easy work and no stress, what’s the problem? But he doesn’t like the day going by without having stuff to do and he thinks it’s not good for his career. So anyway, he kept complaining to his manager. His manager has now offered to send him to London for a project!!!

He was shocked, and wasn’t expecting it...I was shocked because I assumed this new job didn’t involve going away and he was permanently based here. He said, its still contract work but he assumed he would be based here for years too. He turned the project down, which resulted in his manager getting angry because he’s complaining about lack of work and now he won’t take this project. My fiance is still on his probation, and they didn’t seem happy with him at all. So he thinks for him to keep his job, he needs to go.

Upset is an understatement right now. Because if this was a one off, I’d be ok because we are not married yet (Next March is our wedding day) and he’d be there 4 months minimum.

However, now he’s saying he cannot guarantee if they won’t send him off again and he will make that decision when we are married, we are not married yet so he should go on these projects.

So to me that sounds like, if we are married, he’ll decide then if he wants to go away like it’s a option?

What about leaving me by myself? What about when we have kids? Am I supposed to look after them by myself? I don’t have much family.

Am I being selfish??

I really want him to do well in his career but not the expense of our relationship. I’d only see him Friday night to Sunday night.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am making him choose but I personally, wouldn’t think being a part-time wife/mother was even an option for myself and I thought he thought the same hence why I carried on with the relationship.
He’s really upset that I am making an issue of it because he loves me so dearly and I should be supportive and understanding but I just don’t want a part-time husband :(

I hate his job :(

Yep, agree with everyone advising you to consider the realities of his job and where he's at in his current career. You can't expect him to make promises that simply aren't possible to keep considering the type of work he does.

Also, you say you want to have kids straight away, but also that he's fairly new to this career and hasn't yet reached the level at which he can call the shots regarding his working conditions. Again, that's an area where you can't have your cake and eat it...pursuing a career usually comes at some cost to one's personal life and vice versa. You both need to prioritise.

I think you both need to be a lot more realistic about your current employment situation, available family support, finances etc. and what it means for your mid-term future, and make plans based on that. It might mean you have to delay having children for longer than you initially thought. Or that you have to get by on less money...or spend less time together...or one of your careers will have to take the backseat for a bit...or...or...or...there are different possible choices to make here, but probably all of them will involve some degree of compromise.

He's my best friend, my everything so being away from him is hard.

Just living by myself Mon-Fri sounds lonely and daunting. It's ok now because I have my best friends and family around but when I move closer to him, that won't be the case.

I just think this is all a little bit immature. It's not a good idea to make your partner 'everything', it makes you overly dependent, and it means that if something happens to him, affair, terminal illness, accident, you'll be less able to cope than someone who's more independent.

Fearing you'll be lonely living alone 5 days a week - why not fill your time with your own interests and hobbies? You can make new friends wherever you are, and soon you'll have children.

I don't think your BF is being very realistic saying he'll never leave the North. You have to go where the work is. No employer is going to take kindly to him refusing jobs in the SE. So if that's how he feels he may need to change his area of work again.

trib yes exactly. Consultancy is ostensibly permanent, but the OP's DP will have utilisation targets which he is measured against, and won't get his bonus or be considered for promotion and payrises unless he achieves them.

That's why DH contracts. He did a stint for a consultancy, and we decided better to have the full flexibility of contracting, rather than be dictated to - ie. the flexibility only working in favour of the employer.

And more than that, Albibabs, you're leaving your colleagues in the shit potentially. I didn't know until several years after the fact that my boss had promised me to a project in Malaysia without telling me - I then managed to pull some strings to get assigned to a project in Amsterdam and thus accidentally left my colleagues in Malaysia high and dry, basically expecting me to arrive any day. I had no idea so didn't even email to apologise. Very embarrassing for them with the client. So you have to be prepared to be very flexible, earning your company large day rates and not necessarily seeing the rewards yourself. Bugger that for a bunch of bananas.

TBH I think you should let him go and completely re-evaluate your relationship.

I don't either one of you is being remotely precious or unreasonable. But your viewpoints are opposing. In this case there seems little room for compromise, only one person conceding to the other. That's going to breed resentment.

If you re-read your posts, it seems you have quite different outlooks on life in other ways too. As you're not even living together yet, think how much more magnified these will be if you're married and then have children. What if you have completely opposing views on raising children?

Reading your updates it sounds to me that you are both in a fairly similar place. Both home birds with no desire to live in the SE. He wants kids asap - I assume you have actually told him that you expect him to pick up 50% of the effort? If not, test that ground.

He's bored at work - he needs to find a way of dealing with that without being seconded around the country at the drop of a hat.

My own set-up couldn't be further from the 1950's, we both work long hours and we both travel for work, including some time away from home. I don't think it is unrealistic to point out that the OP that a lot of 'career jobs' involve that type of set up. We solve it by living near family who help out, others solve it by having a nanny, having childcare or an au pair if you want to preserve your own career.

I'm sure there must be some IT jobs which are more 9-5, but the people I know work on call, flexible hours, sometimes contracts in different places including abroad at times even within those more regular jobs.

Nothing in this scenario assumes the OP will take a step back in her own career unless she wants to, but as they get older and more responsibility, there are compromises to be made about hours/travel/location. I think it's quite normal for a new IT person to be seconded for four months elsewhere (not permanently) and I think the OP needs to have a realistic discussion about types of career, not all have the same requirements at all and higher up the ladder, the time commitments can be substantial unless you make a huge and deliberate effort (which some people do) to reduce them.

Yanbu OP - there is nothing wrong with wanting to see your DP. I think you do need an honest chat about short, medium and long-term priorities.

You need a 5 year plan I think. You say you want children immediately - will you give up work? In which case it is important that your DP has job stability. Has he set up his pay so it's as tax efficient as possible as a contractor or is he a permanent employee now?

If you give up work where will you live? If you would struggle to buy in the SE then that limits your options to outside London.

There are lots of IT firms in the M4 corridor, have you looked at house prices/commute options to there?

Is his employer flexible with hours/WFH? Is his skill set something that could lend itself to him setting up on his own in a few years?

If you are both working when you have children you will be able to buy in help (subject to your decisions re housing/location) if he is working away.

I'm an IT contractor and have worked in Germany, Holland, Thailand, the US, Sweden, the UK and Oz. The world is very accessible if you are an IT contractor - have you thought about embracing it and travelling for a couple of years before children and building up a nest egg with some international rates?

You are in a wonderful position to make some choices that are right for you both and your future family. If you both sit down and plan together you will be reassured about what's happening, when and why and can both work towards a common goal.

He's my best friend. He's my everything."

I think that's where your problem is OP

I'm concerned that he can't go away without thinking you're going to go off with another man! I would hope that he will learn to trust you but if he's going to work away with that attitude he will be as miserable as you will be.

I think he should take the work.

There seems to be some more fundamental problems in your relationship here, OP. The working away issue is just a scratch on the surface.

I agree with BitOutOfPractise who says it's a problem that he's your everything. You can't depend on one person like that, and I speak as someone who used to consider their DP that. It's not healthy and it puts a massive amount of pressure on the other person to conform to what you want, which is hugely unfair. He can be the most important person to you and a massive part of your life, but he shouldn't have to feel like he IS your life.

The other thing I would say is that although neither of you want him to work away, he doesn't seem to be doing anything to change that. It's absolutely your right to say you don't want a long-distance marriage - DP and I wouldn't either, which is why he turned down a job that meant he'd be away five nights a week. But your DP's actions speak louder than words - he might say he doesn't want to do this work, but in reality he hasn't looked for a job that means he doesn't have to travel.

I hope you can find a compromise but I think there are other issues going on here beyond his working life.

YABU and childish.

Seriously grow up. Lots of adults work opposite shifts and don't see each other during the week. Lots of family's have one adult that works away alot and it works.

You DID make him choose by giving him an ultimatum 6months in to your relationship. You cant control him like this. Its not fair.

FFS, it's not childish to want a relationship where one of you doesn't work away during the week. It's a personal decision. If you're happy to live alone part-time and not see your husband, that's absolutely your decision, but telling someone else they're childish because they don't want that is ridiculous.

I wouldn't want that because I've done long-distance relationships before and I didn't enjoy it and it's not something I would want on a long-term basis. Just because other people would want that, doesn't mean people who don't are wrong.

Agreed. Having done it before children, DH and I agreed this isn't what we would want once we did. I've had spells of working away one night a week, my absolute threshold is two. Everyone has to decide for themselves (and as a couple) what they want. And then adjust to the realities of their situation.

The difference between you and the op is that "dh and I decided" in your case.

Quite. A bit of clear dialogue would go a long way here I think.

I think you're absolutely right to raise this now OP. I also wouldn't marry someone who worked away. I would hate it.

I can just imagine you posting in 2020...

'I've been married for 5 years, have 2 young kids and I resent my husband working away because I have to cope with all the parenting single-handedly and I've given up my career.'

'Did he work away before you married OP?'

'Yes and I posted here about my concerns and everyone said I should suck it up and IWBU.'

I'd be ensuring my relationship was as I wanted it to be before I contemplated going through with a wedding. Working away would be a major deal breaker for me. Good luck

Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate it.

He's been having a tough time at work these past few weeks since he turned down going to London.

A few days ago, he kept going on about our wedding and I told him maybe we shouldn't get married yet and postpone our wedding so he can concentrate on his career as turning this job down doesn't seem to have gone down well.

I said I'm not sure if I want to get married yet.

I haven't heard from him since and he's ignoring all my texts and calls except for messaging me last night saying he thought i was breaking up with him. I said no I'm not!! But he's still ignoring me and secluded himself.

I don't really know what to do now. How can someone ignore you for sooo long?

Oh OP that sounds tough

I think he's understandably upset if he thought you were keen on getting married and suddenly told him you didn't want to do so just yet. That has to sting, poor bloke.

Once he's come round and you speak again, you really need to sit down and discuss what you both want from your future. You seem settled where you are with a good job and living fairly close to your friends/family. It doesn't seem like your DP has the same level of stability, especially with regards to his work.

You really need to decide whether you both want the same thing - you want a family, children and a husband who works 9-5 and is around in the evenings and the weekends. I think a LOT of people want that but it's not always possible. If he's happy to work away and it's part of his career path, you need to decide whether you can compromise a bit (maybe he does work away, but does a 4 day week so he's home more often, or maybe he only works away once or twice a year for a limited time), or whether what you both want makes you fundamentally incompatible.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution of sorts.

It sounds like you two have a general problem with communication, OP. I wonder if a couple of sessions of counselling might be good as a way for you to work on how to communicate openly? I dare say he's a bit narked that, having turned down the work in London, you're now questioning whether marriage is the right thing - but equally I think you're right, this isn't the time to get married, you need to have a proper chat about expectations and timescales. He needs to be bloody careful - if he is a permie (which I assume he is), he can probably not afford to turn down another assignment without risking failing his probation.

Are you particularly traditional, OP? Unless I've misunderstood you, you don't live together yet, but you're stressing about what things will be like when you're married. How about living together first and seeing how your relationship functions alongside both your careers?

I agree, communication between you sounds a bit muddled, but again if you're not living together you're relying on phone/text etc.

Like Skoda, I'm wondering if you're not putting the cart before the horse a little bit...things will become eminently clearer once you're living together, and seeing how things go then.
If you really feel he could be the one, then maybe have a real go at living together, then you can figure out when/if to get married