AIBU? Don't want fiance to work away :(

[MissWeasley]

Hello,

Just after some advice really.

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. We live about an hour and half from each other, both live up north. His job is in IT Consultancy so he was away a lot in our first 2 years of dating. He was down London on weekdays so I only really saw him one day a week on Saturdays. I was ok with this but 6 months into our relationship, I started to fall for him and miss him.

I told him, that if this leads to a long term relationship e.g. marriage, I don’t want a part time husband or be effectively a single parent, living up here by myself whilst you are away Monday-Friday. So I rather us end it now, as that was not what I envisioned marriage to be like and not something I could cope with. I said however, I’d move closer to him up North so I’d be leaving my friends and family behind. He agreed and promised me he didn’t want the neither, followed by telling me he loved me for the first time and swore that he would never want that neither. So I carried on with the relationship, happy with the answer.

So 2 years after our relationship, he gets a job closer to home, and said he’ll be based here. He said that he did this for me and asked me to marry him a while after. I was so happy! I said yes. I started seeing him 2-3 times a week because I was still working and had a good career myself and we agreed we’d look for a place halfway, closer to our wedding day so we can move in and both still carry on with our careers.
In his new job, he gets paid quite well; he took a pay-cut but only a couple of thousand. I get paid quite well so it wouldn’t have mattered really. He has however been complaining to his manager over the lack of work he’s been getting. He is one of those, he likes to keep busy. I thought, you are getting paid a lot to do easy work and no stress, what’s the problem? But he doesn’t like the day going by without having stuff to do and he thinks it’s not good for his career. So anyway, he kept complaining to his manager. His manager has now offered to send him to London for a project!!!

He was shocked, and wasn’t expecting it...I was shocked because I assumed this new job didn’t involve going away and he was permanently based here. He said, its still contract work but he assumed he would be based here for years too. He turned the project down, which resulted in his manager getting angry because he’s complaining about lack of work and now he won’t take this project. My fiance is still on his probation, and they didn’t seem happy with him at all. So he thinks for him to keep his job, he needs to go.

Upset is an understatement right now. Because if this was a one off, I’d be ok because we are not married yet (Next March is our wedding day) and he’d be there 4 months minimum.

However, now he’s saying he cannot guarantee if they won’t send him off again and he will make that decision when we are married, we are not married yet so he should go on these projects.

So to me that sounds like, if we are married, he’ll decide then if he wants to go away like it’s a option?

What about leaving me by myself? What about when we have kids? Am I supposed to look after them by myself? I don’t have much family.

Am I being selfish??

I really want him to do well in his career but not the expense of our relationship. I’d only see him Friday night to Sunday night.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am making him choose but I personally, wouldn’t think being a part-time wife/mother was even an option for myself and I thought he thought the same hence why I carried on with the relationship.
He’s really upset that I am making an issue of it because he loves me so dearly and I should be supportive and understanding but I just don’t want a part-time husband :(

I hate his job :(

I'm surprised at some of the replies on here.

OP there is nothing wrong with you not wanting him to work away. I couldn't do it. I could never be with somebody who worked away all the time or somebody in the army etc. Some can handle it some can't.

My dh works away and comes home eow, it's not easy but I take offense at you suggesting that situation makes me a part time wife, and worse, him a part time father.

Oh come on! It Sounds like your nit picking or the OP has hit a nerve here.
Jeez she didn't say every woman is a part time wife if their husband works away! She said that's how SHE would feel. I would also feel the same if I only saw my husband at the weekends

Forces wives deal with this stuff all the time similarly wives up and down the country take responsibility for the children whilst the man works away etc.

Yes except the difference is women who get with these men know from the very beginning they will be away most of the time.
The OP however told him she couldn't deal with it if that's how it was going to be. He promised it wouldn't. You cannot compare the forces to this.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable.

There's nothing wrong with him wanting to do well in his career. But I do think it's unfair that he promised that life wouldn't be that way but it is exactly that way.

You have a few choices.
Either move around with him. Accept that this is how it's probably going to be and live your life with him working away every now n then. Or walk away.

It could be many years before you have kids so I don't understand why him working away now to build up his career and savings is such a problem.

I think you do need to have a chat about what you both want in the future though and be really clear with him if you expect him to work locally if you ever have young kids.

You also need to think about a sensible place to base your family where both of you can minimise your travel time to work. Sadly there are more opportunities in IT in the south- you haven't said what your career is- so look for somewhere with easy access.

Op tbh if you are considering becoming a sahm you will probably be loosing leverage in your preferences regarding his job.

I think that you're being unfair. If that's what it takes for him to progress which it sounds like he wants, and there's no reason he shouldn't do it (other than you not wanting him to) then yabu.

My dh works in London every second week. We live in Scotland. We have a baby and I work 4 days a week in a high pressure job. We have no support locally. It's hard work but totally doable. We Skype, I'm organised, we prioritise family time at weekends. It's important for him to progress his career and for me to resume mine and so it's the only option. Loads of us to it, you could too.

Sure bear she could do it, but she's made it abundantly clear she doesn't want that kind of life! OP I applaud you for knowing what you want. So many of us sleepwalk into situations we'd never choose in the beginning.

I think you are right to think ahead.Your career will suffer if you are the only one doing the balancing of work & home life.

My DH is away alot and it has crept up rather than a joint decision. It caused lots of conflict as I couldn't do my senior job and be the person on call for the children.Many times I had the school ring and have to drop out of meetings because DH was too far away.It really does impact your job if its only you on call.

We have resolved it, mostly but it has taken years.When the children were younger he rarely stayed away, not sure I would have coped.

My job is very specialised. I have a very good job which is not stressful and pays well - that's hard to come by in my sector so I don't want to give it up and I don't really need to. It can fit into my home life etc.

Ideally I couldn't be a SAHM because I earn similar to him. E.g let's say I earn £30k, he earns £33k. It would be a huge loss in income.

I think my salary would be similar down south but the cost of living is so much more down there.

I can't move down south as his permenant base is up here in the north. So we cannot live around those areas down south if he could be up here for 4 months too.

Plus he refuses to move down there, more so than me. He likes where he lives.

He also is very clingy when he goes away. He's constantly contacting me more as he's alone and misses me more plus I think he's afraid that I might be out meeting someone else who is around. So I'm constantly talking to him which makes me miss him and just wish he was up here laying on the sofa or something instead!!

I get stressed and worried easily, it's just the person I am. It's ok now but I don't know if I could manage if kids were around. Maybe I'm worrying too much of what it'll be like, when it could be fine.

He wants to have kids as soon as we get married. So that's why, we are neither young. Early 30s.

If we were younger or he wanted kids later, it wouldn't bother me that much as I know he'd get this out of his system.

He's only been in IT for 2 years, he got into it later in his career because he had a career path change.

Which is a shame because if he started younger, I think he could have got far because he's very ambitious.

I really want him to do well and go forward in his career.

But I also want a partner who's around more, who I can wake up to and who I look forward to coming home from work and he's there.

He's my best friend, my everything so being away from him is hard.

Just living by myself Mon-Fri sounds lonely and daunting. It's ok now because I have my best friends and family around but when I move closer to him, that won't be the case.

He needs to understand that he may have to sacrifice some of his ambition if he wants children with you. Is he really willing to do this? Will the 4 month stint be a one off?

You are entitled to want the sort of relationship you describe, but you need to establish whether it is possible with this man.

I do understand where you're coming from, but I do think you're being selfish and a bit childish.

We have a 10 month old and my DP works away quite a lot, his head office is in the US so he spends some time over there too.

It is hard. It is hard for us all. Me because I want him here. Him because he wants to be here. More inportantly, our DD because se misses him and the older she gets, the more she will miss him. But we have a life to pay for and if he was to change job, which he regularly thinks about, it would mean a whole heap of change all around and our lives would be more difficult.

I implore you not to call him a part time dad/husband. That is so offensive. If I referred to my DP as a PT dad he would be distraught. He would prefer to be at home, just as I'm sure your DP would, but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to so the bills are paid and you're not living on the breadline. I've been there. It's hard.

It is something you get used to. But if you don't think you can, get out now so you don't make his life a misery by complaining each time he is sent away to work. You know what you're potentially getting into so the ball is in your court.

I agree with 780 gig. I don't think you are being childish. I think you are being realistic.

I think you are right, there are a lot of people on mn who put up with less than ideal circumstances wrt work family balance. Just because some of them manage it, albeit saying its hard, doesn't meAn it's right for you.

I managed in difficult circumstances when my kids were younger. I'm hoping that things will be different this time round with my new partner. I'm older, and more realistic now.

An attitude of 'it.'ll be fine, we'll just get on with it' can get you a long way, but I prefer to make the present less stressful, Instead of making sacrifices for a future which may never materialise.

fearless it's hardly nit picking, it was one of her summarising points. She didn't say she would feel like one, she said being one wasn't an option for her. As she has now said it was in gest, really a non issue to me now.

Op. It is hard being married to a contactor, but I don't think you can hold him to something he said 6 months into your relationship (6 months into mine I still wouldnt 'pass wind' in front of him, oh how pregnancy changed that), risking future resentment or being married to a miserable man I imagine would be worse.

If things do end up going the way you dont want them to, try to see things from his perspective (away from family, no home cooked meals, stuck in the city fumes) as if you just think about how hard things are for yourself it doesn't make for a strong partnership.

Jesus wept - if you don't want to be in a long distance / working away from home OP there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that. It doesn't matter if 1000 other women post on this thread that they are cool with this - you're not.

*situation

I've spent a lot of time away from DH. He was forces but now has a good job 2 hours from where we live n London. It's not ideal and he s looking for a job in London...mad really that we have a nice big house here and he rents a dull tiny flat elsewhere. Which costs a lot of money. I'm used to it, but he knows that the next job needs to work for all of us. Transitioning from the forces isn't that easy.

OP I do think you are being a bit precious now, but I can't imagine that you'd be happy with my life 20 years down the road. If you live him, there needs to be understanding and compromise.

It is not just working away that might mean you aren't going to get the home every night by 6 lifestyle, I have many friends whose husbands work in the City or as lawyers, not all in London and they work incredibly long hours and often don't see the children in the week. If you want to be with someone who is on a professional career track, or you are yourself, then there may be a time where that increase in hours is fairly inevitable. I'm an academic and many academics live away from their partners because the chances of getting two academic jobs in the same place is low. So, for us, not living together for part of the week is probably fairly normal though I get it isn't for other people.

People in the UK work the longest hours in Europe, 'doing well' in your career probably will mean working long hours at times and possibly working away, especially in contracting.

Of course you don't have to be with him, but I have to be honest, when I fell in love with my now husband, things like working out the logistics of our relationship were secondary - and if you felt like you had to be with him more than anything on this earth, then you would be looking for ways round that, move down to the South, him working 4 long days a week, 3 day weekends, only taking 4 months in any 12 months out of the north and so on. The fact that you aren't doing this and that you think if you leave this relationship that you will find another career oriented guy in his thirties who will be around a lot helping with the kids/evenings relaxing - it might happen, it might not, I think it's slightly telling that this is becoming a deal-breaker for you.

Woah, this thread is all very 1950s!

OP's concerns about whether he'd compromise his work and travel if they have DC, when he won't do so now, are valid and understandable.

How many men do we see caring for DC, running the home AND working while their partners travel for work: very few! Yet a woman who doesn't want this set up for her future is labelled as precious, selfish and "young". Sexist.

There are shedloads of IT jobs based in the north - see the Tech Nation report for a start.

Something wrong here - contractors don't have 'probation' and they get to choose what projects. I am a contractor and work with lots of IT contractors.

But, in general, yes, he and you need to decide which is most important. dp works in an IT role where he gets deployed away from home, he'll have been to the US one week every month from May to Aug, and this includes a weekend each time. I work away in London each week, often stating away
We've just learnt to live with it though it gets on our nerves at times. We're both in our forties so probably a bit over the idea that we need to be together all the time

*Woah, this thread is all very 1950s!

OP's concerns about whether he'd compromise his work and travel if they have DC, when he won't do so now, are valid and understandable*

Totally agree.

Been there done that. Seen my DH getting the balance wrong and everyone else picking up on what should be his responsibilities.

Then the shock of losing his dad last year, a re-evaluation of his life as he realised, just as when he lost his mum, he'd not had time to see his dad as much as he should have and now feels guilty.

Cue drooping the extra hours to match others of his level and the realization that management haven't even noticed!

Just wanted to say I don't think you are being unreasonable either OP. I couldn't have the lifestyle you are worried about either. Some posters are talking about how their DHs working away keeps them in the positions they are in seem to be missing the fact that you earn nearly as much as him i.e. you'd be bringing in nearly half the income as well as taking full responsibility for the house and any potential children Mon-Fri whereas his contribution would just be half the income. That hardly seems fair.

What would worry me most by this arrangement though is how your career would suffer if you were solely responsible for childcare while he gets to put his career 1st monday to friday. Doesn't sound like there would be much room for a partnership or for your own ambitions to be considered. I think you need to talk about how he intends this would pan out in the future should you have children and you also want to progress in your career.

If he's only been in IT for a couple of years then he really does need to build up another 3 or 4 years working at this level. Depending on which area he works in he could then look for a job based up North with more flexibility, lots of IT jobs allow for part of the week to be worked from home.
The PP who said that in IT you focus on career for a while, step back while the kids are little, then get back on career progression had it spot on.
I'm not going to comment on whether the situation is right for you, that's a decision for you to make, just commenting on the reality of his career.
Btw, as a manager, if I had a fairly new employee who complained about not being given challenging work, then complained when they were given a new opportunity, I'd probably not put them first in line for the next one.

My husband works on the moon and comes home for a night every 4 years. We have 10 children. What are you moaning about OP?

OP I sympathise, and I think your concerns are valid and merit a proper discussion.

But I also think you're trying to have your cake and eat it, too, and you're only just realising it might not be possible.

I really want him to do well and go forward in his career.

But I also want a partner who's around more, who I can wake up to and who I look forward to coming home from work and he's there.

Ideally, that's what everyone wants. But most of us compromise somewhere:

• lower cost of living/housing // better job opportunities and better pay
• prioritise your career // better work-life balance
• live close to family // go where the work is
• both partners working and progressing in their careers // raising kids, preferably by sharing the burden equally

etc.

Very few people can have it all. The rest of us prioritise.

I think you're at a point where you need to decide what is an absolute dealbreaker, and what are the things you could learn to live with.

It's a difficult decision, and the conclusion may well be that you're unsuited to each other as a couple. But it has to be done.

And, more likely than not, it's an ongoing negotiation and adjustment process, rather than a one-off "promise". You need to be prepared for circumstances to change and adapt to them.

Good luck.

It's difficult op, especially if you have limited support around you and you are the type of person who won't like it. Of course on one level it's fine, we make it work, we love him, I'm so wonderfully independent and fulfilled on my own ????blah blah blah. But on the other hand I do feel it's crap. Good luck, I hope there is a compromise to be found.

Prior to having the kids I would ha e been OK if DH needed to work away. Now the kids are here I could not have done this without him. I work 4 days a week (since dc2 arrived 8 months ago, worked FT after dc1), and am run ragged as it is and that is with a hands on husband.

If he suddenly decided he needed to work away for weeks at a time, he would need to decide whether he wanted that or our marriage.

OP YANBU but you cant ask someone to change. They are who they are and you have to decide whether you want to be with them or not.

I don't think you (or he?) actually understand what job he is currently in. Is he working as a permanent employee of a consultancy firm? (Or what I like to call - having done it - the worst of both worlds). If so, you get a permanent salary but are expected to have the infinite flexibility of the contractor. When you have a new marriage and young children, I would advise anyone in IT to choose either to be a contractor, and thus be able to take periods of time off work between gigs, or take a permanent job where the work is in one place. I did the latter when ds was very small, now I do the former.

Am I right in thinking you don't actually live together yet? I think you probably need to address that first as you may find that highlights areas of incompatibility you aren't yet aware of (obviously it might not!).

It's now becoming more common, particularly in the kind of public sector IT that I do, for guys to be taking jobs and making choices that prioritise their families, so he won't be the only one in that situation. You need to get to the bottom of his current employment status, though. If he's a contractor (which seems unlikely given they seem to have him under-utilised) he can look for something else in the region where you want to be. If he's a permie in a consultancy he needs a proper discussion with you (and his boss) to understand how much time might be spent in the home base and how much on client site. We were expected to be on client site (in other countries in Europe) 5 days a week, often 5 full days so travelling done in our own time. DH (who I met on one of these assignments) and I have always been clear that we would never go back to that lifestyle once we had children, having seen many marriages falter as a result.

More recently I was a home-based permie in a consultancy but the work was never more than a few days a week on site. I'd reached a level of seniority where I could basically say what I would and wouldn't do, however. (As had all the men around me - my male boss was p-t as his wife was a high-flying exec who was often out of the country for days at a time). Your DP isn't at that stage yet or even near it, so he needs to be pragmatic - his ambitions need to be weighed against his - and your - other priorities. If he needs to spend a few more years focusing on his career, that's fine, but it sounds as if you are at different stages of your life in that case.