Effect of destructive man on child - info?

[TigersEyeNarrowed]

Hello

Please could you help me find some online information on this, I can't seem to find the right sort of thing.

By way of brief background (I can't possible include everything in my OP & haven't decided if I am ready to divulge details. I may later so please do not accuse me of drip-feeding, it is somewhat inevitable).

I have been working through Lundy Bancroft's book 'Should I Stay or Should I Go', it has been illuminating to say the least & has finally enabled me to put my finger on what is wrong with my marriage. My DH is the 'perfect storm' of immaturity, addictions (alcohol, gambling, gaming, cigarettes, porn), mental health issues (I suspect the addictions anesthetize him from facing the effects of the chaotic, neglectful & traumatic childhood he had); and some abusive vales, his compass is off. To be clear, he is not physically abusive but has some very strange values on punishment/discipline of children, I think due to his childhood when fear & the threat of the belt reigned.

I am in the process of writing the letter to my DH detailing all the ways his behaviour has been damaging.

There are some things my DD does that I know can be perfectly normal development stuff, but I am now wondering, how she is being affected by his behaviour - this is where I need some help - I would like to do some reading on the effects of living with a father with destructive personality is known to have on a child to see if anything matches up.

One of the things DD does is talking a lot in a baby voice. She also tells me she doesn't like him & he is scary. (Tricky to know how much to read into this as she also says I am scaring her when I use my 'very stern' voice).

Going out now, but back later.

Thanks

"contacted the alcohol support service I sent him a link to on Tuesday" he really has to be the one seeking help. you cannot do it for him. he isnt your child.

worrying about trips to the zoo is pointless really - you are falling into trap of saying well he is nice some of the time...if he steps up on his own then there will be time to go to the zoo. contact center would be short term if he proved himself to be well behaved and appropriate with dd.

if he plays monsters nicely for six sessions straight then yes he will be then allowed to take her to the zoo...would he manage to keep it up ?

Having been in a similar situation, I want to acknowledge your concerns about future contact as legimitate. I left exH 6 years ago, during which time he's had lots of unsupervised contact which I haven't had much choice about. There have been ongoing concerns about his treatment of dd, which have been looked at lots of time by social workers and in court. Contact is now supervised - I don't yet know for sure if the supervision will be a long-term arrangement. It is legitimate to worry about this.

Even based on this experience, I still say a very heartfelt "leave". These are the reasons why I think it is the only thing to do:

• It frees up your emotional energy to be the best parent you can be, so your dd has at least one really strong parent. I thought I was doing a reasonably good job as a mother before I left, but I only realized afterwards how ground down I was. Now I'm less preoccupied and more open to dd's emotional needs, and more available simply to have fun with her.

• You can create a home life that is a real contrast to your ex's: she'll live in a place where people treat each other with kindness and respect. A better template for her future. You can't do this in the same house as him.

• If you're lucky, he might decide not to get too involved with your dd after the split. Alternatively, a court might be prepared to put in place conditions for unsupervised contact (eg. showing his addictions are under control) and he may not be willing/able to comply.

• If he does have unsupervised contact and it all goes pear-shaped, there will be possibilities to address it. You know what he's like, you're on the alert, and there is stuff you can do. When you get to that point, talk to the school, talk to Children's Services. If contact is proving significantly harmful, it can be stopped. It's not easy, but it is possible.

Totally agree with getting legal advice about how to get your concerns on record now.

Oh, and don't worry about posters who says you don't sound concerned enough. It helps to go into a quite detached, clinical state to cope with the mechanisms of leaving an abusive relationship. You can allow yourself the luxury of emotions later on.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies, I am reading them and the reading, I have spoken to nspcc

I appreciate that you are dealing with the FOG, that you are researching, reading, and coming to terms with this. But my reaction to your op is one of horror. Everything appears to be so measured and reasonable, but I interpret your little girl's reactions to him, as you have described, to be borne out of fear. She is scared of him.

I cannot see any reason not to instigate a split from him right away. I would bump up going to see a solicitor to the top of your list.

On the fog website there is a lot of information about the effects on kids. My eldest daughter has read it. She was so amazed to find such a perfect description of her dad. She's only 10 and I have been slated for encouraging her to read it. She went through it with her stepdad and we have all discussed it. But not endlessly. Despite criticism it has been very empowering for her. And has helped her decide how she wants to tackle the relationship at the moment.
I felt the same as you and one of the things that stops you leaving is this fear. But its unlikely to be more damaging to her than staying. All these things are steps along the way. What happens next will be one step. And that will change over time.