Effect of destructive man on child - info?

[TigersEyeNarrowed]

Hello

Please could you help me find some online information on this, I can't seem to find the right sort of thing.

By way of brief background (I can't possible include everything in my OP & haven't decided if I am ready to divulge details. I may later so please do not accuse me of drip-feeding, it is somewhat inevitable).

I have been working through Lundy Bancroft's book 'Should I Stay or Should I Go', it has been illuminating to say the least & has finally enabled me to put my finger on what is wrong with my marriage. My DH is the 'perfect storm' of immaturity, addictions (alcohol, gambling, gaming, cigarettes, porn), mental health issues (I suspect the addictions anesthetize him from facing the effects of the chaotic, neglectful & traumatic childhood he had); and some abusive vales, his compass is off. To be clear, he is not physically abusive but has some very strange values on punishment/discipline of children, I think due to his childhood when fear & the threat of the belt reigned.

I am in the process of writing the letter to my DH detailing all the ways his behaviour has been damaging.

There are some things my DD does that I know can be perfectly normal development stuff, but I am now wondering, how she is being affected by his behaviour - this is where I need some help - I would like to do some reading on the effects of living with a father with destructive personality is known to have on a child to see if anything matches up.

One of the things DD does is talking a lot in a baby voice. She also tells me she doesn't like him & he is scary. (Tricky to know how much to read into this as she also says I am scaring her when I use my 'very stern' voice).

Going out now, but back later.

Thanks

Oh, and when I told dd1 that daddy was moving out she said 'don't worry mummy, he was grumpy anyway', I knew then that there was no going back, the dc's were not sad at all about him leaving.

My dd2 said something similar shortly after our split.

She said 'now we won't have a low down [reference to my exh's permanent position lying prostrate on sofa in front of TV] grumpy daddy and I'll have you all to myself'

Children see and feel so much of the emotional dynamic in the home. It's often only apparent after the split.

He watched porn while your DD was in the same room? Next step wanking in front of her? FFS. That is sufficient, on its own, for leaving him in my book. It's abusive and utterly unforgivable. I actually feel physically ill at the thought. Protect your darling d and get her away from him.

Regarding contact / supervised / reporting to GP/SS - Well I feel very shaken & confused, I thought I had a handle on this and a plan of action.
Of course I want to protect my DD if it is required, but on the other, I'm worried I am over-reacting, what if I get this wrong, that would be terrible of me and hurt them both. The thought of them having to do contact in a contact centre is so sad. I know he will be devastated, he loves her although he does not parent well.

The thought of involving GP/SS scares me

Why would anyone watch porn in a situation where they were unable to wank? I mean what's the point?

And that of course is leaving aside the whole possibility of the child skipping over and seeing what's on the screen

"Of course I want to protect my DD if it is required, but on the other, I'm worried I am over-reacting, what if I get this wrong, that would be terrible of me and hurt them both"

He has not given a fig about hurting the two of you though; the two people whom he is supposed to love and cherish above everyone else. How does he love her exactly?. He cannot parent her at all and she has adopted her own tactics here to deal with what is happening at home. He has no idea at all what a mutually loving relationship actually is because no-one ever showed him.

And how do you think you could be possibly over-reacting here? Your man is an abuser and is very much a product of his own upbringing. Many people as well have rotten childhoods and they certainly do not behave in the ways that your H has done; they actively seek to not continue the abuse cycle.

He has also never been your project to rescue and or save.

Why does the thoughts of either the GP or Social Services scare you. They are not necessarily going to come in and take your child away; they will work with you instead. They are not the bogey men here; your H is.

Your job here amongst many is to protect your child and at this present moment you are still there with him. Therefore you are not doing this effectively.

You have a choice re this person; your DD does not. She has to follow your lead.

Attila is right, you need to put your dad first, how old is she? Do you want her growing up thinking this is a expectable way for a man to treat his family? For me this is what made my mind up, I didn't want my dd's thinking 'this is what marriage should be like', I don't want them to except anything but the best when they meet someone, I don't want them thinking it's ok for a man to speak to a woman like a piece of shit.

You don't need to worry about hurting him ( it's not your problem ), your dd won't get hurt, you will be making a better life for her, improving the environment she's growing up in.

There's no obligation to involve SS if you don't want to.

But I think you should tell your GP. You need to have a record of it.

It doesn't have to be a contact centre, it could be supervised at a relative's house, for example.

Essentially, you have detailed 2 incidents that are very concerning that indicate he is not competent to parent unsupervised. You are not wrong.

It would be far, far sadder for your dd to be exposed to dh's porn habit, aggression and anger with nowhere to run, than seeing her father in a safe place. Your priority should be to protect her.

Dd, not dad

why would a contact center be sad?
surely much better as monitored and controlled.

contact center i used was v pleasant like a local library toy s and games. but run down but safe. your dd will be much happier going to a contact centre where her dad is supervised and watched than visiting him ina luxury pad where she can be on teh receiving end of abusive behavior.

your dd will be far happier visitng him in a place where she knows there is another adult supervising than visiting him in his home where there is no one to step in.

please rethink contact centres. they are not sad!

dd: "mummy i am scared to see daddy
you: dont worry there will be another adult there and if you are worried you go to them
dd ok

the fact that she was pinned down by him screaming for you and you weren't able to intervene (why? what were you scared of?) means you staying there is far more worrying.

also please don't be naive enough to think he wont ever lash out and be violent. he is an addict. you really cannot predict his actions faced with eg you saying you leaving.

"he has admitted he is an alcoholic & is going to get professional help"
when?
did he make the call there and then?

has he gone to GP and admitted he needs help?

and...he may need to be away from you and dd while he does get treated. withdrawal could be hard. whichever way you look at it, if he is going to get help and change he needs to do it elsewhere.

Our upbringing is so important. It's shapes us, it can make or break us.

I personally don't think you need to be researching the effects of abuse on your dd as much as you need to be researching how to move out, away from the abuser.

He is home now, him and DD are currently out in the garden playing monsters having a great time. I guess contact centre I am thinking they will miss out on the good stuff as well as the bad. No day trips to the zoo etc.

I don't know much about how contact centres work, aren't they just a short term measure?

I would not want visits supervised by one of his relatives! They are all the same!

Can I talk to the nspcc anonymously?
I might talk to my gp, will she report this to ss?

You're focusing on the wrong thing , contact etc can be worked out at a later date. A fun game in the garden doesn't cancel out his previous behaviour which is all kinds of wrong.

Talk to NSPCC, that's a good idea.

GP may report it yes, because it's a child protection issue.

Supervised contact is not necessarily forever.

I think it's more important not to be physically or sexually abused than it is to go to the zoo personally. You can take her.

Obviously, I am just sad at the good bits she will be missing, doesn't mean I cannot do the maths.

Re contact, am i focussing on the wrong thing? Don't I need to do any reporting/ logging of behaviour in advance of breaking up? I want to have all the information and a plan, its just my way.

She says she doesn't like him and she's scared of him. I would focus on the bad things she will protected from, rather than the good things that you can do with her so she won't miss out.

You should do all the reporting before you break up, yes.

I would be surprised if the GP reported from what you've described.

But it doesn't mean you shouldn't leave. You certainly should. It just means that there's an awful lot of low-level emotional abuse/bullying of kids about by their parents. You should still leave.

Ok, please help me, I need a To Do List & what order the things have to happen in, I have got so far:

Phone NSPCC to talk things through
Phone Domestic Abuse line to get names of solicitors (my current solicitor may be able to deal. I have had a consultation about divorce, but not brought this stuff up as I was still too confused myself)
Get meeting with solicitor to talk through plan of action, that may then lead to include Doctor appointment to tell everything about me & DD.
Get a meeting with mortgage consultant to sort out the house (I want to buy him out)
Then tell him

Anything else?

I just asked him if he contacted the alcohol support service I sent him a link to on Tuesday, turns out he thought I sent it to him for his brother! omg.

everything you listed and....

stop observing like some sort of dispassionate onlooker and start acting...this is your daughter

See a solicitor is job no.1

Also look into benefit entitlements, maintenance payments, tax credits etc.