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Original poster

How much of a shit have I been?

31 replies

lemondust · 01/07/2015 20:39

She and I split middle of last year... Out marriage was over for a long time really but his sex texting put the nail in it really...

We both start seeing people around the same time at the end of last year - his lasted about 6 months but my relationship going from strength to strength. My new partner is understanding and lovely with my 3 kids.

Earlier this year I booked a holiday cottage for me and the kids. Early on my new partner said he would love to join us for a bit - great!! Then ex dh said he would probably stay for a night or two at the start on his way to start a tour of Britain visit of his mates. It was all kept quite loose but ex dh has a habit of making loose plans and then only firming them up in his own head!

Anyway I stupidly didn't think hid all through and asked partner how he felt about ex dh being there for the first few days - he was ok but said it felt a bit weird and would this be a regular thing. I thought about it reacted too quickly - calling ex dh to say I didn't think him coming was a good idea. He has had a total meltdown about it and accuses me of putting new partner ahead of the kids. I backed down and said why not come for one night but he has now said no way is he coming at all - keeps accusing me of being a fucking bitch.

For the record j arranged and paid for tbis holiday. I feel it was only ever a conscience to him. He hasn't arranged or even mentioned taking the kids away himself and usually only sees them at weekends when I pre-arrange it.

I guess I have put my new partners feelings up there (I still don't think ahead of the kids) but is that so bad? We've been together 10 months

OP posts:
Original poster
lemondust · 01/07/2015 20:41

Rubbish typing - sorry on phone!!! Good luck making it through that jumble!!

OP posts:
rumred · 01/07/2015 20:43

This is about you. Your ex clearly can't be civil so don't go along with stuff to keep the peace, it usually backfires. Having exes hanging around is rarely a good thing.

scallopsrgreat · 01/07/2015 20:44

So lets get this straight. He butts in on a holiday you've arranged (and paid for) and then calls you a fucking bitch for saying no?

This has got nothing to do with your partner (or your kids). It's about you laying down boundaries and him wanting to ignore them.

You, of course, are not being unreasonable. He, of course, is. In fact just calling you a fucking bitch is unreasonable. No matter what you may have done.

NaiceNickname · 01/07/2015 20:44

Well, what about your kids? Are they old enough for you to ask what they'd like? Would they be happy for their dad to come for a couple of days?

They are the ones whose feelings you should be prioritising imo.

NaiceNickname · 01/07/2015 20:46

posted way too soon, bloody chubby fingers!

But, saying that - itbisnyiuebhokoday, that you booked and paid for and you're entitled to invite and uninvited whoever you want. Especially when they start getting verbally abusive. Can't say it's my idea of a great holiday having my ex gatecrash!

scallopsrgreat · 01/07/2015 20:46

No. She does not have to have him come on any holiday she's arranged, no matter what the kids think.

scallopsrgreat · 01/07/2015 20:46

Sorry Naice x-posted!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 01/07/2015 20:46

You haven't been. You booked a holiday for you and kids. You and boyfriend agreed he could come for some of it.
Ex H then invited himself. .you mistake was nodding along with this, rather than saying " you can't stay at the cottage with me/ us. "
Don't back down, don't let ex call you names. Have a nice holiday.

NaiceNickname · 01/07/2015 20:46

*it is your holiday

I'm going to ice my fingers, swollen in the heat Grin

scallopsrgreat · 01/07/2015 20:48

Oh and if he was thinking about the kids he would have come for the one night like you offered. But no. He has to be in control

LovelyFriend · 01/07/2015 20:49

If he's going to behave like an entitled brat uninvite him and let his sort his own holidays with the dc.

XP used to try and but into our hols too until I said firmly no. This year he has got it together enough to take the dc to Disneyland Paris. No way he would have done that if I kept accommodating him.

Hassled · 01/07/2015 20:51

You've not been a shit at all. Flaky ex decides he may pop in en route to some mates to hijack a holiday you've booked and paid for, and has a hissy fit because you've prioritised new man. That's just what happens when a relationship ends - he needs to readjust his expectations. Have a nice time with kids and new bloke.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2015 20:57

tell the freeloading twat to fuck off

MatildaTheCat · 01/07/2015 21:04

And that's why he's an ex.

What an idiot but better to set boundaries now.mi completely understand you and your new partner don't want him there. It's part of the price of splitting up sexting other women that you miss family holidays.

He can save up and take his dc away on holiday,right? Or has he spent all his can't on the lads holiday. Hmm

Original poster
lemondust · 01/07/2015 21:05

Scallops - you are spot on! It's about control - always has been with him. Kids are 11, 7 and 4. 11 yr old is upset his dad is now not coming but the 7 yr old smiled when I told him his dad wouldn't be there. Ex h has a tendency to lose his temper quickly which causes upset.

I do feel he was totally freeloading and I honestly can't see a time when he will arrange something with all 3 kids.

I realised I had jumped the gun a bit and offered one night to keep ds1 happy (at the expense of making partner feel a little uncomfortable) but he replied "just fuck off".

Why do I still feel guilty!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lemondust · 01/07/2015 21:06

Maybe because I let ex h think he was coming and now I feel I have changed the rules

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2015 21:09

never mind that, you got wrongfooted by him (I don't imagine for the first time) but now order has been restored

you won't make the same mistake again...will you ?

Original poster
lemondust · 01/07/2015 21:11

I definately won't anyfucker - stupid mistake really. Aaah, go away guilt!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lemondust · 01/07/2015 21:11

Thanks for the replies.. I was expecting half to say that I shouldn't have changed the goal posts so late in the day

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 01/07/2015 21:14

Your ex is an arse, don't give him a second thought. He can take the kids away whenever he wants.

I'm a bit Hmm at your new boyfriend, though it's not clear whether he was just working out what he was letting himself in for, or not. Also Hmm that you seemed to have jumped at changing things because of new boyfriend. Even though cancelling ex was the right thing to do, you should do it because you choose to, not because new boyfriend makes you feel you should.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2015 21:16

when you are dealing with a player, the goalposts have to be moveable

bjrce · 01/07/2015 21:16

I can't for the life of me see why you are feeling any way guilty.
In short, Fuck him, let him sort out his own holiday with the DC. He is probably jealous that you have a new partner and just wanted to upset the mix.
In future, so there's no confusion let it be made very clear to him that he will not be invited on any of your holidays and you do not intend to go on any of his with the children.
Have to say, you new partner was more than fair in allowing the ex come for any amount of time, that wouldn't go down too well in the future. Go and enjoy your holiday! He's a big boy, he'll get over it.

Cabrinha · 01/07/2015 21:18

Totally disagree that the new boyfriend was being fair "allowing" the ex to come!!!

He has a right to an opinion - especially if it's a supportive one for a partner who isn't used to just saying FUCK OFF to an ex.

But in no way does a new boyfriend get to ALLOW it!

Her money, her family, her choice.

Can't stand my arse of an ex, but if there was ever a reason to invite him somewhere and my boyfriend thought he got to give permission for that, new boyfriend could duck off.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 01/07/2015 21:20

Because you still haven't shaken off the habit of appeasing your ex? Old habits die hard.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2015 21:21

I think the feeling guilty may be habit. You're so used to being blamed for everything. What you need is to unleash your inner bitch and try saying "no, that doesn't work for me" as the first reaction when your ex makes unreasonable requests and then maybe relent later on if, on reflection, it does work for you.