How much of a shit have I been?

[lemondust]

She and I split middle of last year... Out marriage was over for a long time really but his sex texting put the nail in it really...

We both start seeing people around the same time at the end of last year - his lasted about 6 months but my relationship going from strength to strength. My new partner is understanding and lovely with my 3 kids.

Earlier this year I booked a holiday cottage for me and the kids. Early on my new partner said he would love to join us for a bit - great!! Then ex dh said he would probably stay for a night or two at the start on his way to start a tour of Britain visit of his mates. It was all kept quite loose but ex dh has a habit of making loose plans and then only firming them up in his own head!

Anyway I stupidly didn't think hid all through and asked partner how he felt about ex dh being there for the first few days - he was ok but said it felt a bit weird and would this be a regular thing. I thought about it reacted too quickly - calling ex dh to say I didn't think him coming was a good idea. He has had a total meltdown about it and accuses me of putting new partner ahead of the kids. I backed down and said why not come for one night but he has now said no way is he coming at all - keeps accusing me of being a fucking bitch.

For the record j arranged and paid for tbis holiday. I feel it was only ever a conscience to him. He hasn't arranged or even mentioned taking the kids away himself and usually only sees them at weekends when I pre-arrange it.

I guess I have put my new partners feelings up there (I still don't think ahead of the kids) but is that so bad? We've been together 10 months

I was a bit like this, bent over backwards to accomdate exh, then suddenly realised one day wtf am I doing...!! Stopped there and then.

This is your holiday, you've paid for it, your DP has said he would like to come and that's great, time with your kids alone and time together as a blended family unit as well.

Fuck your exh, he can make his own arrangements, go, have a great time and don't give him a second thought, he doesn't deserve it.

I couldn't imagine my XP sorting stuff for himself and the DC too - but by cutting him out completely he has eventually come around so sorting out some stuff for himself.

This summer - nearly 3 years on - he actually has quite a lot planned for his 3 weeks with DC.

I get on really really well with my exH. He's a good reliable dad to my kids. We often have a beer or a coffee together when he picks up / drops off. He pays for his kids. He co-parents them completely. We have a laugh together and he likes and respects my new DP

And yet, depite all that, there is no way on god's green earth I would want him on holiday with us. It's weird he would even think it was a good idea

He sounds like an arse and YANBU (I know you didn't ask that but you know what I mean)

I have allowed this to happen and I agree with lovelyfriend - I need to pull back so he has to make plans. An example is its ds2 birthday the week after next. He never arranges any presents or proactively offers ideas. It's left to me to arrange and ask for half the money (since the split). This year he hasnt even mentioned ds2 birthday and I know he is planning on being away still.

My instinct is to be agreeable and do things together etc.
But what I have had to learn is this isn't possible with an EA person. When he tried to subject me to ongoing abuse after we had split I realised that this lovely agreeable friendly way of doing things, simply isn't possible with XP - well not unless I wanted my neck on the line again and again when he felt like lashing out.

So I chose complete withdrawal from engaging with him - which strangely makes him try and be a more reasonable person. And I get to keep all my power for me and the girls and give him none.

Sure it's fucked up - but so is he. Most important for me and the DC, it works.

If it works then that's great lovelyfriend!! I think a similar approach will work for me

I actually think ex dh is wallowing in the 'poor me' scenario. I am sure he has bitched about me all over the place to friends. But I need to keep remembering that I apologised, I offered an alternative and he said no out of bruised ego. So hardy putting kids first really either