Help me understand if i am the demon cow!!

[socksandsandels]

Ok, here goes, I am 39 yrs old, married 12 yrs, with 2 DC. For the last 2+ years our marriage has been struggling mainly due to my husband what I see it as a drug addiction (soft drugs but drugs all the same), it is an everyday habit. He also drink 2 - 3 cans every night.

We spoke previously about this he was going to change but same old story it hasn't happened and probably never will. I think I have probably switched off now but feel desperately sad what it has come to.

We still have a sex life but don't share a bedroom anymore.

I started a new jobs 6 months ago and it has opened my eyes as to what life really could be like instead of what we are like now.

Heres the horrible bit on my part, I have gotten friendly with a male colleague never any more that talking, general chit chat, nothing about relationships etc or sexual. But i feel incredibly guilty that im able to have a laugh with another male but not H anymore and that also has opened my eyes to how wrong things are in my marriage.

But i am so terrified of being without him at the same time, in a strange way he is like my crutch but im stepping away and realise i am capable of going alone, this makes me feel extremely sad for my family but i know he lies to me about how much he spends on drugs and uses.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

He does drive under the influence.

I've had 2 ex's who were pot addicts and I can say that, despite them telling me otherwise, neither were 'chilled' people. They used weed to chill themselves out, but that often meant they were really using it to shut down. Like your dp, when they didn't have any they were aggressive and uptight.

What really used to bug me was how they used it to opt out of everything, kind of like how you describe with the breakfast. Making a joint was like a ritual and would take them ages, make a mess all over the counter top which I would have to tidy up, and all where my dd could accidentally pick a crumb of it up. So whilst I was sorting everything out, they'd be making/puffing a joint. And blaming me for not being 'chilled out' like them. It's all a load of bollocks this whole pot=chilled out person. It's a crutch like any other drug. It makes someone very withdrawn and boring when they are stoned, and very pissed off when they can't get any. After both of these experiences I was determined to never, ever live with a pot smoker again.

Also, both of them slipped into small time dealing. So when they were getting their supply, they would get a few more bags and then sell them on to their friends.

And the last thing that used to bother me was that it just stinks. Everything stinks, them, their clothes, their hair, their breath, outside the house, the cupboard where they kept it. It made me feel sick to the stomach in the end!

I doubt you can stop his habit tho, it is so ingrained in him. Ime pot smokers put themselves on a pedalstal and think they are enlightened somehow and that everyone else should just 'chill' like they do. When really, they can only do that because someone is doing all the shit that they should be doing whilst they are busy rolling/smoking/chilling.

when it gets to the point of needing a drug/alcohol just to feel "normal" then you have slipped into addiction and it isn't "fun escapism" any more

and addicts will always prioritise their addiction over and above everything and everyone else

I would say finish with the other guy, or don't take it further. If you are separating from your DH in the near future another person being involved will be a big negative influence on your DH's attitude to the separation, your DC's attitude to the separation, any friends or family's attitude to the separation. All of which will make things more stressful and complicated for you imo. Plenty of time in the future for new relationships. You need space to sort out yourself and the DCs, having to consider another individual and their wishes and feelings in all this seems ill-advised.

And I would tell DH that you've had enough and you are seeing a solicitor and that he needs to move out.

If that doesn't have a miraculous change to his behavior (which is what you'd expect) and he carries on as usual, then you can start thinking about a divorce. Don't be influenced by any promises, he needs to change his behavior and seek treatment.

NorahDentressangle : There is absolutely nothing going on with the other guy, nothing more than a friend. I mention him to note that having very little experience with other men, I thought my H was normalish?? I have realised very quickly being out amongst other people in my new work place what we have in our relationship is far from normal.

I jokingly said to him last night, after a very long day! that I couldn't wait ti sit and relax, this was 9pm at night, I said maybe I should take smoking joints to get downtime and disappear to the shed for 20 mins at a time!

His response come out anytime!

Oh god! Just need to vent! I asked him where he had been tonight as I knew he was out of drugs, just at his brothers he said. Checked his phone he was ta his dealer, the bare faced lies!!

Sorry just want to vent, why does that not even bother me too much, its just normal behaviour? Why am I making this seem like a normal set up?

I don't think you can think it's that normal, deep down, if you are posting about it here. It sounds like you are seeing the whole situation through new eyes (and perhaps other people's eyes) and what you are seeing is perhaps a lot different than the normal family set up that you imagined you were in.

Apparently, more people are going into drug addiction services with weed addiction than opiate/heroin addiction now, unable to give up.

You don't sound ready to make this a deal-breaker though, and of course it is up to you.

OP my ex's day was very similar, it was all about the weed. Eventually I realised it was more important to him then our family and I left. I really don't regret it. It's not normal its a horrible way to live

Both kids in bed ages, H says we never spend time together, my fault seemingly as im always busy! Anyway, he is now choosing to spend his time outside smoking f'ing joints!! Im in a marriage with f'ing cannabis!!

Im sorry for the outburst but im really hurst at being made to feel the guilty one by him! He will not even come away with us for our hols as in his words " how will I get dope on the plane" !!

Im one big massive DOORMAT!!!

As long as he continues to smoke 5 or 6 joints a day, he will be emotionally absent. Until he stops that your marriage will be like it is.

He is unlikely to stop though.

You don't have a marriage. You are indeed married to cannabis.

Al-anon. Al-anon. Did you get that - al-anon.

Sorry to labour it but all you are going through is classic when in relationship with an addict. He is an addict. You poor thing, it is no life at all, utterly, utterly bleak. No wonder it is a revelation when you meet someone who isn't an addict and the difference is stark.

All-anon should address the guilt you feel, which is a symptom of codependence ie feeling responsible for others behaviour (very often an addicts behaviour). There is precisely zero you can do about his addiction - it all has to come from him. And by the sound of things he is not remotely prepared to do a single thing.

So sorry op. Your priority now is you, and your kids. He checked out long, long ago.

Or the other 'al'support groups for those in relationship with drug addicts. Apologies.