Help me understand if i am the demon cow!!

[socksandsandels]

Ok, here goes, I am 39 yrs old, married 12 yrs, with 2 DC. For the last 2+ years our marriage has been struggling mainly due to my husband what I see it as a drug addiction (soft drugs but drugs all the same), it is an everyday habit. He also drink 2 - 3 cans every night.

We spoke previously about this he was going to change but same old story it hasn't happened and probably never will. I think I have probably switched off now but feel desperately sad what it has come to.

We still have a sex life but don't share a bedroom anymore.

I started a new jobs 6 months ago and it has opened my eyes as to what life really could be like instead of what we are like now.

Heres the horrible bit on my part, I have gotten friendly with a male colleague never any more that talking, general chit chat, nothing about relationships etc or sexual. But i feel incredibly guilty that im able to have a laugh with another male but not H anymore and that also has opened my eyes to how wrong things are in my marriage.

But i am so terrified of being without him at the same time, in a strange way he is like my crutch but im stepping away and realise i am capable of going alone, this makes me feel extremely sad for my family but i know he lies to me about how much he spends on drugs and uses.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

If he stopped off in the pub for a couple of pints each day that'd be considered pretty routine.

Nope. Not in my house, and not in the houses of any of my friends who have children.

In fact I've only known a few people who hit the pub every day after work as a routine. And they all had drinking problems.

Your children likely know and have heard far more than you both care to realise. They certainly know you are not sharing a bedroom. What do you think you are teaching them about relationships here?.

Do you really want to show them this as an example of marriage? This is basically now a loveless marriage with substance dependency problems to boot, this could become their "norm" for them to potentially replicate as adults. Its no legacy to leave them.

Your Hs addictions are not your fault. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. His primary relationship is now with drink and drugs; its not you or your children. Alcohol too acts as a depressant and in any case he is likely to be self medicating as is badly underestimating how much he is drinking as well. If he is lying to you about how much he is using then what else is he lying about. He is taking family money to spend on his dependency.

The other man you write of has shown you what life could be like; you deserve to be respected.

I would also suggest you read the book called "Co-dependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

If he stopped off in the pub for a couple of pints each day that'd be considered pretty routine.

My brother loves a drink but not even he goes to the pub or drinks daily.

I dont think OP is on the road to an affair at all. She's actually getting a different taste of life and shes enjoying it. Being married doesnt mean she has to settle for a mediocre life.

schlong, what planet are you on? A nightly visit to the pub for two pints for a father of young kids is 'routine'?

I don't think so.

Not something most mothers would be happy with.

You're a minimiser.

OP, you are justified in feeling life has more to offer you.

Oh dear god. Just hit the report button folks.

OP you are not responsible for another adults drug dependency. Do what's best for you and your children.

He might not even describe himself as depressed just resents OP spoiling his 'down time'.

I know someone 40s, educated, charming - he always overdoes it these days unable to hold his drink as he used to and tells his DW to stop preaching because he doesn't lose the plot in front of their teens. Like Attila was saying upthread they're not as unaware as he thinks. Under strain? Under appreciated? No he is reliving his youth and wants to be 19 again. Only now he has money to indulge himself more.

OP doesn't sound as if your DH would respond well to any ultimatum. I imagine you have tried talking but he's not interested.

If it is a case of self medicating you still can't force him into stopping until he elects to.

Has he asked for help, has he said his evening routine is now something he'd rather not do?

On planet schlong 2 cans a night do not equate to alcoholism. In a pub or at home. Do a couple of glasses of the old mummy juice a night amount to alcoholism? Come on already. In that case we're all raging alkies and my oh is my enabler as he goes to the fridge for me when I'm busy with dc. The sanctimonious twoddle on here is frankly PC gone mad. Is he an abusive neglectful awful h and dad because of his dope smoking? Op didn't mention. And better to drink 2 cans a night than binging twice a week.

The 5-6 joints a day(is he unemployed?) are problematic and it would be interesting if op told of the impact on her relationship. My oh used to have a serious weed habit til he met me and I gave him an ultimatum. Hardly an enabler then.

Call it what you like, alcoholism, alcohol dependency, problem relationship with alcohol. Needing 2-3 cans per night is not healthy - physically or mentally. Refusing to give up even if it is causing problems in your relationship is a warning sign.

Not all alcoholics are sleeping under a bridge with a bottle of buckie in a brown paper bag. Plenty of alcoholics living perfectly respectable lives, hiding in amongst the non-problem drinkers and a society awash with alcohol.

He works, not a stressful job, very relaxed in fact. The first thing he does in the morning is smoke a joint. This then carrys on throughout the day/night.

He is problematic as when the weed is wearing off as his mood changes dramatically and at his own admission he is very paranoid.

If you are noticing all this then your children are doing the same.

Is this really what you want to be teaching your children about relationships OP?. They are learning a lot of damaging stuff from the two of you.

I agree they are learning negatives. What can i do to change it? Is the only way the negative way? He doesn't smoke in front of the kids, but of course a time will come they will realise it is drugs he smokes.

The 3cs are relevant here:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot change this

Currently you are acting out the usual roles such women play in these types of situations; namely those of provoker and enabler. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped, you must know that by now surely. You also need to let go of your so called crutch and indeed branch out without him; what you describe is co-dependency and its a very unhealthy state to be in when it comes to relationships.

What do you mean when you write is the only way the negative way?. Are you thinking that divorce is a bad thing to do here?.

It matters not a jot that he does not smoke in front of the children; that odour likely permeates throughout your whole house. He is putting alcohol and weed ahead of his family; he is dependent physically and mentally on both.

They see real relationship problems between the two of you at home; they certainly are aware that the two of you do not share the bedroom. They will not thank you ultimately for staying with him if you were to choose to (and you do have a choice re him) and could well accuse you of putting him before them. Your own relationship with them as adults could well be damaged further.

you can't change him or his behaviour - you either stay and tolerate it or leave. There is nothing else you can do sadly. And your kids will already be picking up on his mood swings.

It doesn't bother me if people smoke weed, it wouldn't bother me if my partner smoked it every rare occasion but it WOULD bother me if he was smoking that many joints a night!!
In all honesty I think the 2-3 cans a night on its own would bother me.

If you're unhappy then leave.
People change all the time and some relationships don't last. It's okay not to be happy with your husbands drug use. Even 'if' they are only "soft drugs".
It doesn't sound like you're having an emotional affair to me, but it does sound like this friend has opened your eyes to other ways and how things could be.

What do you want?

Im not sure what I want if im honest. My head is in a very big mess and I feel I cant breath. I have no time to really think about what is going on, I need space but I know this is not an option. He would never agree to a trail separation, he is all or nothing.

I think I may be a bit depressed also but don't want to go to the doctors as im scared if I tell what the real problem is they would involve SS because of the kids.

What's your financial situation? Do you have any family or friends you can confide in or get some support from?

I second the Al-Anon suggestion.

Ok op I apologize as from your post about his paranoia when weed wearing off I realize he does have a habit that's detrimental to his fam too. My oh had similar habit but I issued v simple ultimatum to him.

Thank you, I probably should have made it more clear in my first post but unfortunately I have only really began to open my eyes to the extent of the way we live is really not normal!

Example of a day is, joint on wakening, half joint 1 hour later. Joint mid morning, joint after lunch, joint mid afternoon, either half joint or full joint before tea and another after tea, joint early evening, joint few hours later and then another before bed.

Really not that normal, he never really seems completely high, just the edge is off things, if that makes sense.

Socks does he smoke it with tobacco? If so, he may be smoking as much for the nicotine as anything, or at least he will find it hard to just stop without addressing that. Your mention of paranoia is bad though. He does need to find a way to stop.

Could you go to the drs and just say your marriage is struggling and you feel down, rather than go into the ins and outs. Having said that, and this will not be a popular view, I am not sure SS would be terribly interested in dope smoking, even if it is more than ideal, however it would be awful to even be investigated, even if nothing came of it.

Yes he smokes with tobacco. Im sure he really relies on the drug, he is very short when it wears off and without a totally different person, I don't smoke at all so maybe it is a mixture of both tobacco and drugs??

Im not sure, what really can the doc do? Im not keen to get tablets myself as im scared I will end up needing them instead of realising the reality of things.

Agreed about Schlong - ridiculous comments. What kind of relationship can anyone have with someone who sits there stoned and pissed 7 nights a week? No company at all!

OP that's actually 9 joints a day from what you've written. That's a serious habit and it's going to be costing a serious amount of cash. Is that every day? Or just when he's not working? (I cannot fathom anyone being able to hold down a job when smoking this much, but I guess it depends on the job...)

What is your living situation OP? Do you rent or have a mortgage?

Drinking 2-3 cans a night schlong, if that is normal for you and your social circle, I'm guessing you also live in an area with low life expectancy and yes the 'mummy juice' or wine as adults tend to refer to it as is a problem. In fact the Public health are most concerned about middle class drinkers knocking back the wine every night in terms of the health effects it is having on the population. And calling it 'mummy juice'? You are regularly drinking wine around your kids? Another bad sign of a problematic relationship with alcohol IMO. Just because it might be normal to have a drinking problem where you are from it doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem. Going to the pub every day is normal?! Come on and ok fine it is 'better' than massive binge drinking at the weekend, it is still not fine and that pattern of drinking still causes people in their 30s and 40s to develop alcohol related illness so you may want to reflect on that in relation to your own lifestyle.

As for the weed OP, 1 joint 1 time would be too many for me. It does not matter if socially the drug is considered soft it is still illegal. He is either buying it from dealers who likely know where he lives or he is growing it himself which could lead to all manner of shit that will affect you and DC - for what?

He is spending family money on it, if he is dependent he will likely end up getting some on tic if he isn't already. He smokes all day so no-one sees him sober including people he sees for work purposes and his wife and children. Of course these are massive problems.

Alcohol and weed are both depressant drugs and they do have an effect on mental health. If someone is depressed they are very likely to make it worse. If someone is prone to psychosis weed may trigger that.

I agree with Attila though.

You can only control the impact his choices have on you and the DC. You can't make him make different choices and you should be wary of he promises to. He is already aware he has a family and he has chosen this lifestyle inspire of that so he clearly sees no problem with doing that.

This habit is everyday including working days, he has been smoking for 20+years so probably never really has that much of an effect.

I find for example, he wakes in the morning, will rarely speak to either me or kids, set about making a joint while I do the breakfasts etc, he will go smoke for 20 mins, then he is a different person. And that's the way it continues though out the day, he is just a lot less edgier when smoking.

On a Sat night he will take more with more lager as that's his weekend. It doesn't effect his job as the majority he works with smokes also.

Is he driving around stoned?