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Relationships

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Original poster

Great guy, butterflies, but when it comes to sex, part of physique putting you off. Can you move past it?

35 replies

Wondabraaa · 30/06/2015 09:16

I recently met someone online. We've been on 3 dates and each one of these was a day long. I get on so well with him, and we talk for hours on the phone in between meeting. I think he's really kind hearted, opinionated (too much sometimes but I still like it!), and really engaging to talk to.

But I don't fancy him. I don't think. He makes my stomach flip when I see him and when I see his message pop up I feel a bit giddy, but when we are together, I can't see myself ever going beyond the kissing stage. He's slightly overweight (I know this sounds terrible!!), and I've never been with someone like that before, I don't know if that's putting me off. When he kisses me he makes me want to go further (I wouldn't at this stage), but I know deep down that when my hands are around his waist etc it's a bit off putting. Im really not focused on looks at all so this has come as a surprise to me. I feel confused.

Do you think this can/will pass? Anyone been in this situation before?

OP posts:

Sickoffrozen · 30/06/2015 09:42

I think it's a contradictory post. You say you get butterflies and kissing him makes you want to go further. For me, that would be all that was required. Chemistry is key and you seem to have it. He may be the best lover you have ever had. A little bit of excess weight wouldn't put me off or are you being kind with that description?

It would be a shame to end something with a nice bloke because of this.

To be honest I find blokes in good condition more attractive visually but have found that many of them are absolute self obsessed tossers! They also tend to be appealing to lots of women too!

Original poster

Wondabraaa · 30/06/2015 09:48

Thanks for replying!

Yes I know it sounds contradictory, it's making me confused as well! I guess I am being a little kind.. You don't look at him and think he's fat, but he has a large stomach and it's very very far from being in good shape. I know it sounds terrible and like I am very superficial!

I do get butterflies and that's why I think there is chemistry. On our last date he wanted to go further and when we shared going down that route I just suddenly felt very un-attracted to him.

But there's definitely butterflies and attraction when we chat, I think he's sexy then. It's confusing!

OP posts:

DeanParrish · 30/06/2015 09:48

I so agree with Sick about attractive men...... and women.....

LikeIcan · 30/06/2015 09:53

Maybe you're just not ready to take it further regardless of his looks? but because he's got a slight fault you're focussing on that? - just a thought.

RainbowFlutterby · 30/06/2015 09:53

I worried about DP's tummy putting me off a little bit, but the butterflies and giddiness completely overpowered me!

I wouldn't have him any other way

Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/06/2015 09:55

I suspect you are thinking a lot about how others may perceive your overweight boyfriend. Only you know how much this matters to you, for some people it's not a deal-breaker, for others especially when younger, having a great body is an important part of the whole deal.

The only word of caution is that you don't stay young with your great body for ever. Out of my friends, I would say about 50% of their partners, who were once good-looking and fit, are now rather overweight middle-aged men. My husband is one of them. Of the others- there's only really one or two who are great for their age. Similarly, I was a size 8/10 fit girl when I met my husband in my early thirties, two children and a busy lifestyle later, I am distinctly wobbly and slightly overweight.

That's not to say you should go there if you don't want do- just don't. I have a friend who says she doesn't fancy her husband at all now he's 45 and with a pot-belly. You feel what you feel, but for me, it's all about the chemistry- if you get sparks and can't wait to see him, it seems at least worth checking this out.

RainbowFlutterby · 30/06/2015 09:59

Actually I think LikeICan has got a very good point.

You could be looking for a physical reason as to why you're not emotionally ready yet.

Original poster

Wondabraaa · 30/06/2015 10:02

Thanks everyone. I don't think I care what other people think at all, I really don't think it's that. I'm not sure. I think the poster above who said I'm not ready and looking for a reason might be right. Maybe I need to just give it time. I want to contact him already this morning so there's got to be somethjng there!!!

OP posts:

RainbowFlutterby · 30/06/2015 10:05

Enjoy the relationship for what it is and stop worrying about what it should be or might be.

I've been with DP for 4 years and he still gives me butterflies. It was a slow start too.

SaucyJack · 30/06/2015 10:12

Do you think you'd still be getting the butterflies when you hear from him if you had a more physically attractive man interested in you as well? Maybe you like him warts and all, or maybe it's a case of 'a bird in the hand'.

I don't think you're superficial btw. Something about him is telling you "nope" when you get in close, and even if it is his beergut that's a valid a reason as anything.

Joysmum · 30/06/2015 10:43

My dh is hugely overweight, I am too at times.

The thrill of being with him and his skills means his physique really isn't important.

When you are ready, give him a go as you might be very pleasantly surprised

DoorToTheRiver · 30/06/2015 11:05

I got together with a friend of mine a while back. He'd fancied me for ages but I didn't really see him that way. He's not overweight but not good looking. But, we had brilliant chemistry, he made me laugh and I liked spending time with him and I ended up really liking him even though I didn't really fancy him.

We eventually started seeing each other and I lust after him something crazy the sex is brilliant although I still can't say I really fancy him. It doesn't matter because I'm attracted to him and we have great chemistry. The looks really don't matter.

So go for it, better to regret something you did than wonder about the one that got away.

NoImSpartacus · 30/06/2015 12:06

My bf has a little belly and isn't really in shape really, but he is really attractive despite this and I fancy him rotten! I have a good body and look after myself, train a lot but I'm not repelled by men who don't.. I think sex appeal goes far deeper than a bit of a belly... but then there are bellies... and there are bellies...

Vivacia · 30/06/2015 12:09

I'm afraid that a flabby belly would put me off.

abbykins3 · 30/06/2015 12:15

I've never been in that situation and in fact if I felt like you do, there would not have been date's 2 and 3.

So there is something there.

If you can't go through with it make sure you let him down gently if you have too.

Could be good though!!!!

In time.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/06/2015 12:20

wonderbraa in that case, if it isn't about the superficial appearance, something is putting you off. I think it's ok to not want to go ahead with a relationship or have sex, even if you can't explain why (as he's nice, kind, etc). I also think the butterflies and excitement might be partly about having a date in general, which is exciting. If it is not exciting when you are actually with him looking at him, or you feel a bit icky when he slides his hands around your waist, then perhaps he's just not for you.

Three whole day dates is a reasonable amount of time I think to find some proper chemistry- if in the next one or two you still feel ambivalent, I would quit it whatever he seems on paper.

LoisPuddingLane · 30/06/2015 12:20

The older and flabbier I get, I realise a little bit of imperfection makes no difference to good sex. If you get butterflies, go for it.

And - I really shouldn't say this but it's often true - people who are really good looking and with really fit bodies often think that is enough - they don't have to put in any effort. Those of us who are a bit less than perfect work a bit harder in bed .

The worst sex I've had has been with really perfect looking people.

kavanaughkj · 30/06/2015 12:56

I have to say OP, I felt the same way you did when I first thought about getting intimate with my OH. He is such a lovely guy - the most beautiful eyes, and he makes me laugh so much - but there was a superficial part of myself I was very ashamed of that couldn't help judging him a bit for being overweight. My eyes were usually drawn straight to his stomach the moment he removed his shirt.

Well, he's been working on it. These days there's less belly than there was but he'll never be skinny, and the more I've gotten to know him the less the belly has been an issue. While I'd like for him to be a little more slimline for health's sake, it has much less effect on how I feel about him boudoir-wise. The love I see looking back at me from his beautiful eyes has a way of making everything else seem insignificant ... and I have nothing to complain about with regards to the way he treats me in bed - he is very generous. _ Also a total giggle - before I knew him I had no idea sex could actually be fun!

Give it time and enjoy yourself - you might find you start seeing him more and his tummy less. ;-)

5hell · 30/06/2015 13:49

wonda i have been in a similar situation, and i think the answer maybe that you're excited, nervous and over thinking it :)

when i met my now DH he was probably 6-7 stone overweight (for context i was a short size 8) and without knowing him i confess i might not have given him much of a chance. one drunken work night out we danced together, he was an amazing dancer and up close i realised had the most amazing eyes. after that night he decided to woo me (very romantic little gifts like note cards & stamps to keep in touch as i was leaving), we wrote to each other, spoke tons on the phone, had proper dates, lots of fun etc etc and i was always full of butterflies and so excited to see him

but i'd never been with a 'big' guy before and wasn't sure how that would affect sex etc, or as you say even where i'd put my hands when kissing etc.
but once we did get physical my worries dissapeared - he was amazing and giving in bed (and out).

he's now lost about 6 stone so funnily is soo different physically from the man i met and married! but it hasn't changed anything except i'm massivley proud of him for all the hard work he's put in to lose it!

sorry for the essay; basically i think lasting, loving relationships can come from all sorts of beginnings and all sorts of couples. Some start with a physical spark, some with an emotional or intellectual spark, some with no spart at all.

good luck, it sounds like you've found someone special and i hope you find a way to move forward and are both happy (whether it lasts or not) xx

pocketsaviour · 30/06/2015 14:06

My last fella had a huge belly and tbh he gave me the best sex I've ever had.

takeinyourhen · 30/06/2015 14:12

I'd say that I've dated a rather fat bloke before, but I found him very attractive and loved his tummy. Your guy's figure is part of him, you don't like his belly, then you don't like him.

Sounds like you like the idea of him more than the reality I'm afraid

springbabydays · 30/06/2015 14:28

You know what? I remember feeling like this with the first 'big' guy I dated. The sex was fantastic when it happened and now I'm only really attracted to larger guys.

Duckdeamon · 30/06/2015 14:33

It is Ok to not want to have sex with him yet (or ever) for any reason. It is also Ok to stop at any point.

mrssnodge · 30/06/2015 14:37

My Dp has a largish rounded belly, but he has more of a weight lifter body iyswim- (he calls it distended abs- whatever that is) so although hes toned and muscly everywhere his belly is large- he is however gorgeous to me and I dont mind the belly at all.
just as well he doesnt mind mine either !ha ha!

Pumpeedo · 30/06/2015 14:42

Maybe it's his pheromones are incompatible with yours? I know it sounds crazy but it's that kind of sixth sense we have when someone is or isn't a good match for us genetically. I don't think you can get over it.

When I first started seeing my now DH, I was seeing another chap too. This other chap was handsome, hilarious, clever, loaded, . . . but there was something about him that repulsed me. I've always put it down to pheromones!

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