Help!

[RitaOra2]

Hi, this is my first post on this site, after searching through other posts trying to find a situation like mine, looking for answers and advice. My DH of 15 years is cross with me all of the time. It goes through phases over what it is about and over the last two years has included me being a dirty who has cheated on him several times (I haven't) , then me spending all of our money on crap that we don't need (I am always careful), then me bringing up the children wrong (they are doing well at school) and more recently how I never keep the house organised or put anything in the right place. Each phase lasts several months and at the moment he seems completely obsessed over my disorganisation. He does not have much basis for what he says but he becomes fixed on it and if I argue back or loose my temper over it then he says that I am a liar, paranoid, stupid and emotionally abusing him. I have worked hard to bring up the children and keep the house the best I can, however, I do also work and study which amounts to full time hours and have children that demand a lot of my time. My DH spends most of his spare time doing DIY, sleeping or playing on the x-box, he will sometimes do some housework. He has an lot of bitterness towards me and I feel that he hates me. When I try to discuss it with him he will just bombard me with all the stuff that I have done wrong and if I try to speak he puts his fingers in his ears and orders me to leave the room. I am posting on here because I don't know what to do. I am feeling quite anxious and low which is further affecting my ability to keep the house tidy, but I feel that even if I achieved perfection then he would find something else. Is he depressed? Has he just become a horrible person? Is it me? Have I driven him crazy? Should we just split up? Sorry...all I want is an informed opinion. Thank you.

Definitely do not try mediation with an abusive man.

OP, call Women's Aid, ask for the name of a solicitor in your area who specialises in domestic abuse. Abusive men are highly manipulative and you need a Rottweiler solicitor who knows all the tricks.

I would suggest, rather than antidepressants, tell your GP that you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's causing you anxiety, and ask to be referred for CBT. That will give you some support.

I could have grown up in your house - it was hell so please don't think that staying for the children is the best thing, it really isn't.
It's a horrible way to live and the nice times are the worst because it shows how things COULD and actually should be and waiting for him to revert to his usual vile self is agonising.
Even if you think you can take the abuse please leave for the sake of your children if nothing else, they deserve to grow up somewhere with a much nicer atmosphere.
Also, please don't wonder where you went wrong - your only mistake was to marry such an arsehole

Once that bastard's gone, you won't need anti-depressants. You could always speak to your doctor openly about your situation and he/she might be able to give you something to tide you over until he's gone.

It sounds a really awful way to live - you'll be amazed at how well you and your children will get on without him living there.

I would imagine that if this dick is cheating it may actually be the least of his abusive behaviours

I agree, AF.

That said, knowledge is power. If he is projecting infidelity for a reason it could end up helping out OP. Just sayin'...

Rita was that a lightbulb I just saw lighting up above your head?

These women are right. I'm sorry to say you are married to a fully fledged abusive arsehole. Do yourself and your kids a favour and kick him out.

I guarantee your anxiety will lift

You are clearly an intelligent, strong woman. Don't let him make you believe otherwise

pre, whatever helps...yup

No wonder you feel low.

This is not good for your kids either. They are going to learn either to behave like him, or to put up with someone who behaves like him

Please call women's aid and get yourself a solicitor. You will qualify for legal aid. And please tell anyone you can about his abuse of you and your children. It could stand you in good stead in the future if he wants contact with the children.

And I don't care if your house is filthy - how bloody dare he call you such vile and foul names. I would go and see your GP and tell them everything. And get as much support both here and in real life as you can.

OP, the reason I asked if the abuse started around your first child is that it's very common for abuse to ramp up or start during a pregnancy.

This is probably caused by jealousy: suddenly the woman's focus is not solely on the abuser, and the abuser cannot bear not to be the master of the universe.

I strongly recommend talking to Women's Aid, as PPs have suggested.

Do not consider mediation or counselling with this man. That's for people who have a generally amicable relationship. This man hates you. He probably hates all women.

Please don't be put off with ideas of "I'm not the victim type, how could I let this happen to me". There is no victim type. Abusers ramp it up slowly: it's like the frog in the pot that doesn't notice til it's boiling. If you look through these boards you will see countless women saying "How could I let this happen to me, I'm a professional, I'm a strong person." I remember one lady who put off seeking help for years because she was so ashamed - she worked in social services.

I also think some abusers deliberately target strong women, seeing them as a challenge. :(

Rita, hi. It seems like you already have a strong sense of what you are prepared to put up with and know that he has crossed that line. It is a myth that only meek women end up in abusive relationships. Some abusers are attracted to outwardly confident and strong women, then, out of jealousy and s need for control, break their self-esteem down. Feeling low/depression can be an illness (of course) but it can also be a very useful signpost that you are tolerating something that is not in line with your personal values. You wouldn't want to argue in front of your children - he shouts at you and insults you in front of them. Show them you know what you are worth. I wish you luck.

OP, it is worth talking to your GP about the situation. It's possible to become depressed as a result of long term abuse and stress, and that ADs could help stabilize your mood and give you the extra mojo you need to get out. Only your doctor can tell you for sure.

But regarding the rest of the situation, definitely get out of there. Screw mediation, just call women's aid and get a solicitor if you can. Do you think your kids are happy with a man who calls their mother a pig? No way. He's fucking up their lives.

However hard it is, you and they will be a million times happier without coming home to that every day.

Butterfly girl I wouldn't count on the op getting legal aid...

I so agree with salted. He sees you working, studying, having fun with the kids. Generally being a pretty sorted modern woman (who has messy drawers! Haven't we all? ) with her priorities all sorted and he's jealous. And he feels inadequate. Because he hadn't got any of that going on. And that makes himANGRY.

And most of all he's angry with you because you're doing it right and he's not a big enough person to do that. And he knows it. So instead of looking at himself and doing something about that (because that's hard!) he turns it on you. Makes it your fault. Your problem
But it's not. It's him. It's his problem

You will be fine. Him, not so much. But that will no longer be your concern

He is accusing you of his shit. My ex did this. And it wasn't me that was unfaithful!

It's plain old abuse. My kids were 2 & 3 when we got divorced and my elder sensitive child thrived when noisy daddy left.

My youngest has always had a lot of disdain for him she never forged any link with him.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I am still unsure about what to do. The information about emotional abuse really helps me though and I am distancing myself from him for now and trying to observe his behaviour, instead of blocking it out, so that I can really determine what is going on here. I have booked a time next week for my Mum to babysit and asked him that we go out and talk. I think it is better we go to a quiet bar or café to talk, however he has said that we should talk at home. I expect we will do what he says! I am hoping that he will talk to me, and maybe we can get to the bottom of this. Perhaps he is depressed, maybe if he really listens to how I feel then he will change, maybe he will open up to me and explain his issues with me. This could be the kick up the butt that he needs. If not and it does not work out then I will leave him....I promise!

I hate to be a downer, but I really don't think talking to him will stop his behaviour. He isn't likely to admit he is an abuser, and please don't excuse such behaviour as depression. I think any getting to the bottom of this will involve him putting all the blame at your feet.

You can't even find a venue to talk to him without his approval? That speaks volumes to me.

I agree butterfly but maybe OP wants to give him a last chance before she is ready to walk away?
Give it a go Rita if you feel you must but please don't get your hopes up

yep of course Hopping - I just wish OP would get some backup for herself as it is a lot to shoulder alone. And by keeping his secret she is protecting him and I don't think that is great.

I hope it all works out ok - whatever the outcome.

OP, I congratulate you for observing & trying to have the "big talk". In the mean time, read up on EA. Be better prepared.
however, I suspect you will be talked at, talked over, criticised as belittled, you will be called abusive, mad, nuts.
They are so incredibly able to change direction, they manage to blame you, rather than listen & consider, they become angry at "subordination", pull all sorts of examples (often fictitious ) of erratic behaviour, bad parenting, affairs, finance abuse, when actually they are the ones in the hot seat.
Good Luck. in the mean time, get copies/originals of all important documents, mortgage, tax returns, pay slips etc. life insurance, passports, birth certs.This may be invaluable if you end up separating, & finances become involved. keep all this paperwork at your Mums, (other safe place) & not at home.
You can contact WA, (have you done their on line EA questionnaire?) & get an address of EA savvy solicitor & get a free half hour to talk about your position. Keep all these moves to yourself. change your password on phone & computer, make sure any internet "cloud" is disconnected.
Keep a diary of his abusive behaviour, any keep any nasty texts to back up your case.

OP before talking to him I encourage you to read either Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" or Pat Craven's "Living with the Dominator". That way, when you hear him twisting back everything you've said to him and making it into your fault, you will understand that it's part of the "script" that abusive men follow, and be more likely to reject his lies.

I have never ever heard of an abusive man becoming "normal" and non-abusive, no matter the amount of chats the woman may instigate. What I have heard of, plenty of times, is him switching up the abuse for a bit with some over-the-top love bombing to get you suckered back in again, and then the abuse will simply restart after a few weeks.

Please be prepared for that. I understand if you feel you need to let him have his say first before you make a decision about leaving, but please get informed beforehand.

OP, just offering support. I rarely actually gasp in horror but, 'Mummy is a pig', did get that gasp. How unbelievably nasty to say that at all yet alone to a child. Your dd will indeed thrive away from this. Please, please do as you have been advised and get very sorted in terms of paperwork, finances and everything mentioned before 'having the talk'. Sadly I have no doubt he will sweet talk you and you will be persuaded that it is all your fault and you must change. So be prepared. And insist on going out for the talk. It shows you mean business, your call.

Very good luck. So many brave women on here have done this and come out the other side into the sunshine. ( no doubt it rains on the way but they will be there for you anyway).

ideally do have this talk out of the house, for one he can't shout & yell, nor can he cover his ears (jerk). of course can & probably will walk out & leave you stuck with no transport

Um...if he doesn't like the mess why can't he put some of the stuff away? Agree with the others, he is unlikely to change but you are at the stage where you have a heightened awareness and probably need to go through a certain amount of crap in this heightened awareness state before you can leave with a clear conscience. It is a process you have to go through after all. He will resent the 'talk' for sure. He sounds like a total cock to me but I'm not having to live it. He is breaking you down bit by bit though. Please be aware of this OP. Take care.

I don't know...is this abuse or just a normal argument over stuff????......

I was off yesterday and today, so I stayed home yesterday, tidying, cleaning, doing the washing. Today I have done less but I emptied the dishwasher and put some other bits in and did some more washing. I picked the kids up from school, cooked their tea then DH came in and I had to go out with my child to a meeting at her school. When I came home he had been out with my other child (he wanted to go jogging so he told her she had to go too) and got back at the same time. So there was still a small amount of mess in the kitchen (2 baking trays, 2 saucepans and the plates and cutlery by the sink to be done, also his frying pan from lunchtime - he had been at work but came home for lunch). He started to speak loudly and crossly about the mess, slamming the stuff in to the dishwasher. I asked him what the problem was and he said 'your inability to ever put anything away' so I said that it was just a small amount of washing up left over from cooking the kids tea which I haven't done because I took DD to the meeting and never had time in-between. He said that I should have done it before cooking but I pointed out that apart from the pan he had left it was not there before cooking. He said that I was a liar and a pig. I asked him whether if the house was always completely spotless,would life be happy again and he said things would be a lot better and pointed out the dirt on the kitchen cupboards that I don't clean and he has to do. I said that I don't want him to call me a pig again and he said that I had called him names before. I said that he shouldn't say it to the kids and repeated what he had said about 'mummy is a pig' to which he completely denied saying! I asked had he forgot, and also had he forgot telling them over dinner a few weeks ago that I was an abuser and it was all about controlling him. Apparently he has forgot that too. He said the kids know this anyway because it is true and they should know the truth that their mother is mean, and they find out just by overhearing. He said that I had abused him for years and the kids should know this. I spoke quietly and calmly the whole time, he spoke loudly and angrily. I asked him how I had abused him and at this point he opened the kitchen door and told me to leave the room.