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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Nothing wrong in doing this apparently

61 replies

abitbemused · 28/06/2015 18:52

Dh has a very close male friend who he has referred to as his 'soul mate and best friend' This guy often calls him early in the morning e.g 8.15 on a Sunday and I get annoyed that the whole house is woken up while dh chats loudly. He may also call several times in a day and the chats are usually long, even if they have seen each other that same day.

Dh and I are not getting on, partly due to his time spent on hobbies which the guy is also involved with and also seemingly prioritising his friend over his family.Dh is always very defensive if I say anything negative about his friend and says that I am 'jealous' because I have no close friends. Dh often goes out into the garage or another room when he calls so I can't hear what they are saying.

They have already spoken this afternoon and he just called again. Dh has now gone out and said he was going for a drive.I asked where to,expecting him to be meeting up with his mate, but he said he was going out to talk to him. I said that it was a bit odd to go for a drive to speak rather than staying at home and doing it. Dh said that I was being ridiculous and there was nothing wrong in doing that - I disagree. What would you think?

OP posts:

Branleuse · 28/06/2015 21:47

emotional affair

Sounds like he has completely checked out of your relationship and getting all his emotional needs met by his friend. Whether or not theyre shagging, I couldnt say, and tbh, sexual infidelity isnt the only thing youre allowed to leave for.
You CAN just say, right, this is definitely not working for me anymore.

FenellaFellorick · 28/06/2015 21:52

bit of a difference between speaking to other people and
calling them your soul mate, phoning them several times a day - taking the calls privately at all times, prioritising them over your family, going away with them, being defensive of them, popping out for a 'drive' that is actually going to meet them, buying a tent so you can be private on trips with them, switching off your paper bills when asked about your mobile calls to them, having them sulk for a fortnight if you spend time with someone else, dropping everything every time they call..

all that is what the op has said.

That isn't speaking to someone. That's, well, I don't know what that is but it's not a chat with a pal.

honeyroar · 28/06/2015 22:10

I had similar with my ex. His friend at work had just left his wife and going out a lot. He used to pop round to his and speak to him on the phone all the time. It was a major factor in our breakup. We often wondered if he was gay too. It turned out, after we broke up, that my ex wasn't meeting his friend, but a woman he'd been having an affair with. The friend was covering for him.

Icimoi · 28/06/2015 22:18

If these were just normal chatty calls between friends, there is no logical reason why DH can't have the conversations where you can hear them. If I'm speaking to a friend on the phone I may well move out of the room, but that's just because I don't want to disturb my family who may be doing other things and don't want to listen to our inane conversation: but if one of them comes into the room while I'm talking I won't move away. What would happen if you "found" a reason to go into the room where your DH was talking to his friend?

crustsaway · 28/06/2015 22:21

Im saying gay too. Or both collaborating on something that isn't for you to know! Either way shady.

forumdonkey · 28/06/2015 22:48

How can you be sure its really this man on the phone, if the calls are taken in another room. He may well say, 'Hi Bob, yeah I'm just doing x, y,z' but could that be a cover up for someone else, especially if the rest of the call is made in private.

ScorpioMermaid · 29/06/2015 00:37

I'd think the same as I would if the other person was a woman. I'd think there was something going on. some kind of affair. I think he's gay. sorry OP.

mrstweefromtweesville · 29/06/2015 00:40

Get your ducks in a row for divorce. Get STI checked. Its over, he's gay or his male friend is covering for a woman. Sorry.

SilverBirchWithout · 29/06/2015 00:51

How long has this been going on for now? I can't help wonder what on earth they find to talk about.

It's interesting though, if a woman had a close female friend like this, I wonder whether everybody would so readily leap to the conclusion they were gay as well.

Twinklestein · 29/06/2015 07:01

He's having and affair with someone whether it's the mate or he's a decoy it's hard to know.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 29/06/2015 07:05

If a woman was carrying on like this it would be just as weird and inappropriate

TwerkingSpinster · 29/06/2015 07:14

Have you considered having him followed? Maybe hire a private detective?
Although, if you got caught it might be curtains for the marriage but it sounds on pretty shaky ground as is. Definitely very weird behaviour.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion · 29/06/2015 07:41

This happened with my exH and his best friend. They met at uni and I think the BF was used to having ex all to himself throughout their time there. When ex left uni to follow his career the BF decided to take it a step further and follow ex in his career choice which was a bit creepy given that it was unrelated to their field of study so not a natural path IYSWIM. BF used to turn up when I wasn't there, stay at his parents house . Everything a girlfriend would do. When I was around he was superficially okay but you could tell he didn't want me there. When we went out with his uni mates he made me feel very ostracised I.e. no one would engage with me! I ended up leaving halfway through the night having got fed up with trying to talk to people and being cold shouldered. BF had a girlfriend throughout so I thought initially that there wasn't a problem but as time went on it just felt like BF was the OW. His parents encouraged it as well, which I thought was a bit odd given that we were engaged and planning a wedding. Anyway BF carried on copying ex, even getting the same motorbike but he wasn't as good a rider as ex and sadly got himself killed.

I don't know how far it went but looking back now I know that it was an affair, emotional or physical I don't know but it as very clear. OP you need to talk to him in a calm manner and explain your concerns. If he is aggressive or avoiding I would mention that you will speak to the friend and his wife about your concerns and see what happens. Forcing him to be honest by bringing it out into the open may make him be truthful with you. I would have done this if the situation hadn't changed.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 29/06/2015 07:44

Mrsderek me and my husband speak to who we want when we want, the difference is that another person isn't the focus of our interactions from early morning! My husband works away and I travel a lot so we certainly have no control over what the other does, and wouldn't want to, so the situation never arises. But I would be extremely annoyed if we were having a nice lie-in and the phone rang and it was his friend he spoke with late last night, and he couldn't just let it ring that once- but leaped up and started chatting in private. Then repeated the behaviour throughout the day.

I think if my husband starts chatting early morning/late night and secretly to anyone numerous times a day, I wouldn't like it and I don't think that's controlling in the slightest!

downgraded · 29/06/2015 07:51

Is it definitely his mate who is ringing? He could have saved a woman's number under his mate's name on his phone.

Or he's having an affair with the mate.

Either way it's not good.

pocketsaviour · 29/06/2015 20:27

Your H may or may not be gay or bi, but there's certainly a hell of a bromance going on there.

It sounds like he has emotionally checked out of your marriage. I would not find this acceptable.

What do you want to do, OP? Do you want to try to make things work, or would you be happy for him to swan off into the sunset with his soulmate BFF?

Daisychain5 · 29/06/2015 22:38

I'm not sure the relevance of his friend being married too......still just as likely to be gay!

HootyMcTooty · 29/06/2015 22:46

I doubt your DH has suddenly turned gay, but if he's investing more in his hobbies and his friend at the expense of you and your DC, then you have a problem. He sounds very dismissive of your needs.

TendonQueen · 29/06/2015 22:53

There is a strong attachment there of whatever sort, and it is a major threat to your marriage. I would be revisiting your 'suggestion' that he moves out and saying you now insist that he does. He needs to have some proper time away, not this having-it-all route where he gets to dash off whenever he wants but still gets home comforts, to see how skewed his priorities are. Or for you to see that he might as well stay away.

Daisychain5 · 29/06/2015 22:57

Nobody is suggesting her DH has suddenly turned gay....some men marry because they are in denial, or want a family.

ShortandSweeter · 30/06/2015 09:15

Sound like very close friends to me. I think it's great.

mix56 · 30/06/2015 10:05

Great ? well it could be "great" if he was single & wasn't completely ignoring his family.

Miggsie · 30/06/2015 10:12

He is gay - but has stayed in a heterosexual relationship so he can pretend he isn't.
He's not being honest with himself or you.
His primary emotional relationship is with this man.
You and the kids are window dressing required by social convention.

Possible Folie a deaux, but I think the repressed gayness is the most likely explanation.

AyeAmarok · 30/06/2015 11:40

Possibly gay, DEFINITELY inappropriateas either way he emotionally investing way too much in a relationship outside of your marriage, to the detriment of your relationship.

Would he go to counselling?

Drew64 · 30/06/2015 15:11

Firstly, I agree with some of the others. It is odd that a guy can make so much effort and invest so much time with another guy, a friend, a best buddy.
My best friend and I don't speak for weeks but would both drop whatever we were doing for each other no matter what. That's what best friends do.

Secondly, I can't help but notice the language you have used in your posts;

"I get annoyed that the whole house is woken up while dh chats loudly"
"Dh and I are not getting on, partly due to his time spent on hobbies"
"I have suggested that their relationship is a bit like an emotional affair"
"I tell him that his priorities are in the wrong order"
"I suggested that he moves out and goes and lives with him"

May I respectfully suggest that this is the reason your DH is being secretive, going out to the garage, going for a drive.
You have made your feelings about this relationship quite clear to your DH, he won't stop, it's his friend but because of your feelings he will divorce the relationship with his friend from you.

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