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Original poster

Should I finish this? please help!

64 replies

lydiar69 · 28/06/2015 17:54

Hi Everyone - I am in a terrible dilemma and need some advice. I started a new relationship a year ago after my divorce.

We have lots in common and similar interests. Unbeknownst to me, he has Type 1 Diabetes. On our second date, he had a hypo. I had no idea what was wrong and called an ambulance. Since then , this has happened on many occasions although if I'm around, I know the signs and can usually do something to avoid him going unconscious.

The illness was not a problem as far as I was concerned. Then he had a hypo while driving and lost his licence. So for the past year, I have been getting up an hour earlier to drive him to work. I now am out of the house for 12 hours a day (I leave at 5.45am). I work full - time and the extra driving and long days have been really hard.

I tried to tell him I was finding it hard and could we find another way but he shouted at me and said his life is terrible and he needs me to do this or he can't work etc. I used to see my teenage son in the morning but no more.

Anyway, at Easter , after we had been arguing because i picked him up late after my work meeting overran, he finished with me by text. Two days later, he changed his mind. He has never said why he changed his mind but I suspect it's because he needs me to continue to drive him everywhere. We live in a rural area with little public transport but he refuses to use the bus anyway.

I often cook for him, clean his house, run errands for him. On my birthday he said he couldn't get me a present as he can't get to the shops.

He now needs an urgent, major operation and I feel like I am trapped as it would be callous and cold - hearted to leave him now.

We hardly ever do anything fun together anymore as he is too busy working. I can't remember the last time. He hardly ever calls me, unless he wants me to do something, i feel i make all the effort. The only time I see him is when he needs me to do something for him or I get a phone call from the hospital.

I don't want to be in this relationship anymore as it is draining and exhausting, but I don't see how I can end it when he has this major operation to face. He doesn't speak to his family so he only has me to support him.

OP posts:
Bugsylugs · 28/06/2015 19:57

What do you get from this relationship?
He actually from what you have said should have lost his licence earlier and he will know that.
He has no respect for you or others.
Life is for living enjoy time with your ds instead

MamanOfThree · 28/06/2015 20:10

Honestly? I know quite few peole with type 1 diabetes and they would never have an hypo like this. After years and years living with the disease, they have learnt to control it. Some better than others but not at the point they would get an hypo at the wheel.

So my first reaction is:

  • what is going on with his diabetes that it's not under control? What is he doing to put it under control? Is he following niurses recommendations, what has he been told to do to avoid it happening again?
  • he has an illness that is a long life thing. He is living in a remote location. He is not looking after himself well enough to carry on driving. What is he planning to do so that he can get on with his life? I mean before he met you, he surely had something in place so that he wasn't dependant on anyone or that he wasn't taking so much risk (because an hype at the wheel IS taking a huge risks). NOw he doesn't have a car, what is he planning to do? Lots of people live wo a car, even in remote locations. So what about internet shopping, using a taxi, buses, asking people at work who live nearby, carsharing etc etc?

Just one question:
how long was he living on his own wo a gf before metting you?

And yes, it's a shame he is having an op but he has been taking the piss and that's what you get when you treat people like this. INstead of being there for you when you need them, they tell you to f* off.
Hard lesson to learn. But true.

hamsterescape · 28/06/2015 20:43

If he was healthy would you still be with him ? I doubt it ..you can't stay with someone just because they're poorly...This could go on forever

Katniramal · 28/06/2015 20:51

Get rid. Anyone with Type 1 diabetes can manage it properly, I do. He's blatantly disregarding his own health and dragging you right down.

As for the rest of his behaviour...pathetic. Seriously, you can do better than this loser. Sod him, look after yourself. I chucked out my abusive Ex-h when he was in bad health. I was at the end of my tether with him and when he needed me to nurse him, I thought "fuck that, what have you ever done for me". You should be thinking the same.

Original poster
lydiar69 · 28/06/2015 20:55

If he was healthy, no I wouldn't still be with him.

He doesn't control the diabetes well at all. He only occasionally checks his blood sugar and relies on how he's feeling instead. He refuses to see his GP and isn't in regular contact with the diabetic nurse although she tries. The day he had the hypo while driving, he didn't check his blood. He wrote the car off but thankfully didn't injure himself or anyone else.

There are taxis but as he keeps pointing out, they are very expensive and not a viable alternative to me doing it!

I can hear how pathetic I'm being and am grateful to you all. Seems pretty unanimous!

OP posts:
TheHumblePotato · 28/06/2015 21:06

If he was healthy, no I wouldn't still be with him

That settles it then. A twat is a twat regardless of their ailments. They only suffer from twatism and that is a sickness only cured by LTB.

hamsterescape · 28/06/2015 21:34

He's using his illness ..to control you and use you ..It clearly suits him to play the victim . What motivation is there for him to. look after himself properly ? This will go on forever if you let it .

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay · 28/06/2015 21:47

He is abdicating responsibility for everything onto you OP. If he has diabetes but doesn't check himself having even written a car off and could have killed people he is a total knob.

Just don't turn up with your taxi. When he texts to ask you where you are say you are not coming. When he moans about it say you cannot begin to describe the enormity and massive size of the shit you do not give and block and smile He is ripping the piss. You are letting him.

Cloudhowe63 · 28/06/2015 22:03

Don't put this man before your relationship with your son. This could go on for a long time if you don't act decisively. Would he do the same for you? Doesn't sound likely.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2015 22:05

You need to dump this man now.

Not all that surprised to read that your mother acted the same; she taught you some very damaging lessons on relationships. I am not surprised either to read that he does not talk to his family (they have likely had enough of him).

I would think that you're codependent when it comes to relationships and that state is very unhealthy.

I would also suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

rumred · 28/06/2015 22:45

Get rid. He is Irresponsible and disrespectful of you- that's really not good enough. He's not treating you with love and kindness

Good luck and here's to the next phase of your life

Janette123 · 28/06/2015 22:59

lydiar69,
If this guy keeps having hypos then he needs to get his diabetes sorted out. He sounds like the sort of patient who won't engage with his condition and plays the victim.
Stop holding his hand and get out of this before he drags you down.

wallypops · 28/06/2015 23:02

Text him now, start afresh tomorrow. His complete inability to sort himself out is his issue not yours.

"Enjoy being single. Don't ever contact me again"

DoreenLethal · 28/06/2015 23:05

Hows about you text him tonight and say 'actually, i agree with you - this relationship is over'. Turn the phones off, the alarm on at the time YOU need to be up to get YOU to work and be done with it. No time like the present to ditch a user.

DoreenLethal · 28/06/2015 23:05

Snap with wallypops. Do it.

upaladderagain · 28/06/2015 23:07

If you get a single message on here advising you to stay with him, continue to be his chauffeur, mummy, carer, mug, then do it.
But you won't.

Snowfire · 28/06/2015 23:10

Wally & Doreen are right. Text him now to let him know you won't be picking him up in the morning and start living your life again!

Buffyitout · 28/06/2015 23:45

I've logged back in just to reply to this thread.

OP if you care even a jot for this man, you will end this relationship now. You sound like a caring and thoughtful woman who is projecting how you think you would feel in the same circumstance. But you also sound very responsible and therefore would never treat anyone the way he is treating you. Or would neglect your health in the cowardly and arrogant way he is.
He isn't the same as you. Don't project your kindness onto him, be kind to yourself.
And by you ending it, it's probably the only way this man will be put in a position where he HAS to deal with his life. Ending this relationship is a kind thing to do, for both of you.

Trills · 28/06/2015 23:48

This sounds exactly like my friend's ex.

His inability to deal with his illness is NOT YOUR RESPONSBILITY.

He is being irresponsible.

You are picking up the pieces.

Is being with him making your life better or worse overall?

If the answer is worse, you can choose not to have him in your life.

Hidsup · 28/06/2015 23:49

There will always be some reason to just hang in there a bit longer.... Just do it. He will find alternative ways to cope

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 29/06/2015 00:11

The order of priority in your household/life should be the following:

  1. You
  2. Your Son

He shouldn't feature anywhere as a priority. I bet after you've nursed him after his op he will get worse.......waking up at leaving the house at 05h45 to go pick up a grown man to drive him to work, I would've walked driven away eons ago, maybe I'm just selfish!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/06/2015 00:12

He's been accepting all your help and the bugger can't even pretend to be grateful!

Dump his arse. He doesn't deserve your concern.

Granville72 · 29/06/2015 09:31

You are just his Taxi service, nothing else to him. He's already said you're the more viable cheaper option than using a taxi firm.

Honestly, don't waste any more time with the muppet. Put your son first if nothing else.

Original poster
lydiar69 · 01/07/2015 19:40

Hi All - thought I would just give you an update.

On Monday, I drove him in (I know) and said that I would have to stop doing it as I was so exhausted etc. He went mental and then he dumped me!

Not heard a word since but it is like a weight has been lifted.

Thanks again for all the support - it really helped.

Xx

OP posts:
Agrestic · 01/07/2015 19:45

Well that worked out well!

Onwards and upwards Wine