Really hurt and fed up

[HelloWheels]

I have been with my partner for just over three years. We have a 20 month old DS.
I don't like the way that DP speaks to me. If I get upset about anything he has done, he just gets angry.

A few weeks ago, we went out and he got drunk. DS was staying at his grandparents. I was sober because I was driving. When we got back we had sex, he asked me for anal. I said no, he kept touching my bum hole anyway and he kept slapping my bum cheeks, which is normally ok but he was doing it really hard so I asked him to stop, he stopped for a bit then carried on. I told him to stop. After a couple of minutes he started slapping me again saying that he "had to"!?! I pulled away and he asked if I wanted to stop. I said yes and started crying. He looked at me and said "stop crying!", followed later by "what's the matter?" I said "why would I tell you what the matter is? You've just told me to stop crying! Actually the matter is that you kept slapping me after I asked you to stop!" I left the bedroom and came downstairs and he went to sleep.

A couple of hours later he got up and came downstairs and started sorting out his stuff for work the next day. Then he said to me "don't call the police because I will know it was you" I didn't know what he meant but realised that he was planning on driving back to his house, 15 miles away. I tried to stop him, because he was drunk and I was worried he would crash. I stood behind his car to stop him. He reversed the car into me (very slowly so I wasn't at risk of injury) I stepped back, he did it again, he was very determined to go so I moved and let him go. I couldn't ring the police as his car is a very common make and model and I couldn't recall the reg number so it would have been useless info.

The next day, after no texts or communication at all he came back in the evening very humble and apologetic. I told him to never drink like that around me again.

Last weekend we were away staying with friends. He was drinking on Saturday night but not too heavily. When we went to bed, we were chatting very amicably about stuff. Then he called me a "snob" (which made no sense whatsoever in the context of the conversation and isn't true at all anyway) he then repeated it twice more saying "you are a fucking snob". I ignored him as he was drunk. the next day I said I was upset that he had called me a snob he told me not to be silly, that it had been a joke and he hadn't meant it. I said it wasn't funny and that he had repeated it and added in "fucking" for emphasis. He dismissed my feelings.

Fast forward a couple of days and he annoyed me about something else. I said I was fed up with the way that he was behaving towards me recently and wanted to know what was going on. He asked for an example. I said "well you called me a snob on Saturday" he said I was "being a child" about it. I said that I didn't like name calling, especially from a partner and that if you have upset someone it is normal to try and sort it out rather than dismiss them. He said that he thought I had lied to him about how my marriage ended and suggested that my ExH was the one that left me, because of my unreasonableness. He walked away and went for a shower. That night he didn't come to bed or talk to me any further and slept on the sofa.

Now he is acting like nothing has happened. I don't know what to do. He makes me feel like I am making mountains out of molehills all the time.

A few months ago I said that I don't feel loved by him and he said "you're wrong" and that was it. No hugs or reassurance or anything and I was really upset. Nothing has changed. He barely touches me, very rarely says he loves me. Only texts to ask me stuff etc. I don't know what to do. I feel really unappreciated but when I talk to him he makes me feel like I am just whining.

Hello sorry to hear that you were feeling sad and lonely last night. You've been through a shock and a momentous change, so that's going to take its toll on you. Be gentle with yourself and keep reassuring yourself that you have done the right thing. I hooe you're feeling better this morning.

My relationship with DD's dad was a bloody carcrash, but we are effective and amicable co-parents who get on very well most of the time. We've had our ups and downs, but overall we're pretty good friends now. Your ex being a decent parent and co-parent with his ex is a very good sign - hopefully you will be able to establish a good co-parenting relationship with him in the future. For now, though, keep all your communication businesslike and focused entirely on your DS - no conversations about where it went wrong or what he did or didn't do; don't give him an opportunity to try to rewrite history and convince you that you're over-reacting.

What you did to his phone made me !

Oooh OP was it the Wonderwoman theme? What was the song???

Bravo. Really, bravo. Your pigeon tree analogy is perfect, that needs making into bumper stickers and fridge magnets. I'm so glad you walked out from under the tree.

He's an abusive twat.. Who gets his kicks from belittling you... Dump him & find someone who actually respects women

I've not heard anything from him. I guess when I do it will be asking where something of his is in the house or asking to see ds.

I know it's the right thing to do but I miss him, I miss having another adult around (even a useless one!)

Write yourself a list of the reasons you shouldn't ever take him back, so you have something to keep you strong when the assurance that you're doing the right thing fades.

Well done for acting so decisively! Your DS will be better off having space from him.

Of course you miss him, that's been your comfort zone, your normal for a long time. You're changing your normal, and in time it will be a better, happier and safer one, but of course you're finding it hard and you're absolutely entitled to - this is a time to be very kind to yourself, to look for all the support you need for yourself and vent here for sympathy as much as you need.

Don't ever go back to the pigeon tree OP.

Focus your love and attention on your DS and keep posting.

I'm going to see DP later. I put some of his stuff in my car (including his dirty clothes from the laundry basket) to drop off at his house on the way back from my friends later on today. I texted him to say I could either drop it at his or his parents (he won't have told them - I get on well with them and they luff me )

I just need to be strong and not cry when I see him.

Is it necessary for you to drop this stuff off today and why aren't you planning to do it on the way to your friends rather than on the way back when you may be tempted to linger...

It's far too early days - if he's urgent need of these things either drop them at his dps or leave it somewhere in your front garden or with a neighbour so that he can pick it up while you're out.

I'm away at my friends now, been here since Friday. I want his stuff gone ASAP as his clutter is suffocating me.

Why not bag it all up and shove it in a cupboard/shed/garage or send it to him by taxi if you can't find a friend who's willing to deliver it?

Have you dropped his stuff off and returned to your newly decluttered home, Wheels?

I dropped off some of his stuff last night and he threw me the curve ball of saying that he wanted to try again. I got upset and said that I don't believe that he is capable of making all the changes that I would need him to make, and that I don't feel loved or respected.

He had DS for a couple of hrs, then brought him back to mine and filled his car with more of his stuff to take back to his.

I said I would email him my thoughts and observations. That way at least he reads it and I get it all off my chest. It's going to be a mammoth email. He said "I look forward to your email" I said "I wouldn't if I were you!"
I'm quite sure that nothing will change and that we are done. All the promises in the world can't change how I feel right now.

It may have been a curve ball to you, but I certainly predicted he'd say or do something to unsettle you.

I'm sure he's delighted you're sending that email. That means there's a conversation he can keep going. You sound to me as if there is a small possibility you'll take him back, that you want to be persuaded. I expect he heard it that way too.

I agree with Charlotte, I'm afraid - this isn't a curve ball at all, it's entirely predictable! If you open a dialogue with him he will twist things and minimise and tell you what you want to hear, so that you let him back in. Then you'll be back in a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you, and whose treatment of you amply demonstrates that fact.

I'm going to post that summary again, because I think you're in danger of forgetting...

OP whether or not he's 'abusing' you (by your definition), he is a nasty twat who shows you no respect.

He...

• deliberately pushed your boundaries when you said no to anal.
• slapped you hard enough to hurt you soon afterwards.
• slapped you again repeatedly after you'd asked him to stop.
• didn't comfort you or apologise when his degrading and disrespectful behaviour had reduced you to tears.
• drove when very drunk, intimidating you into not calling the police.
• reversed a two ton hunk of metal into you to intimidate you out of his way. 'I wasn't at risk of injury'... what if his drunk foot had slipped??
• insults/ridicules you, minimises your feelings about how badly he treats you, accuses you of lying.

When you read that in black and white, do you really need people on the internet to tell you what the best course of action is? Do you want your DS to grow up thinking that it's ok for his father to treat his mother like that?

I know what you're saying. In my mind, it's over and I want to get things off my chest.

I wish I could have sent my ExH an email putting my views across. I am hoping to find it therapeutic for me.

I can't imagine anything that he could say or do that would make me change my mind.

Writing your feelings out may well be therapeutic for you, but don't reveal any of them to him as you'll simply be opening the door to more dialogue in which he'll use what you''ve said to cajole and persuade you into continuing the relationship by making more false promises of change.

You are well shot of this abusive twunt - keep it that way.

This is absolutely infuriating. How dare you not report his drink driving. He could have killed someone AND you are still with him? Why?

The therapy is in writing it, not in sending it to sometimes who will disagree with you and debate the finer details.

The only way to closure here is to close the door on that chapter of your life and look forward to the next one. Writing that letter could be part of closing the door, but please don't send it to him.

I put myself in a place of weakness with my ex. I was like you: I can't imagine he could day or do anything to make me change my mind.

Then he promised more than I could have imagined, regretted more than I ever thought he understood, and spun a web of apologetic, hopeful charm. I swooned straight into "I never expected this - this is better than it's ever been!"

But it wasn't. It was words, charm, easy actions. It didn't change him underneath. I realised in a matter of days that nothing was really different, I'd been duped, but it took six more weeks to psych myself up to leaving again.

I've sent it. Too late now.
I said that its over. I said that if he could spend years in therapy transforming into a different person there is a tiny chance that we could have a conversation about the future but Its very unlikely. I can't see a future with him in it, he would need to make all the effort/changes etc and even then there's no promise of anything.

Was that too positive? Will he see that as me wanting to be with him? I'm knackered and can't think straight.

Breathe, Hello

Worst case scenario he skips all the bits but what he wants to see and takes it as a positive, Then he's in for a rude awakening isn't he? Not your problem. You've walked away, you've said you're done, I applaud you, that takes a lot of guts to do even when you know it's the best thing for yourself.

Go get yourself some sleep.

RTFT Cnm!

Hello well then I hope you feel better for getting that off your chest. Don't let him use it as a lever to open a dialogue about it all and worm his way back in. You've been so strong to take back control and end things - I hope you feel proud of yourself! Of course there'll be times when you feel sad and lonely without him, but you will move on and there's someone out there in your future who will treat you a fuck sight better than he did!

Don't let my negativity worry you: it sounds quite a final email and as long as you don't engage further, it's absolutely fine.

Onwards and upwards!

When will it get easier? I feel totally heartbroken and devastated today. I'm really missing him.

With my ExH it was easier. By the time I ended it I didn't love him but I still have feelings for DP.

Putting the bins out last night, I automatically put them behind my car, leaving a space for his car, then I realised that I didn't need to leave a space because he wasn't coming back and it made me cry.

I'm hardly sleeping and crying a lot.
It's like he's ended it with me and I suppose he has in a way because he gave me no choice. I need to stay strong. I feel so weak and pathetic today.

It's ok to feel weak and pathetic - just don't act on it!

Have a bit of a wallow - in the bath is a good place to turn on the waterworks especially on a hot day - and know that whatever feelings you have for him are for the man you thought he could be rather than the one he is which, as you know, is an abusive twunt who doesn't actually give a shit about your feelings.

It's all part of life's rich pattern. Chalk it up to experience and resolve not to experience any more substandard men.

The sun will still be shining tomorrow and you'll get stronger with every passing day. Give it a couple of months and you'll look back and think 'wtf was I doing with him?'.