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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

38 weeks pregnant and thinking of leaving DP

32 replies

Stinkylinky · 25/06/2015 15:04

DP is a good person and will make a brilliant father but our relationship is more like a friendship, there is very little passion and affection which to me, are very important in a relationship. This has been a problem for the past year or so but a throw away comment DP made last night has really got me thinking about our future together.

I think staying together for the sake of the baby will cause us to end up resenting each other or looking for something elsewhere. This happened to my parents when I was a child and I never want to put my child through what I went through during that time.

Do you thinking walking away now would be the healthy thing to do or am I being crazy?

I love DP dearly but we clearly want different things in a relationship and I think my feelings towards him are a lot stronger than his are for me if that makes sense? I don't want to spend to rest of my life hoping that one day the penny will drop and he will show me the love and affection that I need.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 25/06/2015 15:07

It depends upon what the problems are.

Being good friends is a good foundation for the future but what else is missing? Is it lack of sex?

Why do you think he doesn't love you the same as you love him?

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 25/06/2015 15:16

It's sex, affection (hugs kisses etc).

We wouldn't have sex at all if it wasn't for me initiating it, unless DP has been out drinking which makes me feel pretty shit about myself. Does he really need to be blind drunk to want to have sex with me?

Same for any other contact, it's all me.

He used to show me so much love and was clearly proud to be with me but almost over night everything changed and it's really thrown me.

I'm pretty much 100% sure he has never cheated on me but I'm driving myself mad trying to figure out what has changed.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 25/06/2015 15:16

OP, do you think you might have some unresolved abandonment issues dating from your childhood? When this affects a person it is quite common for them to project that history onto their own lives.

Right now, two weeks or so off your due date, your body and mind are a heady cocktail of hormones which are also serving to confuse you because you have relationship fears. Ask your DP for some comfort-and-closeness time together. If this is your first DC then neither of you will be knowing quite what to expect so communication is your key. Try, if you can, not to entertain fears based on other people's lives.

Soon there will be three of you, and that will be wonderful.

lordsandladies · 25/06/2015 15:17

I think if you can define the issue and what needs to change to resolve it then it's worth trying rather than just walking away, mainly because for nearly 9 months of the last year you've been pregnant! That does change a relationship slightly.

Was it good before that? Can you work on the problems? I agree staying like this won't be healthy long term but seems leaving 2 weeks from due date might not be the best time to make the decision if the relationship is otherwise good.

But ignore me, my relationship is in the dirt, great one for giving advice, sorting my own life not so much!

lordsandladies · 25/06/2015 15:19

X post you say that you are missing physical affection in the last year. You have been pg for 9 months nearly. I think there may be a correlation...

Speak to him

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 25/06/2015 15:24

It definitely started at least 6 months before I fell pregnant, around the time we bought our house actually, not sure if that has anything to do with it.

I am sure I have abandonment issues and I panic about history repeating itself by me making the same mistakes as my parents.

I just want DC to have a stable and happy childhood more than anything.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 25/06/2015 15:36

Have you talked to him about this?

A lack of intimacy and sex are relationship killers.

What is his explanation

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 25/06/2015 15:47

I can't get an answer out of him, other than that the honeymoon period doesn't last.

It's made me such a needy, paranoid and insecure person trying to figure out what has gone wrong and I know that this makes it all worse.

OP posts:

butterflygirl15 · 25/06/2015 16:46

I can't tell you what to do, and at 38 weeks I wouldn't suggest making any huge decisions - but please don't stay with someone for the sake of a child.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/06/2015 17:39

What was the "throw away comment"?

FoodieMum3 · 25/06/2015 17:45

Please don't make such a huge decision at 38 weeks pregnant OP

Fugghetaboutit · 25/06/2015 17:49

I would wait.

You're full of hormones and will be for a while.

See how things are 6 months after baby, if you still aren't happy then you hav options.

Your baby won't be scarred if you leave him within first year. I would try and give it a chance, maybe try counselling

Wherediditallgoright · 25/06/2015 17:53

If you say he is a good person and would make a brilliant father, at least have the baby and see what happens to your relationship. I don't think it's a good time for you to leave and set up on your own.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/06/2015 18:05

It might be nerves about impending fatherhood I certainly wouldn't immediately up and go. Has he got cold feet about being present at the birth, is it financial worry, is he worried he didn't have a good role model in his own dad?

If you have noticed he no longer seems interested in sex many men fear they will somehow damage their pregnant partner or the baby from quite early on.

Also if an immature mate or jealous relative has been winding him up predicting broken nights and no sex for months afterwards and "under the thumb" generally, even the most level headed person can start to get apprehensive.

It may be he hasn't wanted to upset you by mentioning anything but in doing so he's become distant.

Please try talking and see if he's able to put your mind at rest. Regardless of the reason this current stress is already no good for you.

Can you say what the throwaway comment was?

SolidGoldBrass · 25/06/2015 18:15

Did this start around the time you began TTC? I wonder if some kind of switch flipped in his mind and made him start to think of you as not so much his sexy partner but as the Mother Of His Child. Some men do have a fairly deep-seated idea that motherhood is sacred and mothers do not have sexual desires (was he, by any chance, raised in a primitive deeply religious household?

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 27/06/2015 21:12

Sorry I've not been back, been trying to get my head in order and make things work with DP.

Tonight we have been to DPs friends party where I spent most of the night sat on my own. This was an issue I had with DP, that he never wants to socialise with me anymore and leaves me sat on my own while he's off with his friends drinking and sniffing coke.

I have come home on my own and decided that I really do need to leave him, things are not going to get better, only harder with a baby and I would rather focus all my attentions on to DC instead of a relationship that isn't working.

DP is the main earner and after I have paid bills, food, car etc, I'm not left with enough to be able to rent my own house. DP said he isn't having his child growing up in a council house but I don't know how else I would afford to live.

I'm sorry to rant and go on but I don't have anyone to talk to and I'm utterly heartbroken. DP is the love of my life.

OP posts:

Littlef00t · 27/06/2015 21:24

My darling I think you are the only one who can decide if it's not going to work, but perhaps take the slightly longer view. Aim to be out when baby is 3 months perhaps? If there is no immediate danger, you're getting on well enough it's just not longer term viable. I found I was coping much better after 3 months, but before then the support of a partner was so valuable.

Littlef00t · 27/06/2015 21:26

Also to say the coke is not good. Could this be having an impact?

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 27/06/2015 21:27

i just don't want to be in a loveless relationship anymore, I love him so much but feel utterly broken and unwanted.

My poor DC deserves better than this

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2015 21:34

He's not the love of your life. He's a cokehead and a selfish prick. He may have been a nice partner once but people who take cocaine regularly turn into arseholes very quickly.
Don't waste any more time trying to make him see reason because he won't. He's going to put himself and his wishes ahead of you and your child's wellbeing, so start making plans to leave him: you describe him as DP so I take it you are not married - unfortunately this puts you in a trickier position financially, but you should still be able to get rid of him and be housed comfortably, You do not need his permission to leave him.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 27/06/2015 21:39

You need to talk to him, let him know your worries and concerns. See if you can get to the bottom of it. A baby is about to be born and it's a lot easier with two committed parents working together, so if you can work it out then that's better for you all. Of course, if it turns out he doesn't want to make changes then perhaps you are better off not being in a relationship with him.

I am concerned he's sniffing coke - though I wouldn't be happy if my husband was even drinking when I was 38 weeks pregnant as labour can start at any moment! A bit selfish and demonstrates a lack of understanding about what is to come.

Please don't do anything rash, but certainly let him know how you are feeling by having a talk. Maybe write it down first to get your thoughts out of your head and on to paper. And even if the relationship is over perhaps you can still live together and raise the baby for the first year at least. It's hard work and you say he'll be a good father so it's worth considering. I have friends who have done it. Not always easy but they worked together so nobody missed out on that precious first year.

butterflygirl15 · 27/06/2015 21:43

You would be entitled to housing and council tax benefit and maintenance and child tax credits?

And you deserve better than this too.

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 27/06/2015 21:47

I've tried talking, writing down my feelings etc he always says that will try to make an effort and that he loves me (in the least sincere way possible) but doesn't, and as far as I'm concerned, actions speak louder than words.

He seems more bothered about the fact that we have a car that we pay half each towards each month in his name that I use than the fact I'm leaving him when I'm 38 weeks pregnant with his child.

I know I will be made out to be the bad one in all this for leaving him but what am I supposed to do? How many chances do I give him? His track record is absolute appalling but he always comes up smelling of roses.

OP posts:

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 27/06/2015 21:53

Have you got supportive family nearby? You need unconditional love and support right now. You're about to have a baby! From what you've said, he needs to have a nice steaming cup of grow-the-f*ck-up.

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 27/06/2015 22:03

I have my mum and that's it. She has been brilliant to be honest, I'm leaving DP and going to stay with my mum tomorrow

OP posts:

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