Libido's gone, OH frustrated - relationship suffering

[NannyPahLum]

Sorry this is long but think background is relevant...

Ok, so we've been together 6 yrs. First 2 yrs long distance and just saw each other every other weekend. Always plenty of good sex.

Then we moved in together. Sex increased to every other day on average (sometimes more, but on average)

But about a year after moving in together our lives went a bit awry... OH's business folded, I was made redundant. After several months of constant job applications and getting nowhere we sank under debt. Lost our privately rented home and had to sell just about everything we owned. In the midst of all this I had an abnormal smear and and to have precancerous cells removed. I ended up with a nasty infection after the procedure that took lots of medication and several weeks to recover from. Although not being able to have sex during the infection, sex life apart from that didn't suffer.

Just as we moved to his parents I finally got a new job, and a week later so did OH. But then just another week in we discovered I'd fallen pregnant. Not planned and battled with whether to terminate or not, due to our less than desirable circumstances for raising children. But decided to keep the baby as in the end we both realised we couldn't go through with a termination. Despite all this, sex life didn't suffer too much.

So we spent those pregnancy months working our arses off and paying our debts so we could get our own place for when the baby arrived... We found a little place. I went into labour early - the evening before we were due to move into new house! Caused quite a few disruptions with landlord & estate agent but we got there in the end.

So baby has arrived, but birth was traumatic and prolonged. I suffered PND, PTS and generally found it difficult to adapt to my new life with a baby who wasn't an easy baby. I had to give up work as we couldnt afford the childcare for me to return. Cue sex life takes a nose dive

I ended up on AD's and still on them now.

Over the next few years Ive struggled to raise DS with zero help - OH works a LOT of hours, he's out from 5am until after DS's bedtime at 7pm. I'm 200 miles from my family, his family all work full time. DS is not easy - always been difficult & naughty and I have consistent with discipline which be draining when I'm doing it all alone.

Sex life has never recovered despite our DS now being 2.7 yo. Since his birth we've been through another 2 house moves due to bad landlords, discovered I was pregnant again when DS was 6 mths but miscarried the day after finding out. Was both upset and relieved all at the same time. We've had 2 significant deaths in the family just days apart. I'm devastated but trying to cope. I'm also single handedly planning our wedding that's in July and it's been a BIG stress.... I'm stressed miserable and have zero sex drive.

But none of these events havr affected OH's sex drive and it's causing big problems in our relationship just weeks away from marrying each other.

I find his constant groping of me, sexual innuendos or direct comments of what he wants to do to me in bed irritating. Or him seeing my reluctance to have sex as 'playing hard to get' and still pursuing and pushing until I give in to shut him up, is starting to cause me some resentment towards him.

A couple times he's even penetrated me (not in an aggressive forceful manner) even when I've said I'm not in the mood. He did it again last night and this time I got quite upset and stormed out of the bedroom and slept on the sofa

I don't know what to do. We both love each other, and i respect he works so hard for us. But the stresses of life over the last couple of years have really affected my libido and I can't give him what he needs. But him trying to take it anyway is not making this any better.

When we do have sex, when I do actually want to, it's still good. It's just so few and far between and im frustrating him. He accuses me of not loving him when I don't give it up. I do I'm just bloody tired!

Am I at fault for losing sex drive and not satisfying him? How do I regain it?

Cailindana - he fell in love quite young at 16. She fell pregnant but being young her love for didn't last and when their son was less than a year old she dumped him for another guy. He doesn't tell me about the emotional side of this, just told me what happened. His mother tells me he was heartbroken and went off the rails falling in with a less than desirable crowd and doing recreational drugsYour 'd'm sounds a real piece of work and if you've never had counselling around her behaviours then please consider it. Where was your df in all of this emotional bullying? She sounds absolutely unhinged. Eventually he realised it wasn't right so he took himself off travelling around Europe for a year. He came back and then just had a couple of relationships that had him fall back into drugs - he met a nurse who stole prescription drugs from work but that fizzled out. Then his sister set him up with her best friends sister who was a recovering heroin addict, thinking they'd be good support for each other. But they weren't. She started using alcohol to replace herein, and he'd smoke a lot of cannabis to 'chill out'... she eventually left him to go back to her drug dealer ex.

He returned to his mum and dads and a few months later met me. His parents have apparently said I turned his life around and i'm the woman they always hoped he'd meet one day.

And tbh, up until having our DS and me losing my sex drive he was nothing but a perfect gent...seriously. Still is, apart from this sex issue

*Sorry about the post above, it's pasted previously copied text used in a previous post right into the middle of it!

Was meant to read:

Cailindana - he fell in love quite young at 16. She fell pregnant but being young her love for didn't last and when their son was less than a year old she dumped him for another guy. He doesn't tell me about the emotional side of this, just told me what happened. His mother tells me he was heartbroken and went off the rails falling in with a less than desirable crowd and doing recreational drugs. Eventually he realised it wasn't right so he took himself off travelling around Europe for a year. He came back and then just had a couple of relationships that had him fall back into drugs - he met a nurse who stole prescription drugs from work but that fizzled out. Then his sister set him up with her best friends sister who was a recovering heroin addict, thinking they'd be good support for each other. But they weren't. She started using alcohol to replace herein, and he'd smoke a lot of cannabis to 'chill out'... she eventually left him to go back to her drug dealer ex.

He returned to his mum and dads and a few months later met me. His parents have apparently said I turned his life around and i'm the woman they always hoped he'd meet one day.

And tbh, up until having our DS and me losing my sex drive he was nothing but a perfect gent...seriously. Still is, apart from this sex issue

So what next OP, just put up with his unwanted advances no matter what the cost to your own self esteem/pride.........?

Or, why not cancel the wedding plans, the plans you are making yourself as well as dealing with a child and go back home to your family, then, if you want to, meet him and discuss a future, if there is one, that involves a two way equal partnership, personally I don't think he is remotely capable of doing this, I think he is damaged beyond repair tbh. I would wonder as well if he was heavily into porn and control.

Does he see his other child?

No the sexual pestering, and not taking no for an answer does have to stop. I do agree with you all on that one. And he either will do as I ask or I will have to leave.

My problem is, is that I do feel partly at fault (please don't get angry with me - not everything is so black & white). Because sometimes I HAVE begrudgingly given in to his pestering for no reason other than to stop it and any resulting arguments. I HAVE pretended to enjoy it just so I can get it over with. Because he does like it if I climax and does try to ensure I do too, and does feel like a failure if it doesn't happen for me, but sometimes I just can't because the libido is non-existent (and the pestering put me off).

I had hoped I could just 'style it out' until my sex drive came back - but it never has. And I feel now I've kind of made my own bed, pretending and giving in to protect his feelings.

But it's getting to a point where I just can't keep it up and just saying no, or if we do have sex and I don't irgasm I have told him. Because I don't want to lie anymore.

But this is now the result...

He's not one to talk about feelings and likes to act like a man of steel. But I think it has affected him. I think he feels like a failure, unattractive and unloved. Like he's losing me, and feeling insecure. So instead of talking he's trying to force and pester me to 'love" him as that is the only way I can prove it...

I'm by no means saying it's right what he's done and im not in denial - it isn't right, I can't allow it anymore and I've got to lay this out to him clearly and tell him I will leave should it continue.

It's all just such a mess

Could you talk to your partner about going for some pre-wedding counselling somewhere like Relate? It fairly common and would be a non-aggressive way of talking through issues.
i have suffered similar problems but my DH dealt with it much better. My low sex drive (at the moment) frustrates him and our relationship can get very strained if we go too long so I have to force myself to make the effort. However I can say he has never nor would he ever penetrate deep without knowing I had consented and would not do so if I had said or indicated no. Talking with a professional would be embarrassing BUT will be a lot less embarrassing and painful than a failed marriage. Your in laws-to-be may be as supportive as you like but it will hurt them also if you marry their son whilst this is going on. Your DP is being very unreasonable to force you and pressure you in to sex. it wouldn't go away as a problem but you could get this sorted before the wedding but I think you will do this quicker with a professional. Perhaps talk to your GP as it's linked to your depression in a way.

Cailindana - yes he sees his other DS although he admits he was too young to have had a baby, and that the split caused him to go off the rails a bit and he didn't see him as much as should have. Plus his ex was, and still us, quite obstructive when it comes to OH wanting to get more involved in his life (schooling, parents evenings, holidays with us, special events and family occasions with us etc). She just wants him to pay maintenance and have him to stay when she wants to go out. He's now 14 and they do love each other. OH would do anything for him and makes sure he has everything he needs, but they're not as close as they should be and it's caused him some heartache and regret.

He's a very good father to our DS and developed a very strong bond - which I think is possibly another reason for feeling insecure about me not loving him...The fear that I will take another son away from him??

Sorry... Also you do sound like you have some issues surrounding sex and your upbringing that could be discussed during counselling too. That may help a lot which will in turn help your relationship problem.

Tell him exactly what you have written then - I'm afraid he sounds emotionally devoid so how you talk it out with him and come to a resolution is beyond me, I still think he will take, regardless of your feelings, even men who are frustrated don't act like this, they would talk to their partner and try to find a resolution that made both happy, not just go ahead and have sex with someone who has told them they are not in the mood or don't want it.

You did what you did to pacify him, if you truly love someone affection is more than enough to make them feel loved, it doesn't have to involve penetration. I think he uses sex as a way to control you and get his kicks, he doesn't seem to see it as two way street.

Believe me, he will know you have and are not that into it, unless you are a real amazing actress, it's the fact he doesn't seem to care about what you want, it's all about him.

Do you love him? Do you look at him and think 'wow that wonderful man is going to be my husband, I'm so lucky'?

Yes I love him.

We laugh together a lot. He's encouraging and supportive in all other aspects of my life. He always tells me I'm beautiful. He buys me little surprise gifts to cheer me up. Affectionate and not afraid to show it in public. He isn't possessive and I do my own thing without him checking up on me. He never tells me what I can or can't do. He's a great father. He helps around the house and does most of the cooking (because I'm crap at it or just loathe doing it!). He tells me all the time he thinks he's a lucky man to have me. There's no put'down comments or stopping me from doing anything... and I'm being totally honest here I'm not in denial.

Early on in our relationship I had anger issues and would literally destroy things - I would break mirrors because I hated the way I looked (a result of many years of bullying from school and more than one ex partner regarding my appearance) - he helped me over that. I don't do that anymore.

My horrible abusive ex was all of the above - violent, controlling, put me down all the time, slept with a friend... OH is all of the opposite... It really is just this loss of sex drive that's caused all this.

OP, most men would accept their partner was having a phase of low libido, it happens to all of us, men too, and most men would go off and have a want to be perfectly straight with you, not carry on regardless, I find it impossible to understand how you can actually have any respect for him when he does stuff like this, it's completely abusive.

I think maybe your past experiences are blinding you into believing you've got a good one, when he sounds nothing like that.

You owe him F A ,esp sex on demand, he's not a baby needing a feed fgs.

wank obv' not want lol.

It really is just this loss of sex drive that's caused all this.

No, Nanny. He is choosing his behaviour. He is causing it all.

It is not in any way your fault, or your lack of libido.

At this point, I doubt it's lack of libido, even. I'd be loathing the man who raped me.

I'm stressed miserable and have zero sex drive

So instead of trying to help you, for example with the wedding plans or taking time off work to give you a bloody break, he expects sex on tap whenever he feels like it, sorry but that is not the actions of a man that wants an equal relationship, or is concerned about making his partner happy - does he think you are a robot that he can just switch on and off, he'd be better getting himself a blow up doll.

Your ideals of what constitutes a healthy normal sex life are skewed I'm afraid OP, you seem solid in your view that the man's needs are priority, they aren't, not since the 1800s anyway.

All the things you describe about him are totally basic things that absolutely everyone should expect from a relationship. Just because he doesn't call you names doesn't mean you have to accept him raping you.

No I don't have to accept rape, and I won't any more...

Please know though that on the occasions he penetrated me without my consent I never allowed him to continue/finish I would always pull away and say "I'm really not in the mood" and he never forced it further. It never led to full intercourse - just penetration (although I do appreciate this still technically constitutes as rape and still very wrong)

And I have to take responsibility for mixed messages as I did sometimes give in and pretended when, I now realise with much regrettable hindsight, that I should have been thoroughly honest right from the start.

I have now spoken with him about this.

I have told him what he did was wrong. I actually expected a big row, for my depression to be blamed, and I was actually prepared to leave if he failed to acknowledge his actions. But he didn't blame me. In fact his was pretty much devastated. He acknowledged it all, agreed with everything I laid out and apologised profusely.

He said he thought I was playing hard to get again the other night. I was truthful and told him i had never been playing hard to get, I had simply been relenting to his pressure to pacify him. I accepted my responsibility for that but didn't apologise as I explained had he been more supportive instead of bullying I would have felt more comfortable being honest with him, and that I would no longer be doing this to please him.

I asserted that 'no' absolutely means NO and any more pressure and non-consensual penetration will result in me leaving. My body is to be respected and I am not his possession. The lack of sex is circumstantial and he will just have to accept it or leave.

He said he was just sad we weren't the fun-loving in-love couple we were before we had our DS and was trying to regain it. He felt unattractive and unloved. I told him I loved him but unfortunately things HAVE changed and he have to accept that, because he cannot treat sex as proof of love and force me into it.

He agreed

I can imagine you're all shaking your heads thinking I'm a mug, a glutton for punishment. But the sex issue is seriously the only issue. I've laid it all out to him and promised in no uncertain I will leave if it happens again.... and I really will

It does sound promising.

I just hope that he rises up to the challenge, and you too, if he continues as he has.

Good luck. (truly)

I agree with ppl about these things being just basic things. In fact my dog does many of those things.

I am concerned about his dating history and the idea it was all down to this split. EVERYONE has break ups but they don't give themselves permission to go off the rails and take drugs when there's a child involved. Where was his son when he was dating the heroin user ? Or when he fucked off for a year ? No wonder his parents say they are glad he's met you. It sounds like he's been nothing but grief to them for years.

Whether you want to see it or not your partner has had a long history of very bad choices and very poor boundrys. You say his dad and a friend make jokey sexual suggestions to you. Not only does your partner not have a problem objectifying you but he sits there and laughs when his dad and friend does it. How disgusting.

Where is your nearly 3 year old when fil and friend are making sexual suggestions at you ?

You've had lots of input, so don't think that I'm trying to cover all bases when I say two things. What is your GPs prognosis for starting to come off the antidepressants, and what contraception are you using?

I wouldn't necessarily talk too much to your df about either thing because it's too easy and mechanical a solution to what is clearly quite a complex emotional dynamic between you. But I can certainly say that I had no sex drive at all on antidepressants and on some types of contraception (and on contraception I didn't trust). So I think both things are part of the picture.

Well I've explained that I think it's inappropriate the way his father has taught him about sex, women & relationships and that he has to break the cycle because I absolutely refuse to have my own son brought up in the same way. And that as DS gets older he will see me being treated as such and think it's ok to do the same to other women... I will no longer stand for it. And OH agreed.

I changed to the coil after my miscarriage... I took the pill (various types over the yrs) not only as contraception but to help with hormonal imbalances due to PCOS. But I've had 3 unplanned pregnancies on the pill (1st resulted in termination, 2nd I had my DS, 3rd ended in miscarriage). The pill was proving unreliable for me, despite always being regular at taking it. I didn't want to risk any more unplanned pregnancies so now have the coil

I know me staying is not the result you were all looking for, but I still want to thank you all. You've helped me realise it wasn't my fault for losing my libido and gave me the confidence to confront him. You have helped to change my way of thinking. And if he doesn't change his way of thinking I will leave. He is now fully informed and armed with the truth. All my feelings came out and there's nothing he can be confused about... If it happens again there is no excuse and I will be gone

Are you still going through with the wedding? Is postpone it at least a year. Worried fir you that he might 'behave himself ' for a few weeks then revert to type whrn you're his wife. Have you spoken to.him about this?

Scuse the typos

Oh, I forgot the upcoming wedding.

Definitely postpone. Although... I think I have changed by limited optimism. I suspect he will indeed be on best behaviour till then. Even if you postpone for a year.

At worst, make sure it doesn't become so difficult for you to leave that you will end up putting up with his return to abusive behaviour. Because he almost certainly will.