Moving in together/deposit

[Fearless91]

I posted a thread last week about how down I was feeling about my life job wise.

Basically I work in a shop part time however I do full time hours but still earn peanuts. I'm trying to better myself with interviews and what not but so far I haven't been successful.
I'm also trying to clear my credit card debt from a previous relationship where I naively helped him out.

Anyway my boyfriend is the complete opposite. He has a fantastic career earning amazing money which he works hard for.

Here's where the issues are.

He's desperate to buy a house and is saving. His parents are also very keen for him to move out. I would also love to do this but unfortunately I'm not able to save a penny until 1) I find a new job and 2) I clear my debts.

But it makes me feel crap about our relationship. I worry that I'm gunna get left behind. I would never hold him back but I just feel like.. I'm not able to buy or save for a house yet so what's the point in being together if he's going to buy his own house? I'm 24 and he's 26. I don't want to move into his house... I'm not that naive. He can have me out at any time and I would have no rights. I've seen it happen to too many people around me. I don't wanna be paying off my boyfriends mortgage I want to be paying off our mortgage.

We have spoken about marriage and kids for in the future (not for a long time yet) which is a good thing.. But what's the point if we aren't even going to buy a house together? Again not his fault, but I don't want to have kids with somebody and live in his house. It wouldn't feel like home.

I'm sorry if this is really rambly or if I sound like a brat that isn't my intentions.
I'm not sure what I'm after really, suggestions/advice.
Think I'm just having a panic!

Thank you for all the replies.

We are both very certain about the future together. He's been the one who's brought up marriage and kids in the future but I've told him I don't want an engagement any time soon. And I would like to be married before having kids. I want to be far more stable in a career before any of that.

If it wasn't for his parents pushing him into moving out I don't think he would be doing it just yet. We spoke about travelling together and buying a house later on but his parents pretty much told him he could do as he wants but he could no longer live there if he spent the money on travelling instead of a house. That's why he's so desperate to get somewhere.

I don't expect him to buy a house and give me half of it, no way. Nor have I told him I don't see the point in the relationship. That's just what I wrote on here.. I realise how wrong that sounded.

He's always saying how much he can't wait for us to live together... But when he says things like "my house" that's what makes me worry - if we split.

I'm not envious of how well he's done. I'm happy and proud of him! He's worked hard and deserves good things.
Nor am I making excuses for my lack of ambition. I do have ambition which is why I'm trying to better myself. But financially it can be quite difficult.

I'm just a big over thinker and I worry a lot. I have this fear that I'll move into his house and I'll end up on the streets if things don't work out (even though so far I have no reason to think that). We are very committed to each other.

Why can't you see renting with him the same as renting elsewhere? Perhaps have a few months rent free in order to put aside some savings for a rainy day?

Or live separately as you are?

Or suggest he rents and you both go off traveling before settling down?

I'm tempted to stay living with my parents.
As I say he's only just starting to save so it won't be until at least next year that he moves and I'm hoping by then I'll have a new (better) job and cleared my credit card.

I'll talk to him. See what his ideas are. What he would want for rent etc and then weigh up what's best.
But there's no way he will rent. He rented with his best mate for 4 years and he said he wouldn't waste that money again especially now he's older.

Yeh, I think renting at his age is silly. If he can stay with his parents for a year, he'd save a fortune.

I'm going off rental prices in the north. Approx £500 a month for 2 bed place. Add bills on top, you're looking at about £850 a month. Over 12 months, that's just over £10k. My house deposit, legal fees and cost of a new kitchen were less than that on a 5% deposit for an £85k house.

You don't get half of it - you specify shares. So if he puts in 25% as deposit he gets 25% when you sell. If you then split the mortgage payments equally you each get half of any remaining equity after the mortgage is paid off. This is just something you have to discuss and agree.

I'm a bit confused.

Basically his parents want him to move out because he's 26 and it's about time as far as they are concerned?

He can go travelling, buy a house, do whatever he wants, he's an adult. They are saying he can spend his savings on buying a house, or he can spend his money on travelling. Either way they want him to move out - soon. He's saying oh, give me a chance to save for a deposit? He can spend his savings on travelling but if he then goes 'oh, I've spent all my money on travelling but now I have no money to buy a house [sad face]. Can I move back in with you? they will say no.

So if he buys a house it is because he needs to leave home, and has some sort of aversion to renting a flat or flatsharing, not because you two have decided this is the time for you two to buy a house together?

Is that about right?

I think you are being very unfair. You want to buy together, yet you have no money to contribute to a deposit, and then will also have no money to contribute to the mortgage or bills if he did put you on the deeds? (I assume, since you are struggling to make ends meet despite working full time hours and living at your parents for low/no rent?).

He should buy it himself. If he wanted you to, you could move in but you'd need to contribute something, and save yourself a rainy day fund in case you split up and he kicks you out. If you want the security of a tenancy then you'd need to pay rent.

Alternatively, if it works out and you sort out your debts, then if you get married then you will have more security. Then you won't be so vulnerable if you had DC, problem solved.

I really don't know what you are annoyed about.

What would you have done if he had already had a house when you had met him?

Would you be put off of moving in with him because he would've already paid the deposit and some of the mortgage?

As it happens, in my relationship the roles are reversed and my boyfriend is the one with debt and a poor paying shop job and I've got a decent paying role. I'm also looking into buying a house after I've saved up in a year or so. Would he be on the mortgage? Not unless he contributes the same amount I do, which is unlikely. So it will be my house. Just as your boyfriend's will be his. He can stay over for a few nights a week but he definitely won't be living there with out paying his way.

I don't see the problem. If in a few years you're still together then you can buy a house together and your boyfriend will have good credit which will help with buying the house.

Frankly, I would be very upset if I helped my DS get on the property ladder and his penniless girlfriend wanted to be on the mortgage without golddigger

Get a grip love. Most 24 year olds are in your situation. Live or don't live with your boyfriend. You do t have to contribute to the mortgage but it would be fair to pay a portion of your salary in 'rent' to cover bills etc. If the relationship ends, you find somewhere else to live in a house share or small flat which is what every other young woman of your age does.

I paid the deposit for our house when I bought it with DH, who was then just my boyfriend of 9 months. There was absolutely no question that we'd own it anything other than 50/50. He earns more than me but I had more money saved because I lived with my parents and he rented with friends. We're married now and everything has been equal since the day we moved in.

And FWIW, I'm the same age as you. Ignore comments about your age.

Would it be possible to draw up a legal agreement that protects his capital downpayment so that he doesn't lose it and it will increase (as a percentage) in line with any house price increase but that your contribution to a joint mortgage is also formal?

And my parents gave us a bit of money too, they would never have thought of DH has my "penniless boyfriend". How insulting. Seriously Tryharder, you'd resent helping out your son and his partner like that? I'm glad my parents think more of us.

Have you ever rented your own place before? I can understand that it makes sense see to live with your parents if you're low income, but you would be more confident about the whole situation if you knew you could maintain a tenancy by yourself. It's an important stage in becoming an independent adult in my opinion.

He's worked hard for his money and he can buy somewhere. All good. I don't see why you should be on the deeds or mortgage at all. Plus if you live with him you will be quite tied, and maybe play house- which is where perhaps your problem lies - a flat share is quite different.

You could use any spare cash to study, save and stay home if that's what suits you. Or pay rent and bills and food etc etc. or stay living at home and use your money to better yourself ( distance learning, all sorts of things) and have the odd weekend at his, maybe a few nights. Let him live alone/ with friends and get on with doing it all. It will certainly make him a better dh one day:)

He can have his place, rent it out to travel. And travelling costs money too, so if he wants to travel, he must have a buffer which by the sound of it you don't - so it's all a bit disorganised.

diploddycus Your situation is different, your then DP had a good job and was able to contribute to the mortgage, you just paid the deposit (incidentally, you and your DP did the same as me and mine). OP has nothing to contribute at all as she can't afford to pay for anything other than her debts. Therein lies the difference.

OP is not a Goldigger FFS.

Fearless,
I agree with other posters in that if you have been together for 3 years and there is no sign of marriage or a long-term commitment, then it's unlikely to happen.

IMO you need to take steps to advance your career and become self-supporting.
You say you work in a shop. Could you get on some courses at your workplace?/ask for more responsibility?/move to a shop with more scope for advancement?/ask for a pay rise?

Are there any skills you could develop to help you? Are you IT literate?

IMO before you worry about the relationship with your BF, you need to work on yourself.

There are loads of good jobs in the retail trade/customer services but you need to be skilled up in order to get them.

OP how can you afford to go travelling if you have debts? Surely any money you have should go towards paying off those debts. I think you're right to want to pay off your debts before you move out of your parents' house and start paying rent (or contributing to a mortgage).

It's understandable that you want to live with your partner but it sounds like you're not in a financial position to do so. With that in mind I don't see anything wrong with him buying a property (if he can afford to do so by himself). Whether he's living with his parents or in his house, the result is the same - you're still not living together. The difference is that you'll be able to stay at his house without parents being around, so you'll have more privacy and a better taste of what it would be like to live together. I think it would be a better solution that you moving out of your parents' house and into his house - it sounds too soon for that until you've improved your work situation, at least.

I'm not convinced about getting a mortgage together. That's a massive commitment to make without having lived together at all. If you split up it will be very complicated and expensive to sort it all out. Whereas if the mortgage is in his name only, there is nothing to lose. If you split up, you can both walk away. If you stay together, when it comes to selling his property you can use the equity to help you buy a house together.

FWIW, a few years into my relationship with my DH (boyfriend/partner at that point) he bought a property in his name only. He had savings and a good salary, I didn't. We had been renting together and we moved into "our" (technically his) new place. I had to sign a document saying I had no claim on the mortgage. I was happy to contribute because I could afford it and I would have been paying rent anyway. Within a year or two we got engaged and then married. After that we sold the flat and bought a house together. So it worked out.

I moved in with my ex-boyfriend after 18 months of dating, it was long distance, so made sense at the time. I was 18, he was 24, therefore the house was in his name only and I didn't even consider any problems. I just presumed it would all work out, maybe we would marry one day etc.

Looking back, I will never move into somebody else's house. When I split up with my ex it was all very messy and I was homeless within 24hrs. He wasn't anything but perfect towards me before that, so there was no inclination he would do that. I ended up sleeping on a friends floor for a week a rented house was being prepared. We had been together for 8.5 years at that point.

I have currently been renting with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and we plan to buy next summer. No way would I live in someone else's house, I can really see where the OP is coming from.

All the money spent on joint items, my animals, household items etc.. I lost a lot. I had no-where to go, no-where for animals in rented accommodation, I had no money. Yes, I could have saved up over the years and been better prepared but I was young and stupid.

I learned a big lesson.

Good luck OP. I would consider what another poster said about college/uni in the day time and a night job. I started college within a year of my breakup and a couple of years ago I got my degree. I now earn 5 times what I did back then, so you never know how your earnings will change and who might be made redundant etc..

AyeAmarok I don't think it is that different. In my case my DH was the OP (his job was full time minimum wage) and I'm the partner with savings. Surely the OP will still contribute as much as she can to the household bills.

Tbh I'm not sure you're ever going to progress to a better paid job because you seem to have a 'can't do' attitude.

There are ways around everything. As I said up thread, there's distance learning and there are grants available to pay for this too.

There's also self study with second hand and then you pay to sit exams as an external candidate. Nice and cheap.

There are those who find a way, and there are those who find excuses!

Here's a good link to info re learning that's not just for parents.

www.careersadviceforparents.org/p/open-and-distance-learning.html?m=1

All the money spent on joint items, my animals, household items etc.. I lost a lot. I had no-where to go, no-where for animals in rented accommodation, I had no money

But, with all due respect, had you not been living in your bf house, then surely you'd have been paying rent elsewhere for all those years. Rent that you never would have seen again?

It wasn't the lost money as such, it was the possessions I suppose.. The fact that I had to start again and he didn't have to do a thing. Also, my 2 dogs.. we both wanted them and because I could only afford a flat to rent then it was best for the dogs to stay with him and impossible for me to take them, so that's something I regret bitterly. The large sofa which wouldn't have fitted in my flat was purchased by me, a rocking chair passed down, a large cabinet my mum got me for Christmas one year.. all things I couldn't really take and couldn't move them out on my own.

I'm not saying it wasn't a fair split or anything, but it was probably the most stressful time of my life and I would risk that situation again.

The money side is crap, but it wasn't just about money for me.

Sorry, *wouldn't risk that situation again.