I don't want the bastard to get his hands my my inheritance!

[ALaughAMinute]

My elderly mother (90) has dementia and and is likely to die soon.

I want to divorce my husband and don't want him to stake a claim on my inheritance.

I made an appointment to see a solicitor on Friday. I had a quick chat with her on the phone and she told me that the only way I can secure my inheritance is to get a court order. Does anyone know how long it takes to get a court order?

I was in such a flap, I forgot to ask!

For my solicitor, I asked the chap who had two divorces and came out smelling of roses each time.

In fact his second wife, when she heard who he'd got practically caved there and then.

Laugh while you want to get a SHL who fights for a fair settlement you don't need to declare war on the STBXH. The priority in all this has been your DC and that is why you postponed leaving someone you obviously dislike. But it can't be good for the DC to hear and see such hostility. You will need to preserve a relationship as co-parents for future family occasions.
I divorced a man I utterly loathed and was afraid of when my DC were doing GCSE, A level and first year Uni respectively. They all did fine and we are still good at speaking to each other over support for the DC.
My DD1 says we have to "practise for weddings" so we have occasional family meals to celebrate a birthday or a graduation and I smile and chat away as if he was someone I liked. It all helps oil the wheels and makes the DC happy. They are not stupid and understand we are happier apart but they don't like the overt hostility.
The ongoing issue I struggle with is our mutual support of the DC at Uni. He is fixated on us doing it equally even though his income is three times mine. Solicitors are no help because it is an agreement between you and the DC not between the two adults concerned. I grit my teeth and do what he wants out of fear of crossing him if I am honest, and not wanting the DC to feel we are fighting over them. Two years and about £14000 to go and I shall be shot of him forever!

Top - you sound incredible.

Dowser, thanks for the support and the helpful suggestions, I will take everything on board you've said including being my own spy and watching what goes on his computer, although that will be difficult because I don't have his passwords. I will just have to hope that he leaves it on so I can have a quick peep.

Snoozy, you are right when you say the solicitor was a bit wishy-washy, I was talking to a friend on the phone last night (who has also gone through divorce) and she pretty much said the same thing, so I'm going to do some research next week and find myself the best lawyer in the area.

Top, I hear what you're saying about not wanting to go to war with him. Ideally I would like to go for an amicable divorce but sadly I don't think that is going to be possible.

I've got 2 DC's - one is already at uni and the other will be starting uni in September. I didn't realise that solicitors can't do anything to force payment - he earns approx 8 X more than me and I'm not sure if I'll able to contribute anything. I used to have a well paid job before I had children but these days I work four days a week and earn a pittance.

I'd like to think we could be civil one day in the way you've described but I'm wondering if that will be possible. I'll just have to hope he comes to his senses and does what is right for the DC's.

I'd like to think the DC's are old enough to realise that we will be happier apart but I still feel guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help feeling I've let them down in some way.

Strange, but after feeling initially elated last night, I feel a bit deflated this morning. The bastard gave me a cuddle in bed this morning and I couldn't help but feel sad that 20 years of marriage was finally going to come to an end - albeit a few months away. There are times when he's very kind and generous and other times when he's emotionally abusive and a control freak. I love him and hate him at the same time. I'm confused.

I know exactly what you mean Laugh. I was in the same boat, till he turned utterly loathsome and thankfully left for good.

Mine was playing with my emotions. I wised up though and began to see him for what he was.

It tells you everything when even when he knew he was dying he didn't want to be amicable.

Sent you a pm.

Laugh do it now. Like NOW

I think you're kidding yourself if you think not starting proceedings is protecting the kids. It's not. They are also living in this poisonous atmosphere. That's not good. Plus, at least your dc will be close by when the proverbial hits the fan, not alone in a new city wondering what's going on

Do it now.

I went out the area for mine....most of them were his drinking buddies ;-)

See it as something to be done and get your business head on.

Have a look at the piece I wrote in the thread The finding a divorce lawyer...

Oh yes my solicitor wanted a clean break...she knew all too well how exh wriggle out of payments

Sounds like an offer you can't refuse ;-)

Just before I went to town this afternoon I asked the bastard to print me off a label as I wanted to take a parcel to the Post Office. He bit my head off so I told him there and then that I wanted to divorce him! I said this in earshot of my 21 year old daughter but she didn't say anything. I told her some time ago that I was considering getting divorced so I don't think it came as a surprise.

The strange thing is when I came back from town the bastard asked me for a kiss and when I said "no" he slammed the kitchen door in my face! That's what I mean when I say he can be nice one minute and horrible the next. I can't cope with it!

Thank you Baby, I will PM you. I must look for the legal section because I've not seen it.

Thank you Dowser, I will check my inbox now.

Bit, you're right when you say I'm kidding myself - I think perhaps I've been sticking my head in the sand. I need to act now! I feel terrible though because it's my daughter's 21st in a months time and I wanted all to go out for a nice meal together but I'm not sure it will happen if the bastard has received a letter from my solicitor. There's always some reason to put off divorce and that's half the problem.

Mumsnet, has been a real help to me, I don't know what I would do without you ladies' to help me. Thank you.

He's not being nice one minute and horrible the next. He is being manipulative one minute and transparently horrible the next. They are two sides of the same coin.

It might not be a nice meal Laugh . He might have his shitty head on that night and deliberately ruin it for everyone just to get at you.

Dowser, that's true, he wouldn't care that it's my daughter's birthday, he'd go ahead and ruin it anyway. He's a selfish bastard!

Obviously we all have different tolerance levels but I think mine would be past the sharing a bed stage at this point.

Have you spoken to your daughter about any of this.

She sounds like a bright girl and she must be pretty fed up of the happy family charades.

I reiterate ..I wouldn't ask him to do anything for you. It's actually just an open invitation to abuse you in some way.

At the very start of our breakdown in relationship I booked a week away in Spain. I said to my daughter I was thinking of asking her dad to run me to the airport.

She just said mum get a taxi, why have him all nasty and miserable sat beside you. Wise girl my daughter. So that's what I did.

Each time you do something for yourself you claw a bit more indepence back. It's very empowering.

I'd rather sleep on the sofa or a put you up bed in the living room than share one minute on bed with someone I loathed.

I agree with others who say go ahead now (if this is really what you are going to do). The first few months at university can be turbulent and I don't think you will be doing your dd2 any favours by waiting until she has left. As you say there is always a reason to delay - birthdays, exams, graduations, weddings, grandchildren, ill health, death....

Agree with dowser about your living arrangements. It sounds like he is not really getting what you say - you say you want a divorce but then he wants a cuddle in bed. You say you want a divorce and then he wants to kiss you. So you have to show that you are serious...

Good point about the sleeping arrangements Dowser and Venu.

I'm sitting here wondering why I haven't moved into the spare bedroom and I think it's because I'm scared of rocking the boat. If I move into the spare bedroom the bastard will make my life hell by being in a permanent bad mood and emotionally and physically abusing me.

I don't want to upset the children. Until a couple of weeks ago my son was taking his A levels and I wanted to keep things as calm. My daughter knows I'm not happy because I've told her but I don't think my son has a clue. Okay, I think he probably has an idea we're not happy but I don't think he knows I want a divorce. I will have to tell them one day of course but I don't think I'm ready yet. Crazy though it may sound, I don't want to upset my son before he starts uni.

Just thinking about it, I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on the pretense.

I'm going to see another solicitor next week and if I like what he/she has to say, I will ask them to act straight away. I will then tell the children that we are going to get divorced and move into the spare bedroom, and if the bastard makes my life hell I'll go and rent a room somewhere, but I won't move out until the DC's start uni in September.

I don't really want to leave him alone to sell the house but if he makes my life hell I'll have no choice.

How does that sound?

Good point about the sleeping arrangements Dowser and Venu.

I'm sitting here wondering why I haven't moved into the spare bedroom and I think it's because I'm scared of rocking the boat. If I move into the spare bedroom the bastard will make my life hell by being in a permanent bad mood and emotionally and physically abusing me.

I don't want to upset the children. Until a couple of weeks ago my son was taking his A levels and I wanted to keep things as calm as possible. My daughter knows I'm not happy because I've told her but I don't think my son has a clue. Okay, he must have an idea but I don't think he knows I want a divorce. I will have to tell them one day of course but I don't think I'm ready yet. Crazy though it may sound, I don't want to upset my son before he starts uni.

Just thinking about it, I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on the pretense.

I'm going to see another solicitor next week and if I like what he/she has to say, I will ask them to act straight away. I will then tell the children that we are going to get divorced and move into the spare bedroom, and if the bastard makes my life hell I'll go and rent a room somewhere, but I won't leave until the DC's start uni in September.

I don't really want to leave him alone to sell the house but if he makes my life hell I'll have no choice.

How does that sound?

Oops, not sure what happened there!

It's your call LAugh. Only you know your personal circumstances and how high your tolerance levels are.

One day the shit is going to hit the fan . No matter how you try to contain it and it will get nasty.

Men like him don't like to be thwarted and they will turn up the volume...believe me.

Mine would have loved to have hit me and he came close. He got so threatening and wouldn't let me go to bed that I went to call the police. He snatched the phone out of my hand. Unbeknown to me the police called round in the middle of the night and didn't try to rouse anyone. I could have been dead. They knocked on the door in the early morning and the bastard had skipped out. I had to face the humiliation on my own.

That was just one incident and there were loads.

It's true what they say though...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

can I just say.that this post just goes to.show the bias.here. if this were a man saying he didn't want his wife getting her hands on his inheritance, and therefore wanted to divorce double quick (despite things being not so bad, that they still share a bed ) the advice would be very different!!

Dowser, that sounds terrible, thank God you survived and are now free of the bastard! I hear what you're saying about turning up the volume and I fully expect things to get worse, that's why I think I might have to move out. He's only ever physically abusive when the children aren't here so that's another reason not to look forward to September!

Patch, read the fucking thread, my husband has been emotionally and physically abusive. Take your unhelpful comments elsewhere!