Can't quite believe I'm posting

[HowDidWeGetHereSoQuickly]

I just want some advice really. My dh is a really good bloke. Really good. But for the past 8 months he's been depressed and things have changed. This weekend it all came to a head and I feel like a fool.

Relevant background? Both on our second marriages, early 40s. I have dcs from first marriage and we have 2 of our own. He does half of all childcare, housework when he's home.

We've had a rough year. I was pregnant with our youngest, there were complications for me and physically I struggled a lot, I'm gradually improving 6 months on, but it's been tough. Dh stepped up and got on with the physical side of things that needed doing, but had recently been signed of work with depression, and so needed an awful lot of emotional support.

But things were ok. He went to gp, started CBT counselling, ADs. We happily admitted this was a hard bit.

I found things hard when heavily pregnant and immobile and in pain, dh withdrew all affection from me. We talked about it often, but nothing really changed. I was struggling with my own MH issues but couldn't lean on him. When I tried to talk to him about things it always came back to his depression and me comforting him. So I stopped telling him when his actions upset me, because it always ended up worse for me than if I just got on with it. He was ill. It would get better. "This isn't forever" was and is my mantra.

Anyway, one of his issues is that he has very low self esteem. This weekend he asked me to set him up a POF profile and run it for him so that he could see that people did find him attractive. He said it didn't matter that I always told him I did, because I was biased, and he needed this boost.

He said this last thing Friday night, after an evening where we'd spent the whole time laughing, hugging, kissing, and I thought we were getting somewhere. I said I thought it was a bad idea, and he went to sleep.

I barely slept. The next morning, it felt like something snapped. How dare he ask me to put myself through the humiliation of finding random strangers to chat him up, just so he could get an ego boost? How dare he want strangers to desire him and not me? I was very upset.

We talked about it and he admitted that it hadn't even crossed his mind that I would be upset. In fact he hadn't even considered my feelings at all. After reflecting he admitted that he doesn't consider my feelings anymore, that when I encouraged him to put himself first and treat himself, it replaced how he used to treat me.

I hope that all makes some sense.

So now I look back over the past few months and so much makes sense. In may I started rape crisis counselling for what happened in my previous marriage, and he kept forgetting I was even going, then laying more things on me when I was already dealing with my own stuff. All the time I was putting him first he was not even considering me.

I tried to tell him a couple of months ago that I wasn't coping, I was hallucinating and worried I was going under with the stress of it all. Even that conversation ended with talking about how he was really going to start doing his CBT, and get better.

My dh is an amazing, good and lovely man. He has been there for me in the past in so many ways, just as I have for him.

He's promising to get back in the habit of thinking of me. I can't imagine getting out of that habit. That's what our relationship was built on, caring for each other. But he's ill and I should be making allowances, but I'm so hurt.

We had a rare night out the other week. He knew I was nervous going to a new place (he goes monthly), it's a musician night and he plays. Some other players invited us to join them, dh sat across both seats so I couldn't, so I just sat on my own. I have ASD and was struggling because I didn't know the etiquette and how I was supposed to behave so assumed I wasn't supposed to sit with them. Dh ignored me. It was horrible. He'd been so pleased that we had a babysitter and I could come. None of it made sense.

I'm really rambling now. There have been so many incidents like that in the past 6 months. I'd felt so unloved and unable to put my finger on why. Now it all makes sense.

I won't be treated as a second class citizen in my own home and in my own life. For years he has been good and kind and thoughtful.

Tell me it's just the depression and it'll go away?

Please be gentle.

There you go, if all else fails... Exorcism

Exorcism is clearly the solution :o

Oh that has cheered me up.

But I'd don't want the ex back, i want the current one exorcised.

Waffly, that helped a lot. Thank you.

We have talked some more and he is trying. He is completely accepting of my feelings, not dismissing anything, and whilst he has given a list of things he will be doing to help his depression, the focus has been on that.

I believe him when he says that he thought depression was the bad guy and if he could focus on that, he could fix everything. Throw in the numbness of emotions and him not realising that his automatic "is dw ok?" Had gone, and he took the selfish option and ran with it.

Is it ok? Absolutely not. Am I going to be treated like this anymore? No.

He has a chance to change completely and permanently. He accepts that his illness did not cause this, he did with his choices and that he made choices that hurt me.

He's asked that any time I remember something else, no matter how small, that I kept to myself, that hurt me, that I tell him.

Funnily enough I'm feeling pretty numb towards him at the moment.

Time will tell.

Sorry, that should say "the focus has been on me, not him"

What is his explanation for excluding from the group when you were out last week and ignoring you when you were out together?

That goes way beyond "numb" or "overly focused on himself" and well into "cruel" and "deliberately humiliating you".

HowDidWe

I think you need to give your own feelings the validation they deserve, yes he is going through depression but this does not make your feelings or anything your going through any less valid. Your own hardships and struggles deserve recognition and support too!

I can see from your posts that you love him very much and that you have done what any good caring and concerned partner would do in that you have tried to give him space to put himself first, and to take what pressures you can away from him so he can focus on himself. Whilst that is all lovely, you have unwittingly created a situation where he has learned or become accustomed to being selfish, self centred and absorbed in whats going on with him to the point he has forgotten and gotten used to not even considering you anymore.

In your later posts I can see your softening in with you speaking about him wanting to make things better, but your also still out raged at how he has treated you. Your anger and hurt is real, and you need to give air to this to avoid resentment and also so he can truly understand the depths of your hurt in how he has treated you and how it has all made you feel. If he can really grasp the effect his behaviour has had on you then there is hope that he can fix it and make the changes that need changing.

My main concern would be that while he has said he is sorry, will do anything he can to make it better, fix things etc is that he has been so comfortable being selfish and self centred all this time that it will now be a hard habit to break. You are essentially asking him to learn to consider you again, and to remember to think about how you feel and what support, love and affection you may need. He needs to become a participating partner in your relationship again.

There is no need to stop supporting him with his depression, but he also has to be supporting you too! In order for your relationship to be healthy for the future it has to go back to being a two way street, with give and take and support on both sides. You need to stop putting yourself last, or your needs below his, and he needs to start putting your needs and feelings on equal importance with his own.

I hope it all works itself out for you OP, as you've been and wonderful and caring partner to your DP and you deserve to be happy too.

Bathtime, this is what he has said (and admitted that this was self serving and selfish and nasty), he had it in his head that I was going along to his thing almost as a spectator. When he sat and blocked me from joining him he saw that I had sat alone, but since I didn't object he decided that's what I wanted. He didn't intend to ignore, but once everyone started playing he wanted to join in, not pay me attention.

It wasn't nice to hear. I said, "so basically you looked at me, decided I must be happy despite knowing that I hate sitting alone in a pub, and decided that since I hadn't said anything (which would have involved shouting over a group of strangers)? You basically looked for the evidence to support what it was you wanted to do most. Then actively ignored me because paying attention would have meant you had to stop for 5 minutes, and you didn't want to."

we need to talk more about that. Seeing his actions through my eyes has genuinely shocked him. He considers himself caring and kind, so having to see that I see him as selfish and nasty has jolted him.

Lilly, thank you, I do have a habit of putting my needs at the bottom of the pile and feeling guilty if I even consider putting them first. I was still relying on the idea that I was safe to do that because dh would do it for me. That he would have my best interests at heart. And he hasn't.

I feel so angry with him for being so selfish. Right now I don't know how to get back. I feel so very distant from him.

He didn't intend to ignore, but once everyone started playing he wanted to join in, not pay me attention.

If he didn't intend to ignore you, why did he deliberately block you from joining the group?

If he had made room for you and then got totally caught up with playing and ignored you, then his explanation/justification would make sense.

But he acted so that you would be forced to sit alone.

It is a lie to say that he saw you sitting there and thought you were happy.

He forced you to sit alone so that you wouldn't have any part of his evening.

He didn't want to introduce you. He wanted to be able to act as though he was out by himself.

Why?

Bathtime, he doesn't have an answer. My self esteem is high enough that I know it's not because he'd be ashamed to be seen with me.

He used to always go on his own or with a friend. A few months ago I suggested that if ever we had a sitter maybe I could go too. He was really enthusiastic about it all. When my DM offered to babysit he was the one who arranged it and was pushing for me to go too.

Perhaps I've become such a prop in his life, that I really was just there to watch and feed his ego. That he didn't treat me as a person in my own right, just his audience. When he realised that would involve spending time with me, and not just playing, he made excuses to himself to justify being a selfish arse.

It makes me very sad to know that he could do any of this.

Compare it to going out previously, he was attentive, chatty, wouldn't see me without a drink in my hand. Wouldn't have dreamt of leaving me alone.

Ok, that was just going out and not going to his thing, but he'd never been anything but with me before.

His music is his one major indulgence and I'm beginning to think that it trumps me. Which is not an option going forwards. I love that he has a hobby he enjoys, but not at the expense of my feelings.

Where are the children in all this? Didn't you say in your OP you have a baby?

I don't mean to be insensitive but all this talk about putting you before himself is leaving me with a hanging jaw thinking....aren't you BOTH putting your children before each other?!

The children are fine and happy. Where do you think they are? I said in my first post he's a great hands on dad and step-dad. That hasn't changed. Perhaps that's where all his effort goes.

In your OP you talk about him being amazing and great (when he's clearly not), so it's hard to know what you're remembering him like from past and what his actual actions are now.

His actual actions with the dcs haven't changed. He still is involved in every aspect of their care and lives. In fact that was one of his first questions when he realised he'd been nasty, whether I had noticed if he'd changed in his treatment of the dcs too.

Although I admit I'd be a better mother if I had more energy right now.

It's interesting that he's only become selfish and self-obsessed in his dealings with you, not with the DCs or presumably the friends he goes out with.

There's a book called 'Boundaries' which might be helpful since it seems as though your boundaries have slipped (or you haven't had them in the first place)

That's what leaves me with no doubt that this was a choice that was made.

OP, I namechanged to come on here and post a thread that is sadly all too similar to yours. Before I go off to post my own, I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel and I know how heartbreaking it is.

My husband is also depressed. He thinks he's better because he's no longer suicidal and can get out and about, but actually he's still in that selfish, obsessive world (and I've been depressed myself and I know it all too well). He's acting so similar to your DH. He has said some thoughtless and heartbreaking things and his rationale is completely illogical. I am telling myself that he is NOT the man I knew, and he's not back to himself yet. He is ill - not that he accepts that.

Like you, I want my normal DH back. I think that's possible because it's an illness, not a character flaw. I'm just struggling to work out how we get to that place. You have my empathy and I wish you all the hope I have.

(Also, thank you britneyspearscatsuit for posting words that really resonate with me. I hope they help the OP too)

Thanks Boxes, sorry you're going through this too.

I think the bit about boundaries is really important (not that I'm taking responsibility for dh's behaviour at all, that's all his fault), when someone's ill for whatever reason, we are more lenient with demanding respect, because we want to be understanding and caring. But actually that does no one any favours. The ill person learns they can be selfish and heartless and there are no consequences, and falls into bad habits (that previously they may not have), and you are drained and exhausted by the hurt they cause making you less able to be the support they actually need.

My plan going forward is to take no shit. I am not here to cure him. I am not here to make him feel better. I am not a prop. I am a person. I have my own needs and my own issues and I am not protecting him from them anymore. His illness is his responsibility. If he says something that hurts me (no matter how small) I will call him out then and there and tell him it's not acceptable.

That's my long term plan anyway, not to fall back into people pleasing when no one is pleasing me.

In the short term, I won't be doing any of that. If he does anything disrespectful or hurtful then he can leave. If he gets better we can talk then about whether or not the split is permanent.

OP I think you and your partner should try couples therapy. From a couple of comments you made it sounds like you think of it as a last resort or only something for couples in deep trouble. But it's not. If you're both having individual therapy then I'm sure you understand the benefits of it.
DH had couples therapy for a very specific issue (and we were otherwise very happy in our relationship) and it really helped us.
I think you both need to carry on with your own counselling but also doing some together might help to rebalance your relationship so it becomes two-way again.

Meant "DH and I " sorry!

Emma, I think I'm coming round to that. Dh is keen for us to go.