Can't quite believe I'm posting

[HowDidWeGetHereSoQuickly]

I just want some advice really. My dh is a really good bloke. Really good. But for the past 8 months he's been depressed and things have changed. This weekend it all came to a head and I feel like a fool.

Relevant background? Both on our second marriages, early 40s. I have dcs from first marriage and we have 2 of our own. He does half of all childcare, housework when he's home.

We've had a rough year. I was pregnant with our youngest, there were complications for me and physically I struggled a lot, I'm gradually improving 6 months on, but it's been tough. Dh stepped up and got on with the physical side of things that needed doing, but had recently been signed of work with depression, and so needed an awful lot of emotional support.

But things were ok. He went to gp, started CBT counselling, ADs. We happily admitted this was a hard bit.

I found things hard when heavily pregnant and immobile and in pain, dh withdrew all affection from me. We talked about it often, but nothing really changed. I was struggling with my own MH issues but couldn't lean on him. When I tried to talk to him about things it always came back to his depression and me comforting him. So I stopped telling him when his actions upset me, because it always ended up worse for me than if I just got on with it. He was ill. It would get better. "This isn't forever" was and is my mantra.

Anyway, one of his issues is that he has very low self esteem. This weekend he asked me to set him up a POF profile and run it for him so that he could see that people did find him attractive. He said it didn't matter that I always told him I did, because I was biased, and he needed this boost.

He said this last thing Friday night, after an evening where we'd spent the whole time laughing, hugging, kissing, and I thought we were getting somewhere. I said I thought it was a bad idea, and he went to sleep.

I barely slept. The next morning, it felt like something snapped. How dare he ask me to put myself through the humiliation of finding random strangers to chat him up, just so he could get an ego boost? How dare he want strangers to desire him and not me? I was very upset.

We talked about it and he admitted that it hadn't even crossed his mind that I would be upset. In fact he hadn't even considered my feelings at all. After reflecting he admitted that he doesn't consider my feelings anymore, that when I encouraged him to put himself first and treat himself, it replaced how he used to treat me.

I hope that all makes some sense.

So now I look back over the past few months and so much makes sense. In may I started rape crisis counselling for what happened in my previous marriage, and he kept forgetting I was even going, then laying more things on me when I was already dealing with my own stuff. All the time I was putting him first he was not even considering me.

I tried to tell him a couple of months ago that I wasn't coping, I was hallucinating and worried I was going under with the stress of it all. Even that conversation ended with talking about how he was really going to start doing his CBT, and get better.

My dh is an amazing, good and lovely man. He has been there for me in the past in so many ways, just as I have for him.

He's promising to get back in the habit of thinking of me. I can't imagine getting out of that habit. That's what our relationship was built on, caring for each other. But he's ill and I should be making allowances, but I'm so hurt.

We had a rare night out the other week. He knew I was nervous going to a new place (he goes monthly), it's a musician night and he plays. Some other players invited us to join them, dh sat across both seats so I couldn't, so I just sat on my own. I have ASD and was struggling because I didn't know the etiquette and how I was supposed to behave so assumed I wasn't supposed to sit with them. Dh ignored me. It was horrible. He'd been so pleased that we had a babysitter and I could come. None of it made sense.

I'm really rambling now. There have been so many incidents like that in the past 6 months. I'd felt so unloved and unable to put my finger on why. Now it all makes sense.

I won't be treated as a second class citizen in my own home and in my own life. For years he has been good and kind and thoughtful.

Tell me it's just the depression and it'll go away?

Please be gentle.

What about YOUR self esteem - ignoring you when you went out TOGETHER and asking you to set up a POO profile so he can see if other women still find him attractive... jeez, that can't be doing your self esteem or your own MH issues any bloody favours!

This is meant to be a partnership but where's the equality here? You poor woman... maybe some relationship counselling that you go to together?

Sorry, POF profile, not POO!

I have a couple of friend who are depressed, clinically, the lot, they don't treat their partners or their friends like shit, he sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing and he makes sure he does it, time to put yourself first here darling, enough is enough, he's just plain nasty.

Wow op he really crossed the line with POF.

I think you need to fix you now not him. You can't fix him anyway - only he can do that. I think you have become so bogged down with him and his needs that you have got lost. Regardless how he was in the beginning he isn't like that now and looking back at the old him will only keep you trapped on this horrible merry go round where only he exists.

I rarely say leave but if it was me I'd push for a break - so you can work on you and he can try and get his act together. Because he won't while you are being his crutch.

op I start therapy for child hood abuse next month and my DP is taking it very seriously and is very encouraging about it, I couldn't bare it if he didn't because it would be compounding that it was really that bad. The fact that your dp isn't being like this shows he doesn't care - which is really bad for you . He is probally making your MH so much worse - and your self esteem.

Have the odd nice evening in is not worth the shit your putting up with now, honestly he sounds like he is really fucking with your head.

I do need to put me first now. I am so tired all the time (not surprising with small dcs, but it's more than that).

I really don't want to admit that in such a short time things have gotten so bad that we could do with relationship counselling.

9 months ago, I didn't have any worries about us. We knew his mental health was suffering, but he was still him, supportive lovely dh. He's encouraged me to get help for my past for years, and was so supportive and positive about putting myself forward for proper counselling finally. I couldn't ever have even got in touch with them without his help.

I think I can actually pinpoint the change. It was the week he was signed off work with stress. I booked him a surprise massage to help him relax. Drove him there, told him it was time he started looking after himself and then we went for icecream.

It was after that that things got worse. It's like he couldn't focus on anyone else once he'd decided to focus on the depression. I know he was terrified of being ill for long and losing his job. I think he thought that if he took his eye off the ball it would win.

I don't plan to LTB over this. I mostly need to rant. All practical help in drawing boundaries would be great too.

I do appreciate the advice to LTB too, but he's currently a git, not a bastard. He gets this one chance to sort it, and then I'll upgrade him to bastard. He's seen how hurt I am. If he carries on regardless then I know that no matter what he says there is no love or respect here.

Bugger. I really I thought I had a good one.

Do read 'depression fallout' it's a real light bulb moment. You can down load it.

I think you both need space. He massively disrespected you and your minimising it. Even if you don't split up maybe him moving out and focusing in himself and you having breathing space to look after you might help.

Has he actually even started his therapy yet?

In my book asking the mother of your child and partner to sign you up to a bloody dating agency is LTB tackle. You need to see that for what it is and not the feeble recognition when you called him out on it. I'm sorry op but you come very low on his list of priorities. Has his mind that far gone he didn't see how fucking offensive that is?

He's been getting CBT since January, stI'll waiting for the talking therapy, he had some through work last year, but used up his quota.

I'm not minimising it. I feel massively disrespected. In some ways I'm grateful that he decided to push me this far. Up until then I was a slowly boiling frog putting up with more and more. This has opened my eyes to how bad things are and how much things need to change.

I am raging. And I am telling him every tiny thing I can remember where I've felt anything less than cherished, and he is taking it and apologising and letting me rant (which is the least he can do).

My self-esteem had taken a bashing, I'm lucky in that I've just lost a load of weight, so at least he wasn't kicking me whilst I was down. Obviously I feel shit that my opinion means so little to him, when the only person in the world I want to hear finds me attractive, is him. But I have a pretty good idea generally of my self worth. I've worked really hard on it since my first marriage.

I've told him I need space. I need regular time to myself away from him and the dcs. And he's readily agreed to all that.

he has treated me badly, hasn't he? :(

I do think he genuinely didn't see how offensive it is. He didn't say it in a sheepish or embarrassed way, it was more a casual, "ooh, I've had this
Idea that could help!"

But he admits that he didn't consider my feelings at all, and that's horrible.

Have sent you a PM, HowDid.

Yeah he has

Really try and read 'depression fallout' it's really easy to read and it's written from the side of what happens to a family when someone starts behaving like this. It's really insightful.

depression does steal people away from families but it doesn't mean that every has to put up with it because they are ill. Would you put up with it if some one was a drug abuser or alcoholic ? No you'd tell them to go away and get sorted and that the door may be open when they get back.

I'm glad your taking stock of the situation howdid but don't let you get brushed under the carpet for him

Tbh I don't know if that's worse, to be so disconnected with reality that he assumes you'd be ok with him on a dating site. How is he supposed to pull him self back if he is already that far gone? Maybe he just made all the right appropriate noises after you pulled him on it to placate you. It's a huge red flag where his mind is at.

He had two days between coming up with idea and mentioning it. At no point in those two days did any part of brain say, "bloody hell, this will upset dw"

With hindsight he says that he would hate it if I were to suggest anything like that, and he can see how obviously appalling it is. So what is missing that he didn't think that before?!!!

And thanks Donkeys

He just thought you would roll over and take it.

Him going in there would have been permission for him to cheat. He would have started messaging women back and blaming it on 'he was feeling down and they where friendly'

The fact he needs other women to validate him would really worry me. I'd start getting your finances in order.

Were*

I'll go against the grain here by saying that if your self esteem is in tatters (as it is with depression) then your spouse thinking you are great isn't enough to make you feel good. None of the usual things work. It's a bottomless pit of blackness. Your sense of self is diminished. I don't think he wants to find out if other women find him attractive or not...I think he asked something outrageous and you've every right to be upset) but the fact he suggested it shows:

a) your relationship is strong enough for him to be open with you about his fears and feelings

b) He's not seeking female attention behind your back

c) He is feeling very low self esteeem and is searching for answers

c) How "mental" his thought track obviously is. who suggest their wife get them a dating profile???!!!

I do think some of the people here, as I have read on many threads will say they had a friend with depression who didn't do x,y,z.

Depression affects diferrent people in many ways. Some people it's milder, some people hate themselves, some people hate everyone else, some feel irritated, some feel empty....it affects the brain, the emotions, the actions, the thoughts.

I have known probably a ozen close friends and family members who have had depression. None of them treated their spouse like shit.

My ex treated ME like shit when he got it, because his particular brand of it was aggressive, angry, terrified. I found bounty of people online in the same boat too. it's a common reaction. That's why there's books and websites on it (go and check out www.storiedmind.com).

I'm not saying his behavior is acceptable, or excusable...it's not and you need boundaries BUT....If your husband was a wonderful man and husband before he was depressed and he's not being those things now (ie: his behavior is out of character) then you can probably safely say he will go back to how he was when cured.

Some of the people here might not have experienced depression in it's worse forms. Imagine how irrational, hopeless and self hating you need to feel to commit suicide? Millions of depressed people do this.

If I could list the (frankly) crazy behavior of my ex when he was depressed I'd shock you. It was awful. It was also not him. It was him depressed.

I think I was the only thing he was sure about. He was secure that I love him and that he could tell me anything.

We're in the process of talking. He's suggested I have two nights a week to myself to do what I want, but then followed it up with "and I'll have one". Which I don't object to, but it adds a layer of self-serving to his offer.

He keeps saying he does care, "inside" but it hasn't translated into actions. I keep giving examples and saying, "how does this show care?" And he says it doesn't.

How did I not notice what a doormat I'd become?!

I feel crap

FFS, I was having rape counselling, and he just forgot

His excuses are that he does care, that he didn't think, that he thought the root of all problems was his depression, so if I was sad, he should concentrate more on himself to make it better.

I am very sad tonight.

It would be nice if more of you could just say I'm overreacting and my expectations are too high...

I virtually never say this bit this man sounds ill

very out of character behaviour like this could indicate a brain tumour or other organic illness of the nervous system

it's not unheard of

neither has cuntitis

you seem to think it isn't cuntitis, maybe he should get a physical check up at the gp

if he passes that, then all the previous advice you have been given stands

AF

I don't want him to be ill. I'd probably prefer it if he was a cunt.

But it's really not like him.

If it's not like him then it's being caused by something, depression or maybe something else. He says he cares for you but it seems like he can't 'feel' it right now. If he's depressed he's not feeling very much of anything I expect. Up until 6 months ago you would never have doubted it. I think the POF is the illness talking, not him. That's not to say that you shouldn't have boundaries or should put up with crap but it sounds like if you explain your pov to him he understands and wants to do what he would normally do but he's not able to empathise/pick up cues/see that things might be an issue just now without clear communication from you.