Help me deal with moodswings without destroying DP

[WrathoftheBanshee]

Sorry if this turns into a bit of a novel:

Have been with DP 5 years, love him to pieces - we're really happy together. He makes me laugh everyday and is genuinely the most kind and caring person I know.

There are things he does which irk me, which is natural. I'm sure I irritate him in a minor way from time to time.

However, a week or two before my period, for 2 - 3 days, I get mind-bending rage at him, lose my temper, resent everything he does/says, am generally evil (completely overreact and say horrible things) and have near panic attacks that we are not right for each other and I'm making a huge mistake. This is followed almost immediately by massive guilt, fear of losing him and more panic.

His crimes are as follows:

He will occasionally leave clothes in the bathroom (on the floor), instead of putting them away immediately, as I would do.
He also leaves empty toilet rolls lying around rather than change the toilet roll properly.
Forgets on rare occasions to clean the toilet bowl after himself. Or doesn't do it as well as I would like.
He seems incapable of eating cereal and milk with out slopping it about (bringing the spoon up to his mouth before the milk has fully stopped running off it - or he will lift the bowl up to just under his chin and spoon from there - noisy and unattractive to watch)

Just typing that has given me the rage again. He is a lovely man. I am an evil, hormonal banshee.

The moodswings are completely OTT and ridiculous and DP gets the full force of my PMT rage every month

I've looked on the health boards and there seem to be a few medical things I could try but I want to know what I can do practically - all I can think of is leaving the house and only coming back to sleep on those days, which is not going to work.

I was thinking I can mark the days on the calendar so he knows to go out with his mates or keep himself busy (away from me!) or something?

AIBU? Any suggestions? Is it just me?!

Wrath - I'm the same.

Once a month I hate DH and can't stop crying and don't want to be with him. Then my period arrives and it all makes sense.

Would a doctor take this seriously?

Beautiful - that's exactly it.

I know it's not DP who is the problem - I commute in London and the venom I feel for certain other commuters at that time of the month is terrifying. Everyone pisses me off. I find myself gripping my handbag tighter and walking faster, for the fear that I might suddenly have an uncontrollable, sweary, shouty outburst because of their slowness or irritating arm/handbag swinging...

Luckily the only thing stronger than my absolute hatred of them is my deep-rooted desire to not cause a scene

Yes they should take it seriously. If they don't, go see someone else.

You've got sufficient insight to realise that you're having extreme reactions to really quite mundane things. That's not within normal range but it IS treatable.

It's heartbreaking how many women suffer terribly with pmt, terrible periods etc. these things are generally fixable, if you have a good GP.

I'd be inclined to suggest taking the Prozac short term but also trying CBT to help you manage it without chemicals, long term.
The calendar is a good idea, I might use it too...

They ought to take it seriously beautiful liar. I should also say that there are other treatments that can be tried too and that work is ongoing in the area of understanding why these treatments might work and how effective they are.

Here's the GP notebook page on it, with links to the evidence base: www.gpnotebook.com/simplepage.cfm?ID=-1737818033

ARHP site (American but may be useful in terms of 'staging' the severity): www.arhp.org/Publications-and-Resources/Quick-Reference-Guide-for-Clinicians/PMS/Treatment

How I feel your pain.

I'm absolutely awful when I get PMT.

I doubt anything can calm your rage. I believe it is due to the progesterone hormone and I have read that a cure is more oestrogen around that time.

I went to my GP and she said she would refer me to a consultant but I didn't go.

Yes white carbs make the pmt worse.

Take all the vitamins they recommend on here.

I have some microgynon (sic) to take while I'm on my hols to avoid bleeding so I'm a little worried now after reading that!

Hormones are nasty and not enough attention is paid by the professionals on how detrimental they are to women imo.

If you ever find a break through let me know!

And the RCOG guidance. Take a look at Figure 1, section 6.2 to get a sense of the breadth of available first line treatments. They include: exercise, CBT, vitamin B6, the pill and low dose SSRIs (prozac).

www.rcog.org.uk/globalassets/documents/guidelines/gt48managementpremensturalsyndrome.pdf

When I get in an irrational bad mood, I tell everyone I'm feeling like Mrs Ratbag today. That's my way of letting them know not to take things personally. It turns the tension down a notch.

On the supplement front - B vits and magnesium. Especially B6, recommended for dealing with moodswings and irritability.

I get this. DP got proactive once he worked out what was going on. He christened the few days before my period 'Witch Week'.

He even put it on our iPhones so we know not to take my outbursts seriously ????

He's more tuned in than me now. Last month I jumped down his throat about something and he grinned and said "And so it begins!" It defused the situation.

He also fills the freezer with Ben and Jerry's and puts chocolate in the fridge. Bless.

Approaching it as 'our' problem helps loads.

I am on citalopram, for a separate issue, and it helps a bit, but it's still there.

Good luck OP

stevie that is exactly the kind of thing I was after!

DP is lovely and tries so hard to change what he's doing, when in reality it doesn't matter what he does - I still blow my top. Think this has left him frustrated and confused in the past.

I would feel a lot less guilty/anxious/suffocated if we both knew exactly what was going on and why, instead of each separately trying to deal with it, when in reality it'll blow over in a day or two.

Being prepared is definitely the way to go I think (love the Ben & Jerry's idea)

Never any excuse for leaving a dirty loo behind you, esp when in a relationship, just completely lazy and inconsiderate.

But as has been said, you clearly need help with coping with your cycle.

30 years ago I was a raging, nasty bitch. I had PMT for about 27 days a month, became calm the day before my period started - that is actually how I knew when I was due on . I have no idea how nowDH coped, but we talked it through, a lot. He had to put up with a lot!

My GP was great. She talked through a lot of options and I started on Depo Provera - contraception injection. Within a week the rages had subsided and I was much more in control. I have switched to the implant now and that works just as well. My current GP was very understanding re my fear that, at 50, I did not want the rages returning and that maybe menopausal hormones would be as bad as those of my 20s.

Not saying this would work for you, but I am saying that your GP will be able to help. It maybe that some sort of medication is required, but it might, like me, just be a change to contraception.

Go and have a chat and get some suggestions from your GP.

I had a very similar sounding experience to your DM with anti depressants too, I was totally "Meh" to everything and had no libido. I was personally shocked to read that they are prescribed for PMT.

I have the regret thing too, my PMT seems to have got worse with age. I need to up supplements I think.

It has made me feel loads better to hear your experiences!

This morning I was completely miserable thinking I was just a horrible, mean person and my poor DP deserves so much better, as it feels like I'm kicking off at him all the time... (in reality it's about once a month - coincidence or what? )

I like the setting reminders on the phone idea - he is never without his iphone

I was thinking I can mark the days on the calendar so he knows to go out with his mates or keep himself busy (away from me!) or something?

Your focus should be on what you can do to control your aggression and lack of compassion and patience. If you can't treat him with respect and kindness then take yourself away from the situation.

Do you plan on having children? I grew up with a mother like you and have zero tolerance for this shit.

Vivacia feel free to actually read the thread.

Hilarious that you readily accuse me of aggression but you actually typed the words: 'I grew up with a mother like you and have zero tolerance for this shit'

Are you serious? A mother like me? You know nothing about me, except what I have typed myself onto an anonymous forum (though you don't appear to have read most of it)

You have zero tolerance for people who aren't perfect, accept that they aren't perfect and try and do something about it, with the support of their partner?

Do YOU plan on having children? Because they're in for a fun time with your 'zero tolerance' approach.

You'll notice that most other people on this thread are sharing experiences and helping each other - this clearly isn't the thread for you.

No need for that Vivacia.

Katelyn I agree! I do need to learn to address things calmly

Re. the annoying habits - in his defence, he was very mollycoddled growing up - he and his siblings didn't lift a finger in the house at all.
They would drop shirts on the floor and find them washed, dried, ironed and hanging in their wardrobes the following day - I kid you not

Not an excuse - but he is actually way better now than he was and yes, he does still need to work on it.

I think it makes me worse in a way - when hormonal, it's hard for me to see things properly, so him eating the cereal sloppily: in reality, he may have done it for the first time in a year this morning, but, because he's done it before at some point, my hormonal brain turns that into 'he ALWAYS eats like a pig. to annoy me. he knows it annoys me. Oh my god I've been so wrong about us, I can't live like this...'

In the first few months of our relationship, I had a similar hormonal outburst at DP. He was calm and tried to placate me. Even his apologies made me feel rage, and I carried on, stomping about... for some reason I caught a glimpse of the expression on his face - hurt and confusion. It was like looking at what I had felt as a child. It was like a punch in the stomach. I swore then and there that there was no way I would make my home feel like the house I grew up in. I was determined to break the cycle.

I have three children. And sometimes I have to take myself away - out of the room or out of the house. It's not easy. But I take responsibility for my own behaviour. I think it's very serious and can have serious repercussions for others in the house.

I know you don't think my earlier post was helpful, but I found your posts just so lacking in taking some responsibility. If a man posted about such behaviour due to month end at work he'd have been lynched rather than reassured that his wife eating cereal deserves the abuse.

No need for that Vivacia.

I think there was because there were too many posts reassuring the OP that her aggressive outbursts about clothes on the floor and slurping cereal were acceptable.

Vivacia - again, you clearly haven't read the thread.

Firstly, you do not have a monopoly on a difficult/unpleasant childhood, trust me.

There have been discussions on here PURELY about how I see this issue as my responsibility.

I have argued with posters about not wanting to take medication as I KNOW my temper and subsequent behaviours are within my own control.

But, despite the fact that there has been nothing but understanding and advice so far on this thread, you still felt the need to storm in and make flippant comments about my ability to raise children? Really?!

Did you plan on making that little dig as soon as you saw the thread title or were you ever planning on offering advise/support?

You need to take yourself away from this thread.

No they weren't Vivacia, they were telling her not to be so hard on herself because she was very upset about it but well done for kicking a person when they are down.
Glad you have dealt with your issues and are now in a place of perfection.

I read every post at least once, and changed my view as I read through them all. I'll take on board what you've said though OP and spend some time reflecting upon where I may have misinterpreted the discussion.

I disagree that I "need to take myself away" from the thread.

Wrath - You sound very self-reflective about how you think, which makes me wonder whether CBT would help.

I'm not a CBT expert or anything but I do know that one of the classic techniques is to keep a thought diary. So whenever one of these automatic negative thoughts comes into your head when you're hormonal, you write down:

• where you were (helps to identify spatial triggers)
• what you felt (e.g. rage 80% sad 20%)
• what the actual content of the thought was (e.g. your example above about the cereal)
• evidence that supports the thought
• evidence that doesn't support the thought (you might want to identify the type of thinking it is, e.g. catastrophising - more info on the main types here www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/negative-thinking-patterns.htm
• an alternative thought (e.g. 'That's a bit of a disgusting way to eat cereal, but it's quite amusing really. I can sort of see a funny side')
• your feelings after having the alternative thought (e.g. rage 60% sad 20% amusement 20%)

The idea is that doing this repeatedly can start to change those automatic negative thoughts so that they affect you less and less. It does demand a bit of attention and time investment, but it sounds as though you're more than prepared to change. There is a worksheet here if you want one psychology.tools/cbt-thought-record.html