Feel completely betrayed by partner about to go mad and run away baby only 10 weeks old

[Nearlyamok]

...My DP was always a bit selfish and unreliable before our baby came (our first child, a lovely boy) but I foolishly thought everything would change once we were sprogged up, and anyway I didn't want to wait anymore. We agreed we would both take some time off work after the birth - we are both self-employed so it seemed a sensible thing to do. But as soon as the baby came home he decided he was having a work crisis and locked himself in his study for 2 weeks, only emerging to go out to play squash. Attempts to get him to share the baby work result in massive rows, I cry, he promises to change, we draw up a schedule but then the next day he announces he has to go out for a business meeting, or to play squash or see a friend, and so do I mind just doing all the work this one day, and he promises the next day will be different, but it never is. He does cook the meals - and that';s a great relief - I can't cook at all and he's much better than me- but that's all he does really. He also has no money, and doesn't support me financially - so I am doing all the childcare without the plus of being supported financially by him. I recently discovered that the day after the birth, when I was completely exhausted and lying in hospital on a morphine drip trying to deal with a screaming baby, he went out (claiming he had to go and do some chores) and spent the afternoon at a party!!!....I only found out about this the other day - he seems to think it's perfectly understandable, that one of us might as well have a good time. Sorry to whinge on - I feel pretty pathetic tapping all this out but am so depressed about it - really feel he has revealed himself to be a kid who won't grow up and all the responsibility has fallen on me. Love my baby very much indeed, used to love my partner immensely and enjoyed the way he was always finding new ways to enjoy himself, and his autonomy, but now feel - just very sad. Perhaps this is hormonal? Will it get better? Will he eventually adjust to the new environment? Any similar experiences or advice gratefully received.

Good God,nearlyamok,I really feel for you.
Think everyone here has made some great points but am inclined to side with Caligula.A lot of looking after small children is hard and boring but we have no choice have we? Love is about doing the hard boring bits,not just the fun easy ones.

Still,being wily will probably help you in the long term.
We have 9 months to physically adjust to the idea of being parents and even then it is a huge shock.

I have a great dh but he was trying to say the least in the first few weeks.I remember him sulking because he wasn't back in the marital bed by about day 4 (he was back by the end of the week though) ans picking fights with me.

He works abroad now and as soon as he comes home, all childcare is transferred to him and I sleep in/go out/generally lounge about.

Hope you get it sorted.

Message withdrawn

Oh you poor thing. I really feel for you. DP was just like this. He was completely unsupportive during my pregnancy and didn't lift a finger to help once DD was born. He really broke my heart - I thought he was the one and he was just so selfish.

This isn't an entirely practical solution but I buggered off to Italy when she was 10 months. Then Thailand. Then Germany. Then Australia.

My moving to Australia really focussed him. He's now a much better father as he realised how close he came to losing us. He left his job, flew out to join us and is a father - he even spent yesterday home from work looking after DD and her friend on a playdate.

I think in retrospect that he is also not a baby man, and he is better with children over 3 (doesn't do babies and certainly doesn't have the patience for toddlers). He is however an excellent father to his 2 sons (now 20 and 15) - which is why I thought having children with him would be ok.

So there is hope, but you may need to shock him into shape or just wait. He may also just be a complete deadbeat dad. It's probably hard for you to tell right now.

I really hope things work out for you. Enjoy your son, they are so special

Don't give in. That's what he wants. And he isn't massively sleep deprived, so he can keep the pressure on longer. (You have the power of MN behind you, though).

Yes, looking after a small baby is boring, they don't do anything. On the upside though, it means you don't have to do much for them either (obviously apart from feed, clothe, bumwipe and cuddle!) - they don't particularly need entertaining, they just want to be close to you whilst you get on with stuff.

You need to force the issue with him by giving him no choice but to uphold his end of the bargain. This is really difficult when you are bf since you can't remove yourself from ds for more than an hour or two. But you should do it; in the afternoons, go out even if it's something dull like the supermarket. Send him out with ds - babies benefit from a walk in the afternoon, so send him out with the pram and tell him to get on with it. Could you make an arrangement with a childfree friend to meet up for a girlie lunch or similar? (Which would do you good anyway). Perhaps with smaller chunks of more structured activity he will start to build some confidence? Men with babies are a complete magnet for cooing females, I doubt it will take many trips to the park before he is positively offering to take ds out (Esp if you get him a sling - dp that is, not ds).

The friends round for dinner thing - in fairness, he does the cooking anyway so I assume the hassle for you is in terms of having a lot of people around making noise when you're knackered, and the tidiness (or not) of the house. Frankly, if he was pulling his weight, he'd be too knackered to have friends round for dinner as well!

In the longer term, what are your plans for going back to work? You said you were both taking 3 months off (except he hasn't really), so if ds is 10 weeks old, the time will soon be upon you when he goes back to work for real - and so do you?

Thanks so much for all yours. You're so right Tribpot, I shouldn't just capitulate., I suppose it's just when you think you're wasting more time arguing about the allocation opf labour you start to wonder is it worth it - but you're right, he is in much better shape for this sort of war of attrition than I am, so I have to keep my nerve. And he is cooking for the friends, that?s true ? it?s just that I think- as someone wrote ? that if he?s up for these big nights of boozing and socializing then he can?t be half as knackered as I am and why doesn?t he divert some of this energy into babycare. The plan is to take our DS to a childminder in a few weeks time. So hopefully that will make things fairer, though I will be using some of the time off to express and so on. Moondog I see that wiliness would be a very good idea, if I can just get it together to be a bit more artful and less vulnerable ? I for one am getting sick of the sound of myself saying the same thigns over and over, so I have to find a way to get the message across to him better or he?ll just fade me out and accuse me of nagging. Arfishymeau - how brave are you!? Sounds as if you did exactly the right thing for your relationship, and I'd love to emulate you! Australia especially - perfect... And it?s good to hear your DH is a great father now- asnd encouraging to read those of yu who write that your DHs and DPs have got better and better. Attilathemeerkat and williamandsamsmum ? I really want to show him your messages, and the earlier messages from Caligula and others who agreed with her, just so he can see how his behaviour looks from the outside. He is so persuasive and always sayts things like, ?Look, I just don?t see what the problem is, you just have to relax a bit?, etcetc so that you start to believe it and think you are going MAD>? Sobernow it?s so nice of you to say what you said about my feelings for my baby and I know that at least is something I'm not in turmoil about - I do know I really love him, he's such a fantastic little person. So that is one very big plus ? I have to keep thnking about the pluses. And Pruni I think he doesn?t understand at all about PND. The health visitor was trying to talk to him about it, but he decided she was (to quote him) a ?complete fool? and didn?t want to listen to what she said!!! But you?re right ? that?s what I worry about sometimes, and I know this is very common ? but I worry some days that I will lose it utterly ? I said that to him the other day, when I told him he was ruining our relationship ? ythat he has a vested interest in keeping me sane, because if I collapse completely he?ll really be scuppered. I am just hoping this will sink in. But I can?t tell you how much it helps to get support like this. It actually makes me feel ?yes I can do something, I must do something? and then I go and force the issue with him again, so hopefully he will change or if not then roll on childcare? Anyway thanks so much for all the advice and sharing of experiences.

Well either he's an arse or he's scared. You need to know which one.

Where are your families in this?

You need to let those friends of his come for dinner.

Then you need to collapse into wracking great sobs at the table, and plead with him, in front of all his friends, to "Please just help me, just today, because I think I am going to collapse with exhaustion being the only person who does anything for this baby"

Because to be honest, if he has invited frineds rounds, he is giving the impression of caring a lot more about them than he does about you! So give him something to bloody care about, he won't want his friends hearing about what a shit he is being.

do it, nearly, do it. weep in front of the guests... i don't imagine you'll have much difficulty when you start. but don't blame him for not helping, just say how it's so much more work than you could have anticipated and you need more help than you thought you would...

frankly my head would have fallen off if i'd been the sole carer for dd in the early days... i'm so glad dh didn't behave like this as i really would not have been able to cope.

good luck, nearly, and congratulations on being head over heels in love with your boy. and you'll not believe how much that love grows if i tell you, so i won't.

Nearlyamok,
I have only skimmed this thread, but feel so angry with your DP!! God men can be CRAP. Just wanted to say that he isn't allowing himself to bond with the baby, which enables him to remain so apart and selfish. You need to force him to do his share of the care, and then at least it may hit him in a big way in a few weeks, and he will suddenly be besotted. It takes some men an awful lot of time to reach this stage, esp with the first. GOOD LUCK.

How's the weekend gone, nearlyamok? I'm not convinced that things will be better when you've gone back to work, just he'll have more of an excuse to shy off his responsibilities. I do suggest you try and get this under control now, so that you are not left with a job, the house and all the childcare to deal with except during work hours.

Love colditz's idea of embarrassing public collapse over the dinner table, ha ha

I have been reading this thread with interest and I do agree with alot of the "men just can't handle it, it's normal" perspective. However I do think it is not productive just to think in this way, he must be made to see that he needs to compromise his life now that he has the the responsibility of fatherhood.

I have recently split from OH (for many reasons) and one of them being that he just couldn't cope, (he even threw (gently) DD on our bed in a temper once) he didn't really start to bond until she was around 7 months old, unfortunately he continued to behave like a twat. Now I told him repeatedly how I much I needed help, how much I needed him to try to help me create a family unit and most of all just show some love for me. He did none of the above and now we are finished. My point being, if you don't act, it will end in tears.

Conversly my Dad was always like "superdad" he was bowled over by me and my sister, did a full time job and took over most of the care when my Mum had a nervous breakdown when we were very little. He loves all the playing, bathing, changing nappies, feeding all of it and is just the same with my DD. So I don't believe it is entirely true that men are just men and can't be arsed, because I know of many who are absolutely fantatstic.

Don't let him make excuses, it just doesn't cut it!!!

THanks very much for the comments. Tribpot the weekend was a bit of a disaster- though DP was trying to moderate his behaviour - he did all the cooking and so on, and everyone was kicked out by 11pm - much better than usual. But there's still a terrible feeling ebtween us. I really appreciate what you're all saying about the importance of acting now, rather than leaving it to get worse. I can see that#s the real danger, that things are just going to degenerate and degenerate. We have been having a lot of discussions -the problem being that DP is very good at talking things thorugh and then carrying on regardless the next day. So each day is a bit like Groundhog day -we just go through the same rituals and arguments and then at the end of the day we lie awake having an intense discussion adn he says he understands or takes the point and then we wake up and go through all the rubbish again...The family unit Rocklover is exactly the thing I;m worried about - I am just really concerned that our little son will grow up with rowing parents - I am conscious already that there is a lot of tension around him and though I always try to be jovial when I talk to him I feel it's not at all the sort of atmosphere I wanted to foster for him. My parents were very unhappy together and it was definitely something I was aware of from a relatively young age, and I always vowed I would do things very differently and felt relatively smug about my loving relationship until now. It's very interesting reading those of you who have just decided to go it alone- how has that worked for you? Rocklover are you glad to have done that, and does it work well for you now? I just feel a bit foolish, because as I wrote originally, I knew DP was a bit selfish and that he always set great store by his pleasure, but I just threw myself into my work and somehow we got on well enoguh to make me think we could manage a child. I know you're all absolutely right - we have to sort it out and soon, for the sake of the child mostly. Feel very panicked about the horirble situation we're in and when I get really panicked I do just want to take the baby and do a runner but I know I have to keep on with these conversations and see if anything changes when the childminder starts coming. THanks so much for hte posts - it's really brilliant reading about your experiences. Some very brave women out there!

Well I also think it's normal to get the heebiejeebies and think about leaving the bloke at least sometime in the first 6 months. You worry about things like that as a new mum and are totally focused on you and your baby's future that your partner can seem to turn into some kind of threat to that.

I'd try to back off for a while really. Just ask him to think about what it is he wants. It's normal for him to be scared and freaked out, tell him you understand because you are too. But you are need to also understand that you are supposed to be on the same side; both of you.

But he needs to be honest with himself. Tell him you aren't going to force the issue, but that he needs to have the biggest think of his life and work out what he wants - and then have the decency to tell you and your baby. It's scary I know. Good luck. x

a) He is almost certainly overwhelmed by the new baby and the huge responsibility he represents. Clearly he is running from the problem, which sucks for you because you don't have that option.

b) You're right to be pissed off, he's behaving terribly.

c) You are almost certainly under the thrall of hormonal changes which means you need support and rest, it doesn't in any way invalidate your feelings.

d) Kill two birds with one stone- leave the baby with him while you take a couple of hours to yourself and don't let him weasle out of it.

e) Good luck!

When ds was newborn a friend who we think is a great dad said to us "one of the best things a dad can do for a child is love the mum"...

Four years down the line I do agree with him. In the early days, specially when the baby is breastfed, I do think one of the most important roles for a man is to just love and support the mum....I don't think you should capitulate totally but maybe it would save your sanity to ask a bit less of him in some ways, but ask more of him in supporting YOU. Appreciating what you do, doing housework, not inviting others round or leaving you alone to go out if you don't want to be alone, and financially contributing sound like the absolute minimum to ask of him, if you are able to accept that at the moment he's not the sort of dad who you can hand ds over to.

Be kind to eachother and be each other's biggest fans, because you are coping with the biggest life change that there is....ok, you will need to search hard for your DP's strengths at the moment but I reckon if you nurture eachother, you gain a bit more emotional capacity and feel able to be more positive about DP, perhaps. Some men do find it boring; but having taken the decision to have a family, your DP does not have the option to not do it, even if it's very limited at the moment...I do think though that if his confidence is built up you will be in with more of a chance of him building a better bond with ds...some men get much better when the child is able to smile and laugh and 'give back' more and also when you are not tied to BFing, I do think you need to go out and leave the boys to it. I agree with Franny that he won't cope now or if it's done almost as a punishment but just do it in a planned way and take it for granted it will happen; they NEED time without you there and this will hasten the forming of a better bond. DS and DH struggled a bit at first without me around but it's so much better all round if you are not in the house. Your DP will find his own ways of dealing with things.

In one of your late night chats, forget the recriminations and just tell eachother some positive things about eachother, and remember for now don't think about DP in terms of what he can do for ds, but what he can do for YOU. The rest will follow, I think.

How are things Nearlyamok?

We achieved reasonably equal childcare and I think part of it was I was not prepared to accept anything else and would not capitulate. You need to find a way to go out to work even if it's taking your lap top to the public library. Or say if he lets you down on childcare he has to fix a babysitter for that time and pay the fees. Someone has to keep a roof over your heads. Make sure you go out to play squash as much as he does. If you don't do something about this for the next 20 years you will be lumbered with domestic inequality.

I don't think rowing helps much either. You just say what is happening and do it. If he says urgent meeting have to go then you say right tomorrow I have those hours added on and may be 2 more and I just pop in to feed but otherwise I am either not in or whatever and tell him to take the baby out for an hour or two so you have the house to yourself to work in.

Thanks very much for asking monkeytrousers - basuically things have improved a little, though I am having to fight tooth and claw for everything. We have arranged to split the day - I do the morning, he does the afternoon, then I do the evening - because our Ds is mostly asleep in the evening, when not feeding - and then DP cooks dinner. In theory this is great - a real break through. However, DP is still very very unreliable - yesterday was a bit of a classic - in the morning he refused even to watch the baby while I had a shower, and is absolutely dogmatic about 'his time'. He is however rather cavalier about 'my time', perhaps inevitably. He is meant to take over at 1pm, but he was out when I came back from a walk with the baby at 1pm, and only got back at 1.30. Then he had arranged to play squash (still with the squash...) at 4pm so he got a friend to come round and take our son for another walk while he was playing squash. (He didn't tell me abouit this arrangement until the friend appeared on our doorstep, of course). The friend then brought our son back at 5pm, and no sign of DP, even though he is meant to cover babycare until 6pm. DP then got back at 5.40. So he manages to mess around with my free time constnatly, but I am just ignoring it and trying to work as much as I can with the time I have - I think he is being deliberately provocative, trying to make me feel this arrangement is more trouble than it's worth,. and I'm just not going to capitulate. The other day he said he was going to pay for childcare to cover the afternoons - ie to cover the time he is meant to look after the baby - that's fine by me, if that's what he wants to do, and it's good that he has realised that he should pay for it because it's his time of day to look after the baby. So in that respect he has learnt something, and doesn't just expect me to look after our son all the time. I am deciding whether to pay for childcare in the morning or whether to keep on looking after our son and just working in the afternoons - really enjoy doing the mornings now I have time to work in the afternoons - and when there's proper childcare in the afternoons it will be even better, as I won't constantly be being messed around by my DP. Your remarks really did help, and made me much more assertive - Basically, I have accepted that he is a very selfish, immature man, and that's not just baby blues talking. I did know it all along, and I suppose I was eager for a child and over-optimistic and thought he would reform. I have spent all the years of our relationship rowing with him about his selfishness - he is quite the most unreliable person I have ever met, and thinks nothing of being an hour late and not calling, etcetc. Bascially he rewrites reality to suit himself. I do love him very much, but he is not a very good person to be bringing up a child with. I understand this very clearly now, and I see that only by forcing him into this regime will things work. But I am still very disillusioned with him - I just am trying to be practical and get through these next few months, and then i will think again about what to do. Thanks so mcuh to you all.