Feel completely betrayed by partner about to go mad and run away baby only 10 weeks old

[Nearlyamok]

...My DP was always a bit selfish and unreliable before our baby came (our first child, a lovely boy) but I foolishly thought everything would change once we were sprogged up, and anyway I didn't want to wait anymore. We agreed we would both take some time off work after the birth - we are both self-employed so it seemed a sensible thing to do. But as soon as the baby came home he decided he was having a work crisis and locked himself in his study for 2 weeks, only emerging to go out to play squash. Attempts to get him to share the baby work result in massive rows, I cry, he promises to change, we draw up a schedule but then the next day he announces he has to go out for a business meeting, or to play squash or see a friend, and so do I mind just doing all the work this one day, and he promises the next day will be different, but it never is. He does cook the meals - and that';s a great relief - I can't cook at all and he's much better than me- but that's all he does really. He also has no money, and doesn't support me financially - so I am doing all the childcare without the plus of being supported financially by him. I recently discovered that the day after the birth, when I was completely exhausted and lying in hospital on a morphine drip trying to deal with a screaming baby, he went out (claiming he had to go and do some chores) and spent the afternoon at a party!!!....I only found out about this the other day - he seems to think it's perfectly understandable, that one of us might as well have a good time. Sorry to whinge on - I feel pretty pathetic tapping all this out but am so depressed about it - really feel he has revealed himself to be a kid who won't grow up and all the responsibility has fallen on me. Love my baby very much indeed, used to love my partner immensely and enjoyed the way he was always finding new ways to enjoy himself, and his autonomy, but now feel - just very sad. Perhaps this is hormonal? Will it get better? Will he eventually adjust to the new environment? Any similar experiences or advice gratefully received.

Agree Sobernow. I don't think there's anything wrong with playing to your strengths and I agree that for many men, they get better at fathering as their children get older, and many come into their own years down the line, but in this particular case, I think the guy is taking the piss. He's opting out of the experience of early parenting imo, not for work, which many men do and which in some ways is explicable and pardonable, but for parties and sport. It isn't just about his parenting skill, it's about the way he treats the woman he loves. He's abandoning her when she needs him so that he can go and play a game! That would be outrageous at any time, it's not just an adjustment issue imo.

I haven't read all the thread but i do remember feeling odd, chaotic, vulnerable, tired and stressed with tiny baby and feeling very critical and resentful of DP who was a bit fish on a bikish.

I think it's just a weird time that has to be got through for a lot of parents.Now that my DP is not scared of getting a wet nappy around his head he has admitted that he simply doesn't like very young babies. It's not an excuse, i know, but lots of men don't. Maybe lots of women don't either but as we have the boobs we have to get on with it

Things got much better for me when I started to express milk - I could go out and so felt more human and he grew more confident with and interested in the baby. I wouldn't worry about him not coping - he will - and he will be no help to you if he doesn't get to know the baby.

I hope this helps. I do sympathise with that "Christ i've hasd a baby with this useless pillock " feeling but it passed with each of mine and DP is a great dad now. I,ve met lots of women who felt the same about their partners but for some reason they only tell you when it's better. It's very early days!

Just catching up. I agree he needs time to feel the weight of responsiblity and also to feel the wonder of "ooh, he stopped crying, it worked I did that". He needs both. He needs led into a situation where he can admit he feels he hasn't a clue what to do (AND WE HAVE ALL FELT LIKE THAT, and frequently still do ), then he needs to grow his confidence with his baby boy. This could take time, its hard when they don't do much at this stage and easier when they can giggle and respond and even easier when they can say "I want daddy to do it".

If he builds confidence and is perfectly capable but continues to opt out for his other life then I would arrange something else for a day and let him get on with it, regularly. He will see life differently. It needn't be with an argument, just "I'm off out on Saturday, did you remember". I would try to act as though you are totally unbothered whilst leaving no space to change your plans.

If his friends all had kids, he would be acting differently I'm sure. Keep posting, I wish you luck.

Agree with tohers - many men are the same, which is no consolation at the moment. DH spent his 2 weeks paternity leave playing computer games when baby was asleep and criticising me when baby was awake and was completely useless. It stayed that way for months. Last Christmas I nearly left him and it seemed to come as a complete shock to him. By then I felt that marrying him and choosing him to be father of my baby was the biggest mistake of my life and told him so. With hindsight I think he was scared to death about the responsibility of being a father but being a bloke felt he couldn't admit it, so took it out in other ways. Things have slowly got better since Christmas and then this August when DS was 16 months we went on holiday and they finally really bonded and DH is now what I would consider to be a good father.

The point of my ramble is to let you know you're not the only one who feels like this and I think for most people it does get better. It's a seismic change to your relationship and your lifestyle and takes some people a lot longer to adjust

Also wanted to echo what some of the others said that despite my dp being very hands on and supportive he does not like young babies and was much happier once he could give them a bottle and the older he got the more he likes them.

I do think you should leave him with ds regularly and go out so he has to take on the responsibility if you can express a bottle a day can be greatly liberating!

HTH

I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if this is ground already covered but one thing that's difficult when b-feeding is establishing the reality that two adults are equally responsible. I remember when dd1 was tiny dh went to his friends 30th (totally fair enough and agreed), he stayed overnight (again agreed - it was too far to come back home, and I didn't mind) but the next day he phoned up and told me they were going for a walk (in the way he would have done pre-kids) and he'd come back later. when he got home I told him that by deciding to go for a walk he had effectively decided what I was going to do too that morning - look after dd. It was the first and only time it happened. you have to explain to him that from now on every decision he makes has an impact on you. if he doesn;t get it verbally you have to show him - wake up one morning, feed ds, then say "I'm popping to the gym for an hour. bye". he has to know that that is exactly what he's doing to you.

Agree with hatwoman -- had to have a similar conversation with DH in the early days.

Agree with Hat, They have a inch they WILL take a mile! But by saying i'm off to the gym or doing the shopping (and of course forget the mobile) its them that have to deal (like you have) with the baby. I did this to my DP and he now enjoys putting DD to bed and bringing her off to give me a break. (Well that was before last wkend! he f*&ked up big time and is on probation with me!!!!) But you have to put him in the situation you in now. My DP felt useless for the first 3-4 months now he loves taking DD out and about alot of men are like that.

My God, I forgive DP all his trespasses since DS was born. He was wonderful and was such a support to me, even though he could only get a week off.

Men are not children, as Caligula said. They may need a kick up the arse, expescually when they have feckless single mates; kick them in the nuts instead! Just this once.

It's so good to read all these messages - especially after another evening of futile arguing with DP (less D by the hour) - whizbangcaligula I think you're really right - I have been too soft on him, have kept just letting him push and push further and further - initially I suppose I felt quite relaxed about doing everything because I'd had it in mind that I would take these months off after the birth, and I was just so tired and felt so sorry for the bewildered little boy I'd produced, and also I was flattered because DP kept saying how good I was with the baby and how only I could soothe him - but it's true as one of you wrote about him just losing confidence, and thinking he can't do it on his own. And now I see DP has no9t only lost confidence but also just begun to exploit this 'you're so much better with the baby than I am' thing (and it becomes self-fulfilling anyway, because the baby isn't that comfortable with DP at present). The person who wrote about 'strategic incompetence' = was that Sobernow - it's exactly that - either he adopts it because it's convenient or it's actually more calculated than that.

It's really reassuring reading these posts, as I had begun to think I was just being unreasonable, but now I'm thinking dammit he has to get on board -feeling much more militant about things - though I understand the points some of you are making about not making massive life-changing decisions at this particular moment. I know 10 weeks isn't really long, and I am bloody tired and not in the right frame of mind to work things out properly - and I'm so incensed with him I do just want to kick him out (who wrote that - can I really? can I?) but I have to try to get him on board somehow. Drusilla - the computer games story is very outrageous - and hatwoman about the 30th birthday equally! The thing that makes me really p-off is that it's making me want to throw in the breastfeeding because as some of you say that's the thing that really stops you just leaving them with the baby and saying 'There, try it for yourself!;' - but I guess it will get easier when I can breastfeed or when the baby doesn't need feeding so frequently.. Or when I can express more - I will just go out and switch off the damn mobile and he can work it out for himself!!
Aside from my own crisis it's so interesting reading the debate about what we expect from our partners/husbands - I suppose I'm disappointed and angry precisely because I expected more of him.

actually the 30th birthday thing wasn't outrageous. He genuinely hadn;t realised what he'd done. I wasn't even angry with him - just explained - that his decision to do something was now a decision that I do something too. put like that it was mpossible to argue with. And it was the only thing/only time he's not done his fair share, if anything it's slightly been the other way round

sorry hatwoman - was reading the messages quickly - have been back through now - really grateful to everyone - do please post more of your experiences - it's really helpful...

I haven't read the most recent posts on this, so can only relate my story. My dh is chronically ill, but we have shared the burden of parenting between us ever since ds was born. So we were both off, but for neither of us was there the "oh goodness me, I'll just bugger off to a business meeting/squash match now" option. My luxury was occasionally going to Sainsburys without my boys, and to be honest, I didn't even really enjoy that!

I don't buy the "men find parenting hard" story. We all find parenting hard, but that's what we do, cos we are parents. I would so seriously just present dp with ds (just after a feed) and say 'sorry - did I mention a Pilates class? I'll be back soon - well done'. Why not? That's what he's doing to you, 24*7.

I can see both sides. And my dd's father was crap in the early months (maybe even years) and although not perfect now he did 'come good' and he is a lot more responsible and hands on.
I do think that a lot of men are terrified at first and block it out in anyway they can. ( At least it's squash and not lapdancing clubs I suppose...)
Keep talking, keep sharing the good times and the bad, and he will get his confidence and learn to love being a 'proper' dad I'm sure.

Gosh - am now up-to-date. Caligula and I agree, as we often do (Ave Caligula). Is he meant to be at home now, is he working, what? I have literally no conception of what most women go through with a newborn, I never want to. Dh is 100% capable of caring for said newborn and in fact has always been better at calming/getting to sleep and doing the feed - I wouldn't have chosen to fail at breastfeeding but since I did, ff fits in with our situation a lot better. We learnt together how to care for ds.

You think it is hard now? (It is). Imagine when you go back to work. You need to get this situation sorted - with the greatest of respect, I do not buy "accept you now have two children" as a solution.

nearlyamok - god no need to apologise!

Tribpot yes he is meant to be at home but not wokring - we had a deal that we would both take 3 months off after the birth - as we are both self-emplkoyed. Because I had quite a tough late pregnancy, so couldn't work for 2 months at the end. And we are financially separate - I know that sounds mad as I write it - but of course it's worked fine before we had the child and we just haven;t revised that. So it seemed sensiblke to both take the time off and support each other. But he has completely reneged on the deal, that's the thing that's making me feel so mad and furious .
I did sit down with him last night and said that I am furious with him and that I can't believe he is trying to ruin a 10year relationship in 10 weeks. He said this morning he couldn't sleep all night for worrying about this. Remains to be seen if this has an effect - I don't know.

hello I'm coming late to your thread in terms of commenting, but I'm glad to hear you've addressed this with him, and it sounds like he's taking you seriously.

I also have a 10 wk old baby and my DH is not doing the evasion thing at all, quite the opposite, so I am worried for you that if things don't improve now, when will they?

I have seen fathers become more interested in their babies after about 6 months when they are far more engaging, but the time has to be put in first, getting to know them and establishing a bond.

Honestly, best of luck with sorting this one.

I really hope he's coming to his senses and being a bit more help now. I know that if my DH had brought back a houseful of mates when our boys were less than 10 weeks old I'd have ripped him a new one so you are certainly not being unreasonable to expect a bit more assistance.

Although you are breastfeeding, there is a whole lot more he could be doing that he doesn't need breasts for and would really lighten your load such as bathing, taking your son for a walk, nappies etc. I think one of the important things is to let him find his feet with the baby and as long as he knows how to do the basics safely you could just hand the baby over and leave for an hour (even if its just to go to a local cafe for a peaceful coffee!) As the pp said, it doesn't matter if he's not doing things exactly as you would do them, just as long as the baby is okay with it. Dh does things very differently to how I do them but as long as the boys are safe, that is fine.

Good luck {{{hugs}}}

Thanks very much you all. Well, I thought he was taking me seriuosly all day - he seemed to be trying to do his fair share, and we split the day into morning and afternoon - I was doing the morning and he was doing the afternoon, except when I was breastfeeding (which is still a lot of the time anyway) but he just simply can't sustain it - by 4pm he was just trying to find any excuse to get out of doing any further baby care. So I confronted him and asked what was wrong and he said, 'The thing is, I just find it really really boring looking after the baby...' And now I just feel so sad for our DS who is so sweet - it seems really sad that his parents are just bickering about who spends more time with him. We just goi round and round in circles and he has now told me he's invited 4 friends round for dinner tomorrow....AAAAAAAAAAAAARHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGFeel so exhausted about it now, I just think I will just do everything and give up on trying to get him to do anything - can't face any more rowing - too tired to row any more. Do feel all his new man stuff before the birth was a big fat lie, though. However it's very good to hear about those of you who have weathered this and whose Dhs or DPs are now feeling guilty about how useless they were. Helps so much to read your messages - tHanks so much for all the advice and support...

A lot of small baby care is boring but that's just something he has to get used to and it's certainly not an excuse to do f. all!!

I hope he's cooking for the friends btw!!

Nearlyamok,

What concerns me is that you have written that, "he was always a bit selfish and unreliable before our baby came".

I hope he will come around in time but equally you may well be left holding the baby in the longer term as well. I sincerely hope for your sakes he does not turn out to be a deadbeat dad. He sounds to me like yet another immature manchild.

As for this comment:-
"I just think I will just do everything and give up on trying to get him to do anything - can't face any more rowing - too tired to row any more". Why not contact Relate for your own self to talk these issues through with someone impartial?. Think if you do everything you will just end up resenting him even more than you already do. It does not solve the problems you doing everything. You cannot and should not be expected to do everything.

Who will cook the dinner for these 4 friends tomorrow night?. Who will buy the food?. You?. Presumably as well they are "his" friends rather than yours.

"Do feel all his new man stuff before the birth was a big fat lie, though". Of course it was!!!. Think as well you wanted a child far more than he did.

Hate to say this but I would also seek legal advice, if this is not resolved this could well end the relationship.