Anyone here married to a workaholic?

[MillyMollyMandy78]

just wondering how you all cope with not being your DHs top priority. I have been with DH for 11 years now, no kids if that is relevant. He is a GP and does a lot of overtime at the hospital etc too. He is extremely successful in his career and i am proud of him for that.

He has always been the same but i guess i wanted to believe him when he said work was not his main priority. There has always been a reason for the overtime eg saving for the wedding, moving house etc. always said it was just a temporary thing and he was doing it for the money to give us the life we wanted. Taken me a while to realise he is just kidding himself and me - we have loads of money sat in the bank, far more than we need or could sensibly wish to spend.

I know he is scared of being poor, and worrying about money, but on his income at would never happen. He also has his issues from childhood and this is a way that he can keep himself at a bit of an emotional distance, as people hurt you etc. he would not admit this is part of it. He also enjoys his job and gets a lot of personal validation from what he does.

We just seem to have different priorities. To me, work is just there to provide for the lifestyle you want, although obviously it is important to enjoy what you do too. I don't want the same emotional detachment that works so well for him, and i seek validation from bring loved and spending quality time with loved ones (i also have some hang ups from childhood, which means i never felt loved/ a priority by my parents).

I don't mind some time in my own company, i am an introvert so a little time alone suits me. But i do get bored and lonely at times and do resent him continually putting the job/ his own needs before me. He completely denies that it is for him, always says he is doing it for us, so we will have plenty of money. I think he is kidding himself.

And the emotional checking-out of our relationship is what really gets to me. He does love me but when we are together he will often check emails, take phone calls etc regardless of what's going on. And if we are together we just sit infront of the tv: in the evenings and most of every weekend. It is mindnumbingly dull. He cant seem to see the problem, thinks as long as he is with me that its ok.

I love him and know he will not change and perhaps he shouldn't have to. He has always been work focused. But how can i be happy and make the best of things? I don't want to leave him, but sometimes i do regret marrying him. I know i need to forge my own life, and be more independent, and i am trying. I have holidayed alone, have my own hobbies etc. But because I am a shy introvert, i don't really want to be out every night, going to evening classes etc. i am home-orientated: i want to be spending time with my Dh not living apart. But I'm not sure how to strike the balance. Hoping someone has some advice on making the best of my marriage, as i love him so much, and he is a good man.

I love DH very much and I do want my marriage to work out. When we are good we are very good and we get along brilliantly. So whilst there are some things I would change, I feel very lucky in some ways. On paper it sounds like I have made a lot of sacrifices but so has DH... I can be very difficult to live with!

I have done retail work (didn't like customer interaction: suffer from social phobia), care work, primary teacher (most miserable I've been in any job and I was a pretty crap teacher despite trying hard), worked in pharmacy (good initially but grew to hate the repetition and struggled with social anxiety again). Job I'm in now has little social interaction, which suits me. It is repetitive but I don't mind that as I only of part time and the staff are lovely, no pressure etc

My dp soon to be husband in six weeks was a workaholic. He worked 90-120 hours a week. He always wanted to save for our future.
11 months ago he got a shock diagnosis of terminal cancer. His biggest regret now is the time we lost due to his working hours....

You say your dh gets little exercise. Could you pick a decent length pleasant walk in your neighbourhood that he has to commit to doing three times a week with you. No others involved dogs can come one on one time serontin lift for both time to chat etc. Good role model for his patients. I find if you get into a routine with that you will look forward to it. Nail it down with no excuses accepted.If l was you l would organise stuff all the time and just accept that he will never organise but will go along with you.Do ye go on holidays?

Ludoole - so sorry to hear about you're dp's diagnosis. How heartbreaking for you both!

Yes we have been on holidays together but it tends to be me that pushes for them. Nothing together for almost four years now and limited further by DHs fear of flying. I have been on my own a couple of times and going away later in year without him.

Whilst talking yesterday DH suggested ring-fencing Sunday mornings for us eg going out for coffee, taking the dogs for a walk etc. The last couple of weeks I have started serving meals in the dining room more which we both like, so at least we get a bit of conversation in the evenings too. Sounds like I definately need to start booking more things instead of getting upset/ resentful. And I could nag less too...

Yes I am. We have been married 25 years. He is completely driven but hasn't ever really done it for the money. He leaves the house at 7.15 and is usually not back before 9.30. Short commute. Works at weekends and has flown back from family holidays. Missed the birth of DS2.

I also work but much less high powered and very local. We are a partnership and I have facilitated his career. The upside is our lifestyle and security although we live relatively modestly.

I do everything to run our lives. The DC are grown now but I did all school stuff, parents evenings, etc, I do or arrange others to do all domestic stuff, I have refurbished and arranged the sales of two properties in the last three years and manage our home in France. His life is totally organised for him. I sit through operas with boring people and am interested in them, I buy gifts for his staff.

But I don't mind. We have a chat every night about his day when he has dinner and a bit about mine. Before he goes to sleep he kisses me and tells me he loves me and does the same when he wakes up. I also have my own life. My own career, my own friends and my own interests and I have needed those things but think they are as important for all women and men!

I used to think after thus case he'll slow down, after this stage he'll slow down, but now I don't think he'll even retire.

I think you can organise holiday with just using trains in Europe pretty much anywhere you wanted to go.

Just tell him to book 2 weeks off and if you are short of ideas MN can help you to plan them.
He must know very well what happens to people who don't relax outside work - they die of heart attacks or get some other problems cancers including.

Workaholics have to learn to relax and take it easy, it will take time but as you had a "talk" you have to take action now.

Beaufort - not sure mine will ever retire either! But it is a long way off for us so who knows!

Anti - we have been to Paris and Bruge by eurostar which were both lovely. I have said that i really want us to go away somewhere next year together, even if just in uk with the dogs, as it is so long since we have had any sort of holiday together. He agreed. He does enjoy the holidays when we are there but it is hard work trying to get him to agree to anything, book time off work etc beforehand. And yes, he knows full well the health implications of working too hard but unfortunately doctors really do seem to make the worst patients!

You can get by train to anywhere in Europe - that isn't an issue.
You can get by car to the ferry and go to Netherlands, Spain or the Nordics.

Are you saying there's no holiday this year at all?

If I was not taking any holiday my HR would scold me off - is NHS not concerned that their employees are overworked?

I'm a workaholic. General day 6.30am to 11pm plus waking up in the night to check international emails from smartphone beside bed. I come here and FB for five mins here and there to have some 'lighter moments.' I don't go out the door all week, (work from home - although trying to get out for 20 mins walk a day).

This is as a result of family bereavements where I thought I would concentrate on working. Set up a business and it's gone so well that I can't let it drop now. I cook dinner with laptop at hand, eat dinner and reply to emails at same time. It's an addiction. I can't plan ahead or have a day out because work consumes me, and I can't cope with a day without work as I start thinking about those not in my life any more.

My OH doesn't work as long hours and supplies me with tea, etc. He's grateful that we have a better lifestyle now than we did, although he doesn't know exactly what I earn. And before I get flamed on here, I've said it's an addiction. Like gambling, drinking, smoking, whatever, a workaholic is addicted to work.

Anti - he takes his annual leave but we don't have a holiday together generally. He likes to do a few short shifts through his annual leave and it is very hard work trying to go away together. When i was talking about not having a holiday together in almost 4 years, i mean holiday as in vacation! And yes the NHS are happy for his to do shifts elsewhere even during annual leave.

Gunnsgirl - you provide a different insight into being a workaholic. It doesn't sound like something you particularly enjoy but from your post it sounds like you feel compelled to work all those hours as a way of keeping your demons away. You sound trapped - that must be very hard for you! Well done on building such a successful business though, that takes real commitment!

Gunnsgirl - have you had some bereavement counselling?

MillyMolly - I am wondering a bit if something like relate would help? My DH's work cones first but he couldn't do it if I didn't facilitate. Can't you just book a cottage in Europe a year in advance?

MillyMollyMandy - I love my work. That is probably half the problem too, I love it so much, I can't leave it alone, but it did start from filling gaps from bereavement.

I had slight bereavement counselling but probably too soon and I wasn't in frame of mind to fully benefit. In all honesty, those who are not in my life any more are free from suffering, they were old and tired, and nature took its course, so I can't begrudge them from being relieved off their suffering. It's just the way I chose to cope. I am trying hard now to ease off and once I've finished a very large contract, I'm going to make an effort to catch up with friends I haven't seen for a while and have girls days out. :)

DH is/was a workaholic and has done most of the things mentioned: never taken paternity leave, missed DS2's birth as he came late and DH was back in Russia on business, missed lots of birthday parties etc. However, he has always needed holidays and since he wouldn't countenance going on them alone, DSs & I have always gone on them as well. In fact, because he was always working so hard, he preferred 3 weeks away. It would take him a week to wind down, a week to rest and then a week to gear himself up to returning to work. I disliked this, as it took me away from all my interests and support networks that I built up because he was never around.

Note the use of past tense. DH was unexpectedly made redundant over 2 years ago now. I realise this is unlikely to happen to a hardworking GP, OP, but he could have a heart attack or stroke with similar consequences. Without work, DH has been depressed and reminds me of the guy in The Full Monty who still puts his suit on, takes his briefcase and goes out at the same time each day, despite having lost his job. We are older than you, MillyMolly (mid and late fifties), so it's been a shock rehearsal for retirement. Have you considered how your DH is going to cope when he retires?

I don't think he would fully retire tbh. One of his colleagues worked part time until her mid eighties and I suspect he would do the same, health allowing. I know none of his is good for his health but I am limited in what I can do about it.

Three thoughts.

1. Your DH is a GP at a time of colossal pressure on that profession. He is likely to feel an enormous amount of obligation to colleagues and patients. And he does have some social responsibility there, which would explain why it's not all about money to him. I think it might be worth speaking to him and working out exactly why he works like this, because it's possible he's struggling more than he lets on.

1. However, it is wrong that he checks out on your relationship. Again, I suggest talking to him about how this makes you feel, and establishing ground rules (e.g. no phones when you're together unless he's on call). It also sounds about time you started to spend some of that money in the bank on some nice breaks where the two of you can be together. I suggest going somewhere where there is no wifi or mobile signal!

1. You sound really, really reasonable and I am not remotely suggesting that there is anything wrong with your request to spend more quality time together, but sometimes there can be issues around abandonment that contribute to feeling narked off about a partner's choices with regard to work/life balance. You do need your own dreams, goals and ambitions alongside his - "home" can be a prison without these.

Shove - thank you for your very thoughtful reply. DH's tendency to prioritise work is nothing new. It is part of who he is. He does not find his work remotely stressful normally, however this year has been very tough on all the partners for several reasons, but particularly due to the sudden death of one of the GPs/ partners early in the year. It has been difficult to find a replacement so workload has been increased, complicated by one of the partners being difficult. So yes, this year things have been stressful for him. We have talked about this but i will have another chat with him about things. I do want to reiterate though, that this extra stress has not really changed things in regards to his working hours/ priorities though, these problems precede the tragic circumstances surrounding our colleague.

We are in the process of spending some of the money as we bought our forever home last year and needed quite a few bits doing to it, eg decorating, new kitchen, bathroom, furniture etc which is nice. Still enough money for holidays etc too though - if you can recommend somewhere in the uk with no wifi that would be fab!

As i said previously we do eat at the table more now which is nice, and i have said no mobiles/ ipads at the table and he sticks to this completely. I find it is the emails that annoy me most. They come in constantly day and night and it alerts him on his iphone. He says he will forget to read/ respond unless he deals with them there and then (he probably would a he is pretty disorganised and forgetful). But this means he stops everything to deal with them and will even end a conversation midsentence to deal with them. He seems unwilling to change this though.

You are right about me having some issues of abandonment/ always feeling like i was an imposition or not important. I think i am quite needy sometimes because of this. I do need to work on home being less of a 'prison'. I do feel like i am wasting my life. Indecision/ lack of focus on my part makes it difficult for me to head in a particular direction. How can i spend time doing what i want/ set up my own business, when i don't even know what i want?

I think there are two issues here:

One is your husband approach to work, and two the anxiety issues that confine your life/work choices.

I assume you've had therapy for the social anxiety, but it sounds like it could do with some more work. A good therapist could help you with that and also examine your indecision and lack of focus too. Although there isn't really a remedy for lack of focus other than making a decision to focus on something and sticking with it.

Speaking from someone who's set up and run businesses, they can take a massive amount of time and effort. Whether it would work for you both long term really depends on the type of business it would be and the demands it would make.

Twinkle - yes I have had therapy for my social anxiety in the past and am much happier because of that. I don't think it really shows to those around me and not really sure how much of a problem it is anymore really because I am am introvert anyway. dH is the same.

I hadn't thought about therapy helping my indecision so that is something i will seriously consider. I guess when i say lack of focus i really mean that i lack certainty in knowing what i should focus on iyswim. When i have a job at hand i am very focused and attentive to the task at hand. But i can get bored very quickly and often quit things due to lack of self believe/ what is the point type thoughts. Again, therapy could probably help with these things too.

It certainly seems like you could do with some support to find your path in life.

A therapist could also help you through the lack of self belief/what's the point glitches, to keep going to achieve something fulfilling for yourself.

Thank you - i think you're right. I have only seen a counsellor for specific issues in the past eg abusive childhood, violent ex, terrible lack of confidence/ social anxiety. It has worked very well in terms of the specific issue, but have never thought of going to think through my general lack of direction. It is definitely worth a go!

Yes, my DH is a mechanic and his hours are 830 - 430, yet he insists on going in / staying on about an hour each day (he doesn't get paid for this. he used to run his own garage so I think he still has the same mind-set, even though I remind him its not his business). He also does homers almost every night until 9/10/11pm. And works most Saturdays until 3-4pm.

He is gone when I wake up and I'm in bed a lot of the time when he get's home.

We had a huge fight last week and I told him that unless he cuts down to 3 nights a week max and every other weekend on top of his day job, I'll need to rethink our marriage. There seems very little point, when you only see your husband 1.5 days a week :-(

What does he do when he gets an email when he's with a patient? Can he not use the same organisational techniques when he is with you. I hope he doesn't stop mid sentence when he's with a patient.

Oh OP, he is beginning to sound more and more like an arse. If my DH actually did that I'd pull him up on it straightaway.

Beaufort - he's not really an arse but he is quite rude/ awkward around people. He manages at work cos he kind of puts on his doctor persona, rather than it actually being him as such.

Anyway, bit peed off now tbh as just got back from work and he's been shopping for the day... Fine, he needed new clothes etc. but he has also come back with a playstation. Urghh! Not against it per se, but he tends to become a bit obsessed around computer games (had issues in early years re this) etc and I'm guessing I will see even less of him now! Really need my own life!

It sounds as though the two of you need to accept each other for who you are. My DH has lots of foibles - can't change a light bulb, likes holidaying in familiar places. After four hols in Fowey I got him to Brittany then further south the next year and he loved it so much he bought the villa we stayed in. Was there consultation, er no. A lot of people wouldn't put up with some of his foibles but if you love someone enough you can and loving someone enough I easier if they don't do too much to stop you loving them.

I think you do need to forge your own life a bit - it doesn't have to be massively people centred. You could breed cats or dogs and show them, do proper gardening, book club, volunteer for the homeless behind the scenes, cooking or washing up.

The play station would irk me though; I prefer my DH's football and cricket obsessions on balance!

Beaufort - you seem to have hit the nail on the head again! As for the playstation I would much prefer it to football or cricket - suppose I should count my blessings!